Wouldn’t it be great if you could make your ex fall back in love with you again? Just think. No more planning and scheming to get him back. No more uncertainty. No more loneliness. In fact, he’d be the one chasing you. Wouldn’t that be the dream way to get your ex boyfriend back?

Of course it would. But right now, it looks impossible. Maybe your ex won’t even speak to you. Maybe he’s told you that you’ll never, ever get back together (Taylor Swift fan?); it’s over between you.

But think about it for a moment. Would it really be that hard?

In fact you have a major advantage over anyone else when you want to make your ex fall back in love with you. After all, you held his heart once, so you know you have the qualities to attract him. All you have to do is remind him why he first fell for you, and there’s a good chance that you can make your ex fall back in love with you again.

But Right Now He’s Got Other Things On His Mind…

The problem is the breakup, and the things that drove you apart. In place of the love you shared, there’s now anger and bitterness; and you need to get past that to have another chance with him. And if your ex has turned his back on you and doesn’t want to see or hear from you any more; then you can’t just rush in with all guns blazing and expect him to fall back into your arms. (You’ve probably been doing a bit of this already, and instead of getting your boyfriend to come back, it’s driven him further away. Find out more about the kind of fatal mistakes people make trying to get their ex back here.)

You need to be a bit more patient and subtle. In the end, your ex needs to feel that it was his idea to get back together, because then he’ll be not just a willing but an eager participant in your new relationship.

Unless he feels it was his decision, you won’t be able to make your ex fall back in love with you again. So follow these 7 clever tips to get him not just back in your arms, but eating out of your hand again.

1. Set Yourself Free Of Him

Yes, this sounds paradoxical, but what it really means is this; stop making your passion for him so obvious!

People always want the things they can’t have. If your ex knows he could have you back whenever he wants, there’s no urgency. He can keep you on the back burner indefinitely; he can even use you as a social backup when all else fails, or as a shoulder to cry on. Knowing that you will always be there, waiting around for him if he should ever decide he wants you, is the surest way to guarantee that he never will.

2. Make Yourself Scarce

Stop being at his beck and call. You’re not his girlfriend now, let alone his beck and call girl. Let him fend for himself. He’s a big boy now, and he can look after himself.

Your priority now is YOU. You have to build a new life for yourself – without him. The surest way to live a life in which nothing ever happens is to wait for events to come to you. So don’t wait at home, hoping your ex will call. He won’t, and even if he does, it’s better if you don’t answer. Go out and do something you enjoy instead.

Remember that your ex is not part of your life any more, and he has no right to expect you to “be there” for him. Even if it’s hard at first, you’ll find that the more you do, the more you will want to do and the less you will think about your ex.

3. Pamper Yourself

Make a fuss of yourself. Treat yourself to a few luxuries. Do the things you enjoy most, and do them often.

All your money is yours now to spend on yourself, so indulge in a few of your favorite treats. Do whatever makes you feel good, and make a resolution to get yourself looking and feeling great.

But don’t indulge yourself by overeating. This is not the time to give in to the urge to binge because you are feeling down. Looking good will show your ex that not only are you doing fine without him, but he has also lost a prize that was well worth keeping.

4. Appreciate What You Have

Instead of obsessing over how unhappy you are, think about the good things you still have. Make a list, if you have to. Your friends, your family, your career, your hobbies, your social life; all the things in your life that mean most to you. Things which, if you’re honest, you probably neglected a bit while you were together.

Being a “glass half full” person will give you a completely different outlook from the person whose glass is always half empty; and everyone else will pick up on your positive vibes. Being happy is a great draw. People flock to happy people, and crave their company. Happy people always seem to have something special, some irresistible allure, something which others want to share.

5. Let Go of the Past

Don’t keep obsessing over what went wrong, and what you could have done differently. Think instead of how different the future is going to be.

Dwelling on the past pulls you down and robs you of the will to make changes. You cannot change or undo what has already happened. You need to look forward and find reasons to be optimistic.

Having negative thoughts and feelings shows in everything you say and do, and other people will pick up on your negative vibes. And there is no quicker way of ensuring that nobody wants to be with you. Not only will you not make your ex fall back in love with you; you’ll be in danger of chasing away your other friends too.

6. Welcome the Changes

Even though you’ve just suffered a very unwelcome change – your breakup; try to see change in a positive light.

The breakup has happened now; it’s history. Further changes are inevitable if you are going to move on. But there are plenty of other things over which you do still have control. So use this as an opportunity to improve your life in the most positive ways you can.

Set goals for yourself and make a realistic plan to achieve them. Any kind of success right now, however small, will be an enormous confidence booster, and will show your ex that actually, you can do fine without him. All the words in world won’t convince him even a fraction as well as seeing you confidently turning your life around.

7. Love Yourself First

If you don’t find yourself lovable, then no-one else will.

Right now you need to regain your ex’s love in order to validate your belief in your own worth. But being happy with the person you already are takes away that need. When a breakup is truly devastating to the person who has been dumped, it’s often because they relied on their partner to make them feel worthwhile and valuable.

Learning to love yourself will take away much of the power your ex has over you, because you won’t need the affirmation of his love just to feel good about yourself.

Make Your Ex Fall Back In Love With You By Moving On

The paradox is that to make your ex fall back in love with you, you need to start moving on and showing him that he is not necessary to your happiness. The less sure he feels of your love, the more valuable and desirable it will become to him. It’s human nature. People never want something more than when they fear it’s about to be taken away from them.

And whatever happens, you will have started the process of recovery. You won’t still be in the dark place you were when you started out on your journey. Instead you will be on your way to somewhere new and better – and to making your ex fall back in love with you again.

This Post Has 53 Comments

  1. Angel

    Hi Mona,
    Right now he is using you and if you play along he will break up with you and you will be heartbroken. If you want to save this, you probably can. But by stopping to apologize and being needy. Get some self confidence and some distance to the situation. Go on a trip alone or with friends. And tell him before that, that you love him and want to make things work with him, but the situation right now is not making you feel good, you want to have a serious committed relationship that leads to marriage and not be friends with benefits. And you say this without crying or drama, you say this calmly. And then you leave the room. And go on vacation so that he has time to think. Dont discuss it or have more conversations. You need to put your needs on the table and give him space so he can come back to you. If you push and push and try to shower him with love he will only loose more respect for you, as he already did. Sorry to hear about this. But don’t mess it up more now. And please don’t apologize more, you did already.

  2. Jane

    how to get back your ex attention after you the one who broke up with him? i broke with my 3,5 years boyfriend a year ago bcs of pandemics and i was so busy that year and i just see his effort getting less and less it seemed like he’s only a side character in my life he also didnt support some of my passion etc etc and i felt like i didnt grow in this relationship but i do love him i regret it, we talked after broke up and he said he acknowledged his mistakes and in the future he wont repeat it with whoever it was 3 months after break up i thought we could maintain this contact and fix everything but then we getting less and less talk bcs he said we no longer gf and bf and that we should talk less, i told him i regret asking for break up and i want him to comeback but he said he doesnt know he still very hurt bcs of my action but maybe we can fix this if i he healed and i fight really hard, thats what he said. so i really fight for him until january this year bcs he updated with a new girl… im not even yet to explain face to face with him… i sent him a few emails regarding happy birthday and happy ied i also send him anonymous food on his birthday on may, what should i do to get him back? he seems to have completely moved on… why is it so easy for him? or at least how can i get his attention just to talk for the last time face to face?

    1. Sarah

      What would you hope to achieve by such a talk?

  3. Melissa

    hi so i broke up with my 3,5 years boyfriend 1 year ago we still keep in contact until january this year but i guess he had moved on and have a new girl.. i broke up with him bcs of the pandemic make us further and further he’s quite possessive and bossy but i felt like he lacks of effort but i regret it i do whatever i can i really fight for it (and he knew i want him back) and he said “maybe we can fix it if you fight really hard for it” and i fight for him until january this year but i think he just really hurts he didnt even say happy birthday to me… i wish i can talk for the last time eye to eye with him… what should i do i just cant believe he forgets all so easily 🙁

    1. Sarah

      Maybe he had come to see you as an insurance policy in case the new relationship didn’t work out.

      Are you sure the relationship which wasn’t good enough for you a year ago is really worth trying to revive?

  4. Mona

    My love and me are in a 6 year relationship.I made a mistake and he broke up with me.It was a big mistake, but I was the person who told him that I had done a mistake and apologised to him. He broke with me and did not talk to me for 2 months. Then for my birthday he met me and talked to me. I shared everything to him. Now we are living in a life we had before our breakup, we are happy with each other,sharing things,laughing together,caring for each other,everything is good. But he says that he has no feelings for me right now, he says that he has only sexual feelings for me. He says that he has no opinion on love right now and he is not sure that he will say yes to me in the future. But his behaviour is so different with me we have that bond, his behaviour and words are quite different to each other. Whenever I asked about the relationship he says he dont know. I have that gut feelings that we will have a life together, but I dont know how to deal with this confused and complicated situations. I always wanted my love back I want to take care of him like no one else ever did. He has no other reasons to breakup with me expect the mistake I had done. We always wanted to marry each other, we are so serious in our relationship. Please help me getting my love back and lead a happy relation.

    1. Sarah

      Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about love after your mistake. His behavior is the best guide to his real feelings.

  5. Andrea

    So my boyfriend and I recently broke up right before our one year anniversary. He was completely obsessed with me from day one and I was the one person he could talk to for hours without ever getting bored. We fell completely in love with me. With covid all of my classes were online and he got to go back to his university and be around his friends and go to in person classes. I was stuck at home doing online school, going to work and then once a week seeing him. He was busy with activities and on boards so he was busy. I do acknowledge that I probably put much of my happiness into him and relied on him for that. I always said how lonely I was and he told me it will be better soon and he’d always be there for me. One day he told me he didn’t know if he was in love with me anymore and cut it off. But days prior he was saying how he was still in love and wanted to always be there for me. We even went on a trip with my family and they all said including his family I brought out the best in him and he was totally in love. I just don’t understand what’s happening

    1. Sarah

      Perhaps as you say you have been depending on him too much. Try to develop some other interests outside your relationship.

  6. Lauren

    I was in a relationship for 2 years, he persued me, he worked next to my job.
    He Asked for my Instagram at the Time, I ignored it then we decided to go on a date 10 days later. It was crazy good and bad our kiss was amazing but the friend he was with started me up(his cousins ex gf) but he ended up crying he was in love me with me and asked me to be his girlfriend after. We were madly in love but I never told my dad because I wasn’t sure what if it didn’t work or what if it failed I was terrified. I had bad relationships and didn’t trust. He has a child and his baby momma wanted to take his child so he tried anything to keep him including talking about sex with her. I forgave him but time went on, He didn’t tell me the truth the best friend told me and mad me feel stupid. Later on a year later I met the baby momma he didn’t introduce me he said hey. I was hurt meeting her and I was just there so I said something . I got upset and a big thing happened. We got over it. We promised this wouldn’t affect us. Then he was talking to another girl I tried to leave he got mad and said if you wanna be a with me give me my ring back. He did. We were great all the sudden on the 26th I saw him at the baby, his dad and the dads wife, we were great the baby talked and joked with me we felt close.
    Saturday was my dads birthday, he told me say happy birthday I said okay. He goes did you say happy birthday? I said no me and my dad were arguing over work. I said fuck you for starting something on my dads birthday. Next day I called him to see if he blocked me and hung up. He called 6 times, he said you called ? I said no because I didn’t wanna be a baby so he said your calling Someone else i said no I called to see if you blocked me and he said okay . I was still wife in his phone . Then he hurt his finger Tuesday from that work we texted and I said did they give you anything Are you okay and he just ignored my text . Thursday he said how am I dating someone who doesn’t care about my finger . I said I did yesterday you ignored me . He didn’t understand supposedly. Somewhere in between he said he needs me but I needed to learn what it is to need him. Them Tuesday a girl harrasses me and says hes my man come mess with Chanel( his exs best friend that started stuff in the beginning of our relationship ) I said Chanel didn’t act like she knew me at all and they tried to mess with me later . Thursday same thing they bothered me until 4 am and she said your girls calling meaning me and what he wanted to drink. Then came Wednesday this past week my anniversary he said this happened because I didn’t tell my dad . He’s in a relationship with her since th 1st , 3 days after I was with him. 2 days after our fight! He said he didn’t give a shit about me at all. what do I think they were doing until 4 am ( having sex he said ) I said so I’m replaced that easy he said grow up . I called and called to upset him, then he called my job to upset me. This past Saturday he said he’s in love with her, he feels different with her and ordered an engagement ring , and is dating her since the first. This girl knows Chanel apparently, said to have a three some with her and him. We were engaged for 1 year and 7 months. He treated me like I was complete nothing , his dad’s opinion didn’t matter or how his son would feel or his family that all knows me . Idk what’s real or not but I’m hurting bad. Everyone says it’s lies and I just need advice he was the love of my life that changed in 3 weeks idk why. Before all this he said he wouldn’t know what he would do without me . He always said without me he would go crazy. Idk this man maybe the baby momma took the ( she was taking him to court for child support or to move to New York ) or some trauma happened but idk this man

    1. Sarah

      Do no contact, preferably for several weeks and use the time to think about whether you really want to be with a man who has women all over the place and sounds a complete douchebag. If you still want him then set some standards for how you want to be treated and insist they are kept – and be prepared to walk away.

  7. morenikeji

    My boyfriend broke up with me after four month saying he doesnt know what love feels like anymore and I still love him what can I do to get him back??

    1. Sarah

      Follow the plan to reattract him, find it here and here.

  8. Andre

    Please help me and my ex has broken up because i once hit her which really hurt her and he loose connection with me and interest. I still love her and i have prove everything i can to let her know it will never happen again she wont listen and dont want to be with me again. What can i do please help

    1. Sarah

      Promising a woman you have already struck that it will never happen again only tends to work until the next time – and the next promise. If you are serious about making CERTAIN that you never treat any woman like that again, then get some professional help.

  9. John

    Hi Sarah
    I met this girl online , we hit it off lived close to eachother ,dated for 4months but within that we had kicked off so strong ,madly in love with eachother. I am from a different country and had so much I went through in my past with family. When she had asked what I did for a living I had told her something else at first and that I drive which was in the fact I was trying to look better-I was married before and have a kid but it was a bad marriage but she never knew about it
    So a time came she started becoming suspicious about it all and asked me to just be open and honest that she wants us to be open with eachother if we will be together
    I told her everything and also about the kid and she was broken -for a week we didn’t really talk I had confronted her and told her about my past and she felt so bad saying I was the strongest guy she ever knew but that I had told her a lie so after a week of hurt we rekindled went out did more fun adventurous stuffs, everything was ok atleast it seemed then she had to tell her mom
    We went away on vacation and got back and her mom apparently kept on pressuring her about being with with and why she is still with me.she fought for it but then had a vacation of two weeks planned with her brother and the day before she left she messaged me and told me she wanted to say bye which turned out to be a breakup I had told her we were happy she cried a lot and said she knew she loves me and always will but she just think it’s best we break up as her mom is mad at her for staying in this relationship-she said it’s best to delete me of social media as she doesn’t want to get hurt by looking at it and will help her move on. She said she was sorry and didn’t want the emotional rollercoaster and it not being fair to me her blowing hot and cold. She gets anxiety when she is not with me and thinks a lot but when we are together she is fine and loving. She has my number and email and says we can still talk but I shouldn’t over abuse it. I haven’t spoken to her in 2weeks now.i love her so much but don’t know if it’s space and time she needs . I am tempted to contact her but giving her no contact so she can have that space and see if she reaches out.

    1. Sarah

      I think it would be better not to contact her yourself, and if she contacts you then you should ask her why and what exactly she expects from you and your relationship. You have both been at fault, you by lying and she by vacillating; but to be honest lying is probably the graver mistake. It’s hard to trust someone who lied right at the beginning of a relationship, so learn from this and don’t pretend to be someone or something you’re not.

  10. Isabelle

    My ex of 2+ years broke up with me 2 weeks ago because he is stressed and wants to find himself. He told me he doesn’t feel the same way like he used to and wants to remain as friends. I still love him and miss him so much. I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to lose my best friend. We have known each other for 4 years and he is a big part of my life. Will he ever feel the same way towards me ever again?

    1. Sarah

      Not if you go on being his friend, being there while he withdraws from the relationship, cushioning the breakup, making it as easy for him as possible. And certainly not if you go on sleeping with him and become a friend with benefits.

      Tell him you’re sorry but that you accept his wish to move on. Wish him luck for the future, but refuse to become his ‘friend’. You still have powerful feelings for him, and so friendship is quite impossible. And then move on. Either he will realise that he really wants you after all, or you will realise you don’t want him and that he has lost you. What it will do is resolve the issue. The resolution may or may not be want you want, but at least it will happen and you will be able to move on.

  11. Mugs

    Hi, I was with my ex for two years and three months we had a long distance relationship. I’m 24 he’s 22 so there is a age difference. We were each other’s best friends. We were good friends before we dated. We’ve been through some difficult times together but was always there. Our relationship was good. We didn’t argue or fight very often. The only issue that would come up was not making me a priority in his life after two years. He would always choose his mom or family over me. Even when I was in the hospital he rather went to a barbecue with his family then visit me. He had recently lost his job and had been going through a hard time. He went to visit his family for a month in a different country. The same month I was starting my new job in the same field he lost his job. Ever since he’s been picking fights with me and making me sad. I had to leave for the rest of my training and he started pushing me away. Telling me his family will always come first and he wants and needs to do things on his own. When I came back he was suppose to see me but called and asked for a break. I did not want one and wanted to work out our issues. Three days later he broke up with me. Saying it’s not you it’s me. He doesn’t want to keep hurting me. At first I begged and wanted to know why and what happened. I said we’ve been through hard times before and can work it out he said no it’s for the best we split. I went into no contact for thirty days. Worked on myself. I began contact again and at first it was positive. But after a while it felt very one sided him only talking about himself telling me he got his job back and not asking about me and whenever I tried to talk he’d end the conversation. He acted hot and cold towards me so I wrote him this big message. I told him that I still had feelings and have been trying to move on and realized the breakup had to happen. He wants to stay friends as we were best friends. So I told him it’s only hurting me more and I don’t think we can be friends. His reply was that he wants to be friends but he’s giving me space. At that I said I need space because he didn’t really acknowledge my message. I don’t know what to do now. Please help

    1. Sarah

      Tell him that you can’t be friends and that you need to move on. And then cut contact with him.

      You say you had a long distance relationship. Did either of you ever have plans that would allow you to be together at sometime in the future? Because you just can’t have a long distance relationship indefinitely. You need to have a plan that will bring you physically back together. Did he have such a plan? And if he did, how committed was he to it? What did he do to make it happen? How did he fight to be with you?

      1. Muggs

        It was never to last this long. We met in college and when we finished I moved back home which was only an hour from him. But We did plans to move in together and we’re planning on it this year but then he started to put it off saying his mum needed him and he couldn’t leave her yet. He wasn’t that committed to it we had been saving up for a place then he used his money that we saved for a place to go visit his family instead. In the beginning he did everything for me fought for me and was there for me. Near the end he sort of just gave up and I feel like he was trying to get me to break up with him but I was fighting for us because I really have no idea what went wrong.

        1. Sarah

          He’s very young, and perhaps for him the relationship had run its course. That’s usual when you’re only 22. But you are young too, and there will be other relationships. It’s always a mistake to push when the other person is resisting. Keep in touch if you wish, but don’t pin your hopes on him. Maybe you can meet up occasionally, and perhaps one day the spark will reignite.

    2. Lisa chung

      my boyfriend and I broke up two months ago. we were dating for 1 year and all of a sudden he wanted us to be friends and he told me he don’t want a committed relationship. I was pregnant at the time of our break up. his family became aware that I was pregnant and told him he need to be there for me, but then I lose the baby. I went by him and he told me he want to.make things work and we end up having sex. when I meet home he told me he habe someone and he don’t want me because he want to work on his self. his father die two weeks ago and I went to the funeral. we talk good and I was there for him. now he deactivate him whatsapp because he say he need time to grief. I don’t know what to do because i am so in love with him and I want him back so badly

  12. Shay

    I’m still in love with my ex we’ve been broken up for two months. He broke up with me because he said he was tired of me fighting and bitching about everything which wasn’t even the case. I just felt like with every relationship there are things you’re just not gonna like that the person does and all I ever asked for was respect and I felt like he never comprehended that or wanted to try to understand me. I always felt like my feelings never mattered and tbh the issues were never a major deal…but for him if you tell him something he doesn’t like he blows it out of proportion and that’s how it always was. We could never come to a solution. So eventually i grew frustrated fron just trying to talk to him it lend to the fighting I really just wanted him to understand me. I guess you can say we had issues understanding each other and communicating because the same things i would say he’d say the same in return which is crazy because I’m the most understanding person I always put myself in others shoes. Since we broke up he spent the entire first month with me still telling me still loved me and didn’t know what to do and then on and off in April …and now he says he doesn’t want anything to do with me and doesn’t love me anymore. I guess you can say I have fault In that because instead of just giving him space I kept fighting for him to see eye to eye with me, and to understand that we both had our issues but if we could overcome them we could work things out. I’m always afraid that time apart will make things worse and I just didn’t want that for us. I’ve had time to think things through and I’ve apologized to him for ever making him feel like what he was doing wasnt good enough because it was it was the communication that we been lacking but at the same time I’ve also been wanting him to take responsibility for his actions too and I don’t get it. Am I doing something wrong? I just don’t understand anymore. How can he tell me I was the love of his life and just say he’s over me? I’m not perfect but just like I was trying I needed him to try too and maybe things would of never lead up to this and it just makes me sad and upset that something that clearly can be worked on ruined us.

    1. Sarah

      Perhaps you were trying to make him into something he isn’t, and the breakup made him realize that. Don’t fight over the little things or as you’ve discovered you’ll end up fighting all the time.

  13. Secret

    My ex and I have been apart for some time now. I do not know for sure how long but we have seen people through our on off stage. I miss him, he is the father of my child. What can I do for him to see. He tells me he loves me but he fears me of everything that we have gone through. I am honestly trying, but at times I just want to give up. I am not the begging type. Any Advice?

    He is currently talking to an “old friend” of his which makes me feel I have even less of a chance.

    1. Sarah

      It’s not clear from what you say whether you were in a real relationship with this man, and if so how long it lasted. You also don’t say whether or not the child was a mutually planned one. The inference coming from your message is that your relationship was neither stable nor long-lasting, which is not a good basis from which to build a reconciliation. For the sake of your child you should try to build as harmonious a relationship with your ex as you can, since through the child you are now tied to him for life. This doesn’t mean, however, that your future relationship will be a romantic one. Your child must be your priority now; by becoming a mother you have forfeited your right to put your feelings first. Put ‘everything we have gone through’ firmly in the past, and think of the future.

  14. kayla

    my bf of almost 2 years broke up w me recently because he said he was feeling unhappy in our relationship n trapped to do things jus to make me happy n not himself n a couple of months before we kind of had an argument n we were going to break up but we decided to give it another try n now he told me he does not feel happy being in a relationship anymore n wants to b free n he kept saying hes changed n its not the same i rly want him back rn n i have no idea what to do w myself n how to get him back hes not the type of person to reach out even if it was the other way around n i broke up w him please help

    1. Sarah

      The phrase that matters here is your boyfriend saying he ‘wants to be free’. If you put any pressure on him now, you will only drive him further away. This is a case where you will need to let him go before you will have any chance of getting him back. Go here to find out more about the no contact rule.

  15. Lu

    My ex and I had been together for 2 almost 3 years now and we have been on and off, everyone gets jealous and well there was certain situations in which I felt uncomfortable and I would express that to him and at first he would listen but then at some point he became irritated and would tell me that his friend was very touchy and that she didn’t mean much by it although I would feel uncomfortable. That’s when we started to have problems, I found it hard to trust even though I had no reason to doubt him, I think it’s because of my previous relationships where someone left me for another girl and it really scared me to think that it would happen again. After that my jealousy didn’t get any better but I also felt like I didn’t get as much attention from him like before. When talking to me he barely made eye contact and would be distracted and it would make me upset because when he would talk to his other lady friends he would give them his undivided attention. He was loving and kind but little things just began to make me a bit paranoid and he was always very honest with me. His ex was also his good friend for a long time so when she would come into town we would all hang out and she would be very touchy and that would upset me too. We recently decided to mutually break up because there was a lot of tension and I would make him upset even if I did nothing. The last night we were out together he looked upset and I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing and that by me asking I was just annoying him… so I stepped away and gave him space. He told me he loves me very much and that he has never loved someone the way he has me but that somethings in our relationship weren’t healthy. I’m a very positive person but I think to some extent my jealousy got the best of me. I feel like with some confidence I would have been cool with certain situations because it wouldn’t have felt like a threat to me. We are giving one another space and it seems like it’s a lot easier for him than me. I need to give him space but part of me want to be able to hang out as friends and talk. I would be fine with that after all we enjoyed each other’s company a lot before dating. Do you think that perhaps at some point he will come around and want to hang out ? Or do you think that perhaps he’ll think his life is a lot better than me and not want to see me at all ? Also I do overthink things a lot.
    I hope that we can be friends and grow as individuals and that when the time is right and he deals with his stuff as far as forgiveness and patience that maybe we can work out.

    1. Sarah

      A secret you may not be aware of: when you feel threatened by other women, it diminishes you in a man’s eyes. It tells him that you don’t see yourself as a real prize, and makes him wonder if perhaps he couldn’t do better.

      You say that your confidence isn’t always as good as you would like, so this is something you might want to work on so that you can improve your self-esteem. This would go a long way towards helping you to believe your boyfriend when he tells you that you are woman he loves, and to be calm and cool about his exes, whether or not he is still friends with them.

      Don’t ask him for ‘forgiveness’. Stop doubting yourself and stop doubting him. Tell yourself he is lucky to have you. If you can believe it, he will too.

  16. lucy

    My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me 4 weeks ago, saying that he thinks we have changed as people and are lives are going in different directions. The last 6 months have been a period of great change for us as he has taken on a new job which is very intense and has a lot of travel involved. I have not reacted well to this change and since breaking up I have had therapy and realised that I have severe anxiety around change which has effected my behaviour in the relationship over the past 6 months, making me behave in an unsupportive and uncharacteristic way (for example saying I would never want to move abroad which is something he would like to do) which has resulted in him mistakenly thinking that we have changed as people and that I am not able to deal with his new job and lifestyle. When we broke up he said we felt we were in different stages of our lives and that I was slowing down while he was speeding up. Part of my realisation from therapy however has been that one of one of my coping mechanisms to deal with the change / uncertainty of his new job was to cling to our future. We had always talked about marriage and children and where we would live in the future and he was never scared of this, but I became obsessive about talking about this and focusing on it to the point that I wasn’t enjoying our relationship simply in the current stage it was in, as a result he believes I am ready to settle down now (which I am most definitely not) and that we are in different stages of our lives, with his life now ramping up and getting more exciting with his new job.

    Therapy has made me realise that my fear of change was causing me to react in ways to this situation that were not representative of how I really feel (for example I would actually happily move abroad). When breaking up my boyfriend told me he still loves me, but he believes his new lifestyle has caused me a lot of pain and will only continue to do so and that he believes having spent most of his adult life with me, that he needs to now go and grow on his own / have his own life. Because he has always put me first above his own needs, I understand why he feels this, but I believe that having had therapy, our relationship could now be very different and much more equal and supportive from my side.

    I had not contacted him since the breakup, but I accidentally ran into him last week, we spoke for 10 minutes or so and it was lovely to see him but when I turned the conversation to us he reiterated about needing time on his own to grow and be alone and that he knows that feeling isn’t going to change. I said that that I thought we should meet to speak about everything in a few weeks and he said that would be ok. I want to see him and explain my thoughts and realisations about everything but I know that he won’t listen to what I have to say and will think that I am saying I am happy to accept his new job and lifestyle just because I want him back and am giving up what I really want (which he believes to be a settled life) rather than the fact I am genuinely happy to accept it and be supportive. I feel like the relationship we were previously in gave him no space to grow as a person as it was very suffocating, but I feel like this could be different now I have taken steps to understanding my behaviour.

    We live around the corner from each other and I have heard from mutual friends that he is planning to move out of the area and is also talking to work about moving abroad within the next year or so. A mutual friend who has spoken to him has told me that although he seems ok on the surface he has told her he misses me and wonders how I am but doesn’t want to message as he knows it would be unfair on me. He has said to her that he doesn’t know what will happen in the future with us but reiterated feeling like he needs to be on his own. I know we will likely meet up in a few weeks and I will be able to clearly communicate my thoughts and realisations but I don’t know how to make him see that things could be very different if could give it a chance.

    Please advice!


    1. Sarah

      Your ex is clearly a very good man who genuinely cares for you. But he has seen his actions make you unhappy, and because he cares for you, he has done what he sees as the right thing by breaking up with you. Such a man would not do that lightly after 5 years together; and having done it, he will not undo it lightly either.

      He has seen his future change and become full of new possibilities; and he wants to take advantage of them. I suspect this has triggered powerful feelings of insecurity in you, which led to your recent behavior. Seeking therapy to deal with your feelings was a powerful move to take back control of your life, and shows you are stronger than perhaps you feared. However, although you have started on the road to change, you are unlikely to have arrived yet.

      I’m afraid the last 6 months can’t be undone in an instant, much as you would like them to be. And although I’m sure you don’t see it like that, it seems to me that you haven’t changed as much you seem to believe. Your first priority is still to get your ex back; and he knows it too, which is why he won’t talk about the past with you. You see, ‘changing’ as a person isn’t something you can explain to him; it isn’t something you can explain to anybody. He needs to see it for himself. And every attempt to tell him you’ve changed is simply reinforcing his belief that you are only saying it to get him back.

      And he’s right. Because if you really had changed, you wouldn’t be trying to tell him about, you’d just be getting on with your life as the changed person you have become.

      Where is this leading? To acceptance that for now, your relationship is over. I’m sure he misses you very much, but that alone isn’t a reason to rekindle your relationship. He is sure that for now he can’t make you happy and he needs to be alone, and if you can respect that, then it will be the first step towards showing (not telling) him that, yes, you really have changed.

      However, there’s no reason why you can’t stay in touch, NOT as ‘friends’ because that’s not what you want, and he is unlikely to deceive himself into thinking that is possible either. But as two people who shared a wonderful past, you still care about each other and so you could continue to share you experiences. But you have to face the possibility that he may meet someone else (and so might you); so DON’T build your life around the hope that one day you will get back together. You might, you might not. Get on with building a new life for yourself, SHOW him how, like him, you are growing and changing, and maybe he will come to see you through new eyes.

      But don’t count on it.

      And maybe have a look at this article and this one, which will give you some insight on how men view commitment.

  17. marielis laguer

    I asked for a break so I can fix things within myself and my bf thought a break was stupid so he said to break up. But I said if you really did love me you would give me 2nd chance? He promised me a 2nd chance but that never happened cuz now he made a pledge to not date for awhile for idk how long. and ever séance that night my life has been hard and he said we can still be friends but its kind of weird when we both still have feelings for each other. so now he calls me his friends but when we snap each other or hang out we some what act like we are together a bit but then again I have to tell myself that we are just friends. I don’t want to lose hope but at the same time should I give up and try to move on but then again he made me so happy and we were together for 6 months and all of that is gone now. I trusted him with everything and yes I still love him now but I don’t know what to do at this point…?

    1. Sarah

      Perhaps he thought that taking a break was just a prelude to breaking up.

      Why did you ask for a break? Are you just blowing hot and cold over this relationship? I ask because your ex doesn’t seem to trust your motives, and perhaps he feels you’ve played with him in the past.

  18. shanti

    I dated my ex for 4 months, at the starting of our relationship he cheated on me three times he begged for me back stating that he was going to change. a month later he was showing improvements but I still had feelings about him cheating so I decided to check his phone every second, I was paranoid and every minute wanting to know where he was. I wanted his 100% attention all the time which led us to have lots of arguments. I have been dumping him a lot and taking him back over dumb little things just because I am holding onto the past but I also lied about certain things at the starting of our relationship which he said he forgives me but now I have broken up with him I want him back but he’s using me breaking up with me and the past as an excuse. I really love him but don’t know what to do

    1. Sarah

      If he cheated on you 3 times right at the start of your relationship, when he should have been madly in love and thinking about no-one but you, why are you still with him?

      1. Lesly Mills

        I am in love with my ex and I miss him he was the 1st man I’ve ever loved when we were toghether he told me he loved me and that I was the only girl who made feel loved and happy. He said I changed his life around, he even said I made him happy to were he didn’t take pills anymore. He told me he wanted to start a family with me and I told him yes. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life, I started to flirt with another guy and my boyfriend got mad and broke up with me and then a couple hours later told me he forgave me and wanted to be with me, everything was good for a week until he brings it up again and says he don’t wanna be with me nomore. I told him we moved on from it and to leave it in the past because I love and wanna be with him but he didn’t care or listen, now that me and him are over he started taking pills again. I truly love and miss him, it’s been a week since the break up. What should I do?, please help me

        1. Sarah

          What pills does he take and why? It’s not your job to provide with therapy so perhaps the first thing he should do is get professional help so that he can give them up permanently.

  19. Tania

    My boyfriend of almost a year was deeply invested in me. I loved him too but was never as expressive as he perhaps wanted me to be. Marriage was already in the tasks and we had met each other’s family. He is 36 and I am 31. After 2 weeks of fighting he decided to break up with me in January this year. My immediate response was to ask him to reconsider to which he said no and we went out of contact. In March i ended up contacting him for a favour and he responded very well. I still had strong feelings for him but i decided to return the diamond jewellery he gave me because just seeing them was too painful and i knew i will never wear them again. We met for lunch when i returned them and despite the awkward reason for meeting, we had a great time. After 2 weeks i asked him if he was okay with being friends(thought that would be a good way to get back with him) and he said he would like that. We have been on friendly terms since then but hes not much of a texter so we do not correspond very frequently. I was happy that he agreed to be friends, since we werent friends before we dated and neither do we have common circles

    Do you think i have given him conflicted messages by returning the jewellery and friendzoning him? i love him with my heart and soul but can not tell him that because another rejection will shatter me. What else can i do to get him back?

    1. Sarah

      Why did you really give him back the jewellery? Was it perhaps because you hoped he would beg you to keep it, and come back to him?

      I ask because it’s kind of thing women do, and it never gets the response they are hoping for. After all, you didn’t really have to give it back to him, did you? You could have put it away somewhere you didn’t have to see it, couldn’t you, if you found the sight of it that upsetting?

      The jewellery was a gift, and returning gifts is both hurtful in itself, and a gesture of finality. That he remains in touch with you suggests that he may still have feelings for you, as does that fact that you don’t really seem to be friends in any conventional sense; you just text each other occasionally.

      You don’t say what caused the fights that led to your breakup. As far as your ex is concerned, I imagine he’d want to know that those problems could be solved before he’d think it was worth trying again. Can they? Have you given any thought to this since you’ve been apart? Because if not, this is where you need to start.

  20. Wovey

    My ex and i have been together for almost 8 years. I cheated on him and he forgave me and as we were starting to progress to something good, I made another mistake. I used the card of his mom, to purchase things since I lost my money. I was so scared so I told him about it and he wants time off since he wants to focus on himself he told me I damaged him pretty bad after the cheating and this. I was not thinkinh properly

    1. Sarah

      You didn’t “make a mistake”, you stole. I could ask how you came to “lose” your money, or how you came to be in possession of your boyfriend’s mother’s card, let alone the means to use it, or what “things” you couldn’t live without, or why you didn’t talk to your boyfriend about it and seek his support, but I’m not sure it would help. Having forgiven you for cheating on him (why did you cheat?), your boyfriend is now looking at a thief and a fraud, and the person she has wronged is his mother.

      How to you intend to repay her? How do imagine that your boyfriend can trust you after two such betrayals? You shouldn’t even be thinking of yourself, but of the two people you have wronged, and how you are going to make restitution to them.

  21. Sarafina

    In love with by boyfriend of six months,we had a quarrel,he ignored me for weeks,I apologised he said he has forgotten about it but we should just be friends,that he doesn’t want to deal with his past relationship dramas,he’s too emotional and won’t recover if we stay together and it ends .it’s difficult getting ova him cs I still love him and I know he does love me,I see the way he looks at me,he said he still hv feelings for me but he pushes me away as his own defence mechanism against feeling hurt.

    1. Sarah

      He sounds as if he doesn’t like being confronted with emotions, especially emotional dramas. Has he suffered some particularly painful emotional trauma in the past? No matter how much he dislikes it, he will have to get used to coping with some degree of emotional demands, or else live entirely divorced from normal relationships. Does he really want to spend the rest of his life in a sentimental and spiritual desert?

  22. Sara

    Me and my ex broke up a week ago.the reason he gave me was that I don‘t pay him enough attention..we broke up in bad terms and I ended up blocking him.but three days ago he sent me a message via telegram asking me how I‘m doing and whether i went out or not.i was angry at him and wasn‘t ready to answer him.so i ignored him.the next day he sent me a message again telling me to answer and he sounded desperate.but I ignored him again and he said goodbye.i know he will show up again.what should I do?should I ignore him again?i was there for him always and he broke up with me for such a trashy reason..shouldn’t I punish him?

    1. Sarah

      He probably doesn’t like being ignored. Maybe it’s the first time he hasn’t been able to make you do what he wants. It’s a new experience for him, and he doesn’t like it. Keep it up.

  23. Lilia Mburhson

    I dated him for 2years and i accused him of cheating with his ex we broke up i was scarce then he texted me which ended up in another fight and we weren’t talking for some days he texted me but we fought and i pleaded and begged him to take me back and he said no it’s best if i move and that he’s not good for me and i survived a day without texting and told him i totally agree with the break up and am happy on ma own and he was like hes sorry for hurting and i try to make him jealous and he asked if i have gotten a new boyfriend and i told him that shouldn’t be his concern and he said yeah please tell me what to do i really love him and want him back

    1. Sarah

      Accusations, fights, followed by begging and pleading. How long was your relationship like that? Why did you accuse him of cheating with his ex after you have apparently been a couple for 2 years? It suggests your relationship may never have been very happy or stable. Did you have any grounds for suspicion?

      This is no way to live a good life. Take some time out to calm down without contacting or seeing your ex. Ditch the drama, and try to get a firmer grip on what’s really going on, and whether you are really right for each other. When you can do that (and not before), you can think about the future.

      1. Joan

        My boyfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me because his feelings for me changed/faded. He cried a lot and thinks those feelings will not come back, even though he hopes they will.To be fair, for the past 4 months we both weren’t really invested in making each other happy anymore and we both became distant ( I was buzzy with school, he lost his job, etc.)

        Because I really do love him, even though I slightly forgot about that, I asked him if he wanted to do a month of no contact. When the month is over we can meet up and get to know each other again (so without talking about the past)! He said he didn’t think it would work but he agreed to give it a shot.

        Do you think the month was a good idea or was I panicking too much and should I just have left him alone?

        The month is almost over and I am not sure if I should contact him first or if I should wait for him to contact me?

        In the past weeks I thought a lot about our relationship and I know where we both went wrong. He doesn’t communicate very well (or at all) and I didn’t appreciate him as much as I should. So, I have been working on that!!

        I just hope we can start over, have a NEW relationship.


        1. Sarah

          If you want a new relationship, then don’t start by talking about the past. Make a new relationship. The time to talk over past mistakes will come, but only when both of you are ready.

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