What to Do When Your Ex Contacts You During The No Contact Period

What to Do When Your Ex Contacts You During The No Contact Period

So you’ve been conscientiously following the No Contact rule for several weeks and then – wham! Right out of the blue, your ex contacts you.

What do you do?

Well, the No Contact rule is essential for women who want to get their boyfriends back, but it is not a straightjacket. And if your ex contacts you during the No Contact period, it’s fine to respond. (For everything you need to know about the No Contact rule, visit this page.)

Don’t be taken in by the idea that the No Contact rule is inflexible. If your boyfriend calls (or texts, or emails), you shouldn’t ignore him. Actually it’s a great sign. It shows that No Contact is working, and that your ex is thinking of you.

In fact, this is your chance to show him how well you are doing. But how you respond depends on how your ex contacts you.

If He Texts or Emails

If your ex contacts you by text or email, don’t respond immediately. Yes, I know you’ve been waiting weeks just for that, but he mustn’t suspect it. You’re not spending your days checking your texts and emails, at least as far as he’s concerned. You’re much too busy for that.

So leave it at least 3 hours before replying to a text, and 24 hours for an email. And when you do, make sure you follow these rules (for the complete rules to follow when getting your ex back with text messages, go here).

Keep your message short

You haven’t got enough time to send a long message, and you certainly don’t want to tell him everything you’ve been doing. But dropping in a bit about some recent highlight in your life is great. Make it just enough to intrigue him, so that he wants to know more.

Sound happy and carefree

Even if you still cry over him every night, you must sound happy and upbeat in your texts. Use capitals, exclamation marks, emoticons; whatever is in character to show how excited you are about your life. It’s a great idea to be prepared in advance, so whenever you do something interesting or fun, make a mental note to use it in future texts to your ex.

Make sure you end the conversation

Don’t keep up a dialogue, texting back and forth until you run out of things to say. When he replies, say you’re out with friends or going into a meeting and you’ll talk later. If he doesn’t reply, then it was just a “fishing” message, and you should ignore him if he messages you again in a few days. Let him text 2 or 3 times before you reply again. Make him work for your attention.

For more tips about using text messages to get your ex back, visit this page.

If He Calls

If your ex contacts you by phone, you need to be careful. Think of talking on the phone as a high risk strategy. It’s all too easy for a live conversation to veer off-piste and end in disaster.

If you feel confident enough to handle it, it’s OK to answer. Sound happy to speak to him, and make it clear you’re doing fine. Keep the conversation brief, and above all, avoid talking about the past. If he gets angry or emotional, excuse yourself immediately and say you have to go.

As with messaging, make sure you end the conversation first.

If you don’t think you can handle a call yet, then don’t answer. Instead, just text him back in about an hour. Say you’re sorry to have missed him but you’ve haven’t time to talk today. Say that you hope all is well, and you’ll talk later.

Leave Him to Contact You Again

You may think that, as he contacted you first this time, you should be the one to text first next time.

Wrong.

In this situation, it should always be your ex contacts you. Even if you told him you’d call him later, don’t. Wait for him to call or text you. You don’t want him to think you were so overwhelmed by one message from him that now you are his to command.

He will value you the more for how hard he has to work for you. So don’t make it too easy.

Keep the Emotional Temperature Cool

Avoid all possible drama.

That means not discussing your past relationship, or who you or he is dating now. If he tries to do any of this, steer the conversation back to safe, happy subjects, or end the call completely. Don’t drop hints about the men you are seeing. Deliberately trying to make him jealous will just make you look desperate. The jealousy tool is best left to your Facebook page (for more about that, visit this page).

Above all don’t let him needle or upset you. Make sure you stay in control of the conversation.

So if your ex contacts you during the No Contact period, accept it as something positive and use it to your advantage. Follow these rules to make sure your plan stays on track. If you want to know more about how to handle talking to your ex, then visit this page.

 

72 Responses to What to Do When Your Ex Contacts You During The No Contact Period

  1. Hiya i done no contact for 19 days and he text me out the blue saying sorry if you felt fucked about or treated badly wasn’t his intention and his sorry and he was over whelmed and stressed with life.

    I wrote back saying I kind of got the impression you was stressed about something In life just wished you would of spoke to me about it was disrespectful what you done ( he ignored me one day and said he was busy with new job and said was over was out the blue )
    he said he always had respect for me and all he can do is say sorry. I said all I done was care and thank you for the apology and Im sorry if I ever came across annoying I just kind of panicked he said please don’t worry about me or other people its not good for you. And I said yeah I guess but I just care.. and put anywayss… to end the convo on a positive.

    Did I do the right thing? and also am I ok to do no contact again? as he was the one who ended it I didn’t so surly he should chase me abit? I don’t want to come across too much of a push over.

    • Yes, don’t blow him off but don’t make it too easy for him. Wait for him to contact you first again – maybe he already has? You’re quite right to avoid looking too keen.

      • Hey Sarah

        His been texting me first since Monday since his apologised and I have been ending the conversation on a high note so far so good coming across not too keen is working

        When’s it likely do you think he will ask to call me or ask to meet me? As his said sorry over text and asking how I am and work stuff like that but i find actions speak much louder than words he could even just be bored 😐 and doesn’t even want me.

        I don’t want to ask to phone me or call me as I tried that 2 months ago and he didn’t want to meet said he was too stressed with life. He seems abit happier now in his life so do you think he may approach about meeting me?

        I know I have to be patient but it really bugging me haha

        And I really hope I’m not just his second best for whatever reason and he now just wants to speak to me 🙁 I don’t want to be mugged off or used

        • The way to be sure it’s really what he wants is to wait for him to call. If you call him, you will change the dynamics completely: you will be chasing him. Avoid!

          • Thank you Sarah

            It’s been 13 days since he reached out to me and his not asked me to meet him or tried to call me yet

            He is still texting me quiet full on stuff however and is very talkative

            I’m waiting patiently to see if this will happen or if I’m just wasting my time

            I’m still playing it cool and not coming across desperate at all

  2. I started no contact 10 days ago! It was hard because i always called or text even begged! This time however i did not. After day 10 he text all the text said was u cant wait till i get there! The 2 yo’s as if he just wanted to get me to answer for the text made no sense! What does this mean?

    • Most reasonably mature people can understand the need to take a break from each other immediately after a breakup. Is your ex a manipulative type of person? Because this is a manipulative type of question.

  3. My ex broke up with me three and half week ago. When she broke up with me,she told me she loved me, wanted me in her life and didn’t want to break up. But her fears that I would cheat on her and leave her , made it unbearable for her. I did not cheat, nor did I want to leave her. But I knew about these fears and I guess we didn’t communicate wel about it. After a week, I saw a message in a group app and heard her voice. I broke and wrote her a letter where I apologized for letting her feel those fears. I also wanted to know wheter she wanted to continue the break up. So I gave her ultimatum in dates to let me know or to come and get her stuff. The same evening she came to get her stuff. I begged and plead, but she was distant and angry about the ultimatum. Which I understand and regret very much. So I started no contact.
    So one week later after this, two weeks after the break up, it was my birthday and she sent me a message to congratulate me and wishing me a nice day. She also sent a kiss, which she only sents to the person she loves. So I replied with thank you and a kiss back.
    then she blocked me on Facebook Messenger.
    Today suddenly the door bell rang and she was standing there with her sister, I was surprised. She came to get her Phone back,because hers was broke and I had her old one. It was very awkard.
    I apologized for the letter and told her that maybe in time when she will be ready I would like to talk things through. She agreed and said: everything at the right time. She asked me if I wanted to tell her anything else, which I didn’t.
    She told me to be careful with a broken door, and to take care for myself.

    I stayed calm al the time she was here (like 10 minutes) then when she left , I cried and felt sad and confused.
    I really love her and I know what things I should change and work on to be an improved version of myself. I went into therapy since the break -up to work at communication skills in a relationship and to improve my selfworth.
    She on the other hand is also therapy to learn how to deal with her fears and negative thoughts.
    Right now I am confused, why does she drop by without a warning and should I start no contact all over again, or do I need to continue because I am not the one who initiated contact?
    I know she still loves me and is also very emotional and confused, our friends tell me that.

    • Why did she think you would cheat on her? Had you given her reason to think this, or were her fears completely irrational?

      It’s always unwise to give people ultimatums. It destroys their room for compromise, and inculcates an intense desire to defend their basic freedoms.

      You seem to have put her under considerable pressure. So the best thing you can do is to reduce the pressure by backing away a little. Give her the time and space she needs to see things more clearly.

  4. My guy said he does want to see me again, we did not have any misunderstanding and he blocked me. I called him severally and he refused to pick my calls. When he finally picked he start to warn me that he has told me he does not want to have sex with me again. That al he wants is just friendship nothing more. I’m so confused

    • I don’t think there’s much here about which to be confused. Your boyfriend has ended your relationship. You haven’t given (perhaps you haven’t been given) the reason why. He specifically says he doesn’t want to have sex with you again, which suggests you might have been using it to try to keep a hold on him. Were you?

      You can’t build a relationship on sex alone. In future try to forge a deeper connection with a man before you think about having sex with him.

    • My love is one of my vendors at work. He texted me to ask a payment question about the project we worked together after 5 days of no contact. I replied him 6 days later. I wonder if I did wrong?

      • If it’s a work question you should reply promptly (and stick to the subject in hand). You should never let your private life interfere with your career, which is why you should be very careful about letting the two overlap.

  5. my boyfriend broke up with me his parents not allowing our relationship.he said he cant go against his mother.he said there is no point of talking anymore so I started no contact period.but his best friend is in a relationhip with my friend so he is calling me sometimes.he told me that my ex is asking whether if I have contacted him.yesterday my ex called several times but I didnt answer the phone.I really dont know what to do.plz help me.

    • He clearly loves his mother more than you, and that might very well turn out to be the case with any other woman he subsequently meets. Comfort yourself with the thought that with that kind of hang-up, he’s never likely to be happy with anyone. And far more importantly from your point of view, no-one’s ever likely to be happy with him.

  6. hi, we broke up because his parents do not allow this relationship.so he said he cant do the affair anymore.He told me there is no point of talking anymore.so I started no contact rule.his best friend told me that if there is any news from me.and his best friend called me.after that my ex texted me saying that he thinks im doing great and keep it up.and everyday he keeps asking his friend whether I texted or call.yesterday he called me and I didnt answer.what should I do.Ireally love him and dont wanna lose him.plz help me

          • Well, even if your relationship were somehow to be salvaged, you would find yourself having to live according to the diktats of your ex’s mother – that is unless he suddenly does a complete volte face and decides that, after all, he is capable of arranging his own life. Even were that to happen, in view of the way he has treated you so far, do you think he would give you the wholehearted devotion you really want?

            You ask why would he contact you if he doesn’t want you? Well, maybe he does want you – subject to the approval of his mother. Tell him to come back after he’s told her to take a running jump.

  7. Hey!

    My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago over the phone (we’re in a long distance relationship) and in the lead up to this he was very cold & asked for space – so it wasn’t surprising when the relationship ended.

    I took his decision very gracefully, and calmly accepted it whilst on the call. Within a matter of minutes after the call ended, he text me a funny video which was reminiscent of happier times to which I responded with just a smiley face (I was completely devastated about us breaking up and didn’t have anything to say) he then started sending me abuse accusing me of being a liar about something so random & there not being any trust for a while. Again, without giving him a reaction, I calmly proved that I wasn’t a liar (documentation assisted with this) & asked for an apology. After a few hours he sent me a half hearted, sarcastic apology – to which I didn’t reply.

    24 hours later he has sent me a series of differing text messages. The first was a link to an article about a show we watched together; which was sent to me late at night, the second was him checking in to see if I’m ok in the morning, the third followed shortly after the second message of him highlighting he keeps thinking about our sex life now we have broken up. I still haven’t replied to any of these messages, as I feel like he is trying to provoke some sort of reaction from me.

    I just want to understand what his thought process is & why he is trying to regain contact with me after us ending it and him accusing me of being a liar! Is he regretting his decision or is he just wanting some form of control again.

    I’ll be grateful if you could shed some clarity on this.

    Thank you! X

    • I expect HE expected you to be upset when he broke up with you, and your taking it so calmly has thrown him. Was yours the kind of relationship that thrived on drama? Most men dislike that sort of thing, but there are some who enjoy being able to get a strong emotional reaction from a woman, because it makes them feel powerful and even loved. These men usually have self-esteem issues. Is this anything like your boyfriend, and your relationship?

      What you should do depends on what you really want. Is this relationship worth saving, and this man worth keeping? Only you can decide. Take you time doing so, and don’t let anyone try to coerce you into doing things you’re not happy about.

  8. Me and my ex broke up a week ago..the reason he gave me was that I don‘t pay him enough attention and he told me he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore..we broke up in bad terms and I ended up blocking him because I thought he was trying to make excuses.3 days ago he texted me via telegram massenger but I was really angry at him so I decided to ignore him in order to avoid a fight..he texted me again the next day told me to answer him and his text sounded desperate..but I wasn’t ready to answer so I ignored him again.he then said bye and till now hasn’t texted me..what should I do?i know he will show up soon.should I ignore him again?

    • You want be to be frank? He sounds spoiled, childish, selfish and narcissistic. How long were you together? Were you ever happy? And what did YOU get out of this relationship?

  9. Hi ,i hv been in a blissful relationship from past 9 yrs .We knw each other since childhood as we were classmates.In these years he went out of the way to make me feel special and we both were madly in love with each other and there were also no issues of loyalty.But One and a half month back he went on a trip with his friends and things changed drastically all of a sudden .He started ignoring me ,didnt recieve my calls ,no replies ,when i asked to him of the reasons he behaved very rude to me .Even till now he hasnt come back and there is no change in his behaiour.I have been through hell in this past one and a half month .iEven cried day n night begged before him but things got worse.From past 2 days i didnt contact him ,he just made a few calss that to for some work .He says he loves me but that is just limited to his words.It is a matter of 9 yrs of mylife .I am presently 22.Please help me what should i do…

    • When a man behaves badly, don’t reward him with your attention. Withdraw instead. Most of all, don’t beg for his attention. That’s the way to make lose all respect for you.

      If you have been together since you are 13, then it wouldn’t be surprising if your ex had decided it’s time he started meeting new people and doing other things. You say this happened after a trip with his friends; this could be exactly the kind of spur that might lead to such a decision. Whatever his motives, there’s no way you can force him to stay with you. You talk about 9 years of your life; didn’t YOU have other friends and pursue other hobbies and interests during that time? If you didn’t, then you really should have done. It’s not healthy to tie yourself up emotionally with one person when you are still a teenager (or indeed at any other time).

      It’s no too late to make an independent life for yourself. And if you stop clinging to him, and become someone more adventurous and independent, he might start seeing you differently too.

  10. Hi,

    I broke up with my ex 3 days back (when i asked if he could take a stand against me if his parents said refuse to accept me as his future wife and he dint answer that and he is not ready for marriage). but he says he wants to be friends and he really likes my company. right now i’m not contacting him but please help me how can i get him back.. i really love him and i want him to support me no matter what. how can i do that ?

    • Maybe his culture has made him into someone who will never support you no matter what. Maybe his parents’ wishes will always count for more than yours. If that’s the case, and you still insist on wanting him, then you will have to settle for playing second fiddle, and regularly being passed over. He has said he is not ready for marriage. It that his view, or that of his parents?

      You can’t force him to change. People never change, unless it’s what they want to do. Does your boyfriend want to change? Or is he happy the way he is?

  11. My ex and I broke up like a few days ago, I did the wrong move of begged and pleaded. He said he doesn’t want to see me crying or sad (caused by him) anymore; also being together will damage our relationship until the point where we end up hating on each other, and that’s not what he wants. He also stated that he has tried but he couldn’t give me what I want in a relationship. I asked whether he still wants me to stay over, and he said he is indifferent (doesn’t mind, but doesn’t want either), but I ended up staying over for two days. We are still planning to cook (because ingredients are going to expire) with each other in about 4 days because that was our original plan. He asked me whether we could be friends, and I told him I won’t be able to do that. He has stated clearly that he doesn’t want to be strangers, but doesn’t want to get back together either. Then I asked if he is going to tell his friends that we’ve broken up yet. He said “we are at this unclear stage right?” I ended up crying in front of him again. I have been initiating conversations (texting) for the past two days without meeting up with him. He takes about 1-3 hours to reply.

    I will try to not initiate conversations with him anymore, but I don’t know what to do next…

  12. Hi my ex and i broke up or decided to take a break 2 and a half weeks ago after he told me out of nowhere that he doesn’t see a future and our expectations are mismatched. i initiated the no contact period for about 5 days when he suddenly texted me saying he saw this and thought of me and sent some links about an important hobby of mine. i gave a short reply thankin him with a smile and said will look at them. since then there was no reply

    just wondering if i should stay the course and why exactly he would suddenly say that.

    • Yes, you should stay the course, and there could be lots of reasons why he sent you that text. The most likely is the reason he said; he saw something he knew would interest you and sent it. He may have had no ulterior motive. Or he might have wanted to see if you replied. Or he might just have been checking in. Whatever he reason, it wasn’t that he has suddenly decided he wants you back. He needs more time to make that kind of decision, if he ever does make it. So keep up the no contact, see other people and do other things. But don’t hang around waiting for him to change his mind; and above all don’t let HIM think you’re waiting and hoping he’ll come back. Nothing’s going to change as long as he thinks he just has to beckon and you’ll come running.

  13. Me and my ex have been on and off again for the past 2 years, he broke up with me because he didn’t feel the same anymore and I was very depressed and insecure . He’s very cold person towards me now. He ended up talking to another girl a week after we broke up at this party ( which he never goes to parties ) and i have no clue if she’s a rebound. I ended up begging to my ex before he met another girl and he ended up blocking me over everything and that same day after work he asked his sister which is my best friend if I was around. I started the no contact rule 3 days ago but I have no idea if he would think of me or try contacting me. What should I do if I see him in person? I’m always at his house he use to live in visiting his sister. What if he stops by one day ? What should I do if tries talking to me.

    • The more you chase him, the more he withdraws. That’s the way it is – always. So don’t even think about contacting him, let alone being in his sister’s house accidently-on-purpose (which is what he will think) whenever he calls by. In fact, seeing his sister is probably not a good idea either, as it’s constant reminder of HIM. But if you must see her, then meet up elsewhere, or make certain that her brother won’t be there if you go to her house.

      In other words, do a thorough job of no contact. And meanwhile occupy yourself by getting help for your depression, and working on your insecurities. IF you give him enough space while becoming a happier and more confident person, he might change his mind and come back.

  14. My ex and I were in a relationship for 3 years, and throughout the relationship the main issue was that I was quite needy and I expected a lot out of him but he was unable to keep up because he was quite a cold person in general. In the end he told me he was tired of us arguing all the time and wanted to break up, but cried a lot and told me he still loves me etc. He also kept asking me if I would be open to getting back together in the future when he is a changed person etc to which I said yes. I tried to do the no contact rule but he texts me once every 3-4 days and when I ignored him for a week he asked if I was genuinely over him and was visibly upset. He also keeps asking my friends how I’m doing etc, and tells me he wants to remain friends. Should I still try the contact rule and should I reply his messages?

    • Have you thought about making any changes yourself? Being needy destroys relationships, and usually springs from low self-esteem. Do some work on yourself; learn to like, even love yourself. Have a life outside your relationship. When he stops feeling that you are a burden he is increasingly unable to bear, things will get better between you; probably a lot better.

  15. Hi! I was in a ldr he’s from London and I’m currently in Taiwan. We met while traveling around Europe and did some trips together. It all lasted for 6 months. We came to Taiwan to visit me and we’ve spent a month in London together. We both broke up couple days ago because we couldn’t settle a end day for the distance. He will take a teaching English course and move to Asia but still don’t know exactly when due to money issues. Should I go for the NC rule? What if he gets in touch because he will… We all care about each other deeply. Thanks

    • Have a grown-up discussion about the future. Don’t criticize or blame, but look for solutions. If there is one, then good. If there isn’t, then accept that it’s not to be.

      A LDR should only be a temporary situation. If you don’t have a solid plan to be together at some point, then you are indulging in fantasy. And holiday romances, which is how this one began, are usually best left on holiday. It’s a lovely memory of sun, sand and yes, escapism. Keep it as a poignant memory to brighten up a particularly dull or dreary day.

      LDRs have a low success rate. It’s best not to get involved in one, unless there is a very good reason why you should.

  16. This is about a year that my boyfriend and i are in a relationship .we have many things in common in different aspects of life . We have always many things to speak about.we are attracted physically and emotionally , specially him . But the problem about this year and him is that after a month of our dating he had big No in his mind .he wanted to break up because he has so much fear about everything and that caused many problems for us .it prevents him to be emotional and get involve in bilateral relationship .and this have made me upset so much .we hadnt quarrel at all but we tried to speak in peace and respect and kindness . I tried to be patient and understand him in every situation and also talked about what i feel about his behaviour .even when i was sad and angry .
    But one week he was excited and ok and one week he stepped back .whenever i have asked him to break up he became upset and tears in his eyes .till few days ago that his behaviour made me sad .i asked him to come around to speak about . And he said we should break up for awhile and at least for 3 months until he can solve this problem and be sure if he wants to stay and decide for marriage or not .he was too sad and me either but i accepted . He went and tomorrow he sent msg that he wanted to comeback the other night and say that he cant break up and it is really hard for him .but he should bear it maybe this helps and brings some changes because our relationship wasnt equal and he said i cant have act of kindness and give your love back equally . He always say that loves me and cares about me .whenever im sad he tries his best to calm me down .even when he wanted to say goodbye came to me and gave me hug and kisses. From that day till now he has called me once and send me some text msgs .he says he is worry about me so much and wanted to know how i am .he started to talk about what he has done during his day and even told me that is going to have dinner with his friend .hr said still doesnt think about other things. He says you are so special for me and i cant forget you easily and it is really hard for me to think you are with someone else ..pls give me some time and space .i spent really hard time because he is a really good guy .and want him back .
    I want you to tell me what do you think about his behaviour ?
    Am i answer him when he texts or leave him thinking more and miss. He has told me before that if you rejected me i would eager more for you ! Maybe he needs my rejection during our no contact ..i tell him i dont want to wait for him and its better to forget each other .i really dont know what to do ?( he is 40 and im 37 )will he come back ?
    Pls help me

    • He sounds very conflicted. At 40 he is likely to have a significant romantic history. How much do you know about his previous relationships? If he experienced a particularly painful relationship or breakup, then perhaps he is afraid of a repeat. Sometimes such men are described as “wounded bears”, and they often find it difficult to feel faith and trust again.

      If you think he is the right man for you, you can try giving him space and waiting to see if he comes back. But, depending on how damaged they are, such men are not always capable of leaving the past behind. Keep in touch if you want to, but keep some distance between you too. It’s best to avoid sex, and putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. Live a little, give him time to resolve his issues, but put a limit on it. You can’t wait forever, and he shouldn’t expect you to.

  17. My boyfriend broke up with me mid November claiming that he didn’t like the person he was becoming. Our relationship was great and we continued to meet up and it was like we weren’t exes. He kept telling me that he wasn’t ruling out getting back together. However, I sent a text he took a disliking to as I was finding it difficult being left hanging and feeling in limbo. When he didn’t respond to me, I drove 40 mins to his house but he wouldn’t let me in and started ignoring my texts and calls. I bombarded him for a few weeks and got nothing back. After starting no contact just before day 4 I got a text from him saying ‘I don’t hate you’. I didn’t know what to reply but I figured he was initiating contact or messaging out of guilt. A day and a half later, I casually replied back ‘few people do’ and tried to keep it light hearted. I haven’t had a reply back. Shall I ask him outright whether he is ready for a reconciliation or wait for him (if at all) to be back in touch?

    • That was a was a good reply. Remember you said you were doing No Contact, so how about trying to stick to it? After just 4 days, he isn’t ready for a reconciliation. It might take 4 weeks, or 4 months, or even longer.

      Why didn’t he like the person he was becoming? Was he beginning to feel stifled within your relationship?

      Let it be. Don’t ask him about a reconciliation; that’s his job. You have to wait, wait until he is ready, until he has made up his mind what he wants. If it’s you , he will do something about it. If it isn’t, then nothing you do now will change his mind.

      • Thank you for your reply. My boyfriend said I was spending too much time training with the Army Reserves and he wanted to see me all the time (he didn’t have his own hobbies to engage with). Before we started dating he had been working on a couple of business ideas but he stopped working on them, instead focusing on the relationship. He said there were things he wanted to achieve and felt he couldn’t commit to a relationship at the same time, as he was becoming lazy and complacent. He was VERY intense with me in the relationship and in a short while asked to marry me and move in. I said it was too soon for both. Shortly after this, he seemed to become distant and was not as attentive and a few weeks later broke up with me – I was so confused!

        When I went round to his house without asking, he said that my behaviour scared him – particularly when I kept texting and calling. He also told me that he needed time. I guess my behaviour after the break up really created a rift between us.

        As an aside, he owes me £400. I asked for it back after the break up and he said he would give it to me at the end of January. I guess I just have to wait to see if he is forthcoming with paying it back.

        • A man should have a purpose, so it’s not surprising that he didn’t like the person he was becoming. He needs to sort his life out before gets into another relationship, with you or anyone else. But there are 3 red (or at least pink) flags here; talking about marriage so quickly (especially when he didn’t have a secure future ahead), and borrowing money which he hasn’t (yet) paid back. The third is his lack of support for your Army training, for the selfish and rather feeble reason that he didn’t know what to do with himself if you weren’t there. This man needs to pull his socks up and make some changes if he wants to be worthy of any woman worth having. However, he seems to be aware of that, and apparently has intentions to do so. So if you still want him back, you should wait and see if it ever happens. Remember, talk is cheap. Actions are what count.

  18. After five years and so much drama and marriage postponing, he finally said he doesn’t know if he still wants to marry me. I asked “are we still getting married?” He answered I don’t know yet”. And at that moment I asked that we break up. The NC has been just a week and he’s texted hi. I blocked him initially so I don’t know if he tried contacting earlier on. I love him dearly and I’m not sure why he said that about us getting married especially after we had waited so long for things to settle. Prior to the questioning he had been so distant. What do I do?

    • If he doesn’t KNOW that he wants to marry you, then he’s right not to. I know that’s hard to hear, but in your heart you must know it’s true. And anyway, what woman wants to have to talk a man into marrying her?

      If you want to try to change all that, then this article will help you understand some things about men and commitment, and this article will tell you what makes a man ready to beg a woman to marry him.

  19. I liked a this guy for 7 years. He is a year older than me and recently I just got into degree and found out that we are in the same uni. We bumped into each other a lot. He knew about me liking him because we have mutuals and his best friend is in the same course as I am. and a month and a half ago, we made it official. He made a move by asking me out and texting me. We were very flirty from the start. I admitted that it was pretty fast because we said the 3 words on the first date. Normally I would control myself and not give myself that easily but I really liked him and he made it seemed that he really loved me. We clicked instantly. We had a lot of common interests. For the first two weeks, we were inseparable. He would come to me at 3AM just because I was hungry and bought me food. Although he never called but he texted me a lot.

    However, everything went cold after that. I was away for a couple of days so I told him that I won’t be able to see him but we still texted each other. but then after I came back, I was expecting him to come and see me but he said he was busy. He didn’t text anymore. There were some days where I didn’t text him just to see if he would text me back but he didn’t so I had to initiate and I tried addressing the issue casually coz I didn’t want to be seem as needy cause our relationship hadn’t even passed 1 month yet. He said that he understood but he didn’t even apologised.

    One day I confronted him and I asked him if he is busy I need to know cause he can’t just cut me off like that. He said that he can’t commit. He said that it was good the first two weeks but it died down and that it made it even hard cause he said the fact that he made a move on me was because his best friends suggested me and because I liked him. He told me that he is not the kind of person who would put such effort on girls at all. He had some past issues with a girl and it made him cold but when he met me He really felt good and wanted to make it work but he said that he tried and couldn’t. We ended it in a good way cause I can’t really force him right? But I really really love him. HELP ME. Do you think this no contact rule will work? I bumped into him a week ago and I made sure to sound happy which I did but I was actually broken inside. HELP ME

    • You’re right in saying that you can’t force him to be with you. And the more you try, the faster he will run. You’re doing the right thing by backing off and sounding happy when you meet, so keep it up. Give him enough space, and maybe he will decide he wants to try again. But in future try not to let things happen so quickly. Always remember that the woman should control the speed with which a relationship develops. A man who is attracted will chase, and he won’t be put off if you don’t make it too easy for him. And if he is, well, then you’ll know he wasn’t very keen in the first place; and you’ll save yourself a lot of pain by not investing in men who are not worth it.

  20. Hello guys my English is not as good..still m trying. My ex broke up with me almost 2 months.in this two months we are in on n off contact after 30days of break up he suddenly called me n say sorry n he wants to keep the contact with me.he loves me but but dnt want to be in a relationship with me.thn I started the NC for 5days n I failed.lst Saturday he called me n say he loves me n he wants to see me.this Sundaywe mate but he told me for next 2yars he wont able to be Iin the relrelationship but he dnt want to lose me.so frm moMonday I am again starting the NC but he calling me every day what should I do? I am very mch confused plz help me ..I think this is the right forum for me to share my prblm ..plz help me

    • So he doesn’t to be in the relationship, but he doesn’t want to lose you. So what does he want? Just friends? Friends with benefits? If you don’t know, perhaps you should ask him directly.

      However, what matters here is what YOU want. You want a full relationship with this man, but whatever it is he’s offering right now, it isn’t that. So perhaps you should tell him so. Say you accept that he wants to leave the relationship for now; and that means you are now single. Tell him to call you if he changes his mind, but you will not be waiting around for him to do so. Wish him well for the future.

      If he continues to call, be friendly and a bit flirty, but don’t try to pry into his life. Instead you need to build a new life for yourself; and above all, you should not sleep with him. He may decide to come back. He may not. But don’t let him keep you in the kind of unsatisfactory connection you have at the moment. Maybe he is genuinely confused about his future with you. Maybe he has other problems or issues that he needs to resolve before he can commit to any relationship. Maybe he just wants a FwB. Make it clear that’s not good enough for you, but if you want him back, don’t be angry or hostile. Leave the door open for him to change his mind.

  21. Hi.
    Am sorry engish is not my first language but am gonna try my level beat to express myself.
    According to this site it seems like its more for girls being taught on how to apply “no contact rule”.But am a boy,and i really have a hard situation after a breakup with my girlfriend (2 months now) and am so much looking for the site to help me with my situation 🙁 .

    I just want to know if i can also use this so called “no contact rule” or its only for girls?

    • Hi Gerry, Yes, the no contact rule is an effective strategy in most breakups. As you say it’s 2 months since your breakup, I wonder if you’ve been chasing your girlfriend trying to get her back, and that’s why you’re now asking about no contact. If so, you might find this article helpful in explaining what is NOT effective.

      As you say, this site is intended mainly for women, but you might also find this article helpful too. Best of luck!

  22. My ex broke up with me just over 2 weeks ago, he said he doesn’t think he can make me happy anymore even though he still loves me (which is really confusing) I am missing him like crazy and would love us to get back together..I started the no contact rule which is so difficult, he txt me yesterday on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, I just responded with a thanks. He’s made first contact so should I make the next contact or wait until the 30 days of no contact is over?

    • From your other posts it looks as if he wants to stay in contact with you. Why not drop him a casual invitation to a social event where you will part of a group? If he comes, you will be able to see whether he makes a point of seeking your company. If he doesn’t, you’ll know he was just fishing, in which case you should return to keeping up the no contact period for several more weeks.

  23. I went to sleep early & my mom contacted my ex-boyfriend bc she couldn’t get a hold of me. He broke up with me a little more than a week ago. I eventually woke up from the calling and noticed that he had messaged me saying that my mom was trying to get in touch. It’s unfortunate that my parent had to involved while I was in no contact. I haven’t responded to him yet. What do I do?

    • As your ex was only passing on a message from your mother, I doubt whether he expects you to contact him – there is no reason why you should, after all. It’s your mother who wants to speak to you – and when you do, make sure you put her in the picture!

    • It depends why you’re mad at him. Did he do something terrible? Or have you calmed down enough now to see that whatever it was, it wasn’t really that important. If the former, then you have every right to stay mad until you get an apology. It could take a while, but you must hold out for it, otherwise he will never really respect you. If the latter, then it’s a bit trickier. It’s silly to quarrel over something trivial, but there needs to be some mutual acknowledgement that you have both behaved stupidly. And it won’t be very easy to get that out of him. However, there’s no harm in holding out for something a little more conciliatory than just “are you going to stay mad at me”.

  24. my ex has sent a text asking whether im in town . i got panicked so i still did not respond to it. he can see whether i have read the text. should i respond to him or i shouldnt. its only one week we have been in no contact

    • Unless he did something bad that caused the breakup, there’s no harm in replying. But leave it a few hours first. If he wants to see you, it’s probably better to say you’re too busy, so you’ll have to catch up next time you’e both in town.

      • Thanks for reply. I did reply and he replied few things. He did not ask me to meet yet. I sent only brief replies. And I stopped it after few. I’m just worried he is doing this to keep me as a friend rather than getting back. Because we were friends just like we were a good couple.

          • My ex contacted me again and he said I’m a wonderful woman.but he never said he wants to meet me or get back together.he has always been a less expressive person. I don’t know what to do.whether I should be the one to push him to open up or leave him to figure out.we broke up bcz he said he can’t do a relationship n he said he ie doesn’t know whether he loves me. So should I let him go

            • Yes. It will be hard, in fact it will probably be devastating for you, but your boyfriend has tried to be honest with you, and now you have to let him go. Putting him under more pressure will only be counter-productive for you. You must set him free to decide his own future.

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