It’s been said that in the technological age you can never really break up with an ex – because you’re too connected. Emails, social media and above texting keeps us in touch in a way that previous generations would have found almost bizarre. And there lies the temptation. It’s so, so easy to give in to a sudden impulse to text your ex – after all, you used to do it all the time. Old habits may die hard, but new habits must be learned if you want to get your ex back. Texting can be a minefield for old flames (to find out how to text your ex back effectively, go here). So here are some text messages you should never send to your ex.
1. “I Miss You.”
Maybe he’s been wondering, maybe he’s been missing you too, but now he needn’t wonder any more.
You miss him. You love him. You want him back. There’s no panic; if he wants to change his mind, he can. Relax. Chill. Everything’s cool.
That might seem a lot to read into one little text, but that’s the kind of thing that will go through his mind if – when – you TELL him you miss him.
So don’t
Whatever your reason for sending such a text, it’s a bad idea. Missing him is something that will melt his heart and make him feel good when you are a couple. But after a breakup the one thing you shouldn’t do is let him know that you’re unhappy.
That’s what friends are for. Cry in private, smile in public.
2. A String of Expletives
You’re angry.
You, him, your failed relationship, the breakup. Everything is swirling around your head and you want to let it all go in one glorious, furious rant. Name-calling, profanities, expletives, why not release it all a single stream of invective – and send it to HIM?
This kind of thing can be cathartic. So write that letter telling him what a complete douchebag he is, how you wouldn’t cross the road to say hello to him, how glad you are that it’s over. Tell him exactly how you really feel about things and get it all off your chest.
But just don’t, whatever you do, send it to him.
(For the complete lowdown on what not to do after a breakup, go here.)
3. A Complete List of Everything He Did Wrong
This is the string of expletives respectable twin.
I’m not going to rant, you tell yourself, and you don’t. Instead you compose an exquisitely detailed list of every grudge you hold against him. All the times he didn’t call, all the times he was late, that time your cousin Joanie flirted with him and he didn’t give her the brush-off she deserved, everything that made you simmer with a rage which you tried to suppress at the time.
Don’t try and tell yourself it’s constructive criticism. There’s a time for talking about what went wrong, but it isn’t now and it’s NEVER something you should do via text.
4. Song Lyrics
You’re passing by his house – purely coincidently of course – and your song comes on the radio.
It’s a sign! It must be!
So you text “Just heard our song!” And then you add a couple of lines for good measure, and press send.
It’s not a sign, especially when you have been driving in circles past his house for the last hour. Of course you shared special songs that will always remind you of him, but they are not a signal for you to contact him. When you are still raw from the breakup they are a sign that you should turn the radio off.
One day you will be able to enjoy the nostalgia they bring and the happy memories they evoke. But not now.
And how will you feel if he doesn’t respond? Even worse.
5. “Remember When…”
You’ve been thinking of the good old days when you were together, or you pass the restaurant where you went on your first date. And you can’t resist the temptation to share your memories with him.
And so you send him a text beginning ‘Remember when…’
There is a time for the ‘Remember when’ text, but not when the breakup is still raw. You don’t know how he is feeling at this moment: he might be busy or he might still be harboring very negative thoughts about your relationship.
You need to have built some rapport with your ex before they will be susceptible to the words ‘remember when’, so keep it in the back of your mind for later. It could be very powerful if you use it at the right time. To find out more about how to use this powerful text effectively, go here.
6. The ‘Just Give Me Some Attention’ Text
There are many, many variants of this text, but they are all saying the same thing: “Please pay attention to me’. And that’s exactly why you shouldn’t send them.
It’s a big mistake to be a supplicant. And that’s what you are when you send this kind of text. When you do text your ex you need to be in control (go here to find out more about this). And that means sounding cool and making it easy for him to respond. Here are some examples of the kind of ‘Please, please respond’ text messages you should never send to your ex.
The text that doesn’t say anything such as ‘Hi!’, ‘What’s up?’ or ‘How’s it going?’
This is the kind of word fluff that tells him you just can’t stop thinking about him and you hope he’s thinking about you too.
The ‘I saw your friend the other day’ text
What good will it do to tell him something his buddy probably told him already?
The ‘Did I leave some of my stuff at your place?’ text
You would know if you did, and he would have told you himself anyway. It’s a classic excuse to try to see him one more time.
The ‘Happy Birthday’ text
Another transparent excuse just to contact him hoping that remembering his birthday will rub out all the bad things that happened between you.
The ‘accidently on purpose’ text
Sending a text clearly meant for someone else isn’t likely to work unless it’s something you did regularly when you were together; in which case perhaps you should try to be a bit more organized. But trying to make him jealous by thanking him for the ‘great night’ or the ‘lovely flowers’ that he didn’t send or spend with you isn’t going to fool him. It’s far too transparent.
It’s also a bit manipulative. And that’s not a desirable quality in anyone.
7. “Can We Still Be Friends?”
This is not something you should ever say to your ex unless you really don’t want to get him back, because it isn’t going to end well.
If you want him back then friendship will never be enough. It will be painful to try to maintain a tepid relationship with someone for whom you still cherish strong feelings, and you could easily end up in the friend zone. Or even worse, a friend with benefits. It’s tragic how many women continue to sleep with their exes hoping for a reconciliation, only to see what remains of their relationship crumble away to nothing.
It’s hard to accept that there is nothing you can salvage from a relationship to which you have given so much. And friendship might be possible in the future, when you have accepted that it’s over and are at peace with it.
But give it some time. Who knows how you’ll feel in a month or two?
8. “I Love Your New Profile!”
There are rules for using Facebook to get you ex back, and one of them is that you should not be using social media to check up on your ex (go here to find out more about this).
You certainly hope that he will be looking at your social media posts, so don’t unfriend him. And use them to paint a positive picture of how well you are moving on from the breakup (go here to find out how). But never let him think you are checking up on him.
You’re too busy and having too good a time for that.
9. Anything Suggesting or Inciting Jealousy
By keeping away from your ex’s social media pages you won’t know how many pictures of new women he has been posting. But it’s still possible you might run into him in the street, and that he will be accompanied by a glamorous new woman.
Of course you will be polite. And you won’t make assumptions or ask any leading questions. Remember, you’ve broken up. He can see whom he likes.
And you won’t text him either asking if he is dating again, or if that was his new girlfriend, however much you want to know. Nor will you say you’ve heard that he’s engaged and ask him if it’s true. Among the text messages you should never send to your ex is anything that suggests you can still feel jealous about other women. You don’t want him to know how much power he still has over you.
Nor should you text him to say you’re dating again, or that you’ve met a fantastic new man, or that you’re so happy that now you can sleep with whoever you like. There ways you can use jealousy to help get your boyfriend back (go here to find out more), but you need to be subtle. And if you really have moved on with someone new, why should you need to tell him at all?
If you’re really over him then it won’t matter to you what he thinks.
10. Suggesting He Comes Over to Your Place
Getting him back will mean you will have to meet up again sometime (go here to find out more about that). But when you do it will be for a short date in a public place. You are looking for a commitment, not a hook-up. So never suggest he comes over to your place, as you know how it is likely to end.
Even if you think you are over him and that you would enjoy one last fling, you’re playing with fire. You loved him once. And who knows what feelings would be reawakened if you end up sleeping with him again?
This is something you might be more tempted to do if you’ve been drinking. So make it an unbreakable rule never to call or text your ex when you are drunk. The likelihood that you will do or say something you regret is much too high.
And no, he doesn’t need to come to your birthday party and find himself accidently on purpose the last to leave. Or join you for drink because you happen to be in a bar on the next block. When you see him again you need to get it right and that means planning carefully, not suggesting you meet up on the spur of the moment because you’re feeling lonely (go here to find out more about that).
Call your friend. Call your mother. But don’t call him.
11. “Why Aren’t You Texting Me Back?!”
So you’ve sent every single forbidden text above and he hasn’t replied. Surprise! So you go all in with ‘WHY AREN’T YOU TEXTING ME BACK?’ and maybe chuck in a few more expletives for good measure.
If he’s hasn’t responded to any of your previous texts, why do you think he would respond to this, except perhaps to tell you exactly where you can go, probably very crudely. You should never, ever send that kind of text to an ex. Letting them know just how much they are getting under your skin won’t help you in the slightest (go here to find out more about the kind of breakup mistakes you need to avoid).
Remember you’ve broken up. Your ex is not obliged to reply to you and he’s already made it quite clear that he’s not in the mood to hear from you. Take the hint and STOP.
12. “Can We Try Again?”
This is probably the only text that is even worse than the one above. The time to talk about trying again is still a long way away. And if you ever reach it (go here to find out how you can), then it’s something you will talk about face to face, together.
Saying you’re sorry is a watered-down version of this text, although not quite so unwise. But the time to apologize for anything you did wrong is when he is prepared to listen – and this is not that time. And when people are very upset they often overdo the apologies and include things that are really not their fault, just to prove how sincere they are.
And that’s not a good idea either. Don’t take the blame for his transgressions. He won’t respect you for it.
So Where Do You Go From Here?
If you’ve already sent one (or more) text messages you should never send to your ex, then don’t despair (but do stop). If you want to get your ex back then you first need to move on from the breakup, and sending these kind of texts is stopping you from doing that.
Of course it’s hard to let go. But you do need to reach a certain equilibrium before you can make a serious attempt to rebuild your relationship. And even if he is still speaking to you it won’t help to give him a hard time when you do. Remember that after a breakup he doesn’t owe you anything.
This is true whether he was the one to break up with you or not.
When you communicate with your ex you need to think positive. You don’t want him to groan or shudder whenever you name pops up on his phone, and it will take time, patience and skill to change that (go here to find out how). So don’t send negative texts. It’s self-defeating.
Reflect Before You Text
Remember that your judgement isn’t at its best right now, especially when it comes to your ex.
If you’re in doubt, don’t send it out!
Practice no contact for a few weeks before speaking to him again. And when you do, avoid anything that will make him feel annoyed, guilty or ashamed. Nobody enjoys feeling like that and that’s why he probably won’t respond.
There’s a much better way to get your ex back, one which avoids all these pitfalls and shows how to use texts in a positive way. A way which creates all the right feelings in your ex’s heart and makes him want to reach out to you again.
Find out more about it here.