You want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back. Your heart is breaking and you just want the pain to stop. But how do you it? Look on the internet and you’ll find people promising to show you a few tricks that will soon make him come crawling back to you. But can they? What really works, and why?
Believe me, I understand how you feel. You mind is a whirlpool of longing, indecision and doubt. Can I get him back? Does he still love me? What do I have to do to make it happen?
No other guy in the world measures up to him. Every other guy seems shallow and boring, and you can’t imagine sharing what you once had together with anyone else.
You have to get your ex boyfriend back. You just have to.
And the chances are that he won’t come back on his own, so you need to do something to make it happen.
You Need to Raise the Bar
Did you know that people only take action when something important to them is at stake?
But most women allow themselves to be driven by their emotions after a breakup. In their desire to get their boyfriend back, they cling to him and try to reason him back into the relationship. They become fixated on the breakup instead of the reasons for it, and they are often desperate to keep in contact with their ex.
You won’t get your ex boyfriend back by trying to convince him it’s the right thing. In fact, every time you call, beg or sleep with him in the hope of getting him back, you queer your own pitch. You’re feeding your desire to keep some kind of hold on him, but he’s never feeling the loss of you. For him the breakup isn’t real, final – and painful. It’s gradual, effortless and easy.
Every time he sees you, hears from you, sleeps with you, the stakes go down. The breakup becomes less raw, moving on becomes more natural. In the end, he’ll hardly notice you’re gone. (For more about the fatal mistakes people make after a breakup, visit this page.)
So you need to make the breakup into much more of a shock – for HIM.
That means not trying to be ‘friends’ (and becoming a friend with benefits). It means not doing things for him in the hope he’ll come back or being sentimental about the past and trying to resurrect your relationship that way. By all means accept the ‘friends’ label if he suggests it (you don’t want to appear angry or hostile) but be clear-eyed about your situation.
You are not ‘friends’. It’s not what you want from him, and you are not prepared to be at his beck and call.
Things have changed between you.
Can I guarantee you are going to get your ex boyfriend back? No. All breakups are different, and it’s impossible to predict the future. But I can help you to get out of the despair you’re feeling right now, and show you the best way forward. This might be reconciliation with your ex. It might be a new life with someone else.
In fact, whatever the future turns out to be, the steps you need to take are the same.
How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back – The First Step
So what’s the first step? Well, you’ll never get your ex boyfriend back until you accept that your old relationship has FAILED. And that means that you’re NOT going to try to revive it.
No, you are going to create a NEW and BETTER relationship with him. And relationship building takes time. Remember, right now BOTH of you are handicapped by the memories of the old one, the one that failed. Try to give some thought as to WHY.
What went wrong?
What was it you fought over?
What were the things that made your boyfriend unhappy?
What made you unhappy?
Thinking about all this will take time.
And that’s GOOD.
You see, the funny thing about men is that they think about a woman more when they are away from her, and fall more in love with her too. Once you an understand this, you’ll see why it’s best not to smother a man when your presence, especially in the early stages of a relationship.
And why not rushing to get him back is so much more effective than chasing him.
Getting back together too quickly can actually be a bad thing. Both of you need time, space – and more self-knowledge. Changing the dynamics of your relationship will be difficult, and perhaps painful. You may end up getting hurt all over again.
And as you’re the one who wants to get your ex boyfriend back, you’re the one who will have to fight for it. You may not be successful. But if you don’t try, nobody else is going to.
Be Realistic About Your Situation
Most likely your boyfriend dumped you. Even if you dumped him, he will be feeling really, really fed up, riled and resentful towards you right now, and not particularly susceptible to your charms. It’s not like when you first met, and he pursued you. The dynamic has changed completely.
You may hope that he will contact you at some point, but what if he doesn’t?
You can’t wait forever. If he doesn’t contact you, you will have to contact him.
How will you do it?
How will you know when is the right time, and what is the best way?
You need a realistic plan for where you should go from here.
The Second Step – Why Having a Plan Is So Important
Having a plan will give you focus and stop you giving in to your crazy emotions. Having a plan is the difference between flailing around making mistakes and doing what your emotions tell you, and devising an effective way to get your ex boyfriend back.
Don’t let him think that his leaving has broken your heart and destroyed your life.
To get your ex boyfriend back you need to be operating from a position of strength. You need to look as if you are in control of your life, and are handling the breakup well. What you want to do is to persuade him that he has made a mistake.
In fact, you want to make him wish he’d never left you.
Three thoughts to give you hope…
You know your boyfriend is attracted to you – you were his girlfriend! And that attraction can be re-ignited.
Once you understand what REALLY went wrong, you will have a real chance of putting it right.
Lots of people get back together after a breakup – it’s actually VERY COMMON, and it happens every day.
So why can’t it happen for you?
OK, your breakup may have been protracted or bitter; and you may have done things since that were foolish, rash and downright stupid. But you CAN come back from that. It’s possible. However…
It’s not going to be easy.
And it’s not going to be quick.
You will need to be patient. And you need to keep your mind fixed on your ultimate goal: to get your ex boyfriend back. (For the quick route to reconciliation, click the link below.)
How Does Your Ex Feel About YOU Now?
This is probably an all-consuming thought. Does he still love you? Does he still think about you?
Not many people can shut their feelings off like a tap, so it’s more than likely that he does. So it’s a funny thing that many of the signs he still has feelings for you can often make a woman believe the opposite; that she has lost him for good.
First, is he angry with you?
If your ex is refusing to talk to you and telling you he doesn’t want to see you again, this is actually a good sign. It’s good because it means he still has strong feelings for you. Remember, the antithesis of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
But right now, your relationship is making him feel imprisoned. And the more pressure you put on him, the more attractive the distant hills of freedom look to him, and the more determined he becomes to break free of his jail cell and escape. Every time you call or email him, he hears the sound of the jail door slamming behind him, and he feels trapped. So the most important thing for you to do right now is to stop chasing him.
Second, is he putting on a big show of being happy?
Is he making a big deal of enjoying himself without you? (Of course, you know this because you’ve been glued to his Facebook page. Grrr! Stop looking!)
How men cope with breakups
Is he putting on a big show of being fine about the break up, of moving on, and having fun now that he’s a free and single guy? Is he out all the time, drinking and socializing as though his life depended on it? Has his life turned into one long party, as if he’s forgotten you ever existed?
Is he even dating someone else?
Or maybe he’s throwing himself into his career or his hobbies, taking on a new project at work or devising a new and rigorous training program. He’s just ‘so busy’ with everything in his life right now.
These are all ways in which guys cope with break ups. He’s trying to convince himself that it’s great to be free again, that now he can do what he likes and have a great time partying every night. And most of all he wants to blot out the pain he’s feeling and convince himself that his life is moving on, that things are great and that he’s going to get through this.
The truth is that the majority of guys think that ALL breakups are awful – no matter WHO did the dumping!
Men often find it difficult to understand and handle their emotions, and their usual way of coping is to try to block them out. That’s why a lot of guys go a bit wild after a breakup. It’s just their way of getting through a bad time.
(To find out the whole truth about how men handle breakups, including why they often go a bit crazy, please visit this page.)
So What IS the Plan?
Remember when I said you need to make the breakup into a real shock for him? Well, you start the shock by following The No Contact Rule.
If you have read any advice about breakups, you will have heard of The No Contact Rule. That’s because you almost certainly won’t get your ex boyfriend back unless you follow it. But to get the most out of it, it’s important to understand just how the No Contact Rule can help you.
The Third Step – How to Use No Contact to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
There are 2 reasons why you should follow the No Contact Rule.
Healing – it’s THERAPEUTIC
The main benefit of No Contact is to give you and your boyfriend an interval in which to get over the breakup. You both need to time to heal.
Even if he dumped you, your ex is bound to have suffered some doubt and pain. And the biggest problem for you is that his feelings towards you right now are probably negative. Some time apart will give him a chance to calm down and see your relationship in a more realistic perspective. It also gives you a chance to influence that perspective and make it more favorable to you.
Even more important is what some time apart will do for you.
Right now you have a broken heart; your emotions are in turmoil – in fact, you’re in a mess. You can use this time to pull yourself out of this mess and get yourself into a much better place.
It’s absolutely vital that you make this effort. It won’t be easy, but there is no point to No Contact (and you won’t get your ex boyfriend back) if you don’t use the time to work on yourself, and turn your life around.
Using the power of yearning – will he miss you?
If you don’t contact your boyfriend for a period of time, say 30 days, he will notice (obviously), and he is likely to miss you. If he misses you enough, he might even contact you. However, depending on your breakup, it might take longer than that for him to miss you. In fact, it’s impossible to put a timeline on it.
Even if he does miss you (and he probably will), it doesn’t automatically follow that he will want to get back together with you. He may accept the pain as a necessary but temporary cross to bear while he gets over you. It will take more than just him missing you to make him feel that he HAS to be with you again.
But it will focus his mind on you. It will do more to make him think and wonder about you than anything you could say or do at this moment.
But what if he does contact you? Should you ignore him?
This can be a really bad idea.
It makes you look manipulative
It makes you look childish and immature
It makes you look as if you are serious about never wanting to see him again
It makes you look as if you have moved on
After all, you want him to see you as a changed person, someone with such a great life that they’ve got no problem exchanging few words with their ex.
You’re not bitter. You’re getting on with your life. You’re happy.
It also takes no account of your individual circumstances.
Maybe you still live with your ex
Maybe you work with him
Maybe you have children with him
If your circumstances mean you have to see him, then keep your exchanges polite and friendly, without crossing over into any hint of intimacy.
If he contacts you spontaneously, sound happy to hear from him. Tell him you’re doing fine, but you’re too busy to meet up right now. Of course it would be good to see him again sometime. Keep the conversation brief, and make sure you end it yourself.
Don’t make him think that you will never willingly speak to him again. That can only have a very negative effect.
(By now you’ll realize that No Contact is a complex subject. It’s VERY important to understand fully what it can and can’t do for you. You can find out everything there is to know about No Contact by visiting this page.)
How You Should Be Using the No Contact Period
No Contact is something you should do entirely for your own benefit.
It is the time you devote to yourself so that when you do see your ex again, you can knock him sideways with all the positive changes you have made.
This won’t be easy.
In fact, this is going to be a difficult time. To get your ex boyfriend back will take courage and dedication on your part. It’s a time for endurance rather than enjoyment.
When will I be happy again?
Right now you probably think the answer to that is ‘Never’. This is the problem you must use the No Contact time to solve.
Here’s a challenging thought to consider.
As long as you are dependent on someone else for your happiness, you will never be a happy person. Why? Because you have given the power to make you happy to someone else, leaving you with the constant fear of losing your happiness if – when – he decides to leave you.
Meanwhile, you can’t ever consider leaving him, because if you do you will leave your happiness behind you, with the person who owns it.
No Contact is your chance to prove to yourself – and your ex – and the whole world – that you don’t need him to be happy. Maybe you still want him, but you don’t need him.
Immediately you will have given yourself a massive power surge. The person who can be happy and enjoy life without depending on anyone else can never have their happiness taken away.
Think of this as YOUR time
The No Contact period is a time you devote completely to you. YOU are the focus of everything you do now. Over the next few weeks you are going to become the best you have ever been.
The first thing you must do is get out of the house. No-one ever became a better, more interesting and more desirable person by sitting at home moping, eating too much and feeling sorry for herself.
Remember you want to be the best you can be. This is how you can do it.
Keep moving – exercise!
The first thing you must do is exercise.
Use your gym membership if you have one. Walk, run, play tennis or squash, do some classes or join a sports club. Whatever it is, make sure you do something regularly (3 or more times a week) that raises your heart rate, makes you sweat a bit and releases endorphins. (These are the feel-good hormones that are stimulated by exercise, which raise your mood and make you feel good when you move.) It’s good to include some weight training in your program too, as this will build muscle tone.
But the most important thing is to get moving. Regular exercise will give you a better-toned body, clearer skin and an all-round feeling of well-being.
Make sure you eat well
Eat good quality, healthy, natural food, and drink lots of water. This will give you brighter skin, thicker, shinier hair and better health. Improving your diet can have a positive, visible effect on your appearance in just a few weeks.
Learn how to be happy
Do more of what you enjoy most. Give more time to your hobbies, and take up a new interest. What adventure or project have you always meant to do when you had the opportunity? Well, now’s the time!
You want to feel good about yourself and your life.
Getting yourself moving and participating in things you enjoy will rebuild your confidence and show you that you can have a satisfying and fulfilling life without your boyfriend. No-one can have a healthy relationship with other people until they can first be happy with themselves.
You may have to work on yourself first
Think about how you feel about your relationships, not just with your ex boyfriend, but with everybody in your life.
Do you feel in control of your life?
Do you feel other people respect you, or do they take advantage of you?
Do you like yourself?
Do you think you would choose yourself as a friend?
Your relationship should never be a barricade against feeling incomplete and/or worthless. It should be a blessing that enhances your life, but does not define it. A good relationship is made by two happy people creating something together that is more than the sum of their two individual parts.
For now you must accept the breakup and start moving on towards a more rewarding life, and a more successful relationship in the future. This may be with your ex, or it may be with someone new you meet now.
Sometimes a woman finds that doing No Contact makes her realize she doesn’t want her ex back after all. It happens.
But whether or not you still want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need to understand the reasons for the breakup. Once you are calmer, you should be able to see more clearly what went wrong, and why.
The Fourth Step – Why Did You Break Up?
Let’s start with the most basic question of all: who dumped whom?
He Broke Up With You
This is the most likely scenario when it’s you trying to get your ex boyfriend back. It’s also heartbreaking, demoralizing and really knocks your confidence.
Did your boyfriend tell you why he ended it? If he did then you have something to go on, but men don’t always tell the truth at such times. Often they don’t want – or are afraid – to hurt your feelings. So they fall back on the excuse they think will be the least hurtful and upsetting.
Unless there’s some obvious reason like cheating, men usually leave because they are not getting what they need from the relationship. Despite what you are probably thinking, this isn’t sex but admiration.
When you first start dating, everything is great. You are so in love that you can’t see any flaws in each other. Being ecstatically happy is constant and effortless. You are made for each other, and nothing can possibly go wrong.
This is known as limerance, and is called the honeymoon period.
The honeymoon period can last for anything from a few days to a few weeks or months; even a year or two. Usually it depends on how often you see each other; people in long distance relationships can remain in limerance for years, if they only see each other occasionally.
But eventually it ends. Sometimes it ends more quickly for one partner, leaving the other still in the full flush of wild infatuation. Being dumped when you’re still in limerance can leave you blindsided.
How things start to go wrong
As the excitement and newness fades, you start to see each other’s flaws. You realize your partner can be irritating, difficult or wrong. You start to annoy each other more often. This is when fights can start.
This is the stage at which most relationships fail. Hence the 3 year itch; the 5 year and the 7 year…
Too often when the ‘in love’ feeling fades, there’s nothing else left to build on.
To get past this stage into the calmer waters where relationships stabilize into a strong foundation that will last, you need special skills and understanding. Most people don’t have these skills naturally, and as they never learn them, their relationships remain stuck in a battleground where both partners are fighting a defensive battle for control.
How things can remain wrong – forever
Many relationships stumble on, sometimes for years, in a kind of low-level war zone, in which neither partner is happy, yet neither one is unhappy or brave enough to leave.
You don’t want to be in this kind of relationship.
Or you might just begin to realize that you are fundamentally incompatible. These are the relationships that shouldn’t be saved, because you are just not right for each other. You need to find out which kind of relationship YOU had.
Sometimes when the limerance fades, people start to believe that their partner isn’t ‘the one’ after all. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you any more” is a common complaint for this person. When that happens, the person no longer in love will move on to the next limerance experience, and the next, and the next…
They become addicted to the feeling of being ‘in love’.
You don’t want to be this person.
(For more about what to do if HE broke up with YOU please visit this page.)
You Broke Up With Him
You may think that because you did the dumping it will be easy to get your ex boyfriend back.
This is not true. In fact, you may have to put in more effort than the woman who was dumped.
But why did you break up with him? And are you sure now that getting him back is the right thing to do – for both of you?
You need to think carefully about your reasons for changing you mind. Finding that you miss him and that the single life can be a bit lonely is not a good enough basis for a lasting relationship.
(For more about what to do if YOU broke up with HIM please visit this page.)
What If One Of You Cheated?
Cheating is one of the most difficult things to forgive, and is very destructive.
If you cheated you should think deeply about why you were unfaithful and whether your boyfriend is the right man for you.
Most people cheat because they want to feel appreciated, although some just see an opportunity and take it because they think they won’t be found out. A one night stand that remains a secret is unlikely to affect the main relationship, but a clandestine relationship that goes on for any length of time is bound to undermine it. Few people can give the same level of passion and commitment to two different people at the same time.
(If your relationship was subject to any form of physical or emotional abuse, I strongly advise that you DO NOT try to resurrect it.)
The Fifth Step – So SHOULD You Get Back With Your Ex?
You have now spent some time improving your life and you are beginning to feel good about yourself. You should be sufficiently calm and detached to think clearly about whether, for you, to get your ex boyfriend back is the right thing to do.
But first, you should take a look at the plan.
Of course, it’s a little more complicated than that, and you have to adapt the plan to suit your own circumstances. But if you’re raring to go, then go here to dive straight in.
So what are your reasons for wanting him back?
If your reasons spring from feelings of neediness and inadequacy then they are not good enough to justify reconciling.
You’d forgotten how much you hate being single
You probably won’t find anyone better
You’ve tried dating again and you hated it
You just know everything will be different next time
No relationship based on these feelings will thrive for long. If you still feel like this, then you need to continue on working on building a satisfying life of your own before you enter into ANY new relationship.
You need to have POSITIVE reasons for getting back together if you are going to be happy. Here are some good positive reasons.
You were happy for most of the time you were together
You have lots in common
You shared the same values
You wanted the same things from life
The problems that caused the breakup can be overcome
If you are going to make a success of your new relationship, you have to adopt a new mindset.
There’s no point in trying to resurrect the old relationship.
You need to create one that is NEW and BETTER.
If you are truly ready for that, then you need to think about how you are going to get your ex to speak to you again.
How to Contact Your Ex – the Sixth Step
This is something that must be a very personal choice. Everybody has their favorite methods of communication, but right now you need to think about your ex’s preferences. What is going to be the best way to contact HIM?
You also need to think about how YOU will cope with these methods. If your breakup was bitter, the thought of calling might be intimidating. You might find texting easier. Or if your ex is among the minority of men who respond powerfully to words, then a letter might be best.
The Ex Boyfriend Guide gives you LOADS of help here, so I really recommend that you check it out as this is such a crucial issue when you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back.
Choosing the Right Method of Contact
So how do you decide? Each method has their good and bad points.
This has immediacy and excitement, but it is also hazardous. The potential for the conversation to veer off into anger or recriminations is high. You have to be able to think on your feet, but you’ll also get a real feeling for your boyfriend’s current mood from actually talking to him “live”. That’s if he even picks up, of course.
This has immediacy too, but with a much lower risk of disaster. You can take as long as you like before you press ‘send’, and it’s much easier to remain in control. It is also intimate without being threateningly close. But not everybody likes to text…
If this was a way you often communicated, then it might be better for you than texting. The main problem is that using email can be a dangerous temptation to say too much.
This can make things very special and personal, but is probably not a good idea if your relationship was not a very long one. Writing a letter works best when you already know someone very well.
How to choose
Give some careful thought to this, and try to go with your gut instinct. The important thing is to re-open communication between you in a way that is light and unthreatening. You want to make you boyfriend comfortable talking to you again.
You are not trying to get your ex boyfriend back, not at this stage.
If he doesn’t respond, you will have to wait a while before contacting him again. Whatever you do, don’t bombard him with missives.
For more help with contacting your ex for the first time after a breakup, visit this page.
How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend back – Don’t Give Up!
There’s no magic charm, fairy-tale enchantment or charmed spell that will get your ex boyfriend back in an instant. You will have to be both patient and persistent.
See it as similar to climbing a mountain.
A person standing at the bottom of a mountain, looking at the peak, thinks “I could never climb that!” It’s as if they expect to reach the summit in a single stride. And so they give up, before they’ve even started.
But no-one climbs a mountain like that – because no-one could. You climb a mountain in small steps; each one taking you closer to the top. Each step seems so little, but each step is taking you that bit further on your way to the summit.
Occasionally you stop to look back; and then you can see how far you’ve already climbed. There’s still a long way to go, but you’re beginning to believe you might make it. You keep going. When you look back again, you realise you’re more than half way there.
You can do it.
You keep going, and eventually you get there. You’ve reached the top. You stand there, looking in every direction at the view. You’ve done it.
It can be done. Believe me; I love hiking and I’ve climbed many mountains. I know.
There’s No Quick Way or Shortcut to Success
You are probably hoping that there is a template (or 10) that you can follow at this point, which will guarantee you will get your ex boyfriend back.
The truth is that relationships are organic things and do not follow scripts or pre-imagined courses. Your relationship is unique, and no-one can give you a word-by-word, pre-arranged plan to make it work.
Remember how we talked earlier about limerance, and how many relationships don’t survive after it fades? How many women don’t have the relationship skills to create a permanent, happy relationship with a real, flawed but still lovable man?
Relying on templates will eventually leave you stuck. The templates will run out, and when that happens you won’t know what to do next.
But if you become a woman who truly understands a man, and has the skills to connect with him on a deep emotional level, then you will always be able to cope when problems arise.
When your boyfriend feels that you truly ‘get’ him, he will be unable to resist the urge to get you back.
What should you do next?
Learning these relationship skills is too big a subject to be covered in a single article. To find out everything you need to know about creating better relationships, and to discover how to rebuild a deep connection with your ex, you need The Ex Boyfriend Guide.
The Ex Boyfriend Guide will guide you step-by-step from where you are now (alone and bereft) to where you want to be (to get your ex boyfriend back). To find out more about how it can transform not just your breakup but your whole life, click on the link below.
Believe in yourself. You really can do this.
I wish you all the luck in the world!