Being dumped sucks. Especially if it was a complete shock to you – and be honest, how many of us ever expect it to happen? And now you’re desperate to know how to get your ex boyfriend back if he broke up with you.
Do you know the reason for the breakup? Did he even give you one? Or did he give you some old cliché like “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I need to take some space”? Or worse still, has it just been complete radio silence?
It’s hard to know how to mend your relationship if your ex won’t tell you honestly why he broke up with you (you can read more about exactly how to get him to tell you this here). But one good thing to know is that if he doesn’t want to hurt you more by telling you blunt and hurtful truths, then he probably still has feelings for you.
Is there a chance for you?
Can you get your ex boyfriend back?
But it’s important to know what really went wrong so that you don’t keep repeating the same mistakes.
It’s so easy to find all your relationships following the same pattern without really knowing why. But when you understand what went wrong, you will be able to break that pattern.
Why Did It All End So Painfully?
Big question now – why do men leave women? Did YOUR boyfriend tell you why he left?
If he did – great! At least you have some idea of what went wrong between you. But most men hate hurting a woman’s feelings, especially one he still cares for, so he may not have been entirely honest with you. He may not even know the real reason himself.
So how did you end up here, broken up and broken hearted?
At first everything between you was great. That was the honeymoon period, and it can go on for several months, even a year or two. But eventually you find yourself confronted with reality. Your boyfriend is a real person with real faults, and he has discovered the same about you.
You make less effort to impress each other and make each other happy. His adorable quirks have become irritating or annoying habits – and so have yours.
The romance is fading fast – and then one day, you find it has disappeared. He’s gone. And you have to face up to why it happened.
So He Broke Up With You – Why?
It’s not you, it’s me…
This is one of the most common reason men give for leaving, especially if you haven’t been dating that long. In some ways you were lucky to get that much; it’s not unusual for a man just to stop calling. And it’s extremely frustrating, because it’s a non-reason. It tells you nothing. What does it really mean?
The real reason behind why he broke up with you is really the same as why women break up with men: the relationship wasn’t giving him what he wanted. When he says “It’s not you, it’s me” it usually means one of these things.
He wasn’t attracted to you anymore
This is probably just down to chemistry. Maybe the relationship started out electrifying, but the fireworks have fizzled out. Of maybe he liked you and thought you were cute, but it hasn’t gone anywhere. If he’s not finding you interesting or exciting, he’s lost his motivation for getting to know you better.
He was getting bored with you or your relationship
If he isn’t enjoying the time he spends with you, especially when the relationship is new, he’s lost the only reason he had for staying. The relationship has become work, long before he has come to feel any desire or obligation to work at it.
His emotional or sexual needs weren’t being fulfilled
This is something he probably won’t want to talk about, so he’ll just make some generic excuse and leave. Or maybe he was only interested in sex, and either the novelty has worn off (if you slept with him) or he’s not prepared to wait (if you didn’t).
He just knows something’s not right
This is more difficult to overcome since the reason is so hard to pinpoint. Maybe he feels you are becoming too keen too quickly, that you want different things or that you are simply incompatible.
Things aren’t always so nebulous. Sometimes the reason is obvious, such as when he was unfaithful, or you cheated on him. This is a difficult subject to deal with, and there are separate pages on this website for advice on what to do next. If HE cheated, visit this page; if it was YOU, then it’s this page.
He Broke Up With You – More Reasons…
If you had been dating for some time, or were living together, then the breakup is going to be shattering and demoralizing. He should have given you some reason, but agonizing over an emotional mess is something a man will avoid like the plague. If you’re still in the dark over why he really broke up with you, you may find the answer here.
He couldn’t make you happy
This can be through basic incompatibility or just a failure to communicate properly (he will call it nagging. You are constantly making it clear that he doesn’t come up to scratch). When his best efforts fail to make you happy or even contented, he becomes discouraged and even resentful. Eventually he stops trying and pulls away from the relationship. This is one of the most common reasons men give for ending a marriage, so it’s vital you understand how important it is to him.
You didn’t appreciate him
A man needs to feel that his efforts to please you and make you happy are succeeding. If you are so independent that you don’t appear to need him for anything, he’ll wonder what exactly you DO want him for. A man likes to feel there are things that only he can do for you.
You were dismissive of his interests
You don’t need to become a wild enthusiast about something that really isn’t your thing, but you can still show your support for the things that matter to him. Some women can be scathing about their boyfriend’s more eclectic interests, which is very damaging to the relationship. Don’t dismiss out of hand something that you haven’t even tried yet. Give it a go – you might even find you like it!
He couldn’t trust you
Trust for men means knowing that you’re on his side. Of course it means being faithful to him, but it also means showing him loyalty and support in public. If you make fun of him or put him down in front of his friends or family, he will not want to stay with you.
The passion disappeared
Your boyfriend wants you to be more than just his best friend, although that’s important too. But if he has started to see you as more of a buddy than a girlfriend, then this lack of chemistry means he can’t sustain a relationship with you.
His freedom felt threatened
Everyone needs time to themselves, and men are especially sensitive about how free they feel to do the things they enjoy. If you are the kind of woman who wants to spend every moment with your man, then he will start to feel suffocated – and you will lose the identity that attracted him to you in the first place. For both your sakes, make sure you keep up with your own interests – and give him space to keep up with his.
You have very different values
You can adjust to someone’s bad habits, or change them. But when your ambitions clash; or you disagree about your future lifestyle or whether to have children, no compromise is possible. One or both of you is going to feel unhappy, unfulfilled, trapped, or resentful.
You’re at different points in life
This can be an age related problem, or it can be because of experience. A couple with a significant age gap (10+ years) may want different things from life. One may want to settle down; while the other wants to enjoy life (this is not necessarily the younger one. Someone in middle age may want to live a carefree life free of responsibility, while the younger person wants a family.) Or a younger, less romantically or sexually knowledgeable person may feel threatened by a more experienced person’s past.
You’re not the one
He thinks you’re wonderful in many ways, maybe he even loves you, but something’s missing. He just knows that somewhere out there is someone better still.
Trying looking at your relationship again with these ideas in mind, and think about how they relate to you. Some of them are problems that can be solved, some aren’t. You won’t be doing yourself a favor by trying to save a relationship that will never be happy.
CAN You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If He Broke Up With You?
Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
Men DO break up with women they love, even though it’s a hard thing for them to do. This is usually because they can’t see any future in the relationship. Why is this?
If there was a lot of drama or conflict, especially if it was a recurring problem, he will find it difficult to trust you with his future. If you can’t cope with everyday problems without magnifying them into crises, how will you cope when something big goes wrong?
Sometimes there isn’t enough real connection between you to make him feel truly committed to the relationship. When this deep connection is missing, keeping the relationship going becomes work instead of pleasure. There’s no joy left in it. Problems become mountains instead of just bumps on the road. And he loses the motivation to keep things going.
It’s not always easy to see why a relationship isn’t working. That’s one of the reasons for spending some time apart – it can help you obtain clarity, as well as regaining your equilibrium. (For more about this please visit this page.)
It’s important to try to stay calm right now – yes, I know that’s the last thing you feel, and it’ll be really hard. But it’s vital to avoid making things worse by doing things that will drive him further away. For more about that, visit this page.
Getting him back will not be easy either. But it’ll be even harder if you still don’t really know the reason why it all ended. For a full explanation of how to get your ex boyfriend back if he broke up with you; make sure you click the link below.
My ex broke up with me last week using the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ excuse. Should I move on or is it worth trying no contact?
Try the no contact process first then slowly build rapport when it’s over.
I’m at the end of my tether. My boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me because he thought I was cheating on him which is not true. We had the greatest relationship until few months ago when someone told him that I was cheating on him (untrue). He was cheated on in one of his previous relationships, and ever since this guy said I was cheating he’s been killing me with his suspicions. He follows me, checks my phone, mails, fb – everything. He didn’t find anything because there was nothing to find, but he calls me names and is suspicious of everything I do. And now he suspects me of sleeping with my boss (I’m not, of course), but it’s getting difficult just to go to work. I told him I would never cheat but he won’t believe me and he broke up with me because he believed it was all true. I still love him and want him back but I don’t know how to get him to trust me. I am doing no contact but I’m not sure how long I should keep it up. Please help.
His behavior is not normal, and he is making you suffer for someone else’s sins. Keep up the no contact and think about whether that is the kind of person you really want to be with. You need to make him understand that you expect him to treat you with respect. Set your boundaries and insist he respects them, otherwise he’ll never be able to keep any woman for long. Tell him that.
Me and my ex were together for a little more than a year. We were good in the beginning we clicked instantly and there was never a dull moment. Once the pandemic started we couldnt see eachother often i got depressed and took it out on him a lot. we were arguing contantly until he broke it off.he blocked me then i kept reaching out and one day he was like i miss you i dont hate you pretty much still we havnt seen eachother much. he said he wanted me then changed his mind and tbh he caused me a lot of hurt but i still want him back. i dont know what to do because we cant really bond rn due to the distance but he seems to want me but is having doubts. He knows i changed in a good way but i feel like his friends and ppl close to him is influencing him idk what to do
Taking things out on people when the problem is not their fault is not an attractive characteristic. Could you perhaps try to find another way of venting your frustrations which doesn’t impact so harshly on the people around you? Regular exercise, or even just kicking a ball around a yard, might help, or talking it over with a friend who is in a similar situation. There’s plenty of people who are!
Me and my ex had been together for 2 years and engaged for the last 6 months. Just recently we started looking for a house together and planning the wedding and then last week out of the blue he ended it. He said that things were moving too fast and he wasn’t sure it was right and it wasn’t fair to me if he didn’t feel 100% committed. But he was the one (I thought) who wanted us to be together. I’ve been doing no contact but I haven’t heard from him, which makes me afraid I never will. What should I do?
It sounds as if he’s got cold feet and he probably hasn’t contacted you because he’s still confused and uncertain about what he wants. Keep up the no contact for another couple of weeks and then try reaching out to him to see how he feels (go here to find out how).
My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago but we are still living together with our son. I love him but he says he doesn’t have feelings for me any more but we can still have sex. What should I do?
Do not sleep with him under any circumstances: you do not want to become a friend with benefits. Read and follow the rules of no contact.