It wasn’t your idea. It was his. And when he broke up with you, you were heartbroken. But then he said “We can still be friends, can’t we?” And your heart soared, because you thought you saw a way to get him back. You’d still be seeing him; you’d still have a place in his life. But now that you’re in it, you’re finding it’s not as easy as you expected to get OUT of the friend zone. You’re feeling confused and baffled; perhaps even used.
What do you do? What can you do?
You Try to Analyze His Feelings
When a man isn’t behaving in the way a woman wants or expects, she starts trying to understand why. You try looking for reasons for his behavior, reasons to hope that everything’s going to be fine.
He still calls me
We still hang out together
He still talks to me about his problems
You talk it over with your friends. You’re sure he wouldn’t do these things if he didn’t still care for you. But then he doesn’t show up for the coffee date you’ve been dreaming about for the last three days; and sends a text (late) saying “Sorry. Can’t make it this morning. Call you later”.
Then he disappears for a week.
When he reappears, everything seems fine. He even helps you to fix your zonked lawn mower. You’re sure he must really love you, deep down. But how can you get out of the friend zone and get him to admit it?
You Decide to Be the Best Friend He’s Ever Had…
Cue a common scenario.
When a woman wants to make a man fall in love with her, she tries to show him what a great girlfriend she is (or would be) by making herself indispensible to him.
She’s kind, loving, understanding, forgiving – partly because the nurturing instinct is often strong in women, and partly because these are the qualities SHE values most in relationships. She thinks that by doing everything she can (by her standards) to make him happy, she will get out of the friend zone and draw him back to her.
In fact, doing this is the best way to ensure that you NEVER get out of the friend zone
When women do too much for a man, more than he is doing for them, it feels to him like pressure. He knows you want something from him: his time, his emotional investment, his commitment. These are things he doesn’t want to give; not unless he chooses to do so. The choice must be his, and freely made.
…Because Then He’ll Want You Back
But you think you can influence that choice. You are hoping that you can open his eyes to how wonderful you are by making his life easier. You’re going to show him he can’t do without you. How?
Cooking for him because you want an excuse to spend time at his place
Offering to pick him up or drive him around
Doing his shopping and cleaning
Lending him money
Listening to him complain or talk about his problems (and bathing him in sympathy)
Having sex hoping it’ll mean you’re getting back together
You think that doing these things will remind him what he’s missing by no longer being in a relationship with you.
Then, of course, he’ll have a miraculous revelation: one that tells him YOU MUST GET THIS WOMAN BACK – NOW!
Why He Now Sees You As A Friend
In fact, he’ll completely lose sight of the idea of you as a lover, and begin to see you entirely as a friend. Why? Because you are trying to run the relationship for him, and make it go in the direction you want. You are
Making Things Happen
This is masculine energy. And it isn’t attractive to men, not sexually attractive. What you have to accept is that there’s NO action you can take to force your ex to want you back. You have to create the conditions, become the woman, who will make him WANT to get out of the friend zone – and fast.
Let’s take a step back and look at how you got INTO the friend zone in the first place.
Why Your Ex Wants to be Friends
Unless your breakup was very bitter, it’s quite common for new exes to talk about being friends. This is especially true when the breakup was mutual; but truly mutual breakups are really quite rare. There’s usually one partner who gives things the final push, and this time it was him.
But then he said “Of course we can stay friends”. Why?
He Wants to Soften the Blow
Most people feel bad about ending a relationship. By saying you can remain friends, it makes things seem less harsh and cruel. Knowing that you are inflicting pain makes most people feel guilty, and agreeing to stay friends goes a long way towards easing that guilt. You’re not cutting them off completely. You’re not that much of a brute – in fact, you’re barely a brute at all.
And the person who has just been dumped is suddenly handed a lifeline, and without stopping to consider they grab it with both hands. They think (with overwhelming relief) that this isn’t the end after all. You’ll still be in each other’s lives, and maybe…well, you know the rest.
He’s Afraid He’ll Miss You
When you’ve been together for any length of time, you’ll have become a big part of each other’s lives. Want someone to hang out with at weekends? Sorted. Want someone to take to a party, a wedding, on holiday? That’s all hunky-dory too.
Only now it isn’t
Both of you are facing a big hole in your lives where your ex used to be. But if your ex keeps you as a friend, then he can still see you if he wants to, and with a clear conscience. When your boyfriend is facing his fifth successive night at home alone, he can call YOU. When he’s got nothing else to do on Sundays, he can still hang out with YOU. You’re still a part of his life, only now HE is setting the terms and conditions.
This is the moment when you should acquaint yourself with the No Contact rule. If you still have feelings for your ex, you’ll find that being his friend is a one-way street – his. And you don’t look cool and sophisticated when you agree to stay friends with him; you just look desperate.
Give him the gift of missing you
If he doesn’t want the gift (because he wants to be friends), then you need to insist on it. There’s no chance of him thinking how much he wishes you could get back together when you’ve never actually been apart.
And you’ll never get out of the friend zone either.
(To find out everything you need to know about No Contact, please visit this page.)
He Wants to Keep You as a Fallback
For him, being friends is great. He can go on seeing you as much as he likes. And if things don’t work out for him as he hoped, well, he’s still got you waiting in the wings. All he has to do is ride over the horizon on his white horse waving banners of reconciliation…
Don’t deceive yourself. If he broke up with you, your ex is probably going to assume that you would have him back like a shot if you could. And…he’s right, isn’t he?
It also sends out a message that you’re not really over your ex, which is a powerful deterrent to anyone else who might be attracted to you. Not only are you making quite sure that you DON’T get over your ex and move on, you’re telling the whole world that you’re not available too.
Don’t Worry About Him Moving On
Another reason you might want to be friends with your ex is because you hope it might stop him moving on with someone else. This is always a huge worry when you’re the one who’s been dumped.
The first thing to accept is that you can’t stop your ex doing whatever he likes. You can’t stop him meeting other women. You can’t stop him dating them. You must make a huge effort not to get hung up on this.
Try to keep a sense of proportion. You and your ex share a precious and meaningful history. None of these women can mean to him what you did – and still do. The attraction between you hasn’t died, but it HAS become buried beneath the problems that caused you to break up. You need to show yourself to ex in a different way, a different light; a light that illuminates the qualities that first made him fall in love with you.
But there’s another strategy you can use right now that will help you to get out of the friend zone.
Put Your Ex IN the Friend Zone
Stop waiting for him to call when he’s at a loose end. Call HIM and ask him to help you with an assignment, or to help you move, or for dating advice. Tell him he’s now your go-to authority on the subject of men. Tell him how great it is for you to have a platonic friend who can give you the male perspective on things.
And then tell him what a good friend he is. Tell him you don’t know how you’d ever manage without him. Let him see himself being friend-zoned.
Not many men like it when their ex girlfriends start turning them into their best friends. It makes them feel emasculated and uncomfortable. It makes them want to get out of the friend zone, pronto.
But don’t actually start dating someone else if you really do want him back. This could alienate him completely.
How to Get Out of the Friend Zone
The chances are that if you’re reading this, you’re already in this situation: so how can you get out of the friend zone?
Stop trying to give in order to get. That’s the first thing. When you give anything to anybody, it should be done freely, and without any thought of turning it into some kind of deal. If you only agreed to be friends because you hoped to get him back that way, then stop being friends. It’s not going to help you.
Get In Touch With Your Feminine Energy
Stop doing anything that is actively designed or intended to help you get him back. Focus on yourself, not him. Get involved in and excited about your own life. A woman who doesn’t NEED a man is irresistible to him. Learn to be happy without him.
This will bring you back to your feminine energy and your feminine center. Feminine energy is all about feelings, not actions. When a woman is in her feminine identity, she is utterly compelling to men.
This is the energy, the force in women to which men respond. It’s what will draw him back to you.
Tell Him How You Feel
Don’t deliberately set up a meeting for this, but next time you’re alone with him, tell him how you feel.
Tell him that being friends isn’t possible, at least for now, because you’ve realized you still have feelings for him. Don’t be tempted to turn it into an attempt to get him back. But make it clear that platonic friendship isn’t enough for you, and so you can’t continue seeing him like this.
This is powerful
You are showing him that you have standards, and that you value yourself too highly to settle for less than you are worth. Instead of putting HIM on a pedestal which you are trying to storm, YOU have become the prize.
This is very attractive to a man, and it will make him see you differently.
A woman who values herself too much to accept an unsatisfactory relationship will command his admiration and respect. He will no longer be able to string you along and get away with it. If he wants you, he will have to offer you something better.
But don’t ask for it. Don’t be tempted to ask him for anything, or to talk about your old relationship. Avoid anything needy…
I know we can work things out
We were so good together
I wish you could understand how much I love you
Leave it to him to take action. And even if he doesn’t step up, it will do wonders for your confidence and self-esteem, because you will have taken back control over your life.
Don’t stay in a situation which isn’t making you happy. It won’t get you what you want. To learn more about how to get him back, go here.