So you’ve been conscientiously following the No Contact rule for several weeks and then – wham! Right out of the blue, your ex contacts you.

What do you do?

Well, the No Contact rule is essential for women who want to get their boyfriends back, but it is not a straightjacket. And if your ex contacts you during the No Contact period, it’s fine to respond. (For everything you need to know about the No Contact rule, visit this page.)

Don’t be taken in by the idea that the No Contact rule is inflexible. If your boyfriend calls (or texts, or emails), you shouldn’t ignore him. Actually it’s a great sign. It shows that No Contact is working, and that your ex is thinking of you.

In fact, this is your chance to show him how well you are doing. But how you respond depends on how your ex contacts you.

If He Texts or Emails

If your ex contacts you by text or email, don’t respond immediately. Yes, I know you’ve been waiting weeks just for that, but he mustn’t suspect it. You’re not spending your days checking your texts and emails, at least as far as he’s concerned. You’re much too busy for that.

So leave it at least 3 hours before replying to a text, and 24 hours for an email. And when you do, make sure you follow these rules (for the complete rules to follow when getting your ex back with text messages, go here).

Keep your message short

You haven’t got enough time to send a long message, and you certainly don’t want to tell him everything you’ve been doing. But dropping in a bit about some recent highlight in your life is great. Make it just enough to intrigue him, so that he wants to know more.

Sound happy and carefree

Even if you still cry over him every night, you must sound happy and upbeat in your texts. Use capitals, exclamation marks, emoticons; whatever is in character to show how excited you are about your life. It’s a great idea to be prepared in advance, so whenever you do something interesting or fun, make a mental note to use it in future texts to your ex.

Make sure you end the conversation

Don’t keep up a dialogue, texting back and forth until you run out of things to say. When he replies, say you’re out with friends or going into a meeting and you’ll talk later. If he doesn’t reply, then it was just a “fishing” message, and you should ignore him if he messages you again in a few days. Let him text 2 or 3 times before you reply again. Make him work for your attention.

For more tips about using text messages to get your ex back, visit this page.

If He Calls

If your ex contacts you by phone, you need to be careful. Think of talking on the phone as a high risk strategy. It’s all too easy for a live conversation to veer off-piste and end in disaster.

If you feel confident enough to handle it, it’s OK to answer. Sound happy to speak to him, and make it clear you’re doing fine. Keep the conversation brief, and above all, avoid talking about the past. If he gets angry or emotional, excuse yourself immediately and say you have to go.

As with messaging, make sure you end the conversation first.

If you don’t think you can handle a call yet, then don’t answer. Instead, just text him back in about an hour. Say you’re sorry to have missed him but you’ve haven’t time to talk today. Say that you hope all is well, and you’ll talk later.

Leave Him to Contact You Again

You may think that, as he contacted you first this time, you should be the one to text first next time.


In this situation, it should always be your ex contacts you. Even if you told him you’d call him later, don’t. Wait for him to call or text you. You don’t want him to think you were so overwhelmed by one message from him that now you are his to command.

He will value you the more for how hard he has to work for you. So don’t make it too easy.

Keep the Emotional Temperature Cool

Avoid all possible drama.

That means not discussing your past relationship, or who you or he is dating now. If he tries to do any of this, steer the conversation back to safe, happy subjects, or end the call completely. Don’t drop hints about the men you are seeing. Deliberately trying to make him jealous will just make you look desperate. The jealousy tool is best left to your Facebook page (for more about that, visit this page).

Above all don’t let him needle or upset you. Make sure you stay in control of the conversation.

So if your ex contacts you during the No Contact period, accept it as something positive and use it to your advantage. Follow these rules to make sure your plan stays on track. If you want to know more about how to handle talking to your ex, then go here.

This Post Has 118 Comments

  1. Looking for help

    My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago and we had been together for 2 and 1/2 years. He told me that he just wanted to be by himself and work on himself. He said that he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He said that he really does love me it’s just that he feels like I deserve more. He hopes that we can get back together later just not right now. He has never had a relationship that lasted this long with so much compatibility. His past girlfriends have cheated on him. I think this is his way of ending the relationship before something like that can happen again. Now of course I begged for a few days but he was really set on his decision. He wanted to just stay friends and I tried it but at the end of the day we were still acting and doing things like a couple. So I decided to start no contact like three days ago. I did this because I didn’t like how he had control of the situation and in a way I was expected to just wait on him. I had already explained to him that it’s hurts talking to him and pretending that everything was okay when it wasn’t. He has called me once every day to see if I’ll pick up but I haven’t. When we were together we called each other and texted everyday. I’m not sure what to do because doesn’t everyone want to hear from their ex? I just thought it was too soon to answer if the reason we broke up was to “grow”. You can’t change that fast. I’ve always had this “life is too short to wait” mentality. I really do want him back I just don’t want to get back together and the same thing happens. Like you said I think he needs to see that I can be happy without him. Even if he texted me tomorrow “I want you back” I think I would still like to start over as friends now and ease our way back in. Of course I love him so much and would hate to see him with someone else, I just no longer feel desperate to get back with him so soon like when he first broke up with me. What do you think I should do?

    1. Sarah

      I think you should continue with the no contact for now and start building a new life for yourself. Don’t let him think you are ready to wait for him to decide whether or not you can get back together some day. Make it clear that it’s not just for him to decide. You are right in not wanting to give him so much power over you.

  2. Anica

    My ex and I usually break when we fight but for only a day and we will try to fix it.. but last week we had an argument again then he blocked me in whatsapp and facebook in which he does a lot and i called him he said that he was irritated with me thats why he did it. But to be honest, im like that all the time to him bombarding him messages.. now that he blocked me in all soc med.. i tried to go to their house he showed up and said that lets just talk some other time, but i said no i want to fix it now but hes not willing he said i hurted him a lot cause i always say things i didnt mean.. so i end up walking away..and he sent me a message in whatsapp saying that hes sorry that he cant do it anymore, like he was thanking me for all the memories and i am free now and hes sorry for the disappointment and stress that he gave me whenever we are fighting.. i replied to him to just erase all our convos and i hope he will find someone better and told him that thats my last time going to their house to fix our relationship. then he replied with ok only. from then on we had no contact rule.. he blocked me on whatsapp, ignored me on facebook, and he hides now all his fb friend list (he knows im always checking). but i still didnt respond i didnt message him for 5 days same with him. then after the 6th day i called him and he picked my call, i asked him what hes been doing how is he and he said he just making himself busy, (he sounds happy and even laugh a bit) and he asked why i called i said if he didnt miss me? and he responded differently and he said he needs to go back to work before someone caught him up picking up calls then i said to him to unblock me, he replied ok later he will do it. till now its been 1 day, im waiting for him to unblock me.. what can u advise should i reach out to him again? Do you think he already get over me and moved on?

    1. Sarah

      Have a look at this article so that you don’t make any more mistakes.

  3. Janis

    Hi Sara!
    Thanks in advance for your time and support 🙂

    My bf broke up with me but at the time of the break up I also gave him several reasons why things could be different and I saw my mistakes. He said he would think about it but for now wasn’t open to It and loved me very much but didn’t feel our energies aligned and he wasn’t happy in the relationship.
    But that we would always have a lot of care for each other.
    This was about a month and a half ago.
    We also have business together so we kinda had to keep the communication. I eventually made sure to transition it just for business communication, so last week he messaged me saying he missed me, that our talk was all business now and that he missed “his friend” (did I just get friend zoned??) and so we should suspend our business side until that part gets back again and that he was craving us talking and sharing things he feels only I would understand. And then he kept texting everyday about silly friendly things, never did the call, and kinda starts the text threads but then leaves and doesn’t reply until next day.
    He is a cancer and I hear for cancers to get back they start of with friendship and it’s really important to them.
    But I am not sure if not doing full no contact is harming our chances. Or if closing the door to this friendship is closing the door to this slow typical cancer poking out of the shell opportunity. I feel like either option I might be messing up my opportunity.
    Specially since we can’t fully do no contact because of business. But with business talk he doesn’t see my warmth and feminine side and I become just a buddy.
    Basically I don’t know what to do. What do you think?

  4. Kiara

    My ex and I broke up like 3 weeks ago. We’ve been on contact since he insisted on us staying as friends. I was okay with the idea of being friends but it became confusing when he was acting like we are still a couple. I asked him why he is still acting like we are a couple and he said he likes how happy we are currently and he doesn’t want to complicate things. I asked him he still has feelings he said that he still has feelings but he doesn’t want commitment at the moment. In short we were starting to become FWBs since we were having a sexual relationship as “friends”. I don’t want to be his friends with benefit because I still have feelings for him and want him back. I also recently found out that he was lying to me during our relationship about other girls. I feel so betrayed about it. He keeps on contacting me but ever since I found out about the lies I’ve been cold towards him on the phone which has made him ask me what’s wrong and if I’m okay. Today when he called I told him I don’t want to talk about it and then ended the call. I want to go no contact because I need to process this whole breakup but I also want to confront him and tell him I know all about the lies and the other girls. I also want to tell him that I don’t want to be his FWB. However, I’m scared that confronting him won’t makes sense we are no longer together but I’m also scared if I go no contact without communicating considering we are on talking terms will be very rude. What should I do?

    1. Sarah

      Tell him calmly but firmly that you’re not happy being friends with benefits and that without a commitment you can only be friends. Then give him some time to think about it without putting more pressure on him. At the moment it’s all give on your side and all take on his, which is very unfair to you.

  5. Joshua

    Hi. My ex and I part ways about 7 months ago, but I continue sending her messages and all, showing how desperate and needy I am. And when she replies she tells me how she hated me and how hurt she is to what I did. And now, just 1 day, I decided to start doing no contact, but I tried to tell her that I need to think things through. And after few hours, She messaged me saying she hated me and I should not come back anymore that every doors to our relationship is closed. And then followed up with saying she wants me to do my best and hope for the best for me. What should I do? Should I reply?

    1. Sarah

      Better to follow the plan and keep up the no contact.

  6. Ash

    I broke up with my girlfriend 4 days ago. Because I felt she was not making time for me or the relationship. I read a lot online and I pretty sure what I was feeling and Its not the first time I have broken up with her about this but the next day we usually are able to talk it through and fix things and plan to make changes. I feel that I have made changes to the request she wants, however she feels that I didn’t make those changes. But she never made changes for me.
    So we recently became long distance after a year and half together. I wanted for her to make time free of distractions so we could connect. Her comments have been we text all the time, we talk every night before I go to bed. I told her this is not what I need. Long distance was not going to survive weeks of how are you? what did you do today? This is what I did. what is your plans tomorrow?. She talked about the quantity of communication, for me it was about the quality. I found it hard to communicate this for change.
    Eventually she would say that we need to make time for each other but how am I suppose to make plans when on both of our days off she makes plans with friends/family and the free time she has is late evening/night. One of the things she would say was give her space to be with her friends/family. I didn’t want to repeat she’s running late needs to change times or the pressure she said she felt to get back and talk to me on time.
    This has been going on for months. I reached my point repeatedly. I am not without fault. And I have been doing some work on myself and will continue to do so.
    I was suppose to start the no contact but for the next couple days after the break I felt real heartbreak. It was unreal the feeling. I never told her I wanted to get back together. I am open to communication. I think she thinks its over for me. It told her its not over. I did try to fight for her, almost begging. I was struggling to let her go even after a video chat I could see hurt and love in her eyes. She has said she’s not happy, that its over but she never blocked me or deleted me on anything. 4 days later and she is open to communication. I have said when she is ready. So I have now started the no contact. Giving he the power.
    I am owning up to my part but I do not think she will ever own up to hers. Its hard to explain. the reason I love her was the emotional which came first then came the physical. As I do more reading and searching I am starting to think maybe its not worth saving. How do we talk about it when she contacts me?

    1. Sarah

      You make her sound rather selfish but perhaps she is just immature (and of course I don’t know her side of the story). But it is perfectly reasonable to expect her to put aside time for your relationship and she doesn’t seem to be doing that, which suggests that it is not a priority for her. Instead she chucks it in whenever she has bit of spare time between all the socializing. Do her family and friends like you? Or would they be happy if the time she spends with them would keep her her away from you? Does she control how she spends her time or is she easily swayed by other people who want her to do this, that and the other? Because there is an underlying suggestion of a woman being pulled in several directions at once and unwilling or unable to decide what she wants to do and stick to it.

  7. Karen

    Hello, I was in LDR with my boyfriend and he broke up with me 2 months ago, the day of the break up I begged and told him to give me a chance since I struggle to control my temper, he said he just wanted understanding and acceptance since he’s a very sensitive person, and got hurt by my temper when he told/shared things he likes with me, after the day of the break up I started NC and yesterday he called me but I wasn’t online at that time, what should I do? this could be considered a “breadcrumb”?

    1. Sarah

      It could but you should play it cool. Go here to find out more about texting.

  8. Shawn

    Hi Sarah, just so heartbroken right now, I dont know what to do. Me and my ex broke up roughly 2 weeks ago and i’ve been doing the no contact rule. We’ve been together for 3 years, we had an argument and then all of a sudden she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, she mentioned a lot of reasons which made no sense so I begged and begged but said she needed space and time to think so I gave her that. We broke up October 8, I begged for days after that then stopped replying on October 17. She then texted me October 18, like nothing happened and wanted me back. But I didn’t reply. She then deleted those messages and haven’t messaged since. I’ve been wanting to talk to her, but I also wanted to feel that she still loves me like she is afraid to lose me because during those times I begged it felt she didnt want me anymore. It was horrible and now this confusing chat that “lets fix it” that was it, should I send her a message? I feel as though she doesn’t love me anymore but maybe confused that’s why she’s doing this, I don’t know Sarah I love her so much but I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who can just throw me away like that. Im so heartbroken right now.

    1. Sarah

      “…during those times I begged it felt she didn’t want me anymore” – I’m afraid that’s probably true. And if you can try to imagine the scene in reverse, having her beg you to stay wouldn’t make her more attractive, would it? (Go here to learn more about that.)

      Instead of begging it would have been better to talk to her about those reasons she gave you. Try to step back from your fear of losing her and listen to what was making her unhappy and why she wanted to leave. That she was willing to tell you her reasons was a positive thing, and if you want to repair the relationship then that is where you need to start.

  9. Mari

    My ex broke up with me about a month ago. This was our first break up, and throughout the break up he keeps sending me hot and cold feelings. One day he’s talking about wanting to be with me, then he’s angry. I am going to start trying the No Contact Method, although we have been talking every day since the break up and I know he’ll probably be frustrated when I stop contacting him first out of nowhere… How will I deal with that? Especially when I am exhausted of chasing him and feeling sorry for pushing him away. Also, I tend to get quiet when I am uncomfortable about him talking about females he hangs out with, how would I avoid having conversations like that when he knows it bothers me?

    1. Sarah

      Stop exhausting yourself chasing him and look at this article to find out how men feel during no contact.

  10. Coco

    My ex broke up with me for the umpteenth time 2 weeks ago but this time he said, I love you but I have to let you go. We had just reconnected again and things were going great. I had started developing feelings again and he was showing those same feelings. So before I allowed my emotions to grow deeper with him again, I wanted to know if we were on the same page. So i asked are you feeling the same thing I’m feeling? Well he had some other things going on in his life that was stressing him out. He shared with me a month or so prior that he attempted suicide but he never told me why. He just became angry with me saying why do I make everything about me?! I wasn’t. My focus was in him but I had to protect myself first. When he broke up 2 weeks ago, I lost it. I told him let’s not make this decision out of anger and give each other space to think. I broke down and sent him a text 4 days later checking on him. Then another 3 days later. He respond saying “leave me be”. So i did.
    Well just last night I called him. It was late and i knew he was asleep so he didn’t answer and I didn’t leave a message. However, I woke up this morning to a “?” text from him. The fact that after 2 weeks he responded made my day, but now I don’t know how to respond. I want him back and I think he does too. There’s so much advice online that it’s confusing on what I should do next.

    1. Sarah

      You say he attempted suicide, or least told you that he did, but didn’t tell you why. That is an enormous red flag. Well-balanced, mentally healthy people do not attempt to kill themselves, and people who are genuinely that close to despair need and should seek professional help. But unfortunately there are people who will threaten suicide in order to manipulate people or relationships. Your account describes a man who blows hot and cold and I’m sorry to say seems to be stringing you along.

      You also say he broke up with you ‘for the umpteenth time’, yet you still want him back. Why, when he has already messed you around for 6 years? My advice would be to walk away. It’s not a moment too soon.

  11. Mike

    Hi, so it happens I decided to break up with my girlfriend of 9 months whom I’ve know for 15 years as friend due to the fact that I felt something was wrong due to her funny behavior like she was seeing someone else. On break up day I asked for her to drop of some of my stuff I’d left with to which she replied that she’d do so if she got the time to which she didn’t. I went no contact and on the 14th day started receiving calls from a private number to which I ignored. She then called me with her mobile number to which I ignored and later on the 16th day sent a text asking me where I can be found so that she could send someone to drop off my stuff to which I didn’t reply. Funny thing is that she went to my home to drop of the stuff (glad I wasn’t there) without even informing me/my knowledge. So I get back home and mum tells me that ‘she’ was just around and if we met on the way of which we didn’t. Haven’t contacted her about getting my stuff since I feel that radio silence is good for me to get on with my life and she hasn’t contacted me since. What’s the scenario. Please help. Thank you

    1. Sarah

      It doesn’t sound as if you want her back so you’re not really doing no contact, are you? Not if you don’t want to see or speak to her again. Perhaps she’s not happy about the relationship ending as it did. Did you tell her why you were ending it, or did you just ghost her?

  12. Amir

    Hello my ex girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago our relationship lasted 9 months and the reason was because we were on a vacation and i was going through alot my dad and mom both got really sick and instead if telling my gf what happened i kept for myself and that anger reflected on her badly the only reason i didnt want to tell her is not to ruin her mood during this vacation but me holding it in and not telling her made me another person of how i trteated her i was short tempered and always treating her in a harsh way and i did a mistake by trying to change her mind when she said she wants to break up but at the end i respected her decision and agreed to what she wanted after that she asked me to be friends and i rejected and that got her really upset right now iam 3 days into no contact
    if she contacts me should i reply in a normal respective way ?
    and after the 30 days no contact rule what should i do?

    1. Sarah

      Try talking to her. She probably feels you’re not listening to her, or if you are you aren’t hearing her properly. Talking is very important to women; make time for that in your relationship and it may well be much happier. This article has more on that.

  13. Kelly

    We’ve been broken up for a month and the first 3 weeks I begged and chased. I stopped a week ago and he had a panic and I called him out and then told me that we shouldn’t speak again. It’s been a week NC the longest it’s been and I don’t know what to expect. Will he contact me?

    1. Sarah

      If you spent 3 weeks chasing him after the breakup then he will probably find a period of silence from you to be welcome. Go here to learn more about breakup mistakes. It’s only been a week. You need to give him longer to come round.

  14. Sara

    My ex came back with confusing messages. what should I do?

    Our break up was about 3 weeks ago. I was very active in this relationship and the only thing I asked was more attention from him. (from the beginning we didn’t have this issue). When I started talking about this he always said that he was who he was and couldn’t change. The only thing I was asking was to send me a message during the day 🙂 Finally, I asked him if he wanted this relationship or not – his answer was that he loved me but was not sure if he wanted this or not. I decided and started doing NO contact. It’s almost 3 weeks and he already texted me twice. The first time he texted me “ Go and sleep “:))) and the week after only smile and nothing meaningful. I miss him so much and I am so afraid of losing him, but what can I do? Shall I answer this kind of message, or wait for something meaningful? He is kind of a peter pan man and I know his effort is minimal in everything, but still.

    1. Sarah

      Maybe he’s unsure what he wants: he likes you and yet… Leave it to him to contact you but don’t sit around waiting for it to happen. Go out and start living.

  15. Elle

    My boyfriend (now ex boyfriend ) and I was dating in a relationship for 6 months and in the past month he hasn’t made a effort to see me when I ask him to meet up . He said his assessment / training at work was stressing him so once it was done he will see me however we got into a argument and he dumped me . After dumping me we was still texting each other and started flirting again over text and he agreed to take me out for my birthday and also speak about if we were going to make a effort to get back together . My birthday arrived and he let me down on my birthday saying his nan was ill . After letting me down he apologised the next day however didn’t mention anything about re-arranging to meet up again . Recently I have been the one asking when we will meet up but he keeps either saying his busy or he will make it up to me once he has sorted his stuff out ? I’m not sure what stuff he meant ? He hasn’t made any effort to contact me recently I am always the one to text first . Should I give him space ? Should I just let go completely ? Was he only saying he was going to take me out on my brithday because he felt guilty but he didn’t really want to see me ? Please help

    1. Sarah

      “He said his assessment / training at work was stressing him so once it was done he will see me however we got into a argument and he dumped me.” That is it in a nutshell. He wanted to concentrate on something important to him but you didn’t like it. That’s understandable, but he doesn’t seem to have been keen enough to argue any more so he ended it (have a look at this article for what not to do after a breakup).

      If you want to repair your relationship you need to pull back and leave it to him to contact you. That may take more time than it would if you weren’t already pursuing him, but if he still wants to be with you he will do so eventually.

  16. Ali

    we were together for more than 3 years, never met her just phone calls and texts. after a year she became uninterested but everytime i asked she said its not the case and she is busy and she just want to be friends but oftenly she used to have romantic conversations but i was the one always making efforts to talk. we had alot of fights and everytime i was requesting her to come back. Once in these years i told her i am leaving and she came back requesting to not leave her and i agreed. otherwise after every argument i used to beg her not to leave me. she didnt use to tell me alot of things about her. 2 weeks ago i asked her why was she ignoring me she said i am not ignoring but i am busy and she also told me that she was just sitting with her friend doing nothing important. i told her to stop playing with me and she said we can only be friends but i rejected that offer and started no contact. just now she texted me and said Hey ..i know i should not be texting you i am sorry but i am concerned about you and just want to know if you are doing okay i said thanks i am okay how are you she said good take care i said you too and she said thanks and the conversation ended
    did i do the right thing ? what does this text from her means ?

    1. Sarah

      You can’t have a relationship with someone you’ve never met. Please stop deceiving yourself and start living in the real world. Get some professional help if you have problems that make it difficult to form real-life relationships. Take it a step at a time. Go out. Make friends. Live your life. Meeting in cyberspace is one thing, but unless you follow it up by meeting in real life within 2 weeks, then it’s better to move on.

  17. Claire

    My ex and i have had a connection for about 10 years now. We have dwindled in and out of each others lives mainly because we’ve been in other relationships but we always always fall back together (despite blocking and making an effort to detach)
    anyway after 7 years, we reconnected again once we both became single.
    i was worried that his short lived relationship history may repeat itself with me, but i lived in hope that because its me and we’ve got a long history, he may try harder with me.
    It was absolutely amazing, he introduced me to his family and he moved quite quick.
    But then he started to distance himself.
    Then he asked for some space.
    I said ok. I didn’t give him an argument, I was understanding and i let him go, I vanished. I did NC.
    Two weeks later, i woke up to messages from him.
    He was upset and said he was struggling without me.
    So we tried again.
    One month later, he distanced himself again.
    Then he said he wasn’t ready for anything right now.
    Again – i didn’t give him an argument, I just said ok, and I vanished again.
    I am fine, I know my worth, i know i deserve better. So before you give me a load of ‘do you really want him to come back? etc…’
    I am highly secure within myself, its just naturally i am curious too.

    its been 8 weeks since the split.
    Ive been living my life and having fun, but he reached out to me on my birthday. But i think he only did this because, he hasn’t removed me from instagram therefore he saw my birthday posts and probably felt like he had to reach out.
    I kept the conversation short and sweet and i ended it.
    its been an additional two weeks NC since then.

    Will he come back? or is it done for good this time?
    Has this ever happened to anyone where the ex has gone, come back again, and then gone again?
    Remember, this man is someone ive known for a long time, this isn’t just someone i met off tinder. We go waaaaay back. Thats why this has been a bit upsetting.

    1. Sarah

      I’m quite prepared to believe that you don’t have issues, but he clearly does; and perhaps if you distanced yourself properly from him you would see that for yourself.

      1. Shana

        Damn that was the best answer to a question ever.

  18. aiciee

    hi there, i did not realize how desperate i was becoming and how much needy i was.. he lost interest and contacted n replied very less which was giving me frustration and one day he said he lost feelings for me and feels empty and wanted to be friends with me, however i wrote my last (long) msg whichh said i would contact him once i am over him, and i blocked him after texting that msg when he was offline. he is my classmate and we cant change classes for 4 years, he avoids eye contact ,so do i. first it was difficult, by looking at his face i was falling in love again, then i stopped looking at him, after more than a week i saw a video of my close female friend casually checking his Blood Pressure in (lab experiment) and suddenly i cried and cried for many hours, idk if it was coz of seeing him witth aanother girl smiling or coz her hand touched his hand ( our relationship was and is a secret from our classmates to avoid rumours ) …then i felt as crying helped me heal but that was a lot of crying. i see him everyday whole day same class.. so i bought new clothes to look good and different, he is a backbencher and i sit in front, yesterday i didnot turn at all and did nt look and i heard his voice near me(i think he sat in front to see my face coz i was not turning n wore new clothes…he has attitude and doesnt look me in the eye n smile and wont talk..he acts as he doesnt has been 17 days since the no contact started and i am going to end it on 21st day..should i? hope u reply me, will he miss me or see other girls or just move on?

    1. Sarah

      Concentrate on your studies (which are much more important) and look for romance elsewhere in future. And try and change your class.

  19. Ada

    Hi, my ex contacted me just two days during the NC thru text, asking how I’m doing? Should I reply or ignore

    1. Sarah

      Say you’re OK but busy at work, or something similar. Don’t ask after him, and don’t even hint that you want to see him. Leave some time before replying.

  20. Ms. M

    Help/Advice Needed

    My ex (male) reached out to me (female) three days of NC from me. 1st Text: Hey Luv, how are you doing? Just checking on you. I replied: I’m doing good, thanks for checking up – it means a lot to me. How was he?
    In summary to this first text he did reply basically saying he was okay. I said wonderful and that was the end.

    The next day he sent me another text. 2nd text: Good morning gorgeous, hoping and praying all is well. ** I am so confused at this point ** but I respond an hour later by saying to him good morning, that my best friend was in labor that
    I’m doing well and hope that he is also. He replied with congrats and I said thank you.

    They next day I initiated contact as we both agree to send each other Christmas gifts to each other. I texted: Good morning, just wanted to ask if he’d received the package as I saw it was delivered the day prior. He quickly replied that I was amazing and that I put a lot of effort into his gift, he was taken aback and said thank you. I replied: you’re welcome and hope he enjoys them (cologne)

    ** An hour later, I texted and said that I wanted to see a movie and asked if he’d be available in the afternoon to meet and see it. He quickly replied that he had to work and given me his work schedule for the evening. I replied: okay – enjoy your day.

    Key Point: I do care about him, I would like to get back together and am confused at this point.

    What do you think his contact meant ??I appreciate you all’s perspective and sorry for the lengthy post.

    1. Sarah

      You were supposed to be doing no contact, but instead YOU are asking HIM for a date! That’s not the way it works! Be patient, and let him do the heavy lifting.

  21. ian

    Hi my partner finished with me after 5 years together. When we started dating she told me that she had low self esteem,, and that she had never been treated well until she met me. Things were good for around 18 months. But she mentioned that I would be better with someone else as she wasn’t good enough and couldn’t give me what I wanted
    I then felt that I was being unfairly treated. She then mentioned that she had three concerns about our relationship, the fact that I didn’t have a job, that I had a Dog and that I was disabled. As she was working she wanted to be financially secure in retirement even though I had been working voluntary for a charity. She also had concerns about my relationship with her daughter. I felt I was being constantly watched which she would mention later on and expect me to explain. Some weekends she didn’t want to see me, but would then mention about doing things in our home for the future, which I used to help her do, as she owned her on home and I didn’t. We had split twice previously but decided to try again and though she had issues, she said I needed to deal with mine to be able for us to move forward. She also wanted to phone me on a particular day but I said that I was going out as I felt that she was trying to control the situation
    Now she has contacted me to arrange to pick my items up from hers after 7 Days until the no contact rule, but would be happy to come to mine. I did phone her to see how she was, she was crying and said she wasn’t coping well but new it was the right thing to do, to end the relationship. I accepted that I asked did she want me to contact her again later in the week to which she agreed. Further more I have agreed to pick my items up from hers in a weeks time as I am going away for a few days with my friends. She says that she still loves me

    1. Sarah

      You say your partner ended the relationship because she couldn’t give you what you wanted. You don’t specify what that was, but since you have already broken up twice before it’s very unlikely that your relationship has any future. She may still love you, but that doesn’t mean she can live with you.

      1. ian

        She said that she couldn’t give me the love I deserved.
        Mentioned a few times that I was better off and had more in common with my friends wife. My friend had passed away earlier in the year. I agreed that the break up was the best thing for both parties, and started the no contract rule. However I have been contacted three times, to which I have replied keeping everything civil. I was invited to Lunch at my ex’s so I could pick my stuff up at the same time, but later declined the offer and confirmed that she was happy to pick up my stuff while she was out. So as to avoid any upset for both parties. After picking my stuff up I received a text stating that I had forgotten some items, and did I want her to drop them off. I politely declined the offer and said that she could keep them. I am now starting the no contact rule again as I feel it is best while things are still raw for both parties to have space.

  22. pranali

    he texted saying i miss you after 19 days of no contact how shall i respond

    1. Sarah

      Did he end the relationship? The point out that it was his decision to leave.

  23. kathleen

    Hiya i done no contact for 19 days and he text me out the blue saying sorry if you felt fucked about or treated badly wasn’t his intention and his sorry and he was over whelmed and stressed with life.

    I wrote back saying I kind of got the impression you was stressed about something In life just wished you would of spoke to me about it was disrespectful what you done ( he ignored me one day and said he was busy with new job and said was over was out the blue )
    he said he always had respect for me and all he can do is say sorry. I said all I done was care and thank you for the apology and Im sorry if I ever came across annoying I just kind of panicked he said please don’t worry about me or other people its not good for you. And I said yeah I guess but I just care.. and put anywayss… to end the convo on a positive.

    Did I do the right thing? and also am I ok to do no contact again? as he was the one who ended it I didn’t so surly he should chase me abit? I don’t want to come across too much of a push over.

    1. Sarah

      Yes, don’t blow him off but don’t make it too easy for him. Wait for him to contact you first again – maybe he already has? You’re quite right to avoid looking too keen.

      1. Kathleen

        Hey Sarah

        His been texting me first since Monday since his apologised and I have been ending the conversation on a high note so far so good coming across not too keen is working

        When’s it likely do you think he will ask to call me or ask to meet me? As his said sorry over text and asking how I am and work stuff like that but i find actions speak much louder than words he could even just be bored ? and doesn’t even want me.

        I don’t want to ask to phone me or call me as I tried that 2 months ago and he didn’t want to meet said he was too stressed with life. He seems abit happier now in his life so do you think he may approach about meeting me?

        I know I have to be patient but it really bugging me haha

        And I really hope I’m not just his second best for whatever reason and he now just wants to speak to me 🙁 I don’t want to be mugged off or used

        1. Sarah

          The way to be sure it’s really what he wants is to wait for him to call. If you call him, you will change the dynamics completely: you will be chasing him. Avoid!

          1. Kathleen

            Thank you Sarah

            It’s been 13 days since he reached out to me and his not asked me to meet him or tried to call me yet

            He is still texting me quiet full on stuff however and is very talkative

            I’m waiting patiently to see if this will happen or if I’m just wasting my time

            I’m still playing it cool and not coming across desperate at all

            1. Sarah

              That’s good. Keep it up.

  24. Liz

    I started no contact 10 days ago! It was hard because i always called or text even begged! This time however i did not. After day 10 he text all the text said was u cant wait till i get there! The 2 yo’s as if he just wanted to get me to answer for the text made no sense! What does this mean?

    1. Sarah

      It sounds as if 10 days of no contact might be getting to him, and he sent the ‘nonsense’ text to try to goad you into replying. Don’t!

  25. Riya

    What if he asks “you dont miss me at all? “

    1. Sarah

      Most reasonably mature people can understand the need to take a break from each other immediately after a breakup. Is your ex a manipulative type of person? Because this is a manipulative type of question.

  26. Alejandra

    My ex broke up with me three and half week ago. When she broke up with me,she told me she loved me, wanted me in her life and didn’t want to break up. But her fears that I would cheat on her and leave her , made it unbearable for her. I did not cheat, nor did I want to leave her. But I knew about these fears and I guess we didn’t communicate wel about it. After a week, I saw a message in a group app and heard her voice. I broke and wrote her a letter where I apologized for letting her feel those fears. I also wanted to know wheter she wanted to continue the break up. So I gave her ultimatum in dates to let me know or to come and get her stuff. The same evening she came to get her stuff. I begged and plead, but she was distant and angry about the ultimatum. Which I understand and regret very much. So I started no contact.
    So one week later after this, two weeks after the break up, it was my birthday and she sent me a message to congratulate me and wishing me a nice day. She also sent a kiss, which she only sents to the person she loves. So I replied with thank you and a kiss back.
    then she blocked me on Facebook Messenger.
    Today suddenly the door bell rang and she was standing there with her sister, I was surprised. She came to get her Phone back,because hers was broke and I had her old one. It was very awkard.
    I apologized for the letter and told her that maybe in time when she will be ready I would like to talk things through. She agreed and said: everything at the right time. She asked me if I wanted to tell her anything else, which I didn’t.
    She told me to be careful with a broken door, and to take care for myself.

    I stayed calm al the time she was here (like 10 minutes) then when she left , I cried and felt sad and confused.
    I really love her and I know what things I should change and work on to be an improved version of myself. I went into therapy since the break -up to work at communication skills in a relationship and to improve my selfworth.
    She on the other hand is also therapy to learn how to deal with her fears and negative thoughts.
    Right now I am confused, why does she drop by without a warning and should I start no contact all over again, or do I need to continue because I am not the one who initiated contact?
    I know she still loves me and is also very emotional and confused, our friends tell me that.

    1. Sarah

      Why did she think you would cheat on her? Had you given her reason to think this, or were her fears completely irrational?

      It’s always unwise to give people ultimatums. It destroys their room for compromise, and inculcates an intense desire to defend their basic freedoms.

      You seem to have put her under considerable pressure. So the best thing you can do is to reduce the pressure by backing away a little. Give her the time and space she needs to see things more clearly.

  27. nwanne

    My guy said he does want to see me again, we did not have any misunderstanding and he blocked me. I called him severally and he refused to pick my calls. When he finally picked he start to warn me that he has told me he does not want to have sex with me again. That al he wants is just friendship nothing more. I’m so confused

    1. Sarah

      I don’t think there’s much here about which to be confused. Your boyfriend has ended your relationship. You haven’t given (perhaps you haven’t been given) the reason why. He specifically says he doesn’t want to have sex with you again, which suggests you might have been using it to try to keep a hold on him. Were you?

      You can’t build a relationship on sex alone. In future try to forge a deeper connection with a man before you think about having sex with him.

    2. Fiona Hsu

      My love is one of my vendors at work. He texted me to ask a payment question about the project we worked together after 5 days of no contact. I replied him 6 days later. I wonder if I did wrong?

      1. Sarah

        If it’s a work question you should reply promptly (and stick to the subject in hand). You should never let your private life interfere with your career, which is why you should be very careful about letting the two overlap.

  28. chathu

    my boyfriend broke up with me his parents not allowing our relationship.he said he cant go against his mother.he said there is no point of talking anymore so I started no contact period.but his best friend is in a relationhip with my friend so he is calling me sometimes.he told me that my ex is asking whether if I have contacted him.yesterday my ex called several times but I didnt answer the phone.I really dont know what to do.plz help me.

    1. Sarah

      He clearly loves his mother more than you, and that might very well turn out to be the case with any other woman he subsequently meets. Comfort yourself with the thought that with that kind of hang-up, he’s never likely to be happy with anyone. And far more importantly from your point of view, no-one’s ever likely to be happy with him.

  29. chathu

    hi, we broke up because his parents do not allow this he said he cant do the affair anymore.He told me there is no point of talking I started no contact rule.his best friend told me that if there is any news from me.and his best friend called me.after that my ex texted me saying that he thinks im doing great and keep it up.and everyday he keeps asking his friend whether I texted or call.yesterday he called me and I didnt answer.what should I do.Ireally love him and dont wanna lose him.plz help me

    1. Sarah

      What you should do is find a man who does’t want his relationships to be arranged by his parents. You’ll find there are a lot of them about.

      1. chathu

        is it possible for me too change his way of thinking and get a independent decision.if he doesnt want me why would he contact me

        1. chathu

          do you think i have no option but let him go.plz help me sarah

          1. Sarah

            Well, even if your relationship were somehow to be salvaged, you would find yourself having to live according to the diktats of your ex’s mother – that is unless he suddenly does a complete volte face and decides that, after all, he is capable of arranging his own life. Even were that to happen, in view of the way he has treated you so far, do you think he would give you the wholehearted devotion you really want?

            You ask why would he contact you if he doesn’t want you? Well, maybe he does want you – subject to the approval of his mother. Tell him to come back after he’s told her to take a running jump.

            1. chathu

              but do you think I should try no contact for some times.he may be decide what to do.i want to make him feel our love again.please help me to make this work.

            2. chathu

              do you think i should do the no contact rule

              1. Sarah

                There’s no harm in trying it. But as his parents seem to be ruling events, I’m not sure how it can affect your situation.

  30. SK


    My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago over the phone (we’re in a long distance relationship) and in the lead up to this he was very cold & asked for space – so it wasn’t surprising when the relationship ended.

    I took his decision very gracefully, and calmly accepted it whilst on the call. Within a matter of minutes after the call ended, he text me a funny video which was reminiscent of happier times to which I responded with just a smiley face (I was completely devastated about us breaking up and didn’t have anything to say) he then started sending me abuse accusing me of being a liar about something so random & there not being any trust for a while. Again, without giving him a reaction, I calmly proved that I wasn’t a liar (documentation assisted with this) & asked for an apology. After a few hours he sent me a half hearted, sarcastic apology – to which I didn’t reply.

    24 hours later he has sent me a series of differing text messages. The first was a link to an article about a show we watched together; which was sent to me late at night, the second was him checking in to see if I’m ok in the morning, the third followed shortly after the second message of him highlighting he keeps thinking about our sex life now we have broken up. I still haven’t replied to any of these messages, as I feel like he is trying to provoke some sort of reaction from me.

    I just want to understand what his thought process is & why he is trying to regain contact with me after us ending it and him accusing me of being a liar! Is he regretting his decision or is he just wanting some form of control again.

    I’ll be grateful if you could shed some clarity on this.

    Thank you! X

    1. Sarah

      I expect HE expected you to be upset when he broke up with you, and your taking it so calmly has thrown him. Was yours the kind of relationship that thrived on drama? Most men dislike that sort of thing, but there are some who enjoy being able to get a strong emotional reaction from a woman, because it makes them feel powerful and even loved. These men usually have self-esteem issues. Is this anything like your boyfriend, and your relationship?

      What you should do depends on what you really want. Is this relationship worth saving, and this man worth keeping? Only you can decide. Take you time doing so, and don’t let anyone try to coerce you into doing things you’re not happy about.

  31. Sara

    Me and my ex broke up a week ago..the reason he gave me was that I don‘t pay him enough attention and he told me he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore..we broke up in bad terms and I ended up blocking him because I thought he was trying to make excuses.3 days ago he texted me via telegram massenger but I was really angry at him so I decided to ignore him in order to avoid a fight..he texted me again the next day told me to answer him and his text sounded desperate..but I wasn’t ready to answer so I ignored him again.he then said bye and till now hasn’t texted me..what should I do?i know he will show up soon.should I ignore him again?

    1. Sarah

      You want be to be frank? He sounds spoiled, childish, selfish and narcissistic. How long were you together? Were you ever happy? And what did YOU get out of this relationship?

  32. Erah

    Hi ,i hv been in a blissful relationship from past 9 yrs .We knw each other since childhood as we were classmates.In these years he went out of the way to make me feel special and we both were madly in love with each other and there were also no issues of loyalty.But One and a half month back he went on a trip with his friends and things changed drastically all of a sudden .He started ignoring me ,didnt recieve my calls ,no replies ,when i asked to him of the reasons he behaved very rude to me .Even till now he hasnt come back and there is no change in his behaiour.I have been through hell in this past one and a half month .iEven cried day n night begged before him but things got worse.From past 2 days i didnt contact him ,he just made a few calss that to for some work .He says he loves me but that is just limited to his words.It is a matter of 9 yrs of mylife .I am presently 22.Please help me what should i do…

    1. Sarah

      When a man behaves badly, don’t reward him with your attention. Withdraw instead. Most of all, don’t beg for his attention. That’s the way to make lose all respect for you.

      If you have been together since you are 13, then it wouldn’t be surprising if your ex had decided it’s time he started meeting new people and doing other things. You say this happened after a trip with his friends; this could be exactly the kind of spur that might lead to such a decision. Whatever his motives, there’s no way you can force him to stay with you. You talk about 9 years of your life; didn’t YOU have other friends and pursue other hobbies and interests during that time? If you didn’t, then you really should have done. It’s not healthy to tie yourself up emotionally with one person when you are still a teenager (or indeed at any other time).

      It’s no too late to make an independent life for yourself. And if you stop clinging to him, and become someone more adventurous and independent, he might start seeing you differently too.

  33. anusha


    I broke up with my ex 3 days back (when i asked if he could take a stand against me if his parents said refuse to accept me as his future wife and he dint answer that and he is not ready for marriage). but he says he wants to be friends and he really likes my company. right now i’m not contacting him but please help me how can i get him back.. i really love him and i want him to support me no matter what. how can i do that ?

    1. Sarah

      Maybe his culture has made him into someone who will never support you no matter what. Maybe his parents’ wishes will always count for more than yours. If that’s the case, and you still insist on wanting him, then you will have to settle for playing second fiddle, and regularly being passed over. He has said he is not ready for marriage. It that his view, or that of his parents?

      You can’t force him to change. People never change, unless it’s what they want to do. Does your boyfriend want to change? Or is he happy the way he is?

  34. Angela

    My ex and I broke up like a few days ago, I did the wrong move of begged and pleaded. He said he doesn’t want to see me crying or sad (caused by him) anymore; also being together will damage our relationship until the point where we end up hating on each other, and that’s not what he wants. He also stated that he has tried but he couldn’t give me what I want in a relationship. I asked whether he still wants me to stay over, and he said he is indifferent (doesn’t mind, but doesn’t want either), but I ended up staying over for two days. We are still planning to cook (because ingredients are going to expire) with each other in about 4 days because that was our original plan. He asked me whether we could be friends, and I told him I won’t be able to do that. He has stated clearly that he doesn’t want to be strangers, but doesn’t want to get back together either. Then I asked if he is going to tell his friends that we’ve broken up yet. He said “we are at this unclear stage right?” I ended up crying in front of him again. I have been initiating conversations (texting) for the past two days without meeting up with him. He takes about 1-3 hours to reply.

    I will try to not initiate conversations with him anymore, but I don’t know what to do next…

    1. Sarah

      Time to practice a bit of no contact. You’ve been making a lot of mistakes in the short time you’ve been apart, so you need to stop and change your tactics. Go here for some hints on getting your ex to fall for you again.

  35. Jessica

    Hi my ex and i broke up or decided to take a break 2 and a half weeks ago after he told me out of nowhere that he doesn’t see a future and our expectations are mismatched. i initiated the no contact period for about 5 days when he suddenly texted me saying he saw this and thought of me and sent some links about an important hobby of mine. i gave a short reply thankin him with a smile and said will look at them. since then there was no reply

    just wondering if i should stay the course and why exactly he would suddenly say that.

    1. Sarah

      Yes, you should stay the course, and there could be lots of reasons why he sent you that text. The most likely is the reason he said; he saw something he knew would interest you and sent it. He may have had no ulterior motive. Or he might have wanted to see if you replied. Or he might just have been checking in. Whatever he reason, it wasn’t that he has suddenly decided he wants you back. He needs more time to make that kind of decision, if he ever does make it. So keep up the no contact, see other people and do other things. But don’t hang around waiting for him to change his mind; and above all don’t let HIM think you’re waiting and hoping he’ll come back. Nothing’s going to change as long as he thinks he just has to beckon and you’ll come running.

  36. Alexandra

    Me and my ex have been on and off again for the past 2 years, he broke up with me because he didn’t feel the same anymore and I was very depressed and insecure . He’s very cold person towards me now. He ended up talking to another girl a week after we broke up at this party ( which he never goes to parties ) and i have no clue if she’s a rebound. I ended up begging to my ex before he met another girl and he ended up blocking me over everything and that same day after work he asked his sister which is my best friend if I was around. I started the no contact rule 3 days ago but I have no idea if he would think of me or try contacting me. What should I do if I see him in person? I’m always at his house he use to live in visiting his sister. What if he stops by one day ? What should I do if tries talking to me.

    1. Sarah

      The more you chase him, the more he withdraws. That’s the way it is – always. So don’t even think about contacting him, let alone being in his sister’s house accidently-on-purpose (which is what he will think) whenever he calls by. In fact, seeing his sister is probably not a good idea either, as it’s constant reminder of HIM. But if you must see her, then meet up elsewhere, or make certain that her brother won’t be there if you go to her house.

      In other words, do a thorough job of no contact. And meanwhile occupy yourself by getting help for your depression, and working on your insecurities. IF you give him enough space while becoming a happier and more confident person, he might change his mind and come back.

  37. Ellie

    My ex and I were in a relationship for 3 years, and throughout the relationship the main issue was that I was quite needy and I expected a lot out of him but he was unable to keep up because he was quite a cold person in general. In the end he told me he was tired of us arguing all the time and wanted to break up, but cried a lot and told me he still loves me etc. He also kept asking me if I would be open to getting back together in the future when he is a changed person etc to which I said yes. I tried to do the no contact rule but he texts me once every 3-4 days and when I ignored him for a week he asked if I was genuinely over him and was visibly upset. He also keeps asking my friends how I’m doing etc, and tells me he wants to remain friends. Should I still try the contact rule and should I reply his messages?

    1. Sarah

      Have you thought about making any changes yourself? Being needy destroys relationships, and usually springs from low self-esteem. Do some work on yourself; learn to like, even love yourself. Have a life outside your relationship. When he stops feeling that you are a burden he is increasingly unable to bear, things will get better between you; probably a lot better.

  38. Ana

    Hi! I was in a ldr he’s from London and I’m currently in Taiwan. We met while traveling around Europe and did some trips together. It all lasted for 6 months. We came to Taiwan to visit me and we’ve spent a month in London together. We both broke up couple days ago because we couldn’t settle a end day for the distance. He will take a teaching English course and move to Asia but still don’t know exactly when due to money issues. Should I go for the NC rule? What if he gets in touch because he will… We all care about each other deeply. Thanks

    1. Sarah

      Have a grown-up discussion about the future. Don’t criticize or blame, but look for solutions. If there is one, then good. If there isn’t, then accept that it’s not to be.

      A LDR should only be a temporary situation. If you don’t have a solid plan to be together at some point, then you are indulging in fantasy. And holiday romances, which is how this one began, are usually best left on holiday. It’s a lovely memory of sun, sand and yes, escapism. Keep it as a poignant memory to brighten up a particularly dull or dreary day.

      LDRs have a low success rate. It’s best not to get involved in one, unless there is a very good reason why you should.

  39. Melissa

    This is about a year that my boyfriend and i are in a relationship .we have many things in common in different aspects of life . We have always many things to speak about.we are attracted physically and emotionally , specially him . But the problem about this year and him is that after a month of our dating he had big No in his mind .he wanted to break up because he has so much fear about everything and that caused many problems for us .it prevents him to be emotional and get involve in bilateral relationship .and this have made me upset so much .we hadnt quarrel at all but we tried to speak in peace and respect and kindness . I tried to be patient and understand him in every situation and also talked about what i feel about his behaviour .even when i was sad and angry .
    But one week he was excited and ok and one week he stepped back .whenever i have asked him to break up he became upset and tears in his eyes .till few days ago that his behaviour made me sad .i asked him to come around to speak about . And he said we should break up for awhile and at least for 3 months until he can solve this problem and be sure if he wants to stay and decide for marriage or not .he was too sad and me either but i accepted . He went and tomorrow he sent msg that he wanted to comeback the other night and say that he cant break up and it is really hard for him .but he should bear it maybe this helps and brings some changes because our relationship wasnt equal and he said i cant have act of kindness and give your love back equally . He always say that loves me and cares about me .whenever im sad he tries his best to calm me down .even when he wanted to say goodbye came to me and gave me hug and kisses. From that day till now he has called me once and send me some text msgs .he says he is worry about me so much and wanted to know how i am .he started to talk about what he has done during his day and even told me that is going to have dinner with his friend .hr said still doesnt think about other things. He says you are so special for me and i cant forget you easily and it is really hard for me to think you are with someone else ..pls give me some time and space .i spent really hard time because he is a really good guy .and want him back .
    I want you to tell me what do you think about his behaviour ?
    Am i answer him when he texts or leave him thinking more and miss. He has told me before that if you rejected me i would eager more for you ! Maybe he needs my rejection during our no contact ..i tell him i dont want to wait for him and its better to forget each other .i really dont know what to do ?( he is 40 and im 37 )will he come back ?
    Pls help me

    1. Sarah

      He sounds very conflicted. At 40 he is likely to have a significant romantic history. How much do you know about his previous relationships? If he experienced a particularly painful relationship or breakup, then perhaps he is afraid of a repeat. Sometimes such men are described as “wounded bears”, and they often find it difficult to feel faith and trust again.

      If you think he is the right man for you, you can try giving him space and waiting to see if he comes back. But, depending on how damaged they are, such men are not always capable of leaving the past behind. Keep in touch if you want to, but keep some distance between you too. It’s best to avoid sex, and putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. Live a little, give him time to resolve his issues, but put a limit on it. You can’t wait forever, and he shouldn’t expect you to.

  40. Dana

    My boyfriend broke up with me mid November claiming that he didn’t like the person he was becoming. Our relationship was great and we continued to meet up and it was like we weren’t exes. He kept telling me that he wasn’t ruling out getting back together. However, I sent a text he took a disliking to as I was finding it difficult being left hanging and feeling in limbo. When he didn’t respond to me, I drove 40 mins to his house but he wouldn’t let me in and started ignoring my texts and calls. I bombarded him for a few weeks and got nothing back. After starting no contact just before day 4 I got a text from him saying ‘I don’t hate you’. I didn’t know what to reply but I figured he was initiating contact or messaging out of guilt. A day and a half later, I casually replied back ‘few people do’ and tried to keep it light hearted. I haven’t had a reply back. Shall I ask him outright whether he is ready for a reconciliation or wait for him (if at all) to be back in touch?

    1. Sarah

      That was a was a good reply. Remember you said you were doing No Contact, so how about trying to stick to it? After just 4 days, he isn’t ready for a reconciliation. It might take 4 weeks, or 4 months, or even longer.

      Why didn’t he like the person he was becoming? Was he beginning to feel stifled within your relationship?

      Let it be. Don’t ask him about a reconciliation; that’s his job. You have to wait, wait until he is ready, until he has made up his mind what he wants. If it’s you , he will do something about it. If it isn’t, then nothing you do now will change his mind.

      1. Dana

        Thank you for your reply. My boyfriend said I was spending too much time training with the Army Reserves and he wanted to see me all the time (he didn’t have his own hobbies to engage with). Before we started dating he had been working on a couple of business ideas but he stopped working on them, instead focusing on the relationship. He said there were things he wanted to achieve and felt he couldn’t commit to a relationship at the same time, as he was becoming lazy and complacent. He was VERY intense with me in the relationship and in a short while asked to marry me and move in. I said it was too soon for both. Shortly after this, he seemed to become distant and was not as attentive and a few weeks later broke up with me – I was so confused!

        When I went round to his house without asking, he said that my behaviour scared him – particularly when I kept texting and calling. He also told me that he needed time. I guess my behaviour after the break up really created a rift between us.

        As an aside, he owes me £400. I asked for it back after the break up and he said he would give it to me at the end of January. I guess I just have to wait to see if he is forthcoming with paying it back.

        1. Sarah

          A man should have a purpose, so it’s not surprising that he didn’t like the person he was becoming. He needs to sort his life out before gets into another relationship, with you or anyone else. But there are 3 red (or at least pink) flags here; talking about marriage so quickly (especially when he didn’t have a secure future ahead), and borrowing money which he hasn’t (yet) paid back. The third is his lack of support for your Army training, for the selfish and rather feeble reason that he didn’t know what to do with himself if you weren’t there. This man needs to pull his socks up and make some changes if he wants to be worthy of any woman worth having. However, he seems to be aware of that, and apparently has intentions to do so. So if you still want him back, you should wait and see if it ever happens. Remember, talk is cheap. Actions are what count.

  41. Alexandria

    After five years and so much drama and marriage postponing, he finally said he doesn’t know if he still wants to marry me. I asked “are we still getting married?” He answered I don’t know yet”. And at that moment I asked that we break up. The NC has been just a week and he’s texted hi. I blocked him initially so I don’t know if he tried contacting earlier on. I love him dearly and I’m not sure why he said that about us getting married especially after we had waited so long for things to settle. Prior to the questioning he had been so distant. What do I do?

    1. Sarah

      If he doesn’t KNOW that he wants to marry you, then he’s right not to. I know that’s hard to hear, but in your heart you must know it’s true. And anyway, what woman wants to have to talk a man into marrying her?

      If you want to try to change all that, then this article will help you understand some things about men and commitment, and this article will tell you what makes a man ready to beg a woman to marry him.

  42. Alicia

    I liked a this guy for 7 years. He is a year older than me and recently I just got into degree and found out that we are in the same uni. We bumped into each other a lot. He knew about me liking him because we have mutuals and his best friend is in the same course as I am. and a month and a half ago, we made it official. He made a move by asking me out and texting me. We were very flirty from the start. I admitted that it was pretty fast because we said the 3 words on the first date. Normally I would control myself and not give myself that easily but I really liked him and he made it seemed that he really loved me. We clicked instantly. We had a lot of common interests. For the first two weeks, we were inseparable. He would come to me at 3AM just because I was hungry and bought me food. Although he never called but he texted me a lot.

    However, everything went cold after that. I was away for a couple of days so I told him that I won’t be able to see him but we still texted each other. but then after I came back, I was expecting him to come and see me but he said he was busy. He didn’t text anymore. There were some days where I didn’t text him just to see if he would text me back but he didn’t so I had to initiate and I tried addressing the issue casually coz I didn’t want to be seem as needy cause our relationship hadn’t even passed 1 month yet. He said that he understood but he didn’t even apologised.

    One day I confronted him and I asked him if he is busy I need to know cause he can’t just cut me off like that. He said that he can’t commit. He said that it was good the first two weeks but it died down and that it made it even hard cause he said the fact that he made a move on me was because his best friends suggested me and because I liked him. He told me that he is not the kind of person who would put such effort on girls at all. He had some past issues with a girl and it made him cold but when he met me He really felt good and wanted to make it work but he said that he tried and couldn’t. We ended it in a good way cause I can’t really force him right? But I really really love him. HELP ME. Do you think this no contact rule will work? I bumped into him a week ago and I made sure to sound happy which I did but I was actually broken inside. HELP ME

    1. Sarah

      You’re right in saying that you can’t force him to be with you. And the more you try, the faster he will run. You’re doing the right thing by backing off and sounding happy when you meet, so keep it up. Give him enough space, and maybe he will decide he wants to try again. But in future try not to let things happen so quickly. Always remember that the woman should control the speed with which a relationship develops. A man who is attracted will chase, and he won’t be put off if you don’t make it too easy for him. And if he is, well, then you’ll know he wasn’t very keen in the first place; and you’ll save yourself a lot of pain by not investing in men who are not worth it.

  43. anitaa

    Hello guys my English is not as good..still m trying. My ex broke up with me almost 2 this two months we are in on n off contact after 30days of break up he suddenly called me n say sorry n he wants to keep the contact with me.he loves me but but dnt want to be in a relationship with me.thn I started the NC for 5days n I failed.lst Saturday he called me n say he loves me n he wants to see me.this Sundaywe mate but he told me for next 2yars he wont able to be Iin the relrelationship but he dnt want to lose frm moMonday I am again starting the NC but he calling me every day what should I do? I am very mch confused plz help me ..I think this is the right forum for me to share my prblm ..plz help me

    1. Sarah

      So he doesn’t to be in the relationship, but he doesn’t want to lose you. So what does he want? Just friends? Friends with benefits? If you don’t know, perhaps you should ask him directly.

      However, what matters here is what YOU want. You want a full relationship with this man, but whatever it is he’s offering right now, it isn’t that. So perhaps you should tell him so. Say you accept that he wants to leave the relationship for now; and that means you are now single. Tell him to call you if he changes his mind, but you will not be waiting around for him to do so. Wish him well for the future.

      If he continues to call, be friendly and a bit flirty, but don’t try to pry into his life. Instead you need to build a new life for yourself; and above all, you should not sleep with him. He may decide to come back. He may not. But don’t let him keep you in the kind of unsatisfactory connection you have at the moment. Maybe he is genuinely confused about his future with you. Maybe he has other problems or issues that he needs to resolve before he can commit to any relationship. Maybe he just wants a FwB. Make it clear that’s not good enough for you, but if you want him back, don’t be angry or hostile. Leave the door open for him to change his mind.

      1. Louis

        Hey, I started the no contact rule a few days ago and haven’t been checking her Snapchat story or Instagram stories but she checks mine and is always almost the first one. We are in a class group chat. HER:they should fr block the borders.
        ME: yah now they have a reason to. Then of course other people texted in between and responding the both of us too. Then I made a joke saying I want to die and she said.HER:I’m waiting to get shot at school, I can’t wait.ME: meme face with subtitle saying “the guy always sleeping in class when he hears that. *slowly reaching for bag*.
        HER:the guy always sleeping is the shooter cockface. Then a bit later ME:I can’t tell if I’m getting cursed or if it’s part of the joke😂😂😂. Then *SHE* privately texted me: cockface is a joke. Which I read but didn’t answer cause I don’t know what to say but on the group chat she said.HER: I wasn’t a joke.ME:very funny by the way, very funny. I was being sarcastic.HER:ty. Then I said a bit later: just in case, I’m not actually vexed. She responded wih: oke and a sticker of a happy dog Dancing. But her replies were so fast in the group chat, like instant fast but I don’t know what to say to “cockface is a joke” so I just left on read since I’m doing the no contact rule. What do you think and what should I do?

        1. Sarah

          I think you should attend to your lessons.

  44. Gerry

    Am sorry engish is not my first language but am gonna try my level beat to express myself.
    According to this site it seems like its more for girls being taught on how to apply “no contact rule”.But am a boy,and i really have a hard situation after a breakup with my girlfriend (2 months now) and am so much looking for the site to help me with my situation 🙁 .

    I just want to know if i can also use this so called “no contact rule” or its only for girls?

    1. Sarah

      Hi Gerry, Yes, the no contact rule is an effective strategy in most breakups. As you say it’s 2 months since your breakup, I wonder if you’ve been chasing your girlfriend trying to get her back, and that’s why you’re now asking about no contact. If so, you might find this article helpful in explaining what is NOT effective.

      As you say, this site is intended mainly for women, but you might also find this article helpful too. Best of luck!

  45. Kylie

    My ex broke up with me just over 2 weeks ago, he said he doesn’t think he can make me happy anymore even though he still loves me (which is really confusing) I am missing him like crazy and would love us to get back together..I started the no contact rule which is so difficult, he txt me yesterday on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, I just responded with a thanks. He’s made first contact so should I make the next contact or wait until the 30 days of no contact is over?

    1. Sarah

      From your other posts it looks as if he wants to stay in contact with you. Why not drop him a casual invitation to a social event where you will part of a group? If he comes, you will be able to see whether he makes a point of seeking your company. If he doesn’t, you’ll know he was just fishing, in which case you should return to keeping up the no contact period for several more weeks.

  46. Tina

    I went to sleep early & my mom contacted my ex-boyfriend bc she couldn’t get a hold of me. He broke up with me a little more than a week ago. I eventually woke up from the calling and noticed that he had messaged me saying that my mom was trying to get in touch. It’s unfortunate that my parent had to involved while I was in no contact. I haven’t responded to him yet. What do I do?

    1. Sarah

      As your ex was only passing on a message from your mother, I doubt whether he expects you to contact him – there is no reason why you should, after all. It’s your mother who wants to speak to you – and when you do, make sure you put her in the picture!

  47. Sara

    He texted on day 6 “are you going to stay mad at me”. What sure I reply? Help!

    1. Sarah

      It depends why you’re mad at him. Did he do something terrible? Or have you calmed down enough now to see that whatever it was, it wasn’t really that important. If the former, then you have every right to stay mad until you get an apology. It could take a while, but you must hold out for it, otherwise he will never really respect you. If the latter, then it’s a bit trickier. It’s silly to quarrel over something trivial, but there needs to be some mutual acknowledgement that you have both behaved stupidly. And it won’t be very easy to get that out of him. However, there’s no harm in holding out for something a little more conciliatory than just “are you going to stay mad at me”.

  48. upeka

    my ex has sent a text asking whether im in town . i got panicked so i still did not respond to it. he can see whether i have read the text. should i respond to him or i shouldnt. its only one week we have been in no contact

    1. Sarah

      Unless he did something bad that caused the breakup, there’s no harm in replying. But leave it a few hours first. If he wants to see you, it’s probably better to say you’re too busy, so you’ll have to catch up next time you’e both in town.

      1. Upeka

        Thanks for reply. I did reply and he replied few things. He did not ask me to meet yet. I sent only brief replies. And I stopped it after few. I’m just worried he is doing this to keep me as a friend rather than getting back. Because we were friends just like we were a good couple.

        1. Sarah

          He might be doing just that. Leave him to do the chasing, and you’ll find out in time.

          1. Upeca

            My ex contacted me again and he said I’m a wonderful woman.but he never said he wants to meet me or get back together.he has always been a less expressive person. I don’t know what to do.whether I should be the one to push him to open up or leave him to figure out.we broke up bcz he said he can’t do a relationship n he said he ie doesn’t know whether he loves me. So should I let him go

            1. Sarah

              Yes. It will be hard, in fact it will probably be devastating for you, but your boyfriend has tried to be honest with you, and now you have to let him go. Putting him under more pressure will only be counter-productive for you. You must set him free to decide his own future.

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