When it’s over, really over, it’s easy for old flames to be friends. But what about when you didn’t want to break up? And you desperately want him back? If you’re wondering how to be friends with your ex when you really want him back then perhaps you’re asking yourself the wrong question.
Maybe what you should be asking is “Can I be friends with my ex? Won’t it be just too difficult, too upsetting?”. But if you parted without too much acrimony it’s quite common for new exes to say “We can still be friends, can’t we?”; and it’s tempting to want to say ‘yes’ because it’s so hard to let go of him.
Because if you do keep in touch with him, it’ll give you a real chance to try to get him back. After all, you can’t re-attract him if you never see him, can you?
There’s certainly a lot of truth in that.
But you should realize that you’re in a very delicate situation which carries a big risk of a broken heart – for you. How to be friends with your ex is difficult when you still have feelings for him; and to have a chance of getting him back you will need to learn the art of dissembling and playing a double game.
So before you embark on such a difficult task you should think about whether it has a chance of succeeding. There are situations which would make it impossible for you to carry it off, and you need to decide if yours is one of those.
When Being Friends With Your Ex Just Won’t Work
Breaking up is hard and you will need time to heal. You must give yourself a chance to think about what went wrong and whether it’s possible put things right between you. It’s also important to consider how you and your ex would react to each other in a platonic relationship.
Does the very thought of your ex upset or enrage you?
Are you terrified of him finding someone else?
Are you hoping he’ll change, instead of concentrating on how you’re going to move on?
Are you just lonely?
Such feelings are understandable, but they will make it impossible for you to be friends with your ex. You need to be cool about seeing him, with friends, even with other women. Remember it’s not necessarily a new girlfriend; and even if it is, rebound relationships don’t usually last.
Accept that it will be hard. But if you have the self-discipline and the nerve, it can be done.
How to Be Friends With Your Ex (Without Messing Up)
The trick is not to try to force the situation with your ex to change. At the same time, you must avoid falling into the Friend Zone.
As you can imagine, you’re setting yourself up for a roller coaster ride emotionally. That’s why it’s so important to be sure of yourself before you start.
You need to have a certain level of security and self-belief to do this. If you have been badly hurt by the breakup, or your self-esteem is low, then this strategy is not for you. You would be better off practicing active no contact and working on your confidence issues before seeing your boyfriend again.
But being able to see your ex, whether it’s regularly or just from time to time, will give you the chance to lay some foundations for getting your relationship back on track. You want to paint a “What if…” picture in his mind, while keeping him guessing about whether it could really happen.
Know That You Are Not Actually Friends – and Never Use the F – Word
Don’t ever refer to you and your boyfriend as ‘just friends’.
You are ex lovers who still speak to each other, as opposed to spitting bile in each other’s direction. Using the word ‘friend’ paints a subliminal picture in his mind which can easily turn into reality. You don’t want your ex to get comfortable with the idea of your being friends. Instead you want to keep a feeling of tension and anticipation which makes him not quite sure where he stands with you.
Be Flirty and Fun
Remember to flirt with him and have fun!
There is an art to flirting with an ex boyfriend, so make sure you understand the subtleties of this new and intriguing game (for more on that, visit this page). Keeping the fun going between you will get under your ex’s skin and make him wonder why he let you go.
Don’t meet up for intense chats à deux. Go somewhere fun and entertaining with a group of friends. Do things that are fast paced and exciting, if possible with an element of danger, so you can forget about the problems you had in the past.
Men bond much more easily when you share experiences, especially adrenalin-filled experiences, than through having long conversations. So use this to your advantage.
Don’t Become His Confidante
It might seem that this is a great way to get close to him, but you’d be wrong. This is the quickest way to put yourself permanently in the Friend Zone.
Men don’t pour out their troubles to women they find attractive. They do it to the trusty old mates they know so well that they don’t need to impress them. Keep away from any discussion of personal problems, including the issues surrounding your breakup. If he tries to bring up the subject, then you need to draw back a bit and create some distance between you.
This will ensure he keeps wanting more.
Get a Feeling For Where He Stands
At some point you will have to find out whether he has any thoughts of getting back together. Depending on how he acts in your company and responds to your flirting, you should have formed an idea of how he feels.
Give him a chance to open up by talking about the fun you seem to have together nowadays.
His response should give you a good idea of whether he has any romantic thoughts about you. Be prepared for the possibility that he may not respond as you hope, and have a graceful exit line ready. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship work, and you cannot force him to do what you want.
Get a Commitment
How to be friends with your ex means setting your boundaries – and sticking to them.
Don’t be prepared to settle for something less than a commitment. It’s all too easy for you to lose your head at some point and find yourself a Friend with Benefits. That’s why it’s so important to be able to discipline yourself not to rush things, and to hold out for what you want.
If your boyfriend really wants you back, he will keep pursuing you until he gets a definite answer; so don’t feel that you have to give something first. The promise of great things to come should be enough to make him want to get back together with you.
How to Be Friends With Your Ex (When You Really Want Him Back)
There is nothing wrong with keeping your ex in your life, as long as you know what you want from him. If you really want him back, then you should use your time together as an opportunity to reconnect with him.
Remember what you are trying to do, and don’t let your new situation degenerate into the ease and comfort of real friendship. And realize that the game you are playing is a delicate one. You know he was attracted to you once. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t feel the same again, as long as you keep the sexual tension between you. And don’t let him forget that you are a woman, not a friend.
Don’t expect things to change too quickly. It’s a mistake to try to force the pace, no matter how urgently you would like things to change. If you feel tempted to do something rash, then pause and think again. Slow and steady is the best way to move things along.