The thought is nerve-wracking, terrifying and you are almost freaking out just from thinking about it. How do you contact your ex boyfriend for the first time after breaking up?

Huge numbers of women get this completely wrong. And that’s not surprising, given the high emotional temperature surrounding anything involving your ex. And it’s SO important to get it right. If you don’t, you’ll probably lose your boyfriend for good.

First things first, have you been practicing No Contact? If you don’t even know what that means, then go here immediately to find out all about no contact and why it’s so important after a breakup. For the rest of this post, we’ll assume you have practiced No Contact for at least 30 days, and you feel confident that you are ready to talk to your ex again (go here to find out how to tell).

Think about this carefully before you do anything rash. Remember you are trying to regain credibility with your ex, and you don’t want to make any more mistakes.

Are You Really Ready to Contact Your Ex Boyfriend?

A breakup can really mess with your emotions. And you have to be clear about how you really feel. That’s what No Contact will help you with.

Do you really miss your ex, or do you just miss being a relationship? Did he have unique qualities that attracted you, or are you just bereft at being alone? Did you have a strong connection with him, or did you just like having someone around to keep you company?

Have you learned to be happy alone?

You want to be sure it’s the right thing for you to get your boyfriend back. There’s no point in making such an effort if the relationship isn’t the right one for you. Just wanting to fill a gap in your life isn’t really enough.

Try asking yourself these questions and see how many you answer with YES.

I can’t think about my boyfriend with getting upset or wanting to cry

I’m afraid he’ll move on with me if I don’t contact him soon

I’m glued to his social media pages

I’m lonely and afraid I’ll never find anyone else

If any of these are still true for you, it’s too soon for you to contact your ex boyfriend. You need to continue with no contact a bit longer.

(For the complete low-down on this, please check out The Ex Boyfriend Guide.)

Why You Need to Be Different

When you broke up, your ex had issues with you and your relationship; issues which made him feel he didn’t want to be with you any more. But people can change their minds, and this is what you have to do now. You must get him to change his mind about YOU.

How? How do you get him to do that?

You need to be different. You need to behave differently from how you behaved when you were with him. If he sees you have changed, he will change his mind about you.

(To find out more about this, and how to do it, please check out The Ex Boyfriend Guide.)

How to Contact Your Ex Boyfriend

First, a warning. Don’t become a text terrorist (for more about this go here).

Remember you are going to be different. And that means not going overboard and pestering him night and day with messages and calls. The first way you are going to be different is that you are going to play it cool.

You need to be cool, because it’s decision time.

How are you going to contact your ex boyfriend?

Calling on Your Phone

This is strictly for the confident and the fast-thinking. The good thing about calling is that you can get an immediate impression of your ex’s feelings towards you (remember, they may not be positive). The bad thing is that it’s so easy for things to go wrong, especially if his feelings are not positive. Then there’s a high chance of running a repeat of your breakup.

You should really only consider this option if your breakup was not too acrimonious and you still have friendly feelings for each other.

(To learn more about calling your ex you should check out The Ex Boyfriend Guide.)

Sending Him a Text Message

The good thing about this method is that it’s much less likely that things will get out of hand. You can think as much as you need before you send each text, and the worst that can happen is that he will simply ignore you.

If you think this is the right method for you, I have written a whole post on Using Text Messages to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back which you can find here.

Writing Him a Letter

This is method works best if you are trying to revive a long-term relationship. The letter should be friendly and but not emotional, and most importantly, it must be short. You are not going to pour out your heart for pages and pages, and tell him of your undying love. Instead you will agree with the breakup and give him an irresistible invitation to call you.

If your boyfriend likes receiving letters, or they were a tradition between you, this can be a very effective method. The downside is that you may have wait some time for a reply – or to be sure that there isn’t going to be one.

(To find out exactly how to compose your letter, please check out The Ex Boyfriend Guide.)

What To Do Next

(You will find a full explanation of all the steps you must take in the article How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back, which you can check out here.)

When you first contact your ex boyfriend after a breakup, your aim is just to get him to talk to you again.

Once you have done that (congratulations and well done!), you want to build enough rapport with him to be able to call him, or better still, get him to call you. Ultimately you want to meet up again, but you will need to be patient.

Be prepared for things not to be plain sailing. If your boyfriend won’t respond at first, you need to return to practicing no contact for a while longer.

Knowing how to contact your ex boyfriend is one of the trickiest parts of the whole process. It’s a complex subject and it’s impossible to cover it fully within a single post. To get all the guidance you will need for getting this right, please check out The Ex Boyfriend Guide.

This Post Has 12 Comments

  1. Marie

    Ex and I broke up abruptly on 2/9, then worked it out about a week and a half later. Went away for a ski weekend, he started a huge fight. I let it go, but then the night we came back he flipped out for no reason and left, then called right after and said it wasn’t working. I got angry and agreed with him, then told him I was going to block him because I didn’t want to get hurt anymore and didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. The next day, I emailed saying I unblocked him and if he still wanted to talk, I would answer, but if he didn’t that was okay too. I said maybe time and space would be a good thing for us. He never replied. It’s been a week now, and I still haven’t heard from him. Should I be reaching out or should I still leave it up to him and do no contact? We have some of each other’s things, and I was thinking of using that as a reason to talk and clear the air. What should I do?

    1. Sarah

      Never use the ‘I’ve still got some of your things’ excuse; it’s completely transparent. Better to leave him unblocked and continue the no contact. You said it would be OK if he didn’t want to talk so you must keep your word. Give him some time to calm down and think about things. And use the time to think properly about what you really want. At the moment you’re just acting on impulse and that usually leads to mistakes.

  2. Natalie

    My ex hasn’t called me at all and I’m not sure whether I should call him. What do you think?

    1. Sarah

      Have you done no contact? Then check out this article about whether now is the right time to call.

  3. anonymous

    hi! i broke up with him and a day later i regretted him so i called; no reply. the day after i sent him a really long message saying sorry, i love you, etc. but he told me he doesn’t think he can go back and that he wishes me the best i told him that was understandable. now i am doing no contact but i am thinking of reaching out in 2 weeks by saying “can you come get your stuff?” and then i’ll try to get him back when he sees me that day. is this good enough? any advice? im lost

    1. Sarah

      Sending a message the next day was a mistake, and having done that it will be obvious what the ‘come and get your stuff’ ploy is all about. No contact is supposed to change things between you by using the time to work on yourself, and to have a positive effect on your ex.

  4. Dammy

    My ex boyfriend called me two days to the day he told me he want to quit, should I pick his calls????

    1. Sarah

      Not if it’s only 2 days and he’s only called once.

  5. Charlotte

    I message my ex boyfriend saying I’m sorry for everything i’ve down and I still love and miss you very much. He didn’t answer after than. What should I say to him next. I really want him back.

    1. Sarah

      Nothing. You have said your piece, for better or worse, and now it’s up to him to respond or not. Pestering him with a stream of messages is the worst thing you could do.

  6. Bianca

    I tried texting my boyfriend (just saying hi, how are you), but he didn’t reply. Should I try again? And if so, what should I text him? I thought texting was the best way to get him back, because it was safe. I’m confused now. Why didn’t it work?

    1. Sarah

      Hi Bianca,

      You have to send a text that invites a reply. Go here to find out about using text messages to get your boyfriend back. But don’t send another one immediately, as he didn’t reply before. Give it a couple of weeks before trying again.

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