It wasn’t your idea. It was his. And when he broke up with you, you were heartbroken. But then he said “We can still be friends, can’t we?” And your heart soared, because you thought you saw a way to get him back. You’d still be seeing him; you’d still have a place in his life. But now that you’re in it, you’re finding it’s not as easy as you expected to get OUT of the friend zone. You’re feeling confused and baffled; perhaps even used.

What do you do? What can you do?

You Try to Analyze His Feelings

When a man isn’t behaving in the way a woman wants or expects, she starts trying to understand why. You try looking for reasons for his behavior, reasons to hope that everything’s going to be fine.

He still calls me

We still hang out together

He still talks to me about his problems

You talk it over with your friends. You’re sure he wouldn’t do these things if he didn’t still care for you. But then he doesn’t show up for the coffee date you’ve been dreaming about for the last three days; and sends a text (late) saying “Sorry. Can’t make it this morning. Call you later”.

Then he disappears for a week.

When he reappears, everything seems fine. He even helps you to fix your zonked lawn mower. You’re sure he must really love you, deep down. But how can you get out of the friend zone and get him to admit it?

You Decide to Be the Best Friend He’s Ever Had…

Cue a common scenario.

When a woman wants to make a man fall in love with her, she tries to show him what a great girlfriend she is (or would be) by making herself indispensible to him.

She’s kind, loving, understanding, forgiving – partly because the nurturing instinct is often strong in women, and partly because these are the qualities SHE values most in relationships. She thinks that by doing everything she can (by her standards) to make him happy, she will get out of the friend zone and draw him back to her.

It won’t

YOU won’t

In fact, doing this is the best way to ensure that you NEVER get out of the friend zone

When women do too much for a man, more than he is doing for them, it feels to him like pressure. He knows you want something from him: his time, his emotional investment, his commitment. These are things he doesn’t want to give; not unless he chooses to do so. The choice must be his, and freely made.

…Because Then He’ll Want You Back

But you think you can influence that choice. You are hoping that you can open his eyes to how wonderful you are by making his life easier. You’re going to show him he can’t do without you. How?

Cooking for him because you want an excuse to spend time at his place

Offering to pick him up or drive him around

Doing his shopping and cleaning

Lending him money

Listening to him complain or talk about his problems (and bathing him in sympathy)

Having sex hoping it’ll mean you’re getting back together

You think that doing these things will remind him what he’s missing by no longer being in a relationship with you.

Then, of course, he’ll have a miraculous revelation: one that tells him YOU MUST GET THIS WOMAN BACK – NOW!

Why He Now Sees You As A Friend

If only.

In fact, he’ll completely lose sight of the idea of you as a lover, and begin to see you entirely as a friend. Why? Because you are trying to run the relationship for him, and make it go in the direction you want. You are




Making Things Happen

This is masculine energy. And it isn’t attractive to men, not sexually attractive. What you have to accept is that there’s NO action you can take to force your ex to want you back. You have to create the conditions, become the woman, who will make him WANT to get out of the friend zone – and fast.

Let’s take a step back and look at how you got INTO the friend zone in the first place.

Why Your Ex Wants to be Friends

Unless your breakup was very bitter, it’s quite common for new exes to talk about being friends. This is especially true when the breakup was mutual; but truly mutual breakups are really quite rare. There’s usually one partner who gives things the final push, and this time it was him.

But then he said “Of course we can stay friends”. Why?

He Wants to Soften the Blow

Most people feel bad about ending a relationship. By saying you can remain friends, it makes things seem less harsh and cruel. Knowing that you are inflicting pain makes most people feel guilty, and agreeing to stay friends goes a long way towards easing that guilt. You’re not cutting them off completely. You’re not that much of a brute – in fact, you’re barely a brute at all.

And the person who has just been dumped is suddenly handed a lifeline, and without stopping to consider they grab it with both hands. They think (with overwhelming relief) that this isn’t the end after all. You’ll still be in each other’s lives, and maybe…well, you know the rest.

He’s Afraid He’ll Miss You

When you’ve been together for any length of time, you’ll have become a big part of each other’s lives. Want someone to hang out with at weekends? Sorted. Want someone to take to a party, a wedding, on holiday? That’s all hunky-dory too.

Only now it isn’t

Both of you are facing a big hole in your lives where your ex used to be. But if your ex keeps you as a friend, then he can still see you if he wants to, and with a clear conscience. When your boyfriend is facing his fifth successive night at home alone, he can call YOU. When he’s got nothing else to do on Sundays, he can still hang out with YOU. You’re still a part of his life, only now HE is setting the terms and conditions.

This is the moment when you should acquaint yourself with the No Contact rule. If you still have feelings for your ex, you’ll find that being his friend is a one-way street – his. And you don’t look cool and sophisticated when you agree to stay friends with him; you just look desperate.

Give him the gift of missing you

If he doesn’t want the gift (because he wants to be friends), then you need to insist on it. There’s no chance of him thinking how much he wishes you could get back together when you’ve never actually been apart.

And you’ll never get out of the friend zone either.

(To find out everything you need to know about No Contact, please visit this page.)

He Wants to Keep You as a Fallback

For him, being friends is great. He can go on seeing you as much as he likes. And if things don’t work out for him as he hoped, well, he’s still got you waiting in the wings. All he has to do is ride over the horizon on his white horse waving banners of reconciliation…

Don’t deceive yourself. If he broke up with you, your ex is probably going to assume that you would have him back like a shot if you could. And…he’s right, isn’t he?

It also sends out a message that you’re not really over your ex, which is a powerful deterrent to anyone else who might be attracted to you. Not only are you making quite sure that you DON’T get over your ex and move on, you’re telling the whole world that you’re not available too.

Don’t Worry About Him Moving On

Another reason you might want to be friends with your ex is because you hope it might stop him moving on with someone else. This is always a huge worry when you’re the one who’s been dumped.

The first thing to accept is that you can’t stop your ex doing whatever he likes. You can’t stop him meeting other women. You can’t stop him dating them. You must make a huge effort not to get hung up on this.

Try to keep a sense of proportion. You and your ex share a precious and meaningful history. None of these women can mean to him what you did – and still do. The attraction between you hasn’t died, but it HAS become buried beneath the problems that caused you to break up. You need to show yourself to ex in a different way, a different light; a light that illuminates the qualities that first made him fall in love with you.

But there’s another strategy you can use right now that will help you to get out of the friend zone.

Put Your Ex IN the Friend Zone

Stop waiting for him to call when he’s at a loose end. Call HIM and ask him to help you with an assignment, or to help you move, or for dating advice. Tell him he’s now your go-to authority on the subject of men. Tell him how great it is for you to have a platonic friend who can give you the male perspective on things.

And then tell him what a good friend he is. Tell him you don’t know how you’d ever manage without him. Let him see himself being friend-zoned.

Not many men like it when their ex girlfriends start turning them into their best friends. It makes them feel emasculated and uncomfortable. It makes them want to get out of the friend zone, pronto.

But don’t actually start dating someone else if you really do want him back. This could alienate him completely.

How to Get Out of the Friend Zone

The chances are that if you’re reading this, you’re already in this situation: so how can you get out of the friend zone?

Stop trying to give in order to get. That’s the first thing. When you give anything to anybody, it should be done freely, and without any thought of turning it into some kind of deal. If you only agreed to be friends because you hoped to get him back that way, then stop being friends. It’s not going to help you.

Get In Touch With Your Feminine Energy

Stop doing anything that is actively designed or intended to help you get him back. Focus on yourself, not him. Get involved in and excited about your own life.  A woman who doesn’t NEED a man is irresistible to him. Learn to be happy without him.

This will bring you back to your feminine energy and your feminine center. Feminine energy is all about feelings, not actions. When a woman is in her feminine identity, she is utterly compelling to men.





This is the energy, the force in women to which men respond. It’s what will draw him back to you.

Tell Him How You Feel

Don’t deliberately set up a meeting for this, but next time you’re alone with him, tell him how you feel.

Tell him that being friends isn’t possible, at least for now, because you’ve realized you still have feelings for him. Don’t be tempted to turn it into an attempt to get him back. But make it clear that platonic friendship isn’t enough for you, and so you can’t continue seeing him like this.

This is powerful

You are showing him that you have standards, and that you value yourself too highly to settle for less than you are worth. Instead of putting HIM on a pedestal which you are trying to storm, YOU have become the prize.

This is very attractive to a man, and it will make him see you differently.

A woman who values herself too much to accept an unsatisfactory relationship will command his admiration and respect. He will no longer be able to string you along and get away with it. If he wants you, he will have to offer you something better.

But don’t ask for it. Don’t be tempted to ask him for anything, or to talk about your old relationship. Avoid anything needy…

I know we can work things out

We were so good together

I wish you could understand how much I love you

Leave it to him to take action. And even if he doesn’t step up, it will do wonders for your confidence and self-esteem, because you will have taken back control over your life.

Don’t stay in a situation which isn’t making you happy. It won’t get you what you want. To learn more about how to get him back, go here.

This Post Has 18 Comments

  1. Lauren

    My ex broke up with me a month ago saying she needed to work on herself because she was going through some mental health issues. She wants to be friends and we still text everyday and FaceTime a few times a week. She keeps in touch with me and we even hung out today but today she said she still loves me but has feelings for someone else and wants to see what happens with that for now. This other person she has feelings for is her best friend who pretty much just told her that she wants to build on their friendship and see what happens naturally. I agreed to being friends and hanging out just as friends and she said she wants to just build on our friendship and take things one day at a time because she doesn’t know what the future holds for us or for her and this other person. My feeling is if this new person doesn’t work out she will come back to me but I’m not sure, I want to be there to support her because I do love her I’m just not sure if I’m being too optimistic or if she’s just keeping me around as a backup option. Something in my gut is telling me to not give up on her and wait for as long as it takes but Thank you!!

    1. Sarah

      Try and take a step back and work on other aspects of your life. Go out with your friends and enjoy yourself. Work on your career. There should always be more to your life than just one relationship.

  2. milliee

    hi my boyfriend of sort of 3 years we have known each other we started dating after he chased after me for weeks and years suddenly decided we should break up after that he went out clubbing most nights doing drugs and sleeping with a lass one night and then telling me about it he said i was too much numerous times throughout the relationship but im stuck for the past two days he was none stop flirting saying he loves me suddenly today its been said friends only thats the final decision he didnt care how i felt about the relationship or how im hurting part of me wants him back still i told him i cant be friends because i still have feelings for him im confused how he has managed to literally turn his feelings off do u think theres still feelings there or is there a way i can get him back?

    1. Sarah

      Read what you’ve written and ask yourself if the man you describe would ever make you happy.

  3. Emily

    My boyfriend broke up with me last week but said he still wants us to be in each other’s lives and become friends. I told him I still had feelings for him and that I couldn’t be his friend, but said I would try just for the sake of it. Ever since he has he texted me most day sand acted as though nothing happened and that we were fine. I responded and we started texting like when we were together. I thought that by being his ‘friend’ it would help make him realize and fall in love with me again. But was I wrong. Tt made him friendzone me even more. We don’t hang out one on one anymore, but always with friends. I don’t see him coming back to me if I keep sticking around as his friend. I can’t avoid him because I see him almost everyday in college, we have the same classes together. At one point, I even agreed to become his ‘friend’. Is it too late to get him back after me agreeing to be his ‘friend’ and doing NC since the start?

    1. Sarah

      It’s not too late. Start doing no contact and stop hanging out with him outside your classes.

  4. Julia

    Hello! My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7.5 years and this year he said he lost feelings for me. I am 22 and he is 21 so we met at a very early age. He said he wanted space in march and we had a break of 5 weeks and he then expressed he missed me and he wanted to see me but he then began to see me less and write to me less and now 2 days ago he said he didn’t love me like he used to and that he doesn’t want a relationship but wishes that he had those feelings.. I already accepted friendship because I was miserable and didn’t want to loose him. Would it be best to do no contact and when he initiates contact, I try to flirt or when he asks to see me I try to flirt? To keep out of the friendzone. I do think its too late to write another message saying that I don’t want to be friends and I would want to avoid the friend word as I have heard it can ruin things. Please help me

    1. Sarah

      Tell him you can’t be friends because that’s the truth, and he will respect you for that. Then follow plan (find out more about that here).

  5. Roshi fernandez

    My boyfriend wanted to break up with me as I always distrust him and blame him. Though I promised him I will correct my mistakes he was constantly telling me that it is really hard him to set up his mind to love me again and asked me to wait a month. That time is to see whether we can become lovers again. He told if he cannot set up his mind we should move one but for me it is really hard as I still love him. Now two weeks have gone from the day we broke up but he texts me as a friend. I am afraid that he is using this time to change his mind to break up with me completely. What can I do now ? Please help me.

    1. Sarah

      Why do you distrust him and for what do you blame him? Until you can get to grips with whatever is causing you to do this your relationship will just go on in the same old rut.

  6. Leona

    So my boyfriend of one and a half years broke up with me three months ago. Since then I’ve been trying to do everything to make things work, which now I realized was being desperate which made things worse. When he told his parents we broke he didn’t tell them why, so when his mom asked me I told her. Which made him more angry, since then things got worse between us, every time we spoke he fought or argued. He blocked me a few times and about a month ago he unblocked me. Since unblocking me we’ve talked a few times sometimes he was angry and sometimes he was nice, he would also get upset when I take long to reply to his messages or message him days apart. He apparently told his cousin that he doesn’t want part the toxic parts of our relationship again but rather to start over. A week after he told his cousin that he messaged me to say he wants to be my friend and help build me up. And that’s he’s better off being my friend. I don’t know what to do as I really love him and when we were together we spoke about spending the rest of our lives together. I love him so much that I believe he’s my soulmate. Do you think it’s really over or is there a chance in the future for us to get back together?

    1. Sarah

      You admit you’ve made mistakes (this article might help with that), but it sounds as if your ex isn’t sure what he wants either. See if this article helps to give you some direction.

  7. Elle

    We have a baby together, he treats me like his wife, I stay over his house, we talk every night by videochat, he’s there for my older 2 daughters. He’s always cuddling me, there’s just no sex, he’s said he doesn’t want a relationship with me, yet says he’d die for me. Our baby is his 1st child. I’m totally ingrained in his life.
    He does get jealous if I have the baby near other men, even if just friends.
    I love him. What should I do?

    1. Sarah

      Try reading your comment if you can with a degree of detachment, because it is full of contradictions.

      Consider these 3 statements: ‘he treats me like his wife’, ‘I stay over his house’ and ‘he’s said he doesn’t want a relationship with me’. Husbands and wives live together in the same house; but not only are you not married, you are not even living together. Therefore he is not by the remotest stretch of the imagination treating you like his wife. And that’s before we get to the third statement in which he states categorically that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

      Your relationship appears more like that of friends with benefits, but with the additional complication of a child. How did that happen? Was it by mutual consent, or an ‘accident’? I would guess the latter, which would explain why he now refuses to have sex with you: because he doesn’t want another ‘accident’ to happen.

      You paint a picture of a man who generally likes children, feels responsible for the child he has fathered not matter what the circumstances, but who is in no way committed to you (or has any intention of ever being so).

  8. Shazny McNally

    My Ex said he only saw me as a friend when he wanted to break up. He did say he didn’t want to be with anyone at all and he because of his past, he told before we got together that he is afraid of getting close to anyone. He didn’t respond when I asked him not with me. This happened through text because we don’t see eachother that often. But since the breakup, we have texted everyday but we only see eachother like twice a week in work. I did flirt with him and he responded as I could tell in his eyes. That night, he asked me to go out drinking but the next day he said he can’t because he was too hungover and that he needs to stop making plans when he’s drunk because he usually does not follow through on them. Last night I opened up about how down I’ve been feeling about a lot of things but not about me and him. I know that he was hungover and watching tv so I ended the conversation. He did say he would make it up to me at some point.

    1. Sarah

      Make what up to you?

      Don’t chase after a man who is already pulling away. It only makes him run faster. Don’t answer his texts instantly, and don’t be available whenever he wants you.

  9. Yolande

    But the thing is, we’re really great friends now. We get on so much better now than we ever did when we were together. And surely that means we really were MEANT to be together? That he really is the One for me?

    1. Sarah

      Or perhaps friends is all you are really meant to be? Perhaps your relationship works best on that level?

      But if you really want him back, you need to do two things. First, stop being the kind of friends who spend time together, let alone a lot of time. The more you do this, the more likely your ex is to pigeon-hole you as that, permanently. And second, get a grip on what you are both doing right now that you didn’t get right when you were together. Because that’s the knowledge you need to build a better relationship in future.

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