Breakups can make you go a bit crazy. In fact, you’ll probably find yourself doing things you’d NEVER even CONSIDER at other times. But that’s the thing: breakups aren’t like most times. Breakups are when you feel you’re going out of your mind; with grief, with pain, with anger, with jealousy, with fear…with just about every emotion going. And what happens then? You do stupid, crazy and destructive things. You make mistakes that will screw things up even more with your ex; the kind of big mistakes everybody makes after a breakup.
And the worst thing is that, at the time, they seem absolutely right. They seem the obvious, the necessary and inevitable things you must do to make things right again. Making things right, that is, by getting your ex back immediately, so that all the pain will go away and things will be just as they used to be.
Except they aren’t, and they won’t.
So what are these big mistakes everybody makes after a breakup? And why won’t they work?
Mistake 1: Losing Sight of the Person Your Ex Fell For at the Beginning
You probably started making this mistake before the breakup. In fact, it might have been one of the reasons for it. So how can you tell?
Well, how exciting was your relationship before you broke up? Did you have fun together, flirt, enjoy each other’s company? Or were you just like platonic friends?
A relationship isn’t a friendship. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t like as well as love each other (you should); but there has to be more. There has to be a romantic, a sexual element. After all, what makes people want to be together? Not as friends, but romantically? Well, it’s chemistry, isn’t it? When people are attracted, they talk about the chemistry between them.
If you want to get your ex back (and keep them), you’ve got to keep the chemistry going between you. That means being interesting, fun and exciting to be with; not passive, predictable and – well – boring.
And with that in mind, give yourself an overhaul. Eat well, exercise, get a new hairstyle (just a bit different, nothing too drastic!); and generally give your confidence a boost.
But what’s more important that any of that is to have a good, honest look at your life. Is it really as exciting, as interesting, as fulfilling as it could be? What about the things you’ve always wanted to do? The places you’ve always wanted to visit?
Stop putting it off. Do something about it now, and get yourself a life your ex will want to be part of.
Mistake 2: Begging, Pleading and Offering to Change
This is the favorite among the big mistakes everybody makes after a breakup; the classic response by the person who has been dumped. Saying things like “I promise I’ll change”, “I promise I’ll start/stop doing X, Y or Z” or “I promise I won’t take you for granted in future” are typical. Another angle some people try is to flat-out tell their ex how unhappy the breakup is making them, and beg them to end their pain by making up.
But why won’t it work?
Well, it’s because the motives for you getting back together are all wrong. Your ex probably feels guilty already for hurting you, and now you are using those feelings against them, to make them come back. It’s not what they really want to do, and so they feel resentful at being emotionally blackmailed into doing what you want.
This isn’t a good feeling to create in anybody, and you can’t build a happy relationship that way. You must show that you have learned the lessons of the past, and that you are ready to understand and forgive their reasons for breaking up. Unless you can solve the problems that caused it, you’ll soon find yourself breaking up again.
A successful reconciliation will only happen when you ex starts to feel good in your company, and that’s what you must do if you’re going to get them back. Once they start to feel good with you again, they’ll want to spend more time with you. And eventually they’ll start to think about getting back together.
Mistake 3: Trying to Force Things By Using Logic and Reason
Some people are wise enough to avoid the begging and pleading trap, the king of the big mistakes everybody makes after a breakup. That’s usually because they think they can get their ex back by being reasonable and rational.
This can be especially persuasive to someone whose life has just gone out of control, because it sounds so realistic and sensible.
You make a list in your head of all the reasons why you should stay together, why you are right together, how happy you can be together. And then you tell your ex. But relationships aren’t about reason, they’re about emotion. You can’t reason someone into loving you, or convince them they should want to be with you.
And what’s worse, they’ll know that what your real motivation is. And that’s to get something from them. They want to leave, but you want them to stay. And you’re trying to make them do what you want.
How do you feel when someone tries to make you do something? Pretty contrary, probably – you immediately feel that it’s the last thing you really want to do. This is how you ex feels when you try to force the pace and “fix things” by hassling them to make up.
It further undermines their trust in you (which is already shaky). And it makes them run faster in the opposite direction.
Mistake 4: Trying to Buy Your Way Into Your Ex’s Heart
This is the grand gesture, the full Hollywood reconciliation. In the final reel, the hero (and sometimes the heroine) comes rushing up to the love of their life, and pushes the ultimate gift into their hands. The music swells, undying love is declared and the credits roll…
Sorry to be a killjoy, but real life is not Hollywood. No-one ever fell in love with someone because that person gave them a wildly expensive (and probably utterly inappropriate) gift.
Ever heard the song “Can’t buy me love”? Unfortunately money (and gifts) can buy some people, but for all the wrong reasons. But it can’t buy love. It is a kind of manipulation, and it conveys the unappealing message that no-one could ever want you for yourself.
It’s also shallow. It’s saying “Look, I know I’ve behaved like a complete douche for 3 years, but here, LOOK what I’m doing for you now!”
The thing is; a good relationship needs consistency. You can’t make someone miserable for months, and then think it can all be cancelled out by doing something nice for them once. You need to show them consistent actions over time, to prove to them that you mean what you say, and things really will be different in the future.
This is something men are more prone to do than women. They are always looking for the quick and simple fix. But in this situation, there isn’t one.
Mistake 5: Trying to Be Friends (But Hoping They Will Want More)
When you want to get your ex back, the first thing you want to do is to actually see them. After all, it’s hard to create attraction with someone you never meet! So why not keep them in your life as a friend?
Well, you certainly don’t want to cut them out of your life. But nor do you ever want to define your relationship as “friends”; not for as long as you want them back. When you still have romantic and sexual feelings for your ex, it’s impossible for you to co-exist as friends; and any attempt to do so will only mean hurt, frustration and disappointment for you. (For more about this, see the post “Your Ex Wants To Be Friends – Is This A Good Idea?” which you can find here.)
As your ex’s “friend”, you will be there to give them support while they recover from the breakup. They’ll still have as much of you in their life as they want; and without any feelings of guilt either – after all, you have agreed to be friends. You will be helping them to rebuild their life – and then move on to someone else!
Don’t do this. Be polite and friendly, and even flirt, without actually being friends. It’s a delicate tightrope to walk, and you can find out more about how to do it in the post “How to be Friends With Your Ex When You Really Want Him Back”, which you can find here.
Mistake 6: Telling Them How Much They Mean To You (Especially When Drunk)
You’ve had a brainwave! The real problem is that your ex doesn’t really understand how much you love them. So you’ll tell them, at length, and in the most romantic, flowery language you can think of.
For a start, if your ex dumped you, they are probably pretty confident about your feelings anyway. But what matters more is that right now they are not in an emotional place where they are willing to listen to this. They have taken a course of action; and when people decide to do that, it’s best not to challenge them directly. If you do, they will be forced to justify and defend their actions; to you and to themselves.
When you do contact your ex, you must do so in a way that makes them feel comfortable responding to you. That means no heavy emotional scenes. (For more about contacting your ex for the first time after a breakup, visit this page.)
This idea is particularly likely to strike you after a few drinks. Lots of things seem like a good idea then; and you just don’t see how really, really BAD they are until you’re sober again. Be warned, NEVER call, text or email your ex when you’ve been drinking – and better still, try not to over-indulge in alcohol at this time. You need all your wits about you now – aren’t things difficult enough already?
Mistake 7: Trying to Make Your Ex Jealous
Making your ex jealous can be a useful tool for persuading them to think about getting back together with you. But it’s soooo easy to get it wrong. Being seen out enjoying yourself with the opposite sex is great, but not if your ex thinks you’ve actually found someone new.
Why? Well, first you can’t date just anybody in the hope your ex will come racing back to you. You need to keep up your standards. Taking up with someone your ex is unlikely to see as a serious rival won’t make you look desirable; just desperate.
Second, you don’t want to make your ex think they have no chance to get you back, which they probably will if they think you’ve moved on with someone else. What you want to do is make them aware that you have options. Facebook is excellent for this, and you can find a whole post on “How to Use Facebook to Get Your Boyfriend Back” by going here. It will tell you exactly how to make positive use of the jealousy factor in this situation.
But don’t go overboard – with anything (this is one of big mistakes everybody makes after a breakup). Your priority now is to look after yourself, and have fun. But if you really want your ex back, this isn’t the time to go looking for someone new.
Mistake 8: Making It Clear You Are Out of Control
Breaking up makes you vulnerable. Vulnerable to making any of the big mistakes everybody makes after a breakup. These mistakes make you look bad; out of control, not able to cope when things go wrong. This doesn’t just create a bad impression on your ex. It creates a bad impression on everybody.
Some of these mistakes are pretty obvious; eating too much unhealthy food, drinking too much, taking drugs. None of these will make your life better, or help to get your ex back. But there are other things you should avoid.
Being sad about the breakup is understandable, but if you are seriously depressed, you should seek professional help. Being depressed will make it much harder, even impossible, to pick yourself up after the breakup, and rebuild your life.
Don’t talk too much about the breakup. Going on and on about it will put a big strain on the goodwill of your friends, and send all the wrong messages to your ex. Of course your friends will want to offer you support, but don’t be the person who drones on endlessly about their problems. You want to world to see you have your life under control.
Be careful what you say to your ex’s friends. Remember that their first loyalty is to your ex, and anything derogatory you say will undoubtedly be repeated back, possibly with embellishments. You need friends, not enemies just now. Avoiding nasty comments will make you look both classy and confident.
And don’t start trading public insults over who did what to whom. Think of any famous person who has tried this, and remember how bad it made them look. The short-term satisfaction is not worth the long-term damage. Say something nice, or say nothing.
Remember, nobody wants to date a loser.
Mistake 9: Trying to Manipulate Them – and Making It Obvious
The internet is full of advice about ways to manipulate your ex into giving your relationship another chance. No matter how often you come across such advice don’t follow it. Many of the big mistakes everybody makes after a breakup come from following this sort of advice.
Not sure what I mean?
Well, the commonest piece of advice you’ll find is not to talk to your ex for 30 days exactly; no exceptions. Now there are good reasons for not seeing your ex for a while after a breakup, but there is no question of applying an arbitrary number of days to this.
You’ll be ready to see your ex again when you have made enough progress in rebuilding your own life, and only you can know when that time has come. See this post to understand exactly how the No Contact rule should be used in a non-manipulative and positive way.
Another ploy is to suggest you should play hard-to-get. This is never a good idea; and is pretty much guaranteed to drive all the good people away. Look at it from your own perspective. If someone shows no interest in you, and acts as if they’d rather not see you, what do you do? What do you conclude? Do you continue to chase after them? Or do you avoid them?
The only people who respond to the hard-to-get ploy are either the kind who collect scalps, or those with a skin like a rhinoceros. Are these the kind of people you want in your life?
Don’t try and play a role that is unnatural to you. And remember, you’re not the only one with access to the internet. Your ex might already know about these tactics; and if they do, they won’t respect you for using them.
Mistake 10: Missing the Whole Point of Attraction
In the end, it’s got to be your ex’s own choice to come back to you. Any other scenario will only be a patch, and your relationship will probably break up again before long. What you need to do is to create a space between you; but make that space so attractive; your ex will feel compelled to take the first step towards you.
This is one of the reasons for practicing the No Contact rule. It will help to create that vital space.
And the secret of getting your ex to take that first vital step? Attraction. That’s it, pure and simple. Your ex will return to you when they feel attracted to you again. And better still, they will see it as their idea.
So how do you re-attract your ex? Well, you use your relationship skills to make them want to be with you again.
You show them the person you were when you first met
You lead the kind of life they would want to be part of
You show them you have learned from the breakup
In other works, you make the best use you can of your relationship skills; the kind of skills that can create that attraction.
If you don’t already have those skills, don’t panic. They can be learnt. All you have to do is discover what they are and apply them. You can find out about those skills, and how to use them, here.
Did YOU Make Any of the 10 Big Mistakes Everybody Makes After a Breakup?
If so, there’s still time to put things right.
Remember that your ex still has feelings for you. Even if right now they are negative, that’s still better than apathy or indifference.
Now that you understand what not to do, and why, you’re more likely to get things right from now on. And as you have taken the time to master the 10 big mistakes everybody makes after a breakup, you may want to take the next step towards getting your ex back. That step is to get help NOW, to understand those vital relationship skills you need to get your ex back.
Remember, it’s a delicate operation, like painting a miniature or building precise machinery. Make one mistake and the whole thing might crumble. You need to step with care and understand what to do to achieve your goal.
Don’t be the person who goes on making totally unnecessary mistakes. Be the person who takes the next step towards success.
If that’s you, then please go here to find out what to do next. I wish you the best of luck!