How to Be Friends With Your Ex When You Really Want Him Back

How to Be Friends With Your Ex When You Really Want Him Back

You didn’t want to break up. And now you’re wondering how to be friends with your ex – because it’s so hard to let go of him, and really, you want him back.

And if you parted without too much acrimony, it’s quite common for new exes to say ‘We can still be friends, can’t we?

If you secretly want your boyfriend back, it’s very tempting to say ‘yes’. Because if you do keep in touch with him, it’ll give you a real chance to try to get him back. After all, you can’t re-attract him if you never see him, can you?

There’s certainly a lot of truth in that.

But you should realize that you are in a very delicate situation which carries a big risk of a broken heart – for you. How to be friends with your ex is difficult when you still have feelings for him; and to have a chance of getting him back you will need to learn the art of dissembling and playing a double game.

But if you have the self-discipline and the nerve, it can be done.

How to Be Friends With Your Ex

The trick is not to try to force the situation with your ex to change. At the same time, you must avoid falling into the Friend Zone.

As you can imagine, you’re setting yourself up for a roller coaster ride emotionally. That’s why it’s so important to be sure of yourself before you start.

You need to have a certain level of security and self-belief to do this. If you have been badly hurt by the breakup, or your self-esteem is low, then this strategy is not for you. You would be better off practicing active no contact and working on your confidence issues before seeing your boyfriend again.

But being able to see your ex, whether it’s regularly or just from time to time, will give you the chance to lay some foundations for getting your relationship back on track. You want to paint a “What if…“ picture in his mind, while keeping him guessing about whether it could really happen.

Know That You Are Not Actually Friends – and Never Use the F – Word

Don’t ever refer to you and your boyfriend as ‘just friends’.

You are ex lovers who still speak to each other, as opposed to spitting bile in each other’s direction. Using the word ‘friend’ paints a subliminal picture in his mind which can easily turn into reality. You don’t want your ex to get comfortable with the idea of your being friends. Instead you want to keep a feeling of tension and anticipation which makes him not quite sure where he stands with you.

Be Flirty and Fun

Remember to flirt with him and have fun!

There is an art to flirting with an ex boyfriend, so make sure you understand the subtleties of this new and intriguing game (for more on that, visit this page). Keeping the fun going between you will get under your ex’s skin and make him wonder why he let you go.

Don’t meet up for intense chats à deux. Go somewhere fun and entertaining with a group of friends. Do things that are fast paced and exciting, if possible with an element of danger, so you can forget about the problems you had in the past.

Don’t Become His Confidante

It might seem that this is a great way to get close to him, but you’d be wrong. This is the quickest way to put yourself permanently in the Friend Zone.

Men don’t pour out their troubles to women they find attractive. They do it to the trusty old mates they know so well that they don’t need to impress them. Keep away from any discussion of personal problems, including the issues surrounding your breakup. If he tries to bring up the subject, then you need to draw back a bit and create some distance between you. This will ensure he keeps wanting more.

Get a Feeling For Where He Stands

At some point you will have to find out whether he has any thoughts of getting back together. Depending on how he acts in your company and responds to your flirting, you should have formed an idea of how he feels.

Give him a chance to open up by talking about the fun you seem to have together nowadays.

His response should give you a good idea of whether he has any romantic thoughts about you. Be prepared for the possibility that he may not respond as you hope, and have a graceful exit line ready. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship work, and you cannot force him to do what you want.

Get a Commitment

How to be friends with your ex means setting your boundaries – and sticking to them.

Don’t be prepared to settle for something less than a commitment. It’s all too easy for you to lose your head at some point and find yourself a Friend with Benefits. That’s why it’s so important to be able to discipline yourself not to rush things, and to hold out for what you want.

If your boyfriend really wants you back, he will keep pursuing you until he gets a definite answer; so don’t feel that you have to give something first. The promise of great things to come should be enough to make him want to get back together with you.

There is nothing wrong with keeping your ex in your life, as long as you know what you want from him. If you really want him back, then you should use your time together as an opportunity to reconnect with him.

Remember what you are trying to do, and don’t let your new situation degenerate into the ease and comfort of real friendship. And realize that the game you are playing is a delicate one. You know he was attracted to you once. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t feel the same again, as long as you keep the sexual tension between you. And don’t let him forget that you are a woman, not a friend.

 

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87 Responses to How to Be Friends With Your Ex When You Really Want Him Back

  1. My boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere saying that he doesn’t think he will be able to handle relationship with his work even though I didn’t ask for anything. What can I do to get him back? It was a very fine relationship with no tension and arguments

    • In what way was it ‘fine’? How much time did you spend together? How hard did your boyfriend try to make you happy? What is it about work that makes him feel unable to handle a relationship?

  2. My ex girlfriend broke up with me 4 months ago. She asked me to be friends and I accepted. After 2 weeks she asked for space and we had an argument. She ignored me and was rude and cold for a month, so I did limited contact during that time. Slowly she started warming up again and contacting me. Now she texts me almost everyday and when we have to see each other she is sweet, laughing at my jokes, paying me attention… But then she’s doing weird things like: inviting me to the cinema but then saying she’s too busy. She says we should have dinner together someday but never sets a day, invites me home but then that day she has something urgent at her job so she cancels… Why is she acting hot and cold? It makes me so confused…

  3. Me and my ex were best friends for 5 years. During those 5 years he chased me and wanted to date but i didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I finally ended up giving him a chance. We all argued a lot so it made sense that we argued a lot in the relationship but we always made up and we had so many fun times together. We moved in together and was together for 9 months! He told me he need a break 2 months ago. He said he need to think. I was hurt …. last month he ended up telling me there was a girl he wanted to sleep with but only for sex not because he liked her. He talked about us getting back together. A week later he became cold on me again. He started accusing me of having a secret boyfriend and he started getting mad and upset when i went out with friends. I have since blocked him and cut off communication. It hurts because i just want my best friend back… what should I do?

    • You should decide what it is you really want.
      Do you want this man as a friend, or a lover?
      Your post suggests that, really, you only ever wanted him as a friend; but he wanted more. In the end, you gave in to his importunities; but you didn’t have the feelings to make such a relationship work. So now you want to go back to being friends; which was always the relationship you really wanted.
      But you have crossed a line; and now you can’t go back. He wants you as a girlfriend: you only want him as a friend.
      You need to tell him that this isn’t possible; that you have tried, but you just don’t have those feelings for him. And you must accept that your “friendship” is over. The truth is that it was never really a friendship: your “friend” always wanted more from you than you could give, and true friendship between you just isn’t possible.
      You have lost someone you cherished as a friend; he has lost someone he wanted as a lover.
      You must go you separate ways.

  4. Okay, so I have a situation. I met a guy when I first moved here a year ago, after two weeks of flirting and admitting we liked each other, we ended up dating for three months. Our schedules were hectic, but we made it work. After 3 months of sneaking around work to get affection in (our schedules made it really hard to schedule time together outside of work), he broke it off. I was crushed, as I was about to tell him I loved him. There was a small period of awkwardness, but we became friends. A month later, we had a moment in my apartment where we ended up heavily making out. Asked him if he has feelings for me, he said “buried deep inside somewhere”. A week later, he claimed his feelings just stopped, and we ended up fighting and didn’t talk for a couple days. We got over it, and when I left the place we both work, I asked him if he wanted to give things another shot. He said he wasn’t sure how he felt. After 3 weeks, he said he wanted to be friends. Flash forward to now, he’s one of my best friends. He’s there whenever I need him, especially in a situation where I was in hospital and while he tried to get out of work to come to me, couldn’t but did end up picking me up and taking me home and making sure I got into my apartment okay. He’s offered to help me study for my test, and we’re hanging out at a bar crawlching in a couple weeks with some friends, and I’m wondering if now that the friendship is really starting to cement, if we maybe have a glimmer of hope of getting back together again. I’m trying to be patient and just be a caring friend and let him move st his own pace, but my friends say I’m hanging on to nothing, but I just have this gut feeling it isn’t nothing.

    • Your gut feeling could be right, but your friends, who presumably know him as well as you, seem convinced that’s it just wishful thinking. Have you asked them why they think this? You see, they might be trying to be tactful, and to let you down gently; so it’s possible they know more than they are letting on, which is why they are advising you to let go.

      Ask yourself a question: who is giving more in this relationship? It’s a mistake to give a man who is not yet committed to you significantly more than he is giving you, as this doesn’t increase his attraction. In fact, it often has the reverse effect. This man is indicating that he prefers you as a friend, so accept that, and consider yourself a single woman who is free to meet, flirt with and date other men. Don’t drop any plans you have made to see him either. Above all, don’t give him the idea that you’ll wait for him for as long as it suits him to have you around. That’s the surest way to find he’ll never make up his mind, let alone commit.

      He needs to feel uncertain, if he’s ever going to make a decision. But that decision may not be the one you want, and it’s possible that he’s already made it, which is what he’s become such a good friend. Have a look at this so that in future you can recognize some of the signs that a man isn’t really keen enough to commit. And look at this so you can start to recognize the signs that a man really does want you back.

      And finally try this for how to re-attract a man after a breakup.

  5. My ex and I dated on and off for about a year,and we were friends for about a year before we dated. The first time that it didn’t work out was because there was miscommunication and I was the one to break it off. I realized afterwards how much I missed him so I started texting him again, and this led us to texting daily. He would still flirt with me, and I would sometimes flirt back. Throughout this period of a few months of being just friends, we became really really close, and so we were scared of getting back into a relationship without it ruining our friendship. We ended up getting back together because we realized we loved each other too much to be without the other. Fast forward four months, and our relationship had been going great. We were closer than ever and I was so happy, content, and in love with him. All of a sudden he started being distant over text and would say no to plans. I had a feeling in my gut that something was off, so I kept asking him about it and he always said nothing was wrong. A few days later, he broke it off over text and I was devastated. We didn’t talk again for about a week, and when we talked he said he regretted breaking up with me and was an idiot for it. He said it was the biggest mistake he made and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. We talked about just calling our situation a break, since it hadn’t been too long since we split. A few hours later, he said he just wants to be friends because he is scared of hurting me again and that I deserve better. That was not what I wanted, but I agreed anyways because I thought it was pointless to argue if that’s what he really wanted. A few weeks later, we started texting again and hanging out. We sort of had a friends with benefits thing going on when we hung out, but it was something we were both comfortable with. We agreed to talk about our situation and figure something out. I told him I did want to work on us and eventually get back together, but that I wanted to take my time with him because I want to be sure it will work out. I also told him I didn’t want to rush into anything in case he started having doubts again. I told him that if it bothers him to keep hanging out without putting a label on anything, that I understand and that I don’t want to hold him back. He said he was fine with it. I told him I wasn’t remotely interested in anyone else and that I was just focused on him anyways and working on us. A few days later, he said he thinks it’d be best for us (me especially) if we just stayed friends and maintained our close friendship with no physical contact, but still talking/hanging out. He said he thinks that is best for me because he doesn’t want me to get hurt, and he doesn’t want us to invest our time into trying to make it work again just for it to end up ruining our friendship / not working out again. I asked him if he was really that scared of hurting me again, and he said he didn’t know but didn’t want to take the risk. He also said he doesn’t plan on being in another relationship anytime soon, and if sometime down the road things were able to work out between us, then we could have a conversation about it. We told each other we loved each other and in this way we were able to get closure. I am so happy to have him as a part of my life still and as a close friend, but the more I think about it, the more I miss our relationship. He truly is my best friend and I know I am his, too. Neither of us talk to much other people, and I know that right now he is not talking to any other girls. Part of me agrees with him about not wanting to get hurt and that this might be best for us. The other part of me wishes I would’ve told him that I am willing to take the risk because of how much I love him and want to be with him. It sounds silly, but I am truly at my happiest when I am with him. I realize that staying close friends with him might only hurt me worse, especially if/when he ever moves on from me. I just can’t let him go. Everyone is telling me that he is not worth my time, especially the way he broke up with me and treated me leading into the break-up. Being with him in our weird sort of friends with benefits who are still in love stage these past few weeks just made my feelings grow for him more. While being together, I realized that I wasn’t ready to jump back into things at the moment, but that I definitely didn’t want to let him go. It sounds selfish because in the moment, I agreed with him that being friends for now is best (even though I was willing to work on us and eventually get back together despite being hurt). Except now, I can’t help but think it’s the wrong decision. I don’t want to come across as needy and desperate by bringing it up again, and I definitely don’t want to push him away by doing so since we had a really nice talk about all of this. I could really use some advice, thanks!

    • When your first breakup happened, which you say was your doing and due to miscommunication, did you try to resolve the problem with him first? Or did you just shut up shop without warning?

      I ask this because the impression I get from what you have written is that your boyfriend may have trust issues with you – you’ve broken things off once and he’s afraid something will make you do it again. Now both of you seem to be in a sort of limbo, in which neither of you really know what you want. In this sort of situation, it might help you both gain some perspective if you take a break from seeing each other (go here to find out more about that).

      However you can’t be platonic friends as long as you want him as a boyfriend, and for that reason alone, I suggest you stop any friends with benefits connection. When you both have a better idea of what you really want, you can talk about it calmly and discover whether or not your relationship has a future.

  6. I’m not sure how to go about this situation, so any advice would be helpful.

    My ex broke things off with me a couple months ago. We lived together in a small apartment and were engaged after having been together for 3.5 years. During the course of about a 6 month period prior to our breakup, my ex really began to hate this apartment and want something more. He also wanted to get married and have a big wedding. I was content with our living arrangement and in no rush to get married with a big wedding, so we clashed a little bit on that.

    Eventually he decided he had to end things and move out. Tiny background on us: we are both men; I am 25 and he is 21. He did not seem like he wanted to end things when he ended them, but said he felt like he had to do it in order to achieve his “life goals.”

    So, he moved into a much bigger apartment with a much higher rent and got a female roommate who is unemployed and can’t help pay bills. He makes less money than I do, and can’t quite afford this new place on his own.

    We’ve stayed in touch daily since the split. I’ve stayed over at his place multiple times. We’ve slept together and exchanged “I love yous” pretty often, though not very often. He’s continued to talk to me about his plans for job advancement, which was always a big thing for him when we were together. So it feels like nothing has changed on that front. He’s also complained to me about his roommate, who, two months later, remains unemployed with few prospects. She’s received job offers and turned them down. Apparently she was an offer in the works right now, but it’s somewhat physical work that I’m skeptical she can perform due to her numerous medical issues. He’s quite annoyed by his situation with her and says he wants to live alone, but he can’t just kick her to the curb.

    We hang out pretty much every chance we get. For the past week or so, our lives have revolves around an abandoned cat that he found near his new place. He took the cat in for a week, but was unable to keep the cat because it’s too much of a strain financially. I took the cat in instead, and he’s sort of like our cat.

    Over the course of the past couple of months, we discussed our relationship any why it ended. Basicslly, from his point of view, I did not seem as committed or ambitious about building a future together as he felt he was. I was, of course, committed to a future, but I am content to take things slowly over a long period of time. He, on the other hand, is much more restless.

    He has said many times that it is possible for us to get back together, sometime in the distant future. More recently he said that he is not interested in the commitment of a relationship right now, and he is very happy that we are such close friends. Although our friendship is strange, because it is so close — many of our associates and friends don’t understand why we’re NOT together, because, apart from being physically separate most of the time, and not being as physically intimate as we were previously, not a whole lot has changed. In fact, many of our co-workers (we work together) didn’t even realize, for a LONG TIME, that we split. Some of them still probably don’t know.

    The thing is, I am content with the way things are between us — for now. I do get sad from time to time, especially if I think about what the future could’ve been if only we’d made a real effort to fix things before they broke. A couple weeks ago, he actually suggested to me that, if he’d been more on board with my way of operating (taking things more slowly), maybe it would’ve worked out. But now, he says, he likes the way things are. He doesn’t want to be with anyone romantically. And he thinks it’s unlikely that we will ever be together that way again, but he won’t dismiss the possibility completely.

    Strangely, we are good friends with another couple, and we are all planning to go to the beach next week, eat at the beachside restaurant, and watch the sunset over the water. To me, that sounds like a very coupley thing to do, and he’s on board with it.

    I’m not sure what to do. I am content with the way things are at this moment, but ultimately I want more. I really do want a future with him, and I still love him. I know he still loves me too, because he has said he does.

    How should I go about playing this? Is there any hope at all, or is it really over forever?

    • There are quite a lot of things in your post that strike me as odd.

      1. Your ex suddenly took against the apartment you shared, and in which I assume he had previously lived happily, and moved out into a bigger apartment – that he can’t actually afford.
      2. To help him afford it, he took in a female roommate – who is unemployed, and therefore no financial help at all, in fact an additional burden.
      3. He claims to be annoyed about the situation, despite it being entirely of his own making, but says “he can’t just kick her to the curb”.

      My question would be: What exactly is the actual nature of their relationship? Are you quite sure you know? Do you ever discuss her with him, other than to complain about her lack of any means of financial support? Because I think you should.

      He has effectively turned his back on a future with you, but he continues to dip in and out of what was once your relationship. Is this good enough for you? From what you write, I would say not. But you seem to be allowing him to control what happens between you. It’s time you took back some control yourself.

      The other thing to note is that you have been together for 3.5 years, and yet he is only 21. People change a lot between the ages of 17 and 21, and they continue to change as they advance through their twenties. Perhaps he has started to question whether or not he really is gay. Perhaps he has been doing so for some time. It would not be an unusual thing to happen, but maybe there are reasons why he feels unable to discuss it with you. Or perhaps he just wants some new experiences. Or perhaps he’s realized he’s too young to commit for life to one person yet.

      Think about this. There is something off-key here, and you need to get to the bottom of it.

      • He has been friends with her since high school. They’re like best friends, but the whole situation is straining their friendship. I don’t think it has anything to do with him questioning his sexuality.

        But yes. Something is weird about this, and yes, he does seem to set the terms of “dipping in and out.” How do I take a little more control of this?

        • You have the advantage of knowing these two people, which I don’t; but although in that way your view is better, it may be hampered my your emotional involvement. You may well be right about them, but for your own sake don’t close your mind completely to the idea that you could be wrong. Relationships are not static; they change, and maybe their relationship has changed. It may be unlikely, but it’s possible.

      • He has been friends with this girl since high school. They are very good friends, although this situation seems to be straining their relationship.

        I know my ex pretty well. I am 100% positive that this has nothing to do with him questioning his sexuality. But I do see your point when you say I’m letting him have all the control by allowing the “dipping in and out” thing.

        And I agree there is something peculiar here. A big reason he left is because he was tired of this apartment. We lived here for 2.5 years, but he did really really want more space. I’m not sure why he chose to do it this abruptly. He claims to really think things through and be sure of his decisions, but that’s not the case. He didn’t even know his roommate was unemployed until they signed the lease papers.

        I’m not sure how to go about getting to the bottom of this, though. And I’m not sure how to take a measure of control back either. Any advice on that?

        • There are really two courses of action you can take. One is very proactive: you can think carefully about the sort of relationship you really want, then tell your ex (without being accusatory, angry or bitter), saying that if that’s not what he wants too, then things between you are over. Of course you have to prepared to accept that he may indeed not want what you want.

          The second course of action is simply to stop waiting for him to make up his mind, stop putting him at the center of your life and make a plan for how you are going to change things. You don’t have to say anything to him, just stop being so available, and find other things to do with your time, and with other people. The thing is that you are both very young to be thinking about forever; your ex is only 21, barely on the brink of manhood. Perhaps if you withdraw at bit and give him more space, he might want to start seeing more of you again. But he might not. The impression you give of him is that of a very young man in the process of growing up. Like most people his age, he’s by turns excited and worried about the future, a bit muddled, still looking for his real identity and hoping to have some fun too. The best thing you can do is stop pinning you hopes and expectations exclusively on a future with him, and have some fun too. As he says, you may end up together. Just don’t expect it, or try to take it for granted.

  7. Hi

    I split with my boyfriend three weeks ago today (we were engaged). I am 60 and he is 59 and we have been together for two years. We’ve had a wonderful relationship and there was a spark the first time we met.

    However, for the last year his elderly parents (who are not together) have both been ill and there’s been lots of stress and hospital visits. Then his sister also became very ill. She did a lot for his parents so now it’s up to him to replace her too as well as run his own business and do his house up after tenants wrecked it. I felt that he was drifting away from me and asked if he was o.k. and he said that he was.

    I’ve always supported him in every way I can but we were down to only seeing each other on Saturday night and all day Sunday and it was really getting me down. He stopped telling me he loved me face to face but Valentine’s Cards and other cards said differently. The compliments stopped too, if I had my hair done nothing was said. I started to get very sad so the night that I dumped him I was at my limit. Although before I did the deed I did ask if he loved me and he said, yes of course, why what’s wrong. Since then he has changed his tune and has said that he doesn’t love me, that the spark has gone and he can only offer me friendship. The spark can be reignited I know that. Sounds to be like he is throwing his toys out the pram (he has done this before but he finished with me, a month later we got back together). again parent issues on his side.

    So friends we are at the moment. We have a dog that we both love and adore so we are co-parenting etc.

    I know that I can’t bare the thought of him not being in my life but I am going to date other men.

    Is there a chance he will come back one day? I realise it’s all very raw at the moment, we’ve had the odd chat via text but it’s breaking my heart knowing that he is no longer my partner. A good partner too, a real man who has everything I need in a partner except for the time being he can’t love me the way I want to be loved.

    • No, for the time being he can’t love you the way you want to be loved – he’s got too much else on his plate.

      First of all his parents. You say he is 59, so his parents must be well into their eighties, possibly in their nineties. They need his help, and now so does his sister who until now has assumed the lion’s share of the responsibility for their welfare. That’s something he simply can’t shirk – at least, that’s clearly how he feels, and as the good man you say he is, surely you should applaud and admire his determination to be a good son?

      Then there are the other responsibilities you mention. You say you’ve always supported him in every way you can, but right now you’re not supporting him, you’re adding to his burdens. The truth is that there are times in every relationship when the support your partner needs is that of understanding and tolerance. Right now you aren’t his top priority, not because he doesn’t love you (for heaven’s sake, he asked you to marry him!); but because just now he has to put other things first. His parents are old, and the time they have left is necessarily limited. You don’t say whether or not he has a good relationship with them, but no doubt he wants to know he did the best he could for them, instead of feeling guilty for the rest of his life about all the things he should have done but didn’t. Perhaps he loves them and therefore it is natural to him to want to help them. Perhaps he finds them difficult and demanding, but is still bent on doing his duty as a son.

      You say he is a good man and that you have a great relationship. How easy do you think it would be to find another man like this?

      Support him. Accept that for the time being he can’t be with you as much as you’d like, and find something else to do with your time – preferably something that doesn’t include dating other men, unless you want to lose him completely. I suspect his attitude towards you right now springs from his disappointment because of your selfishness and lack of understanding.

      • Hi Sarah

        When I first read your message I was shocked. I never really looked at it like this. So what I did was copy and paste your reply and change the relevant words so they sounded like I actually wrote it. Sometimes it needs a complete outsider to see it from a different angle instead of a friend. I’m not sure if he will change his mind about “us” but I’ve just received this reply.

        “Thanks Emily

        That’s a lovely message I really do appreciate that” xx

        So now I wait to see what happens but I will certainly get back to you.

        • I’m glad you found it helpful and I hope things work out for you. But bear in mind that the elderly parents will probably continue to be a burden; and there’s nothing he can do but bear it, for however long it takes. But your understanding will make all the difference to how he feels about you. Most probably he would love to spend more time with you, but he just can’t. So travel the long road with him, and be there loving and waiting at the end of it.

  8. I’m not quite sure how to play my situation, any advice welcome. We’re in our mid-30s and were together a year and a half, crazy in love, made plans for the future. He lost his job and got depressed and that’s when the problems started (according to me – he thinks the job loss has nothing to do with anything and we’re just not compatible). So we had a confusing breakup with a weird limbo period. I wanted to work it out and he didn’t. But he would send me occasional random emo messages. About a month after we last saw each other I decided to do 30 days no contact. He didn’t reach out, but seemed really happy to hear from me when I did. Then he told me he’d met someone (apparently during those 30 days) who’s vegan and now he is too – he can be his true self without having to live up to anyone’s expectations. *eyeroll* But he wants me in his life and cares about me as a friend. I did react in a fairly needy manner, told him I loved him and was letting him go and that we’d see about exchanging items in the future. Haven’t contacted him in two weeks. Should I just not contact him at all and let him inevitably reach out to me when his rebound implodes? He’s an immature idiot but I still live him, unfortunately. Thanks!

    • How did he lose his job? Was is his fault, or just bad luck?

      If it was his fault, then I’d question whether he’s really such a great catch as to justify your agonizing. You say you are in your 30s, does he (or did he) have anything resembling a career, or prospects?

      If it wasn’t his fault, then the effect on him is bound to be negative. Maybe he feels he’s let you down, or is not longer worthy of you. From what you say, that could be nearer the truth. You talk of expectations, and that the new woman apparently doesn’t have any, and therefore doesn’t make him feel bad. Well, she’s welcome to her lack of standards, and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about that fact that you actually have some.

      What is he doing about finding another job? Anything? I can’t see him coming back to you unless and until he has one.

      To be brutally honest, he sounds a bit of a loser, and as you yourself describe him as an immature idiot, you’re obviously well aware of his shortcomings. Why don’t you use them to give yourself a short, sharp course of falling out of love with him? There are, as they say, plenty more fish in the sea, and lots of them are far more worth your time – and your love – than he is.

  9. I’m struggling a lot. I was in a long term relationship of three years and we broke things off this summer when on my birthday he told me he was seeing someone else- he was very emotionally abusive. Then I met my recent ex in our friend group in August immediately after my last break up and we started dating each other but I was just so scared he would turn into my last ex and hurt me- I wasn’t healed from my last relationship but I didn’t want to let my recent ex go so I jumped into things and we argued a lot. We ended things months later and it wasn’t until he walked away that I realized I had a great guy and wasn’t as appreciative in the relationship. We share the same friends so it’s been hard seeing him around and I miss him and want the second chance. We’ve hooked up a lot after the breakup but I had the hopes of it turning into something more and well he didn’t. He has his hesitations and he is stubborn and doesn’t like making the same mistakes twice. He also says he doesn’t think we will work because we share the same friends and our friend group gossips a lot and knows everything about everyone and I tell him I’ll keep things private between us but thats not enough for him. The last time I stayed at his place (about two weeks ago) the next morning we were joking about Vegas and eloping and then an hour later he tells me that we should just be friends its better that way in the long run its whats best and that last night was the last time. It hurts because I have so much regret and was never given a second chance to prove him wrong and now I’m ready for commitment. And it is tough sharing the same friend group and seeing him around or hearing that the guys all went out and not getting invited or my mind racing on about him finding someone else. And it sucks because all these fun events are happening in our lives and I just wish he was something more then just a “friend” I just don’t know what to do to make him realize he’s making a mistake when he doesn’t think he is. I feel like he is just holding onto all the negativities and isn’t seeing all our happy times. Talking to him about it and how I feel doesn’t work because he knows what I want- I just don’t know how to make him want it too. And I’ve tried moving on and finding other people but no one compares to this guy- he is “that guy” you know the one who you will always have feelings for because of the type of person they are which makes this all so much harder.

    • Don’t keep telling him how you feel about him. And more than that, pull back a bit, and don’t chase after him when you are socializing in the same group. You say you hate being left out when he goes out with his friends; well, stop agonizing over it and go out with YOUR friends. Better still, organize some fun things with adrenaline, the kind of things guys enjoy, and invite your friends. Make it a casual group invitation, and don’t invite him specifically. Do this a few times, and see if he turns up with the other guys. If he does, keep it up and maybe he will change his mind about you.

      • Yeah maybe with time he’ll realize. But so here is where I just got myself in a sticky situation. So while I’m holding onto him but slightly giving up trying to move on I matched with a new guy on bumble. Turns out by doing some stalking this guy went to high school, college and was in the same fraternity with my ex. The guy followed me on insta and they have a bunch of pictures together. The guy and I have been talking for a couple of days and I really want to try dating again but could this back fire on me or do you think it will make my ex jealous?

        The intent was to move on and try dating again, ironically, my luck, the guy I swiped right of all chances had to have this much connections with my ex. And I want to move on to be happy but I’m also scared to move on because I do still have all these feelings for my ex.

  10. Me and my ex boyfriend split up three weeks ago because he had to move to another city to find himself. Our relationship was so great before then, we still love each other but we had to let each other go because LDR might be too hard for us and one of us could get hurt.

    We are still in contact and want to meet up when he gets back. We have intentions of sleeping with each other.

    I’m trying to see other guys to entertain myself but deep inside I still love him very much. I’ve been work on myself like career and working out.

    He’s coming back in 3 months. How do I get him back when he returns to the city?

    • Your post doesn’t make a lot of sense on any level. You say your boyfriend “had” to move to another city to “find himself”. You can be compelled to move or live somewhere for a job or a family or a legal situation, but you don’t “have” to go anywhere to “find yourself”. You do it, if you do it at all, from choice. And you wouldn’t normally go somewhere for a set amount of time to “find yourself”, because it’s such a nebulous concept and no-one could possibly put a time limit on it.

      Then you say you “had to” let each go because a LDR might be too hard, and you could get hurt. Well, that’s true, but anyone in a relationship they genuinely valued would think it was worth the risk. Are you sure that what you had wasn’t more of a friendship than a real relationship?

  11. My boyfriend ( now friend ) found out he was moving to another state back in December to pursue his music career. He left last month and are relationship ended at that. We decided to stay friends, which he asked for. We both still love each other and want a chance to be together in the future, but we also don’t know if there will ever be a potential for us to. He told me to let go of the situation so neither of us are hurt if/ when one of us decided to move on. Which I’m having a hard time coming by, since he said it was the wrong time. I don’t want anybody else, and of course I don’t expect him to wait for me or for him to wait on me but I’m still so confused about everything and scared he WILL end up moving on. We were together for 6 months and this doesn’t feel like the end, I still feel like there’s more to pursue with him. But I’m having a hard time with the whole friendship thing, I’m still so unsure of boundaries. He didn’t want to do a LD relationship just because he’s been in one before and it was hard, he told me it was time because I’m guessing he wanted to fully focus on his career and he wouldn’t have been able to give me the love I deserved. He told me we’d eventually see each other again, I just don’t know when and if we do I wouldn’t know if I should discuss the potential of us getting back together. He isn’t one to really confront things so I’d feel like I’d have to be the one to pursue, but he’s the one who left. So it shouldn’t be up to me.

    • Yes, he’s the one who left, he’s the one who has said he doesn’t want to try a LDR, and he’s the one who’s said he’s not sure it will ever be possible to get back together. So you are absolutely right in thinking that if he changes his mind, he’s the one who’ll have to do something to win you back. He’s prepared to take a chance that you might have moved on by then because right now there are other things in his life that are more important to him than you. That’s hard to hear, of course, but let it be the spur to you moving on, building a new life for yourself and making new friends.

      You say you don’t want anybody else. So don’t feel you have to look for someone. There’s nothing wrong with being single, just with being negative. Go out and live your life on your own terms. As far as being friends with your ex goes, the rules are no sex, no emotional support and no waiting for him. Use this change as a positive one, so that if you ever do get back together, you can have a better relationship than before.

      • I’m on 8 weeks of break up now that I really didn’t want and due to money we are both still living in the same house and sharing a bed. There’s still physical contact and kisses here and there and the very occasional I love you but he’s certain he doesn’t want a girlfriend anymore. I keep sitting around praying and waiting that he will change his mind eventually but it looks like I have to move out for us to be able to build that friendship again before trying anything more. But the part that kills me is thinking about if he was to have a one night stand or any connection with someone else. Would that mean the chance of reconciliation would be gone? I can’t imagine him sharing that bond we have for over 4 years and I don’t know how I’ll get through that one…. anyone else been in this position or know how to stop letting that hurt me so much?

        • Make every effort to move out ASAP. You shouldn’t be sharing a house if you can avoid it, let alone a bed. Never mind what he might get up to; men can have sex without any emotional connection at all, so don’t waste your time worrying about that.

          Put some distance between you. Use it to learn to live without him, and build a life for yourself. He will either discover that he needs to get you back, or he won’t. Either way, you will both find out where you stand.

  12. My boyfriend and I were in a relationship for a year before he found out he needs to leave the country and be in another country to take care of his parents as they are very sick. He had to leave everything and go, including his life here, career and me. I wanted to try a long distance relationship but he said he already has so many other things to take care of that he can’t deal with a relationship at this stage. He keeps coming back for work and when he is here he spends most of his time with me, but he just wants to be friends and doesn’t want to lose me in his life as I’m the closest person he has in his life. He is ok with me seeing other people and I know he is trying to see other people too, but why would he do so if he didn’t want a relationship. He sti helps me out with everything and is always there when I need him but he says he can’t commit coz he doesn’t know where he will finally live and his whole life has turned upside down.
    I really love him and don’t want to lose him and I understand it’s a big shift in his life but I don’t understand why he is seeing other people in the other country when he doesn’t want a relationship.
    Please help. Should I be friends with him, he stays he still loves me but can’t commit to the pressure of a relationship.

    • His parents are now his priority. He has set you free to see other people, so he is not trying to have his cake and eat it. On the contrary, he is clearly trying to do his best in a difficult situation, which you cannot change.

      The most loving thing you can do is understand his predicament and accept that your relationship is over, at least for now. You are now a single woman, and it’s time you started living like one. It would probably be best not to see him for a while, until you are capable of keeping things between you within the bounds of friendship. There is no way you – or he – can know how long this will continue, or how it will eventually pan out. So don’t wait. Be a good friend to your ex, but get on with your life.

  13. So basically, I dated my ex for about 11 months or so, and a year and a half if you include our past relationships its been about a year and a half. Both times I had broken up with him because of lying, But the last time he had truly changed for me, he had let me in to all of the aspects of his life that he had kept from me before, he told his mother about me, we talked every single day with all the free time we had. We had been so comfortable and trusting of each other that we had shared our passwords and everything. For this past about month or so we had both become so sad and childish, I would respond to his sadness, anger, or apathy with immediate sadness or anxiety. I would always try and make him baby me because I desired that loving and caring feeling. He had been already so stressed from school and I had only been stressing him out more. Now I realize my mistakes, I had loved him so unconditionally that I wouldn’t focus on myself, and my flaws would grow stronger. I had loved him the most out of any of my exes because he had promoted positive change and reinforced me to do better rather than accept the flaws I didn’t like about myself, but I had such a hard time doing this “change” because I was so depressed. Now that we’re broken up I have been so motivated to change and win him back, I changed all of my negative aspects while growing my positive ones, just improving myself. I looked up so many things on how to get my ex back and all of them told me to stop talking altogether for like a month, but I genuinely can’t bring myself to do that because I never had any other friends or family that know me like he does, and I need to prove to him that I’m trying to change for him. I’m just so terrified I’m driving him away because I can’t leave him alone, I’m very ashamed to say it but I’m so desperate to get him back. We talk about stuff we like and our days and such, but I can’t show affection without making him uncomfortable. What do I do?

    • You chase, he backs away. The lesson from that is to stop chasing. He can’t move forward if there’s no space for him to step into.

      No man wants to “baby” a woman indefinitely. You say you like the feeling of caring it gives you; this suggests that you should perhaps learn to love yourself better, then you wouldn’t need someone else to do it for you. A good relationship needs two mature people who are able to give to each other, as well as receive. It also needs two people who are capable of standing alone, otherwise it leads to co-dependency.

      However you say you are learning to change, which is good. But then you make it clear that you are doing it for your boyfriend, not for yourself. You should only try to change because YOU want to improve something about yourself or in your life that you are not happy with. Changing yourself in order to get an ex back doesn’t work, as you are doing it just to get something from him. If YOU don’t really want to change, which presumably you don’t since you only tried it after the breakup, then you won’t have the right motivation. People who change to get an ex back usually relapse into their old ways if and when they succeed.

      You say it’s too hard to stop seeing your ex. Well, changing is hard too. REAL change, that is, change that you intend should become permanent. Lots of things in life are hard to do, but if they are the right things, then they are worth it. No contact sounds like the right course of action now. Use the time to make a better life for yourself. That’s the way to learn to love yourself more.

  14. My ex and I broke up about a month ago. We dated for about a year and a half. He was my first love, my first kiss, & boyfriend in 6th grade. We’ve known eachother since we are 9. We are 19 now. I love him so much and through the past year we’ve had ups and downs with the adjustment of me going away to school but him staying home for school. We’re not far only about 3 hours by car but we only saw each other about once a month. He came for valentines day but the day before said he lost feelings for me because we didn’t see each other as often as he wanted. I also had plans to transfer back home in the upcoming semesters but I did not have an exact date. Lots of other things came up during our break up but I still cannot get myself to accept thats its really over. We tried being friends but I could not do that because I still loved him so much and wanted more than that . We had talks of moving in together during the summer and at one point even getting married. Now my spring break is coming up and we typically go through cycle of break up for a few day then get back together but it’s been a month we have not been together and I have not spoken to him in about 3 weeks. I’m about to go home and I really want to meet with him and talk things out because we ended on a bad note and I want to ask to start over but I don’t want to seem pushy or like we are just starting the cycle over again. I truly want to start over. How do I say that and make him believe that I want to start over and forget the past and things will truly be different this time. I truly believe hes my soul mate and the person I’m meant to be with. It could be a case of him just being my first love but my heart wont let me let him go. I’ve tried but my heart won’t let go. How do I start my relationship with him over?

    • He’s your first love, and he’ll always have a unique place in your heart, a memory you’ll treasure. But you are still very young, and to date he has been your only love. That’s a very small perspective from which to be choosing your life partner. There is a whole world out there full of people to meet and new experiences to enjoy. You should go out and find them; widen your knowledge of life, of other people, and most of all, of yourself.

      Your ex said he lost feelings for you when you stopped seeing each other so often. That’s a sign that his feelings weren’t really deep and lasting enough for a lifetime’s commitment. And as his age, that’s fine. He to has a lot of growing and learning to do too.

      That you are finding in hard to let go is not just understandable, it’s normal. But it’s not a sign that you are not meant to let him go, that he is therefore The One.

      Try to accept that, at your stage in life, things between you are bound to change. Keep in touch if that’s what you both want, but give each other the freedom to go your own ways. And USE that freedom to build a good life for yourself. Your ex will certainly do so, and you must too.

  15. Me and my ex was together for almost 7 years. We had lived together also for 4 years. During the last years of our relationship we had been fighting a lot and the relationship became toxic hence he broke up with me on November. Last January we met a couple of times and sorta got back together it was great, felt like a new relationship. But he suddenly ghost out and when i talked to him again. He wanted to just “be friends”. I just agreed and didnt asked why because im scared he disappears again.

    Right now, we talk everyday through texts and sometimes phone calls. We are “okay”. We keep it casual. We have fun talking to each other. But whenever i try to ask him out to meet. He doesnt want to. We havent met for 2 months now. But we talk every single day. I dont get it. I said im okay with benng friends for now. He keeps saying he’s not ready yet. Im scared that being “ready” means totally moving on from me.
    Is this even good? What should i do?
    We arent seeing anyone and he said that he wouldnt be seeing anyone either and that he does not want to be in a relationship yet. He tells me all his plans, as if he has everything planned out. And it doesnt include me.. do i even have a chance with this?

    In addition to that. When we talk i cant say things like i miss him. Or anything about us or any thing that includes feelings and emotions. Cos i know it scares him away. But i do want to tell him i miss him sometimes.
    I also feel that he is getting better, i feel that he is slowly forgiving me and himself for what happened to us. And that he talks to me more often now. Than before. And i think he slowly sees that im okay with us being frends. I also told him that for now okay, do his plans.. lets just not close our doors to the possibility of fixing us. But for now im ok with being frends. Im actually hoping that if we start to hang out, it will help him heal. And will make him want to get back. But he doesnt want to meet up with. I dont how to make him want to meet up with me. I ask him every week. Like i ask him to go watch a movie. Or go for a coffee. But he always says no. 🙁 im afraid that i wont see him for months..
    Also. When we speak thru text. Should i even open up sometimes? Like tell him i miss him. Or wud that lessen my chances of meeting up with him? I really want to see him and show tht i can really be a friend. And that it is safe to hang out with me.

    • I’m sure that if you start to hang out as friends, it will help your ex to heal. And when he’s healed, he’ll move on to someone else.

      Read the article again, carefully. If you do that, you should see that you are making every mistake described in it, mistakes that will put you in the friend zone – permanently. And then read this article, which gives you a different perspective on the subject.

      If you want him back, stop thinking about being friends. And read this for some news ideas about how to get your ex back.

  16. Me and my ex was together for almost 7 years. We had lived together also for 4 years. During the last years of our relationship we had been fighting a lot and the relationship became toxic hence he broke up with me on November. Last January we met a couple of times and sorta got back together it was great, felt like a new relationship. But he suddenly ghost out and when i talked to him again. He wanted to just “be friends”. I just agreed and didnt asked why because im scared he disappears again.

    Right now, we talk everyday through texts and sometimes phone calls. We are “okay”. We keep it casual. We have fun talking to each other. But whenever i try to ask him out to meet. He doesnt want to. We havent met for 2 months now. But we talk every single day. I dont get it. I said im okay with benng friends for now. He keeps saying he’s not ready yet. Im scared that being “ready” means totally moving on from me.
    Is this even good? What should i do?
    We arent seeing anyone and he said that he wouldnt be seeing anyone either and that he does not want to be in a relationship yet. He tells me all his plans, as if he has everything planned out. And it doesnt include me.. do i even have a chance with this?

    • In addition to that. When we talk i cant say things like i miss him. Or anything about us or any thing that includes feelings and emotions. Cos i know it scares him away. But i do want to tell him i miss him sometimes.
      I also feel that he is getting better, i feel that he is slowly forgiving me and himself for what happened to us. And that he talks to me more often now. Than before. And i think he slowly sees that im okay with us being frends. I also told him that for now okay, do his plans.. lets just not close our doors to the possibility of fixing us. But for now im ok with being frends. Im actually hoping that if we start to hang out, it will help him heal. And will make him want to get back. But he doesnt want to meet up with. I dont how to make him want to meet up with me. I ask him every week. Like i ask him to go watch a movie. Or go for a coffee. But he always says no. 🙁 im afraid that i wont see him for months..
      Also. When we speak thru text. Should i even open up sometimes? Like tell him i miss him. Or wud that lessen my chances of meeting up with him.

      • Is it your choice to keep things casual? No, it’s his, isn’t it? And if his future plans don’t include you, why are you still pursuing him?

        Who initiates these conversations? I hope it’s him, and not you. But why are you still giving him support, when you’re no longer his girlfriend? Get some boundaries, and get him to respect them. Right now he’s getting your support, but giving nothing back. That’s not good enough.

        Don’t tell him you miss him. Stop responding to him every time he calls, go out and do other things, preferably interesting and exciting things. Then when you do reply, drop a few tidbits into the conversation, making it clear that you have a life of your own, and he is no longer a priority in it.

  17. My ex and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We were together for a year and a half. He said I was still the most important person in his life but he lost feelings. We talked a lot since our break up and 3 weeks ago he said that he didn’t lose feelings and that he only said that so I can move on. We since then decided to be friends and I saw him the past 3 weeks atleast once a week. He messaged me today and we had a brief conversation because I am ignoring his last message. Am I wrong for doing this?? I really really want him back and since I never did NC I want to do will ignoring him for a few days be a good or bad thing?

    • You don’t have to ignore him. Just stop chasing him. Every time you try to redefine your relationship, he feels it as pursuit. Retreat a little. Stop trying to compartmentalize your relationship into “just friends” or “boyfriend/girlfriend”; and give it a bit of mystery instead. Flirt. If he asks whether you’re friends, say you’re not sure. You’ll have to think about it. Smile. Lighten up. Have fun.

  18. my ex boyfriend and i are both 19 and we dated for 6 months. We were in love and whatever else well its been a week since we broke up due to fighting a lot as well as he felt like up to a certain extent he was babying me . So now we decided to be friends and now we are cook with each other. Yesterday was the first time hanging out since the breakup but we both had questions to ask. So once all of the questions that we had were answered we had fun. One big thing about my life is about three months ago i have lost who i am as well as he has started to loose who he is. We decided it would be best to break up but still remain friends. He still checks up on me we have a good conversation and I’m happy. I know as a fact he is not going around and hooking up with girls because he only does relationships as well as his family would kill him. and he has mono. We both still love each other and he even said so last night but i want to be back together with him. One thing that when we broke up it we are not going to go back out till he finds himself as well as it would probably be between 2-3 months till possibly get back together. I could ask him if we will get back together again till my face is blue but his response is idk what the future is and i have no idea but he even showed me his phone he kept all of our photos and everything and he is not talking to anyone else. How do i get him back???Help!!!

    • Stop pushing him so hard. There is a balance in relationships, and when one person starts pushing forward, it upsets that balance, and so the other person retreats. That is what is happening here. Create some space between you; space that he will have to cross in order to be with you again.

      In a good relationship, the balance is roughly even, so that both parties are making an equal effort. But right now, in yours, you are making all the advances, and consequently your ex is retreating. It will take time to change it, but the first thing for you to do is pull back.

  19. It’s been 4 months since the guy I dated for 2 yrs stopped dating. We’ve talked a lot over the last 3 weeks, and I know he’s still “working on himself”, so I’m torn about being friends with boundaries, or telling him to keep his distance until he’s ready.

    • Keep the conversion going as long as he initiates it, and keep the boundaries there too. That means not being a shoulder to cry on as well as not being friends with benefits. If he’s expecting emotional support, remind him that you’re not his girlfriend any more; and that you’re giving him space to sort out his issues. Tell him you’ll be happy to talk more when he’s ready.

  20. My ex and I dated for 4 months only. I know this is a very short oeriod of time but we felt a lot in these few days. We were doubg long distance and I am crazily in lice with him. He thinks ge can’t make me happy and after breaking up he told me there’s no spark in our relationship. Now we are friends and talk frequently. And it seems that he forgot we ever dated whereas it’s been only a month we broke up. He has too much to do so I console myself saying he is busy with his shit and doesn’t have the time to think about it. I really want him back. What can I do to get him back? We were very serious and also talked about getting married.

    • I think you should come back down to earth. You say you had a short LDR, and then you talk about getting married. How did you meet? How much time have you actually spent together? At the beginning of a relationship, the woman is the one who controls how fast things move, or at least, she should be. And she should keep things moving a bit slower than the man would like. And she should take her time in deciding whether this man is really worth getting to know better. In other words, don’t jump in with both feet and allow yourself to be convinced you are madly in love with someone who lives thousands of miles away, and who you barely know.

  21. Basically me and my boyfriend were together for a year and a half, he left me with no reason to why he wanted to break up. The next day I found out he was doing cocaine with his friends. He turned horrible and would argue with me for no reason, i did the no contact for a while before he text me and told me he would give me a chance when his head is sorted. We stopped talking for a while and now we have been talking none stop for 3 weeks and have met up loads of times, I messaged him to see where I stand with him and he said he wants to be friends for now. I love him so much and would do anything to get him back but I’ve also found out he’s still on drugs.

    • HE will give YOU a chance when his head is sorted? Who does he think he is? The Emperor of Paradise?

      This man is BAD news. Cocaine isn’t a harmless indulgence, it’s a highly addictive and dangerous hard drug that ruins lives. You may have already searched the internet for information, but the most reliable is given by the people and organizations who deal with the results. These are not pretty.

      And as you say your ex “turned horrible” when he started taking it. I’m afraid he could turn much more horrible the longer he keeps taking it, and his intake will increase as he needs more of the drug to get the same effect. The brutal truth is that cocaine is more important to him than you are. Do you really want to waste any more of your time on such a man? You say you love him so much, but do you love HIM, the man he really is, or do you love the man you thought he was? I suspect it is the latter.

      Have courage and strength and move on. If he wants you, if he wants ANY woman worth having, he will have to get himself off the drugs. And only he can do that. Don’t waste any more of your life dreaming of a future with him, a future which would be more of a nightmare than a dream. You are worth better. So go out, find it and live it.

  22. My ex boyfriend broke up with me last July and now he’s in another country for 5months. He broke up with me because he felt that we were incompatible. We are still friends and we literally text each other every single day even though he’s in another country. Before he left, we went out together many times and we both agreed that things were getting better.
    I’ve been asking him whether we can get back together but he always tells me that he’s not sure and he needs more time to think about it. He was supposed to give me an answer a few months ago, then he told me he would tell me before he flew off then he said he would tell me once he touched down. Until now, he has yet to give me an answer and whenever I ask him about it, he would say he would tell me soon. He did tell me that he wants to be 100% sure and commited before he gets back together.
    Thing is, I can feel that he still has feelings for me. He would initiate texts, he would send me snapchats of his travels etc. But I don’t know what’s stopping him from wanting to try again.

    • Stop waiting for this man and get on with your life. Maybe you will be together again, maybe not. But no woman should wait for a man who is persistently dithering over commitment. If he changes his mind, he knows where to find you. But until he does, you are not in a relationship, and you should live your life with that in mind.

  23. My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago and we stayed friends and still talk every day. The reason behind the breakup is that he doesn’t think we’re compatible. I’m still so in love with him and I feel like everytime I ask to get back together it pushes him away. How can I stay friends with him while also getting back with him in the future?

  24. Hey, my ex and I just broke up. He says that he wants to find himself and how he can be the best boyfriend for me. He says that he still cares a lot about me and wants to be friends and see me as much as he can. Everything I read about how to get an ex back is to give them space. But he doesn’t want space because he “wants to be friends and don’t want anybody else.” His words. What must I do? I really want him back

    • Well, if he “just wants to be friends”, then that doesn’t include sex, or a shoulder to cry on. Is this OK with him?

      If you remain friends with him, then you haven’t got a real relationship, and you may not have one with this man again in the future; but you’re not moving on and making yourself ready for a new relationship with someone else either. Is this OK with you?

      First you have to understand what you really want, and so does he. Then you have to agree what kind of relationship yours is going to be, now that you have broken up. You can try to be “friends”. Or you can set him free to “find himself”, and tell him to call you in the future, when he’s ready. But you can’t guarantee that you’ll still want to see him, because you’re not going to put your life on hold, waiting for him.

      Just don’t settle for something you really don’t want. He has chosen, and now you must. too.

  25. My ex and I broke up three years ago. Lately, because we have mutual friends, I have made an effort to make things friendly. It seemed to be working. I text and get friendly, and quick, responses, but he never initiates text. It actually seems to be driving him crazy that his friends really like me so much and want to be my friend. I see him out, he says hi (or high fives me which is a thing he used to do). Even NYE I was really super well put together and was having a great time and though I never said hi to him, he came over and pulled me on the dance floor at one point during the night. I know this directly reflects how much he used to love how carefree and fun and laughing I could be.

    But then the other night we were both out and he basically ignored me. I can’t tell if it was him ignoring me or he reading that I wasn’t really paying attention to him, but it felt like a reversal. I know he already assumes everything I do is to get him back, ego like that. Should I take the recent interaction, or lack thereof, as a bad sign? How do I move from me initiating to him chasing in a smooth way that doesn’t go all the way to confirming his thoughts that I want him back?

    • As long as he thinks you want him back, he’s got you exactly where he doesn’t need to do anything more to keep you there. And you say it’s been 3 YEARS!! It’s high time you moved on. Firstly because it’s the only way to shake him out of his complacency, and secondly because you need to accept it’s over, for your own sake. Until you do, nothing is going to change.

  26. Me and boyfriend broke up a month ago, we only dated for 5 months which I know seems short but we spent a lot of time together and the relationship was kind of rushed since we started dating a week after we met. Basically, he broke up with me because he realized after 5 months of being together that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He told me theres nothing wrong with me, I’m an amazing girlfriend, he cares about me a lot and if I needed him he would be there for me. We work together which is how we met and also makes it difficult to get over him, we say hi to each other at work but we never talk outside of work and I want to be friends with him I just don’t know how to go about it so I recently spoke to him in person about it and he said he wouldn’t mind being friends. I miss him and I want him back but is being friends the right way to get him back? I don’t want him to feel annoyed by me. I genuinely miss just talking and hanging out we had a great relationship and I think we could be great friends but I don’t want to be just friends either…

    • It sounds as if he started off keen but the spark went out of it for him. There are several reasons that can happen. The first is that you stopped being the woman he knew, and became someone else; someone too dependent or demanding or needy. This often happens to women when they meet someone new, fall in love very quickly, and make him the center of their world. It’s a mistake to give more than you are getting out of a relationship, or to try to make things move too fast. Try this article to find out more about this.

      Another reason is that a man is simply not at a stage in his life where he is ready to commit. This article will tell you more about this. In both these cases you have a chance of getting him back. But the other reason is that he realized you simply aren’t the right woman for him; in which case you should perhaps think about looking for another job.

  27. So my boyfriend (or I guess my ex) and I dated for 3 years and we’re best friends before that and I broke up with him 8 months ago because I didn’t feel like he really cared about me or really put much effort in sometimes. Honestly when in our relationship we didn’t have too many fights and could discuss things rationally and it was pretty steady, but as time went on I felt like he took me for granted and when he came home (he’s in the military) he didn’t make too much of an effort to really be with me as much as he could which really hurt, so I felt like I needed to break up with him because he didn’t care and I couldn’t stand to be treated that way by someone I loved, but since I loved him I didn’t know how else to break up with him but like rip the bandaid off which really hurt him and me. We’ve talked about getting back together for just about the past 8 months and we’re long distance because of the military so it makes it even tougher to have these conversations on the phone and stuff, but he came home and said he just couldn’t do a relationship right now and just wants to be friends. I asked if it’s because he’s afraid I will break up with him again and he said that’s part of it because it hurt so bad the first time (does that mean I ruined any chance we had because of the way we broke up?) We went to hang out a couple times since he’s on leave right now, and he paid for my meals and picked me up in his car and it felt like a date, and he has been flirting with me for the past 8 months. Unfortunately I did fall into the “begging or pleading” category a couple times because the way he was treating me really didn’t seem like he was being honest with himself and I just wanted to see if finally being together or talking about it in person would change anything. But he says he still really cares about me and wants to be there for me while I’m in school and wants to talk to me about his day and life and stuff. We talk like almost every night on either the phone, texting, or FaceTime, and honestly he’s still my best friend and the person I trust and love most in the world. He wants to continue to be friends and I don’t wanna lose him, but I also want more. I don’t know what I’d do if he found someone else though and I had to just deal with it. He said things might change in the future for him but for now he’s just not wanting a relationship, but he still wants to be close. I’m wondering how to even do the no contact rule if 1. I still wanna be friends and don’t wanna lose momentum, 2. If he assumes we’re just going to be friends and gets hurt that I’m not talking to him (would I need to tell him that I just can’t talk for a bit?), 3. If I am okay to talk to him how do I keep from being like bummed and noticeably hurt because he doesn’t want to be with me- Because I can deal with a lot of emotions but this is probably the worst I’ve ever felt in my life idk. When I picture my life in the future, he’s still the one for me, and I really just can’t throw in the towel. I’m just like needing advice because the whole military long distance thing I feel like just throws everything off. I guess I’m just worried that we’ll never get a chance to try again if we don’t hardly see each other face to face -but he might be home for Christmas in a month- just as a side note, and I need all the help I can get.

    • You say you “needed to break up with him because he didn’t care and I couldn’t stand to be treated that way by someone I loved”; but did you ever try to talk to him about how he made you feel first?

      When you have problems in a relationship (and there are ALWAYS going to be problems); you need to be able to talk about them calmly, and without accusing your partner of being the sole cause. Instead of accusing him of doing something deliberately to hurt you, or using the words “you always” or “you never”; try telling him how whatever he did made you feel. Don’t accuse of being a bad person, which he probably isn’t. Just make him understand that what he did was painful to you, although you’re sure he didn’t mean to hurt you. Give him a chance to put things right, before you do anything as drastic as telling him “it’s over”. If you don’t, he’s quite entitled to lose faith in you; because you’ve shown HIM a complete lack of trust.

      Always give people the chance to put things right. If you don’t, it just like condemning them without a trial. And we live in a society where everyone is innocent, until they are PROVED guilty. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He deserves no less.

      • We had already talked about that I didn’t appriciate him not putting much effort into our relationship, and it made me feel like I didn’t matter to him, but it didn’t get much better after that. He would be sweeter and try for a little bit but it would keep happening to where I wasn’t a priority in his life even though he was one in mine. We had already discussed it several times, and he felt bad every time but it never changed

  28. I just recently was broken up with by my gf because she said she’s “lost that same feeling” we tried again a day later to see if something could change but then she kept telling me she was trying and trying but it’s hard for her to get the same feeling for me again so I told her we should break up and since then she’s wanted to remain friends as do I because it’s one of the hardest things to just shut her out. But I didn’t break up with her because I wanted to. It was only because her weird behavior and it seemed she was leading on to breaking up with me again so I decided to end it. My heart is still broken and I can’t go a day without her popping in my mind every second. Keep in mind we dated for over a year before any of this. We were so in love and nothing was wrong with us until the one day she told me she just lost that “same feeling” so we’ve been chit chatting for the past three days but nothing to much. She claims that she can’t talk to anyone else and she misses talking to me but at the same time she likes to post things sometimes asking if someone can hang out or get coffee. I’m not sure if this is her way of feeling lonely and knowing I’ll see the posts or if this is her trying to make more friends because she doesn’t have many. I’m her real best friend and I know her best so she will talk to me when she needs me. And I don’t want to let her go. I want her back but there’s a side to her that I feel like she still has lost feelings for a dating relationship. And when we dated we were so sure of getting married and having kids and making our lives together. We were a power couple. So it was shocking she said she’s lost those feelings. I want her back but I’m not sure when or how to get her back. It’s been almost a week of this chaos of being “friends” and to be honest it sucks. I miss the old intimacy and I don’t know what she wants. She always claims she can’t give me a reason for why she doesn’t feel the same because she supposedly doesn’t know why. I want her back and I don’t want to be friend zoned and I know she still misses me when I don’t text her for a long while. But I just don’t want to look dumb asking her back. Anything I can get help with?

    • It sounds as if you’ve got yourself into a rut in which your ex is no longer seeing you as a man she completely respects. The clue is where you say she has “lost feelings for a dating relationship”. This usually happens when you no longer show up as completely masculine in the relationship; and the reason this happens is because you have become too dependent on her approval. It’s all to do the vibes you are projecting, and right now it sounds as if you are not projecting very strong masculine vibes, which means the sexual energy and tension between you is being lost. That’s most probably why she no longer wants to date you.

      To try to explain what I mean, think of the difference between James Bond and a typical character portrayed by Woody Allen. Of course these are extremes, but if you can appreciate the difference between them (one is masculine, confident and competent, the other is wimpy, hesitant and often apologetic); then you should begin to see what I mean. Sexual tension is the result of sexual polarity, the attraction between masculine and feminine. One guy who is very good at explaining this is Scot McKay; google him and try listening to a few of his podcasts.

  29. My ex and I have been dating on and off for 4 years. We dated formally for around almost 2 years and we broke up because he freaked out of being locked down on our relationship forever and not having any of the typical experiences of any single guy in his 20s. Just a little bit after that he started contacting me again Feeling nostalgic and it lead to us being friends with benefits for a year. Even though he always said that he loved me but that he couldn’t give me the relationship I wanted, I still held down to hope I guess that because deep down I kind of believed him when he said he loved me even though the situation wasn’t ideal showing that. After realizing that I was wasting my time I decided to cut it for real and I was doing fine moving on when he contacts me again around a month and a have later trying to give it a real second try to our relationship. After a little while I aceptes and everything seems good at first even though in my mind I tended to overthinking because of past experiences while being FWB but he was being good. Then one day this girl that friend zoned him when he was in high school starts to email him again. She only emails him when she’s feeling down about herself because she knows he will always respond and make her feel better. So now as his gf I confront him and I tell him what I think about this girl and that I thought she was being disrespectful to me and I wasn’t going to take that so he needed to set the boundaries or cut her off. He argues with me that she has been a part of his life since they were basically kids and he just didn’t wanna cut that because in some way they were friends, but I gave him a big speech about me leaving him otherwise and not very convinced he acceded. But I couldn’t believe him because I know him well. So I went and check his email and noticed that he had text this girl saying that I was jealous and that they had to start writing in secret so there wouldn’t be trouble. I obviously snapped out of it and we had a huge fight and threw all my hate at him and the next day of course he assumed that we were broken up until I finally asked him if he really wanted to break up. I wanted to give one thing a last chance out of fear to lose him and I think I just ended up looking weak because he even had to say to me that we were creating a toxic circle and that he wouldn’t have forgiven me if he was in my place and that he saw I was growing to hate him and he just didn’t want me to hate him any more than I already did to his eyes. So of course, we decided to break up. The thing is that independently of how he was a bf he is one of the most important people in my life and the best friend I have ever had and I had/have this feeling that he’s the person that belongs with me no matter what and I’ve known he thinks this too because I had never said so until he said so one day and has continue to think so. I know that he doesn’t have real feelings for this girl but I feel like he just gets stuck in the past and lives of illusions because he can’t handle reality. He told me he wanted to be a better person for me and that deep down in his heart he believed we would end gl together and I know for sure that he believes this. The thing is that I don’t know if he really loves me that much or if he just wants to love me because this is the story he wants. We broke up just a couple of days ago, but I had a huge personal crisis today and I needed a place to crash. Even though I didn’t ask him he said that I could stay at his house whenever I couldn’t stay at this other places which is about 2 to 3 days in the week. I feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable whenever I’m in his house and I’m not as his girlfriend so I don’t know how to behave in a way that he would want me back but also thinks of me as someone who’s not a sure thing. It is needles to say that I want him back although I am sure that I don’t want it to be now because I won’t want what will come back. But is there any way to keep him in love with me and making him want to change for real? Sorry about the length, I just felt like it needed detailed explanation because the situation is so complex to me

    • This sounds like a situation that is calling for a bit of no contact. This man is playing you around and he knows it, you know it and and he knows you know it. After all, he has told you himself that you shouldn’t have forgiven him. You set a standard, and then you failed to live up to it. That was a mistake.

      Maybe he genuinely doesn’t know what his feelings are, either towards you or towards this other girl his is seeing. But only he can decide, and he won’t as long he doesn’t have to. So stop seeing him. If he really does love you, then your absence will bring it home to him. But if he finds he doesn’t miss you, then I’m afraid you’ll have to accept it. You can’t force love. I understand that right now you’re convinced he’s the one, but that’s because you are too afraid of losing him to see things clearly. You need to try to conquer that fear, hard as it is; because that is actually the biggest barrier to your being happy together.

  30. Me and my Ex broke up a week ago, we didn’t speak until he txt me outta the blue saying sorry how things turned out and am better of without him. We were texting for a while, it was a fun flirty way. It reminded me of how we used to be..but didn’t tell him that, but he said he had enjoyed talking to me. I want to leave it for a bit because I want him to miss me. Is this the right way to go?
    Thanks.

    • You don’t say whether or not the breakup was a mutual thing. Nor is it clear whether you genuinely want your boyfriend back. If you do, then I don’t think completely ignoring him is the way to go. Keep up with the texts, but not every day. And it is probably best no to see each other again yet.

      • I really do want us to get back together…it was mutual as we felt the relationship was starting to fall apart. We started getting bored, done by the sane things and sane routine. We have agreed to not speak for a week to give us both a bit of space, and then meet us for tea. However, with his social media posts I think he might of started seeing someone else, or I don’t know if am reading to much into things. I have realised how much I miss him and hope he feels the same xx

  31. My newly ex (again) and I have been dating on and off for 4 years. I know; a lot of people ask “If you keep breaking up then why do you want to get back together?” The truth is, when we first started dating we were extremely young, I was a freshman in high school and he was a sophomore, and we struggled. Neither one of us had a good example of what a healthy, successful relationship looked like but we both wanted it. Now I am a freshman in college and he’s a sophomore. Every time we’ve broken up we’ve given each other space, told each other it’d be best to move on (although I never really wanted to and I doubt he did) and try to be happy with someone else. I can’t speak for him, but I have given some guys a chance between our breakups and so far no one has compared to him. The thing is, I know we’re young, people seem to think that because we’re young we shouldn’t care about where we end up in relation to each other, “there are lots of fish in the sea.” The reason we break up every time is because there’s something that we need to work on, individually. We’ve realized that in the past we probably have been to immature to know what a good relationship is and to understand that it takes effort. We also don’t seem to know everything we want in a relationship, and we always realize more after we’re already going through the process of breaking up. As I stated before, we never had good examples to look up to. Honestly, it feels like our relationships are always trial and error, and when it doesn’t work out, he says he wants me to try to find someone else to be happy with. I don’t want to lose him though. Before we got back together this last time, we decided it’s best to just try to be friends. It was amazing. I still had feelings for him deep down, I think, but I really thought we were just friends, and one day he told me he wanted to try again. I knew I wasn’t ready and I eventually gave in to him pressuring me to try to make it work with him again. It lasted for another year and a couple months before we started having problems again. Small problems, but problems nonetheless. We were so happy and I remember just a few weeks ago I asked him, “When do you think our ‘honeymoon phase’ will end?” because our relationship felt just as new as it had in the beginning. Our communication was so much better and we talked about a lot of problems instead of just not discussing them. I will say, a huge problem I had was threatening to break up with him every time we did get in a fight; I never actually wanted to break up, but he’s so emotionally closed off sometimes, because he doesn’t want to seem weak, that I just wanted to get a reaction out of him; I wanted him to say he cared. And that stems from me being insecure about myself and our relationship. Anyways, I stopped doing that because he said if I threatened him anymore, he would leave, and righty so. It was wrong for me to do that and I knew it. A few weeks ago we got in a fight about a mistake he made three years ago that was still hurting me. We almost broke up, but managed to work past it and I finally forgave him completely. He said he wanted to keep trying but he didn’t know if it’d work. Things went back to being okay I guess. We both felt kind of down since that fight, and it opened the door for more of my insecurities to sneak in which caused a couple fights this past week. We were fighting because I was uncomfortable with one of his close girl friends, who I know deep down isn’t a threat, but I’ve always felt like she was a better version of me since we were so similar in some aspects (we were good friends at one point and just grew apart when she left for college). He went to her birthday party two days ago and decided later that evening that he didn’t want to fight anymoreL although I didn’t want to either, I know he was afraid that we’d never work through this problem and it would keep turning up like the issue from three years ago. I went over to his house to talk about what happened, and we had a calm, and slightly emotional (from both sides) conversation. We decided we didn’t want to lose each other completely and we want to try to be close friends again like before. He’s also my best friend because I know I can count on him. Even though I went through many friends in high school, he was the one person who stuck with me no matter what, regardless of whether we were together or not. He said I won’t lose him as a friend, but we kind of dabbled with the idea of being friends with benefits. I know, I know, some people might say that means he doesn’t care about me, and maybe he doesn’t anymore. I do know that out of our four years, he has never pressured me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with, and we didn’t have sex until this past year. After every other break up he has always turned down my offer of messing around even though we aren’t together. Does this mean anything? I know he loves sex, like any other guy, but I also want him too, so it isn’t one sided. I also know he isn’t the kind of guy to do something so emotionally involving and so intimate if there was no hope. He’s said we should move on but I’ve known him long enough to know that sex is a huge deal to him. He may talk to other girls when we’re apart but he isn’t the kind of guy to f*** someone if it isn’t going anywhere. He’s an amazing guy, which is why I don’t want to lose him. I know we’re still young and we have a lot to learn about relationships and what it takes to have a successful, committed relationship, but I know deep down we can make it work later. Since we are trying to be friends, what should I do to maintain his attentions so he doesn’t stray to another girl? Last time we were “friends” after our breakup we still remained exclusive up until we got back together (and definitely when we were together), and I want to do that again? What should I do? Is it a bad idea to sleep with him even though we aren’t together? He said that if we did decide to still have sex, it still means something, and coming from him that’s huge. After every break up he’s always reluctant to admit that he still has feelings for me; when we were discussing what had happened, later that evening I was straddling him (after we talked about being FWB, although we didn’t hook up that evening) and we were just staring at each other, just looking into each others eyes for a long moment when all of a sudden he just said “I love you.” I was so shocked. He was so upset that he said that, and I know it was genuine because I know him and I’m pretty pessimistic about things, so I would’ve doubted it if there was a chance it was him playing me. Does this mean something? He always says we should try to move on and we never are successful. How do I make sure he remembers that he loves me, and that we make each other happy? I want us to continue to improve ourselves, and just be happy together, and remember what it’s like when we’re carefree and not worried about everyone else’s expectations for relationships. I want us to go back to being us and not being worried about following society’s standards for what a relationship is, because that’s when we were the most successful. We were happy. Help please!!

    I’m so sorry for the essay, but I just need unbiased advice!

    • Wow, yes, you HAVE said a lot, but I will take the things that stand out to me. As you acknowledge, you are still very young, and as you say you don’t have good role models for relationships, I assume you both come from fractured families. This makes me wonder whether what has evidently been an intense relationship for such young people might perhaps have been both of you seeking a substitute family in each other. This would be perfectly natural in the circumstances, but when you add sex to the mixture it makes what is already an emotionally loaded relationship explosive.

      You say you have broken up and reconciled several times already. One thing that will help you greatly in this and any future relationship is to learn how to handle conflict. Conflict with someone you love threatens your sense of security. It is frightening, and when someone feels threatened they often react aggressively. One example of this is you threatening to break up with your boyfriend every time you get into a fight. What you should do is try to keep calm and listen to his point of view (of course he should do the same to you). It sounds easy in theory, but when you are emotionally aroused it is difficult even to remember it, let alone actually do it.

      If you have a good relationship, you should feel able to trust your partner. To trust that they mean well, and have your best interests at heart. If you don’t feel able to trust in your partner’s good intentions, you should question whether they are the right person for you. Trusting your partner is what will give you the strength and courage to believe that they are not fighting you out of bad intent; and that if you listen, really listen to them, you’ll come to understand the reason you are fighting each other. And once you understand, you can seek a solution.

      This is a skill that tends to come with maturity. But in view of your youth, your post showed an impressive degree maturity and self-knowledge. However, I don’t think that being friends with benefits is a good idea, and I think at heart you realize this yourself. FOB is something that only people with no emotional attachment can do successfully.

      Don’t be too intent on believing this relationship could never be superseded. There’s no reason to break up if you can be happy together, but life still has many lessons to teach you both, and you may find that your time together will reach its natural end in due course. Either way, I hope you will find happiness. Good luck!

  32. I was in a relationship of 5 years , suddenly my ex started falling out of love .I tried to become friends with him but some how always fails , some how I feel I am falling in friends with benefit zone .
    from past 9 10 months I think he is dating someone may be but he still meet me beause that girl is not in the same town i guess .
    I want him back but somehow I always fails to be friends with him . I have been trying this from so many months . . .but watching him talking to his new girlfriend I am never comfortable in , I end up fighting and he blocks me from everywhere .

    • You think he is dating someone else? Or you know he is, but you don’t want to admit it?

      It sounds to me as if you know he has found someone else. If that’s true, then the last thing you should be doing is trying to be his friend. You should be practicing no contact, and building a new life for yourself. Now that that he is no longer your boyfriend, you should not be giving him the benefits of a girlfriend.

  33. I broke up with my ex bcos of his flirting thing with any gal he meet..I still love him we know each others flaws n weakness. How can I win him back I really love him am failing to get happiness in my life

    • If you are failing to get any happiness in your life, then you need to concentrate on changing that. It is not someone else’s responsibility to make you happy. Work on discovering why you are so unhappy, and then you can do something about it – yourself. When you have mastered this, your boyfriend – and other men too – will see you quite differently.

  34. So me (20) and my ex (22) we’re in a ldr. He broke up because the distance was making him lonely and because it wasn’t going to change for at least another year while we both finish school. He’s told me multiple times that he didn’t know if it was the right decision and that he still cares for me but he felt like he had to do something. Today was the first day I’ve gone a full 24hrs without talking to him even though it’s nearly been a month, (we were really close before dating and we just kind of started talking like that when things split) and I’m taking it kind of hard. It seems like he’s both dropping hints that he wants me back one day and pushing me away. Help!?

    • Take a break and stop talking to him. You can both reconsider when – and – if you are ever living in the same town. But don’t allow him to string you along like this.

  35. Me and my ex have been broken up for 3 weeks now and we just started back communicating and every time we’re together we always end up having sex.. I should stop having sex with him huh ?

  36. My ex and I are good friends, but I’ve always hoped we could get back together. But now he’s started dating someone else, and I’m devastated. I was trying to play it cool, so that he felt comfortable with me. We were getting on so well, talking about everything in a way we never did before. I really thought we were on the verge of getting back together. Why has he done this? I don’t understand.

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