What ARE the real signs your boyfriend wants you back?

You probably have a secret vision of how it will be when that light goes off in your boyfriend’s head and he realizes he’s make a HUGE mistake. That he loves you after all. That he’s really loved you all along, and that now he just HAS to get you back.

There’ll be a knock at the door; you’ll open it to find him outside with a huge bunch of flowers in his arms and an agonized expression on his face as he asks you please, please forgive him and take him back.

Or he’ll see you it the street, be overcome with emotion and regret, and rush after you to beg you to come back to him.

The thing is that, however it happens, you imagine some grand romantic gesture of abasement and regret on his part. You expect him pretty much to grovel, to acknowledge how much he hurt you and to prove that this time his love is real.

Unfortunately it’s probably not going to happen. Not like that, anyway.

This is real life, not Hollywood, and real life just isn’t like the movies.

And the worst part is that, if he DOES secretly want you back, HE has probably been dreaming up some pretty incredible scenarios himself. And he’s probably been doing some pretty unlikely things too; things you’d love to know about, but which he’d rather DIE that admit to anybody, least of all you.

And that’s the problem. He just isn’t going to broadcast to you that he really, really wants to be with you again.

So what ARE the signs your boyfriend wants you back?

Learning to See the Signs Your Boyfriend Wants You Back

Well, first you need to understand WHY the big romantic gesture is so unlikely to happen.

It’s because there are these two immutable forces holding him back: his ego; and his perception of reality.

How a Man’s Ego Gets In The Way When He Wants You Back

He thought breaking up was the right thing to do.

He’s had doubts, but dismissed them because, well, everybody has doubts after a breakup, don’t they? It’s normal to wonder if you did the right thing when you make an important decision. But really, he’s pretty sure he was right.

Now, every guy has his own way of handling a breakup. But if he’s typical of most men, he’ll try to suppress the doubts and move on with his life in his own way (to find out more about this, visit this page).

But the doubts get more, not less frequent, and to cut a long story short, eventually he’s faced with the unpleasant thought that he’s made a mistake. And if he wants to put it right, he has to back down, apologize, admit he was wrong, and ask you to come back.

No man likes the look of that scenario.

How YOU Get In The Way When He Wants You Back

And then there’s you. How do you feel about it all, now that you had some time to recover from the breakup?

Do you miss him?

Or have you moved on and decided that, after all, it was all for the best?

If you’ve been following the steps you learned in The Ex Boyfriend Guide, he certainly won’t be thinking smugly that he just has to crook his little finger to have you running back to him.

And that’s good. Because if he DID feel like that, he probably wouldn’t want you back anyway, such is the perversity of human nature.

But he’s no longer sure how you feel. And the more he wants you back, the more he doubts whether you feel the same. And the more he doubts, the more acute his fear of rejection becomes.

So he gets stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He wants you back, but he’s not sure he has a chance with you now. And he’s not going to risk making a fool of himself by declaring his feelings openly. Instead he fumbles around, making feeble and confusing attempts to find out how you feel, which leave you wondering what exactly IS going on.

So what ARE those weird and baffling signs your boyfriend wants you back?

He Keeps In Contact With You – When He Doesn’t NEED To

When a man dumps a woman and regards it as final, he’ll usually end all contact with her. If he still likes and respects you, he might try to let you down gently with a few sporadic calls at first, but they won’t last.

Of course there are reasons why you might still be in regular contact with your ex; if you still share a home, or if you work or have a child together. But if he definitely wants to move on, the contact will be business-like and impersonal.

But if your ex continues to keep in touch when he doesn’t really need to, then he might be trying to keep the lines of communication open because he’s not really sure he wants to let you go. An ex who stays in regular contact is probably an undecided ex. And the more frequently he initiates contact, the better for you.

If the calls are a bit awkward and aimless, then that is better still – he’s obviously having a lot of trouble letting you go!

This applies double if he calls you when drunk, since you are obviously the thing that is uppermost in his mind. Whether he is wildly affectionate or passionately angry, you are clearly the principal object of his emotional focus at this moment.

He Gets Angry or Emotional

If he still has ANY feelings towards you at all, that is a good sign, even if those feelings are negative or angry. The most discouraging thing would his having no feelings at all. If he is apathetic or indifferent, then it’s a strong sign he has moved on. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

Men only get angry and emotional when they are emotionally invested in a woman. But being aware of that himself, he may try to act indifferent. So you may have to look out for more subtle signs your boyfriend wants you back – and that he still cares.

He Wants to Talk About Your Relationship

This doesn’t mean blaming you for everything.

Immediately after a breakup both partners usually want to tell their ex how impossible they were and how everything is their fault. But if he genuinely wants to understand what went wrong, then it can mean that he wants to take responsibility for his mistakes and learn from them.

This may be just so that he can move on to a better relationship with someone else, but it could also be because he wants to rebuild a better relationship with you. Try to help him (and yourself) by talking honestly about how things were from your perspective. If you can both refrain from crossing the line into blaming, you have lots to gain from an honest conversation about the past.

Men will usually avoid this type of conversation, so if he’s rehashing the breakup then he’s probably wondering if it was a mistake. In fact any attempt to talk about “the relationship” is one of the strongest signs your boyfriend wants you back.

He Tries to Improve Himself – And Lets You Know About It

Is he working on some of the problems that caused you to break up?

Once he has decided that he wants you back, a man might try to change some of the things he remembers you disliked or disapproved of when you were together. Maybe he’s working out, looking for a job, or trying to adopt a healthier lifestyle. And if he’s really doing it to impress you, he’ll make sure you hear about it.

This is certainly a sign that he wants you back, but it won’t be much use if he’s only willing to keep the effort up until you agree to try again. If your relationship is to have a real chance, he needs to make permanent changes.

So while you should acknowledge and praise his efforts, don’t go overboard. He needs to make a much more solid commitment to a better future before you can really believe in it.

Lots of people only make an effort for long enough to get the result they want: in this case, getting you to agree to try again. Unfortunately few people can make permanent changes to themselves or their habits unless they really believe in them.

So don’t rush back into his arms. Give him time to prove that the changes he’s made are permanent, before you make any rash promises.

He Talks About the Good Times

If he starts reminiscing about the great times you had together, then he’s almost certainly missing you in the present. If you want him back, then you should stoke his memories so that they become more powerful and poignant.

The more good memories you can bring to mind about the times you shared and the fun you had, the more he will miss you and think about getting back together.

Making it clear that you share those memories will make him feel more sentimental, and more inclined to believe that you share his dreams of getting back together.

Making him feel that you are on the same wavelength will comfort him and make him feel that being together again is the most natural thing in the world. This will give him the confidence actually to try to make it happen.

He Talks About the Future

When a man talks to you about the future, it’s because he sees you as being part of it. It’s one of the most powerful signs your boyfriend wants you back.

A man who has moved on, and especially a man who has started dating someone else, will not want to talk about his new life with you. So if he is still being open about his daily life, it’s a sign that he hasn’t moved on yet, because he has nothing to hide.

And if he is talking about the future as if he sees you as a part of it, then he is definitely thinking about reconciliation, probably in the near future.

He might also be concerned about YOUR future, especially your romantic future.

You might be his ex girlfriend, but that doesn’t mean he’s indifferent to the idea of you being with someone else. Even if he’s moved on, he still won’t like to think of you with another man. And if he wants you back, the thought of another man will be enough to send him into orbit.

So if he’s fishing around for information on the romantic front, it’s another sign that he still has strong feelings for you.

He Wants to Meet Up

When he starts to make concrete plans to meet up, then he’s pretty much ready to start dating you again. He’s just not ready actually to call it dating yet.

Or maybe he doesn’t actually ask you for a date; he just seems to run into you all the time, or needs to see you for all sorts of odd reasons. Maybe he’ll suggest you call by because his dog misses you so much!

Whatever the reason, he’s clearly keen to have you back in his life in some way.

But don’t make it too easy for him.

Remember that he dumped you, so it’s up to him to make the running now. And if he really wants you back, he will make the necessary effort, as long as he thinks he has a chance and he’s making progress.

So enjoy his company, but don’t be too eager to give him what he wants. Let him work for you. He will appreciate you all the more after he’s had to put real effort into winning you back.

Remember that your boyfriend is likely to blow hot and cold while he wrestles with his doubts over the breakup. Having dumped you, he won’t find it easy to go back on his decision. So being able to recognize these signs your boyfriend wants you back will help you to keep calm during his vacillations.

Not sure what to do next?

Find out how to get your ex back FAST with this free report!

This Post Has 37 Comments

  1. Barbara

    My ex and I have been broken up for 3 weeks. Last week he kept texting to see if I’m okay, telling me that he will always love me and I shouldn’t hate him. I am so confused. Does he want to come back?

    1. Sarah

      Maybe, but it’s a bit soon to jump back into a relationship that has problems. Try reading this article to see if getting back together is right for you.

      1. Melissa Merrill

        My boyfriend and I broke up 5 days ago. Through out our whole relationship I’ve been finding him talking to other women on his phone. I know I shouldn’t look through his phone but I just get gut feelings I can’t ignore. I’ve been diagnosed as bpd and adhd and our relationship has been plagued with the viscous cycle of push pull and spying on him. Although he goes through my phone too. He just won’t ever admit it. I’m also pretty sure he either has narcissistic tendencies or possibly npd. I admit shit went toxic. I obsess and monitor his Facebook and won’t let him have female friends. We’ve gotten this way because of his inappropriate conversations I’ve found on his phone. I’ve nagged him down to be having appropriately in front of me but I still don’t trust him much when I’m gone. All of this led me to not sleeping with him for a year and a half. He constantly tells me he loves me but I can’t tell if it’s love bombing., I also feel he gas lights me. Recently I started losing weight. I was 314 pounds and now I’m 270. I also started wearing makeup and dressing nicer. I’m basically trying to attract him. But all my changes didn’t impress him all I got is who are you fucking? Looks like your trying to hoe around? He also recently told me to start reconnecting with friends but when I try to hang out with friends I get accused of cheating. He also nit picks me a lot. At times he’s loving and he waits on me hand and foot. He gives me back rubs, buys me what ever I want. Starts my car for me in the morning. Calls and text me nonstop. But then he flips and will go days on end being an ass hat. 5 days ago he told me he didn’t need me and I should move out for a week. This was during a fight. I then flipped my shit and packed up all my clothes. We didn’t talk for a day and then when we did it was I love you. I don’t know how any of this happened. But then the next day I didn’t hear from him at all.. it was Valentine’s Day.. VALENTINES DAY.. he messaged me at 6pm to tell me our show was on. So come today I went to the apartment and screamed at him and accused him of trying to move me out because he had another girl he wants to spend vday with. He told me he drank hard the night before and was too sick to text. I feel like it’s bs. I mean there was a vomit mess I’m not cleaning up but I still say another women is in the mix. He’s telling me he wants couples therapy. I’m just angry I didn’t get any baby come back. I didn’t get any I’m sorry. He’s a survivor of sexual abuse and spent 2 tours in Afghanistan and I feel for him. But this push pull act is getting so old.

        1. Sarah

          Are you getting help for your problems? Perhaps you should concentrate your efforts on that rather than trying to make what sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship work. And congratulations on losing some weight and starting to take care of yourself. That is a positive sign of self-love and respect. Keep it up!

          1. Melissa

            Thank you! I forgot to mention we’ve been together for 6 years.. it makes it so hard to walk away. I’m in therapy already and I hear from other people that they’ve seen a positive change in me.

            1. Sarah

              6 years is a long time but how happy have they been? And how happy do you think they will be in the future? Of course it would be hard to walk away, but if you continue on the positive path you’ve been following lately you will become stronger and more confident, and you will begin to see that you deserve something better than you have now. Take your time. Start to stand up for yourself a bit and insist on some respect. You deserve it.

  2. Jamie

    Hey! So I broke up with my boyfriend about 5 months ago. We were great when we were together on campus (we go to the same college) but once COVID hit and we had to go back home the affection he was showing was starting to go away. I would always be the one to address things in our relationship that may have seemed off. And whenever we would facetime I would try to talk about us and say I miss you, to get the conversation started, but he would just say it back and casually change the subject to family or other things. I would even text him I miss him and he would text me back the same but he never did it on his own, he would only do it when I would text him first. I spoke up about and we decided to not text as much or call, maybe like once every 2 weeks becaseu again we were in corantine becaseu of the pandemic. I started to feel like he was just loosing attraction, I honestly could not believe thathe would be able to go 3 weeks without even texting me or anything. nd so that is when I decided to talk to him about breaking up. I could not do it anymore. I totally understand about him not being able to show his emotions properly over text but we had been dating for 4 months, he could have said it over facetime. We decided to be friends and wait until January, when we would get back on campus, to see where things would go. During this time he didn’t make any move to reach out to me. I had to reach out to him first. I texted him that I missed him and that i still craed for him a lot. He texted back saying that he missed me to and that there is almost no day that goes by that he doesn’t think about me, and that he was sorry that he made me doubt his feelings fro me and that he realized that the best way fro us to work was for us to be together in person. but that he wouldn’t know if he would be coming back in January becaseu he had some family issues to resolve and then told me sorry if it seemed as if he wasn’t giving any options, but that is what he feels is best so that he wouldn’t hurt himself in the ned and ultimalty hurting me as well. I was heartbroken but i understood. So the day to confirm if we would be going back to campus comes and everyone had to submit their response. I waited fro him to text me or tell me what he may have chosen , but no text. 3 days later my friend texts me saying how he would be coming back to campus in January. I will be coming back to campus as well and I don’t know what to do. Do I have the right to be hurt from him not telling me? I feel that he may just be getting over me and when we come back ill just be setting myself for rejection. I don’t know if i should text him or even talk to him about this.

    1. Sarah

      Stop thinking about the past and concentrate on the future. That means not sending emotional texts and asking him how he feels. When you go back to college next year think of it as a new relationship and try to create a better one than before. Go here if you want help with that.

  3. Christina

    My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. We agreed to remain friends. We occasionally hang out. We occasionally text. I miss him so much. We broke up because I tend to push people away due to bpd. Do you think there’s a chance we can get back together?

    1. Sarah

      Have you made an effort to overcome your problems? A good man wouldn’t want to try again unless he thought there was a chance that things might be different this time.

    2. Rain

      I also broke up with my partner due to his bpd, and some other stuff, I still want him back and fighting for it, I do believe bpd ends one day stay strong and hold on to your loved ones, I’m sure deep inside him he still loves you or else he wouldn’t want to be friends and hang out with you.

  4. Khushi

    Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago .His mum was ready for our relationship but his dad wasn’t.He was going to marry me but things changed as his dad passed away.when this incident happened he started behaving weird and angry and rude to Me when I.asked him the reason he said he isn’t interested in Me anymore but to convince myself I kept asking him he said his mum doesn’t want us to get married as she thinks letting us marry would be against his husband wish and she doesn’t want to sadden his soul.She changed her words …Should I believe is it her words or really it was my ex tactic to throw away from his life .I miss him I want to ask him for a second chance .After our break up we didn’t even speak a day he never tried nor I.did but my heart isn’t ready to believe everything is end now I wanted to approach him what should I do ? Any suggestions will be grateful

    1. Sarah

      Are your ex’s parents in charge of your ex’s life? And if so, are you prepared to put them in charge of your life? Because it sounds as if that’s what you would be doing if you were to resume your relationship with him.

      Think about it.

  5. Ella

    My ex and I broke up a month and a half ago and we text every day. There was anger and sadness from both sides. Since time has past none of my feelings have changed for him. I feel this is more of a ‘break’ than a breakup. We have met up several times since the breakup and gone on not official ‘dates’ but what we used to do as a couple. We have since bought each other little inside joke gifts. However, he still talks to women which is fine but we haven’t spoken about what we are as per such. Im not to sure what to do and if he is still interested in me or if he is just stringing me along. Please help or suggest what I can do.

    1. Sarah

      You don’t say what the cause of your breakup was, or why you have continued to see each other since. Was it a petty quarrel for which neither of you are willing to apologize in case you lose face? Or do you have serious problems, which need to be resolved if you want to stay together? It sound as if you need to have a mature, non-confrontational conversation about your relationship, without trying to score points or assign blame.

  6. Megan

    My ex broke up with me one week ago. I gave him some time to cool down, but felt the manner in which we broke up was not final (over a text during an argument). I finally texted him that I didn’t want to give up and that I wanted to be with him and asked if we could talk. He responded and said we could. I told him the time and date I would call him. I should add we are currently long distance but only for one more month. I called him and it was very civil. He seemed very receptive to everything I had to say, the changes I was going to make, and the action I was taking to make them. However, he also seemed skeptical I was going to follow thru. I understand his reservations but I was hoping he would come around. He told me he loves me and always will, but that he doesn’t think it will work out. We continued to talk and then he said he didn’t know and that part of him wanted to get back together and part of him didn’t. He said maybe he needed some time. He said he did not want to stop contact though so we have talked twice on the phone since (once his initiation, once mine) and we text a bit too. During our last phone conversation, I told him about this book I read that really impacted me and asked if he would be interested in reading it so we could discuss together. He seemed very open to it and also gave me book suggestions. We fought a lot during our relationship because I don’t think we understood how to communicate with each other. Since breaking up, I have sought out help to let go of my anger and to work on the best ways to communicate. He mentioned today that logic is telling him to get back together and give me a second chance, but that he feels indifferent…. this nearly crushed me but I held my cool. He went on to say that he suppresses his emotions, and also he wasn’t sure this “no fighting, good communication” would last. He said he wouldn’t be talking to me if he didn’t see any hope. I said maybe he just needed time to be sure we didn’t fall into the same pattern and his indifference would change….. Am I wrong for being optimistic we will work this out? Everything seems positive except for that one comment. I also want to add he has not changed his Facebook profile picture from us and still communicates with my family, and I still communicate with his. Please any advice is much appreciated. Am I on the right path to making amends? Or am I at risk of pushing his indifference into being a final break up?

    1. Sarah

      Don’t read too much into everything your ex says right now – and that means the good things as well as the bad ones! He has said he feels conflicted about your relationship, so it’s quite natural that whatever he says should veer wildly between positive and negative.

      You say you have taken steps to change what was wrong between you, but your boyfriend doesn’t believe you will be able to keep it up. Well, the only thing you can do it to show him you can. It’s all very well telling him you’ve changed; words are easy. But the only way to convince him you mean it is to show him by your actions. It will take time to persuade him, but if you really have made permanent changes, then eventually he will see that you meant what you said.

  7. Rafia

    He said if u want to be my friend so fine. Otherwise its over now.. and disconnected the call. I texted him. That now its over and em not going to talk u ever again. But again after 10 days he unblocked me from everywhere. Then i texted him that now there is no reason to unblock me but he didnt answered . And i was unblocked for more than 6 days. Then i just posted a quote. After that he blocked me again… this blocking and unblocking was just a routine. after that i decided to be just friends.. On 7 jan 2018 i called him he said who is this. Oh its u rafia.. now again we both used to talk each other.. now he always try to make me jealous.. still he get jealous when i talk about other guys. Then he asked me for a meet up. And i accepted his invitation.. he was just the same..he was very happy.trying to make fun of me, wink at me. Trying to make me laugh, was just trying to dicuss about that fight and all that. Even he said that now u ingore me alot But now em changed u know why cause em hurt.Now em really sacred of that word REJEACTION.. i really dont know that he does still love me?? I really know. Please help me

    1. Sarah

      As a teenager I used to catch the bus to school, along with several other girls of various ages who went to the same school. One day one of the girls, who had previously been friendly, ignored me completely when I tried to speak to her. Realizing her game, I made no attempt to persist, or to ask her what was wrong. This continued for some days; then one day we were talking in a group when she suddenly broke off mid-sentence saying “I forgot; I’m not talking to you”. Happily I’ve never met anybody else quite so silly; but unfortunately such people do exist. At best they are drama kings or queens, at worst they are narcissists. Don’t play their game. Ignore them, and move on.

  8. Rafia

    Hey! how are you sarah? Em a medical student.. em going to tell you my story.. i just remember the when we had met.. it was the first day of our college. For more then 1 months we both were just staring at each other..One day he just came along and asked me to sumit the form and i did.. after that we were on ours vacations. So on 15 feb i texted him for some reason. He answered me in just one second.. then after sometime he asked me that are you really enagaged? I said no. Its just to keep guys away.. after that he told me about his feelings for me. I was really happy.. he was really possessive about me. Never allowed me to talk to other guys.and i never tired to do it so.. we were toghter for 5 months there was many ups and down. But still we were happy with each other.. but on 31 july we got in a fight which were continued for others 5 months.. he blocked me..i cried alot.. i just tried to approach him through his family members. But still he didnt want to talk to me. So, after that i didnt contact him for 2 months.one day i saw that he unbocked me on whatsapp but still we didnt talked and he blocked me again.. on 9 nov we talked to each other but it was not good enough. He said em interested in someone else.. i asked him that why u have done this to me?? Then again he was changed and said this is the only problem u have that u dont trust me…

    1. Sarah

      Why were you happy because he was really possessive about you, and never allowed you to talk to other guys? You seem to see it as some sort of proof of his love, but it is nothing of the sort. It is a form of abuse. No-one has the right to dictate to anyone else who they may or may not see, or talk to. You are a free woman, and your actions are (or should be) of your own choosing.

      You say there were many up and downs in your relationship: how many ups, and how many downs? The early days of a relationship should be blissfully happy; if they are not, then it is clearly the wrong relationship.

      Now you say this man is blowing hot and cold. Your best course of action is simply not to respond. By doing so, you are giving him exactly what he wants – your attention. Have you heard about No Contact? If not, go here to read up about it.

  9. Leila

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. There was crying on both sides, he told me from the beginning that he still loves me, he just feels that he lost the spark for me and for life in general and he does not see any way out, just to break up. So we eventually broke up. In the last month we didn’t really talk a lot. I messaged him a few times, but nothing pushy or needy. I also apologised to him for hurting him and acting stupid. I told him that I am clear regarding my problems and I am working hard on improving myself and I really am. I’ve changed a lot, losing him made me realise so many things. His answers were nice in a way, but when I asked him how he is doing, he just ignored it. Today I sent him a message telling him that I can’t just cut him out of my life and I can’t just bottle up my feelings and pretend that he doesn’t even exist and told him that I would like him to think about giving us another chance to start fresh. He messaged me back, sent me a video that he made with a few of our pictures, and told me he made them to keep him warm on cold days, then he suggested that we meet at catch up. I am really very confused. Please help me 🙂

    1. Sarah

      You say your boyfriend has lost the spark, not just for you but for life in general. Why is this? It’s quite common for men to withdraw from their relationships when they have a problem, so that they can work on solving it. If he can get on top of whatever is bothering him, then he will feel more optimistic about life in general. But all you can do is be patient. Unless he actually asks for your help (which sounds unlikely), you should leave to him to sort himself out. Men usually prefer it that way, which is probably why he ignored you when you asked how he was doing.

      But now he says he wants to see you, so perhaps he has made some progress with his issues. So why not meet and catch up? But don’t be angry or demanding, because that will only drive another wedge between you. If he is ready to talk, let him. Otherwise, just enjoy seeing each other again, and letting him see the changes you have made while you’ve been apart.

  10. Nae

    my boyfriend broke up with me almost a week ago but i miss him a lot. i want to see if we could fix things and possibly get back together. Since the break up, he keeps coming up to me when I was with friends and talking to me about things regarding the relationship. He’s done this about three times this week so is it possible that he’s feeling guilty? if so what can I do to get him back. The reason he broke up with me is because his best friend really liked me and got mad that we were together.

    1. Sarah

      With whom does your boyfriend’s loyalty lie? With you? Or with his best friend? He seems confused.

      Unless you have previously had a relationship with his friend, there is no reason for him to feel guilty. The problem may be rooted in the dynamics of their friendship; especially if the friend has the stronger personality and has tended be the leader in their friendship. That would explain why he is now so affronted that you didn’t choose him.

      Your boyfriend has to choose which person he wants to put first; you or his friend. I hope he chooses you, as it would be unhealthy for him to be so dominated by a friend that he allows that friend to sabotage his other relationships. But only your boyfriend can decide.

      1. Nae

        his friend liked me but i turned him down twice. he asked me to give him a chance so i did. his friend got mad and broke up with me. so i dated his best friend since i had feelings for him way before i ever knew the one that i was in a relationship with. now he seems like he wants me back and i’m not sure what to do because i want him too.

      2. Nae

        my exes friendship is kinda weird because he’s the one that always get the girls and it’s like a love triangle in a sense because the younger one liked me but i liked the older one who ultimately became my bf

  11. In limbo

    We dated for 3 years and he ended the relationship to basically sow his wild oats because of doubts and wanting to gain independence. “If were meant to be then we’ll be together” It’s been 2 months. My ex calls to check in and see how I am. Also texts to do the same as well. We went 2 weeks without speaking before I met up with him last week to catch up (my idea) and he was so incredibly sweet and affectionate and we ended up sleeping together even though he told me he was enjoying us kissing and hanging out and misses me but he still isn’t sure if he’s ready. Brought up good memories the whole time and it was as if we never broke up. He actually just called me from his business trip to say hi and that he wants to hang out when he gets back..This break/breakup has been full of mixed signals from him and I’m not sure what he wants..sex or a relationship. He can’t have one without the other. Help!

    1. Sarah

      No, he shouldn’t have one without the other. But that’s what you are giving him. So stop it, right now. If he wants to sew his wild oats, it can’t be with you, because you are too vulnerable. It’s time to cut him off, so that he is forced to decide whether or not he wants you. Be prepared for him to decide he doesn’t. Better that than that you should go on in a friends with benefits situation (did you realize that’s what it’s really become?) indefinitely.

      1. In Limbo

        This has all been so confusing. He acted like my boyfriend again that night. Calling me our nicknames for each other and being so loving. I think he’s also using me as an emotional crutch, he texted me that he’s depressed and didn’t know why. He would never say this to his friends. I’m being strung along. Do I initiate no contact again or do I hang out with him and tell him that he can’t be like that and not be my boyfriend? He’s coming back from his business trip today. I forgot to mention we’re 23 so that is why the whole sewing oats and independence thing was a reason for this “break” that I didn’t want.

        1. Sarah

          I think you already know what you should do – NOT have sex with him. If you do hang out together, then you need to build some distance between you, while retaining (or if necessary, rebuilding) the attraction between you (this post might help with this). Either he wants to be a relationship with you, or he wants to sew his wild oats. You can’t force him to choose you, but you CAN make sure he isn’t having his cake and eating it too (this post might help here). That is completely in YOUR control.

  12. Jennifer

    My ex of 4 years broke up with me about almost a month and a half ago.

    He told me: “He wasn’t ready to be in a relationship right now” and that he still wanted me to be in his life so of course he says: “I just want friend right now. And you being a part of that, really means a lot to me, really.” The next day he added me on Facebook and liked one of my posts and then texts me asking how I’ve been. We texted for a while and the conversation went pretty well. He wanted the conversation to keep going and he’s been doing that quite a lot. I try not to text him all the time, I give it about 2 weeks until I shoot him another text and he seems to be pretty engaged. Anyway, recently he asked how my birthday weekend went and we talked a lot about music. He brought up the 3 CD albums I had bought him last Christmas and he said that whenever I get the chance if I wanted to borrow one of his albums that I am welcome to borrow them anytime. I then suggested maybe we could listen to some of the albums I recently bought at the record store and he said he thought that was a great idea. So I don’t know if it was a good sign what he’s been doing or he’s just been treating me like a friend but like two days ago I recently found out my stupid parents called him to ask him to stop talking to me and he told them that he respect their wishes and told them what he had decided with me and that’s it of what I’ve heard about him. I don’t know what to do. I hate when my parents decide something cruel like that. What do I do? I need your help.

    1. Sarah

      Your parents probably had the best motives (i.e. what they saw as your best interests), but if you are an adult then they really have no right to interfere. It’s not a wise move, either, since, as you say, you resent it. However, it seems your boyfriend does not want a serious relationship right now, and trying to convince him otherwise would be a mistake. Men often have a timeline for how relationships fit into their lives (you can find out more about that here). The best thing for you now is to practice No Contact.

  13. Nicole

    We hug sometimes when we meet up and he says he doesn’t hate me, he is hot and cold and a girl asked him out two weeks after we split, he admitted he still loved me and called me baby girl, and said he missed me and everything was horrible without me and he said he still loved me with all his heart and said that I was the one not his new girlfriend, then he writes me a letter saying goodbye and he hopes I have a better future, and says 2016 was a great year I’m confused idk if he loves me or not

    1. Sarah

      It sounds as if he’s having some regrets and probably some second thoughts, which most people do after a breakup. At the moment he seems to think that the breakup was the right thing for him, but it’s likely that he’ll go on wavering over it. Try practicing no contact and give him a chance to really miss you.

  14. Jessica

    My boyfriend does some of these things, but if I suggest meeting up, even just for coffee, he says he doesn’t think it would be a good idea. What should I do?

    1. Sarah

      Give him more time. He’s probably still wavering, which is why he retreats whenever you try to come towards him. Let him make the first move (and understand that this will need patience from you).

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