Even though your relationship has ended up on the scrapheap – by your own choice – sometimes, such is the perverseness of human nature; you decide that you want him back. And surely, if you broke up with him, it should be easy.

Big mistake!!

If you broke up with him, you could find it harder to get him back than a woman who has been dumped. When a man dumps his girlfriend, he may just be relieved it is over, but more often he feels doubt, regret, guilt and a whole host of emotions than can make him susceptible to the idea of reconciliation.

But a man who’s been dumped will feel angry, hurt, humiliated and not in the least bit forgiving. If you broke up with him, trying subsequently to get him back can backfire spectacularly. For him it can be the perfect revenge, the ultimate satisfaction and a final confirmation that the relationship is indeed over.

By trying to get him back after you broke up with him, you are handing him victory out of the ashes of defeat. It can transform the situation in an instant. You have come crawling back, and now he can decide he no longer wants you.

So if you broke up with him, then you have a problem when you decide you want him back. You will need to be subtle rather than obvious. You can’t rush in yelling ‘Come back! I love you! All is forgiven!’ and expect him to fall swooning with joy into your arms.

Is there a chance for you?
Can you get your ex boyfriend back?

You Broke Up With Him – So Why Do You Want Him Back?

If you broke up with him, you MUST have a good and persuasive reason for wanting him back. It has to be good enough to be able to convince a man you have rejected that you would both be fools to throw a good relationship away.

you broke up with him

So what is your reason?

In the aftermath of a breakup it is normal to feel regret and to doubt your decision. But this alone is not a good enough excuse to get back together. Reasons like these listed below are not a solid basis on which to build a lasting relationship.

Deciding that he is your whole life, and you will die without him

Considering that you dumped him, this is the reaction of an immature woman with shaky self-esteem. Your boyfriend is not a prop or a shield protecting you from real life, or from your own inadequacies. You need to go out and build a satisfying life for yourself before you try combining it with someone else.

You’re afraid you’ll never find someone better

A few weeks of the single life have reminded you how much you hate it. This means you are settling, and this is unfair to him and won’t make you happy either. Accept that you are wrong for each other and move on.

You are not happy alone

Until you can be happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with someone else. Work on your own issues and learn to love yourself first. If you don’t, why should anyone else?

You think it will be different next time

Why? What has changed?

Accept that you are going to feel bad for a while, and look to the future. Relationships go wrong for a reason, and you need to be clear about what that reason was. Were there enough positives in your relationship to make it worth saving?

Here are some good reasons for wanting to get back together.

The breakup was the result of a mistake that can be put right.

The breakup was caused by a fight about something that can be resolved.

You were mostly happy together before the breakup happened.

You want the same things out of life, and share the same values.

It’s essential to give the breakup some serious thought, and make sure your clearly understand what caused it. You won’t know whether there’s any point in trying to get back together until you do.

Why You Broke Up With Him

Every breakup is different, but here are some common reasons why relationships end.

You had a big fight or a serious row

Was this a one-off or were you constantly fighting? Conflict drains relationships, so if you are failing to get on in a major way then you might be better off apart. But if you were happy most of the time, then you must decide whether the reason for the breakup can be resolved.

One of you had ongoing trust or commitment issues

If you were always checking up on your boyfriend, or he on you, or one of you was over-possessive and clingy, then the other partner may have felt smothered. You have to be able to trust each other and give each other space. You will appreciate each other all the more when you do spend time together.

The grass looked greener on the outside

This is usually a sign of boredom. You can solve this, but be sure you have a relationship that is worth saving; and not just one that looks better from a distance. You should never try to resurrect an unsatisfactory relationship just because you found the single life a disappointment

you broke up with him

You weren’t attracted to him anymore

Is this because he let himself go, or is it familiarity breeding contempt? Once the physical attraction has worn off, you may find there was nothing else between you to replace it. In these cases there is probably no relationship left that is worth saving.

Your boyfriend cheated on you

This is a tough one, and you certainly shouldn’t be willing to forgive serial infidelity. You need to know why it happened so that you can decide whether you really want him back. It should be him seeking the reconciliation here, not you. Don’t even think of taking him back unless he is very, very contrite. For more advice on this, visit this page.

You cheated on your boyfriend

Why? And why do you regret it now? Men are not always very forgiving towards cheating girlfriends, so you’d better have some convincing reasons for wanting him to come back. For more advice on this, visit this page.

Getting Your Plan Together

But there’s another problem.

You need to have a good reason, but you can’t convince him to come back.

Relationships are all about feelings. So although you must have a good reason to have any realistic chance of getting your boyfriend back, you can’t use it to persuade him to come back.

You have to make him feel it.

The problem here is that you have destroyed his fundamental faith in the relationship. By breaking up with him, you have proved that love – your love, that is – does not conquer everything. It has limits, and your relationship is weaker and more fragile than he hoped or imagined.

Inevitably this will undermine his commitment to it. He will be less willing to give his all to something he now knows can be broken. In his eyes, its value is lessened.

One thing should be clear to you, and that is that your old relationship has failed. You need a new mindset that will create a new and better relationship, if you are really to get back together.

It’s imperative that you don’t let your boyfriend know too quickly about your regrets, or any second thoughts. This means practicing No Contact (go here to find out more about this). You need to show a positive face to the world and show him what he has lost. This means working on yourself, both mentally and physically.

You Broke Up With Him, So You Must Show Him What He’s Lost

He has to want to get back with you – just because you dumped him, it doesn’t mean you can make him fall back into your arms just by crooking your little finger at him. You need to ramp up the chemistry between you so that he finds you more desirable than ever.

you broke up with him

Physical improvements

When a man sees his former girlfriend looking great, he feels regret over his loss. No matter what else is going on in his mind, he can’t help but remember the good times you had together when you remind him with your radiant desirability. So you need to work on your appearance.

Get in shape

Even if you are not keen on exercise, this isn’t the time to give in to laziness. The more toned and fit you are, the sexier you will feel. And how you feel is reflected in how you look and carry yourself.

Eat clean, healthy food, and cut out the sugar

This will improve your skin, your hair and your shape. And it will stop you sitting around moping and eating ice cream and cakes all day.

Buy some new and sexy clothes

Sexy doesn’t mean revealing. Wear clothes that show off your feminine shape; and your ex boyfriend won’t be able to keep his eyes off you.

Emotional improvements

Remember that your volatile emotional state could lead to you making some serious mistakes (go here to find out more about that). Breakups are hard to cope with, so you can use these tips to boost your mental strength and confidence.

Focus on a new goal at work

It’s time to work towards that promotion; or if you don’t like your work, then make a plan to find a new job. Achieving something positive in your professional life will make you feel good about yourself.

Take up or renew a hobby

Spending your leisure time actively will give your life purpose and stop you brooding over your boyfriend. And in his eyes it will show that you are enjoying yourself and building a new life.

See your friends and have fun

Accept invitations and go out with your friends. Meeting new people will show you that your life isn’t over, and having fun is a great way to get over a breakup.

How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back When You Broke Up With Him

Think about that last piece of advice.

Go Out And Have Fun.

This is powerful. This confirms and escalates you social value. And your social value is your boyfriend’s proof of the significance of what he has lost.

Every man wants to have the woman that every other man wants. Men are deeply competitive, and he wants to believe that the most desirable girl he knows chose him because he was better than all the other men she could have chosen.

A man doesn’t want the girl who sits in the corner, not talking to anyone. He wants the girl who is the center of attention, the one all the other guys are competing for. The girl sitting alone may be easier to get, but she doesn’t confer any status or sense of achievement on him.

Because you broke up with him, you have a barrier to overcome in order to get him back. You have to make him feel that he’s right to want you still, even though you dumped him. That’s why looking good and confirming your social value is so important.

There‘s a lot to learn about getting your boyfriend back. It’s a complex process which can’t be compressed into the scope of a single article. For the ultimate, comprehensive, step by step guide, check out the link below.

book dreams-compressed

This Post Has 111 Comments

  1. Kay

    I broke up with my boyfriend because I’ve been sick and I felt like he wasn’t being supportive. He wasn’t checking on me asking if I’m feeling better. But now I feel like I made a mistake by breaking up with him

    1. Sarah

      You think you made a mistake by having standards and now you want to abandon them? Don’t.

      1. Candice

        Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend I had been with for 3 years we had a very happy relationship and were best friends, I struggle with anxiety so when we moved to university (different ones) and I am studying a very intense course I got overwhelmed and ended it, about 3 days later I told him I regret it and he said he was hopeful and wanted to make things work but then he went cold as I kept not giving him space (I know I made it worse I was just so scared) we met up and we cried a lot and he told me he wouldn’t be in the right mentality to make a decision on what was best and to be in a relationship with me until Christmas. However I didn’t really listen to him and sent a lot of messages saying how much I loved him and how sorry I was which made him block me a few times, 3 weeks of this and him changing his mind a lot he said he we weren’t getting back together as I had made him anxious and sad and I didn’t respect his feelings and as he is struggling with university also and friend issues he didn’t want to focus on repairing us he needed to focus on that and that he hadn’t even thought about us because of it. The last thing I’ve said is that although I don’t want to walk away I have to respect his decision and that I love him and I apologised for how I’ve made him feel and that if he felt that he was ready to be in the relationship to reach out. I am now trying NC (on day 2) hoping this will give him the time and space away to hopefully want to have the relationship. We will both be going home for Christmas and I’m thinking after that I could ask him to meet up, is this is a good idea (will be about 30 days of NC) and what do you think about the situation and anything else I can do to fix things.

        1. Sarah

          You’ve already made quite a few mistakes so perhaps you should give him some space to think about things calmly. That means not putting a time limit on when you might see him again. Give him a chance to decide that for himself; it will show him that you mean it when you say you respect his decision.

    2. Lulu

      Broke up w my bf once bc he cheated, he came back made him work for it and we got back together. Tried to break up with him 2nd time bc our emotional needs were different. He took me on vacation. 3rd time was after the vacation. I got really drunk and he said I was acting ungrateful and just cared about his $ also he was showing red flags. I broke up with him he didn’t want to break up and I ghosted . I said happy bday and he contacted me a week later. Then calmly I told him we needed to work on ourselves otherwise we would always be broken and I still cared for him but i needed time to work on myself. He said he respected that finally. Then I said happy thanksgiving and he responded me2 and about his work . I texted him twice. One saying good for you! And the other saying u r prob busy tonight, but just wanted to say hello. And it’s been a week haven’t heard back. I do love him and I wish I could be clear and say I want to be together but you need to step up and get your shit together. Or something Idk

  2. Keon

    This article is FULL OF NON-SENSE.. I’ve been there & been left by a woman I was with for 5 Years. She was 27 & I was 28. We’d been the best of best friends first and met at age 18. It’s was MAGICAL … She broke my heart and left me.. went from Atlanta to Houston. The main thing that hurt was KNOWING that the love of my life GAVE UP ON ME, and secondly KNOWING she’d slept with other men. By far these two things SHATTERED ME for Months to come. I am still not and will never be the same person. The fact that I begged and cried for her to Stay and she still planned, executed and went through with this drastic move is Beyond me. We were very much grown enough to know that we were each other’s Soulmate/Life Partner.. I realized I was wrong and thought our bond was stronger than it actually was. We didn’t break up for any apparent reason, but had been arguing multiple times a week for the previous couple months. About a Year and a half later after the break up, I contacted her bc I thought of her & she immediately answered and cried and poured her heart out. She came to visit the very next week for 3 days. We were so excited and I thought to myself OH HAPPY DAY (Id been dreaming about that day for sooo long lol) We were still the best of partners because she’d known me for 10 years of life and we were best friends first so it felt great, until she tried to have sex with me (and ALL the emotions & thoughts returned) .. she Could not get me aroused in the *Slightestttt bit, I almost felt embarrassed FOR her. That happened 3 x’s in those 3 days. But when it all boiled down and the serious talks were had before she came, and after she left… The Fact that she couldn’t just cry out “I MADE A MISTAKE” “I FUCKED UP” “I MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE” and wanted to still remain the same person that felt like she did what she felt was best & had to do (saying it was “her truth”) unfortunately meant NOTHING could make it make sense on why she left me other than “You gave up on Us” .. when u let a man realize that you genuinely feel (even for a moment) that Life will be better w/out him.. he’s gone *forever. LOGIC will not leave us, especially after you have. IF YOU WANT HIM BACK, & YOU KNOW HE LOVED YOU… YOU BETTER FUCKIN CRY OUT! Lol seriously YOU BETTER BE SORRY, YOU BETTER FEEL REGRET, REMORSE, AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE THE ONLY. All these games that this article asks to participate in are PURE BULLSHIT & each social media post and time u went out just widened the gap between us and ever rekindling anything. I COULD NEVER go back to a woman who didn’t even feel like the worst pain of my life was a Mistake on he doing. Smh so u fucking other guys was necessary for us to grow?? It never was & will never be. Playing these games will get you Hurt & alone in the end. Take it from me…. and I love her to the core STILL, but will not choose to torment myself with this person and the fact that when the going got tough they did not endure.

    1. Sarah

      You don’t know how you would have felt if she’d told you she made a mistake as it never happened. And it’s clear that you are very, very angry that she didn’t. But what you do write in such anger suggests that had she done so you might well have decided you didn’t want her after all – just as the article says.

    2. Chastity

      Great response! It is always good to hear the perspective from a man’s point of view. Thank you Keon

    3. Dwayt

      Keon…I like your response and advice brother. We men apologize for SMALL things but women don’t apologize. we always have to guess. Men are human too, just apologize and they need to feel your apology. A guy that truly loves you will forgive no matter what after you apologize.

  3. Ken

    This article might be the worst advice article I have ever read. Guy or Girl, if you broke up with your ex and you want them back, make the move to get them back. I’m not saying throw a text out of nowhere saying “lets get back together”, maybe a simple text like “How have you been?” and after a few back and forths end it with a “let’s catch up sometime.” Yes, if they reject you in text or when you meet up in person it will sting, but Jesus Christ, I’m sure it stung a ton more to them, when you initially broke it off. Playing these nonsense games this author is suggesting only makes things way more confusing and gives your ex more time to find someone who is not you.
    Bottom line, if they were not a bad person or they did not treat you badly, and you want them back, get them back.
    The best answer is typically the easiest, but it does not make for an interesting article to read.

    1. Sarah

      You have a point, but why would someone who gets on that well with their ex have dumped them? There must have been something fundamentally wrong in the relationship, even though they still cared for each other, to end it.

      1. Mike

        Immaturity…Essentially not being content and valuing what you have. Being tempted by all those fake social media posts that are carefully curated to create desire and greed. Plenty of people fall for it, and plenty of people spend their lives chasing happiness when it really just comes from within.

      2. Kaygee

        I’m beating myself up (figuratively) because I broke up with the love of my life on the basis that we don’t have the same belief system. We were both Christian as friends before dating, then he decided to change his belief to ancestral worships /sangoma/ mediums and some other thins I don’t understand. When he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, I agreed knowing that he wasn’t Christian anymore although it was (still is) important to me to be with a Christian man. He’s honestly an amazing guy, I’d say better than most Christian guys in terms of his character but I found it unbearable to carry the guilt of being with someone who was an unbeliever so I broke up with him about a month ago after 6 months of dating. 😭 I bumped into him at the mall a week later, but my heart dropped because of how respectful and nice he still was. I missed him tons so I then sent him a happy new year text. He replied – didn’t block me or turn bitter coz I broke his heart, instead he sent me a beautiful message on my birthday last week wishing me the best. About 3 days ago he sent a “ Have a blessed day ahead Queen 😘❤️“ text with a heart and a kiss emoji. He still views my statuses/profile updates every time I update. I want him back but I’m still conflicted about our religious differences. I’m afraid that he might move on while I’m still tryna figure this out. 😩 I love him to bits and I know he does too but my faith is my first priority and he doesn’t want to be Christian again.. I just don’t know what to do. Help!!

        1. Sarah

          You have to decide which is more important to you: him or your faith. And you are the only one who can make that decision.

  4. teagen

    theres this guy i was completely and utterly in love with. we were together for a little over a year and i broke up with him because there was constant arguing. besides this arguing we were crazy about eachother. he surprised me at my soccer games and i surprised him at his hockey games. we went to a carnival and watched the fireworks hand in hand. we went out for ice cream, took a walk in a park. we would go to the library during class or lunch and he and i would write music together. we both bought guitar at the same time. we got matching bracelets with our initials put into it saying “G+C=forever” on them. it was usually smiles, laughs, and every look at each other we would fall instantly more. for some reason i broke up with him in the end. and the reason is because of the arguing and the commitment. other than that are relationship was like a movie. it was so romantic and you can tell we were in love. as a girl i have a large tendency of writing terribly long paragraphs. we began talking. it has been a few months past a year since i ended things and completely broke him. he began taking therapy, would constantly cry, and switched high schools because of me. we started talking as friends in January but when we began to hit it off i wrote a huge paragraph to him and i believe that made things worse. i always try telling him how i feel in paragraphs whenever we get closer. but as i read your article, you cant convince, you need to make him feel. i just don’t know how and i am really lost because he is the love of my life. and when i say that i mean it whole heartedly. i feel like i messed my opportunity up cause he has not been responding that much. i want to have hope and i feel like if i was his first love and he was mine, maybe there is some hope left. but i don’t know what to do can you please help me on how to show him i care without moving to fast? i want to win him back. i think that he is scared to trust me and i know he will not give me as much of his all like he did at first because of how i broke him but i would really like to prove to him that we belong. i have never and will never experience the type of feeling i have for him with no other

    1. Sarah

      It’s never a good idea to pour out your feelings in a letter to a man with whom you have broken up, but least you have now learnt that lesson (here are some more mistakes you should always avoid). As for never feeling again like you do now, that’s how first love always feels, but happily it’s not usually true (although everyone remembers their first love).

      You are still at school and therefore a teenager. It’s normal for feelings to be very intense at your age, but it’s also a sign of your immaturity. Remember that your education is very important and also the reason why you are at school. You say your ex switched schools to put some distance between you and that was probably a good thing. You sound confused about your own feelings too, breaking up for reasons you don’t seem to understand then wanting him back. Try to take some time to understand yourself better and why you do the things you do: after all, if you don’t then how can you expect your ex (or anyone) to trust you? Tomorrow you might have changed your mind again and still without knowing why.

  5. Mike

    Who wrote this garbage?! Oh right another woman telling women how men think. Forgive me if I’m wrong but I didn’t hear anything about owning YOUR shit. You made a mistake and instead of trying to honesty own it, this article tells you to play games. Go to the gym, be more attractive yada yada. I’ve been there and seen right through it, and walked away with a smile because she was still self centered and narcissistic on the inside. The man you want has seen you for what you are and checked out. If you want him to check back in then try to actually show you care by trying to heal the heart you broke. Yes you will take a risk in him saying no but that does clear the air and closes the book for both of you to move on. I’m telling you this article is garbage

    1. Sarah

      FYI ladies…

  6. King Nana

    I met this guy on my street, and we started talking to each other, we became friends for weeks. Then he asked me out but I refused because I liked him as a friend. After then, we didn’t communicate for a month because I traveled for an emergency call. When we reconnected again, he sounded happy on phone, so I developed feelings for him and confessed my feelings to him but he said that he just wants us to be just friends for now cause the feelings he had for me when he asked me out and after I rejected made it to fade away. We have been talking on phone through long distance, we have been close friends to each other, sometimes he confesses he loves me,he calls me most of the time and we talk for long. But I’m not sure about his feelings for me, if it’s true or not. But it’s been 3 months now we been friends, but I texted him to move on if he doesn’t love me, and I will not make him to fall in love with me cause I really loved him. After I sent him the text, he hasn’t replied or called me back for more than 2weeks now. Is he really angry with me for ending things with him and bruising his ego and pride? I still love him and want him to love me back. What should I do?

    1. Sarah

      I think you’ve got your answer in his failure to reply. He’s taken your advice and moved on. When someone retreats as he did at the beginning, it’s always a mistake to chase them, because it makes them retreat further. You need to give someone space to move into, and you do that by retreating yourself.

    2. Kiah

      I broke up with my boyfriend last week because I felt like we weren’t progressing. I’m very big on communication and problem solving on relationships. So when he does things that I don’t like I address the issue. Most of the time it’s minor things but I’ve never been one to bite my tongue and sometimes the little things build up. He will listen to my concerns and make an effort to change but no more than a week or two later he’s back to the same behaviors. Last week the very thing we discussed he did again for like the 3rd time since the initial conversation. I didn’t start an argument or even waste energy addressing it. I felt defeated and I have a lot of patience but I was fed up and the next day I told him I felt like I am not being heard and my feelings are being ignored. He suggested we take a break and this offended me and I personally don’t agree with breaks so I let him know if that’s what he wants to do then we just need to end the relationship and focus on ourselves. He insisted we just need a little break and the next few days we casually texted but his energy was off and it seemed as if I was talking to a stranger. It was very robotic, short, and forced. So I just told him I didn’t think this would work. I love him very much but when do you walk away and when do you stick it out and try harder. The relationship was mostly great. I now feel I may have made a mistake. I expressed that to him and he said “everything will work out in the end” and left it at that. I don’t know if he wants this anymore but he continues to text me daily but the conversations seem forced. Should I give him space or is this it?

      1. Sarah

        There’s not a lot of give and take in your world, is there? Everything has to be done your way. “Most of the time it’s minor things” – your own words – and yet you can’t just live and let live. I’m not one bit surprised he wants a break. I think you’re lucky he’s put up with you this long. I wouldn’t.

  7. Cindy

    Came out of a divorce and I wasn’t ready to commit when I met him. I did a lot of things that hurt him including downloading online dating apps and lying to him which he of course found out. The crazy things is I was doing things that weren’t me and I fact very uncharacteristic of me. He forgave me for everything and stood by my side while I try figure myself out for months. I still felt so confused so I ended up breaking up with him because I really needed clarity, I didn’t feel like what I was doing was fair to both of us. I needed time alone to figure things out. 2 months later, I finally feel emotionally Availiable and he gave me chances to hangout with him but we kept getting into argument because he acts hot and cold and it made me feel insecure. He also told me that he doesn’t love me anymore but that he stills cares about me while crying. After our most recent chat, he tells me if we’re to have a chance at making this work we need a clean break indefinitely but yet he’s confident that we’ll see each other at a later time. He has told me he need time and space to explore to find himself. He walked me to my car and kissed me. I asked him why he did that and he told me he still loves me but not in love with me and cried again. It’s been a few days and I told myself to not reach out and try move on. Is that the right thing to do? Do I just try to reach out 30 days from now?

    1. Sarah

      Put briefly, you messed him about because you were in a bad place emotionally and now he is unsure of any future with you. So he wants a break which is both understandable and reasonable. Take one, and find out whether or not your feelings for each other are real.

      1. Socosote mele Isabel

        Please,I’ve read your article I broke up with my boyfriend some weeks ago and now i want him back I’m following the no contact but now he’s so constant in flaunting around my page on Facebook to go through my pics and also like them
        I’m to seek your advice what do I do

        1. Sarah

          Perhaps he wants to talk to you again but hasn’t worked himself up to contacting you again. Have a look at this article for signs that you boyfriend might want you back, and this article for how to contact your ex for the first time. But don’t be too eager to make up. If you do decide to contact him do so just once, and wait for him to respond. Remember that might take a while, so be ready to be patient.

          Alternatively you can wait for him to get up the nerve to contact you. This is in many ways a better strategy because he will have invested in it much more heavily, which means he will be more committed to the outcome. Bear in mind that if you make it too easy for him (i.e by contacting him first, instead of waiting for him to contact you), he may go cold again because he is reassured that you are still keen on him.

  8. sydney

    So I ended things with my boyfriend about 3-4 weeks ago, because we always argue and he knows how to put me in a bad mood and he does it on purpose. So I sent him a big paragraph explaining how I didn’t feel like it was going to work out and he replied with yeah that’s cool, so that got me thinking did he really care or was he really hurt? When we were together he would always bring up the fact that one of my friends was in love with me and I’d still hangout with him and one time even tried to kiss me while I was dating my ex, I said I was sorry but told him that I can be friends with whoever I want to, he did not like that. He is so insecure that he hates when I talk to other guys that like me, but I always point out the fact that I’m with you not them so if i liked them I wouldn’t be dating you, he doesn’t get that. Recently I’ve been missing him like crazy and I kinda of texted him apologizing I realize i shouldn’t have done that but I just missed him so much I couldn’t take it. He said but you ended things with me and now you want me back? He just wants to know why I could end things and now want him back. Like we’ve been through it all together and I love him and want things to work. Please help me I need advice.

    1. Sarah

      Why are you pretending to be friends with a man you know is in love with you? Is that kind – to HIM? Are you keeping him in reserve, as some kind of insurance? Or are you merely massaging your vanity?

    2. amy

      you seem quite rude tbh.

  9. Kantini

    Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago because everytime we argue, he always bring up the old mistake that I did back then (I admit and apologies many times already) and also to make it worse, the distance (we are in LDR at the moment). But in 3 weeks I will fly back to see him. He just doesn’t want to wait until then. Should I change my flight so I can see him faster even we broke up already? I just want him back to me. Or should I do the “no contact” with the last 3 weeks I have here before I fly back? But, does it works for no contact in LDR? Thank you

    1. Sarah

      There doesn’t seem to be much point in flying back early just to get another mouthful from your ex about your old mistake. If he can’t forgive you, he should let you go. If he wants to keep you, he needs to move on.

      The choice is his.

  10. Meli

    I dated a guy with a trust issues for 1,5 year. He mentioned it already before we start dating. But unfortunately, I did terrible things to him.. I lied to him several times (I admit Im wrong), we broke up but then we back together for a 2nd chance. But things change after that. He doesn’t easily believe what I say. His anxiety makes it worse. I know I deserve that. But I’ve changed. I never lie to him anymore (I learnt my lesson) & try my best to become a good gf. But everytime we argue, he always bring up the old stories. Telling how hurt he is, his issues, how my lies hurt his core, ect. Makes me feel guilty, even Im a good girl now.. and then we will break up again, & go back together once more. Im so frustrated, so at the end, I initiated the break up. Because when I asked him what he wants, he said he doesn’t know either. But later, I regret it. I want him back. I want a fresh start. I want to start all over again, start a – brand – new – relationship with him.. without old stories ghosting us. When I asked him back, he refused!
    Now I’m in lost. I dunno what to do. Can you help me please. What should I do? Will it work If I do the ‘no contact’ even I’m the one who initiated the break up? Thanks

    1. Sarah

      You initiated the breakup because you knew the relationship was going nowhere. It was the right thing to do. Then you took fright at the thought (quickly followed by the reality) of being single. With whom will you now spend your time? Being with him is better than being alone.

      It’s normal to think like this, but it’s not a reason to change your decision. Believe in yourself, face the future armed with the lessons you have learned, and build a new life for yourself.

  11. CJ

    I’m in the 1st relationship following the passing of my husband which makes this one really difficult to walk away from. We’ve only been together about 3 months, he too is a widow, and so far I’ve seen a lot of red flags that he’s not being truthful about what he really wants in a relationship, plus he’s been very wishy washy running hot and cold on his actions. He initially said he hopes that our relationship will grow into a long term relationship, and eventually hopes to get married, but his actions to me says otherwise-(This lack of commitment wouldn’t be an issue to me, but I feel he just needs to be truthful). He still frequents the dating site I met him on, and has done so the entire time since we began seeing each other. I realize that we are Not in a committed relationship at this time, and both of us are free to do as we please, but the final straw came about with us having scheduled dates, and him at the last minute cancelling several of them for one questionable reason or another, and saying that we need to reschedule them. Because I felt he was constantly disrespecting me by not acknowledging/realizing that my time, our plans, or I was important enough to keep the scheduled date I broke up with him. I told him that this isn’t going to work out because he apparently doesn’t value my time, or me enough to show up for the dates that we have scheduled, and that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. He said, “I told you that I’m a terrible boyfriend.” I said I tend to agree and I think whether you are a great or terrible boyfriend is a conscious choice, and that you can decide to be which ever one you choose to be, but apparently you choose to be that way. He said at the time that I broke up with him that he’d like to come over soon (not that day of course), and talk with me in person to see if we can resolve this issue. (I told him I’d be willing to talk to him, but that I’m not sure if it will solve anything or even if he’s wanting or willing to try to do better). He didn’t attempt to schedule a time or date to do that at that time, and lol it’s questionable whether he schedules a time if he will show up or cancel anyway. I told him I would Not call or text him, and if he wanted to talk to me he knows my number. It’s been 5 days since this happened so far, and I’ve yet to hear a word from him. I do suspect he will in time contact me, but believe it may be too little to late due to the amount of time that has passed-(I feel if he truly cared he would have contacted me later the day it happened, or by the next day at the latest). I’m also sure he’s still frequenting the dating site because I’ve seen him on there. Anyway, I actually care a lot about him, and miss having him in my life because we have a great time together (lol when he does show up), but I also refuse to allow him to treat me like I’m nothing while I’m waiting for him to actually decide to show up. I guess my questions are: 1)If/When he does call or text and want to talk (I suspect he will), should I talk to him, or should I just walk away, and count my losses on this one? 2) Why is so hard to just walk away, and get a guy who plays these kinds of games out of our heads/hearts? P.S.-Being single really bites lol. Thank you for your time, and all that you do to help others.

    1. Sarah

      I’m sorry your first experience of dating after losing your husband has been so disappointing, but I do feel you would do better to cut your losses here and walk away; and I suspect in your heart of hearts you know it it too. However, you have become emotionally attached to this man, so walking away will come at an emotional cost. I do think that cost is worth paying though, as this man is not going to make you happy.

      It’s very common for women to become emotionally involved before it is wise: that is before a man as shown himself to be both worthy and willing to commit. Try to make a conscious effort to hold back emotionally when you are dating, then you will be better qualified to see a man as he really is, rather than through rose-colored spectacles.

      If this man does call, and you are still set on seeing him, don’t make it too easy. When he suggests a date, be unavailable. Make him suggest 2 or 3 dates before saying you are free, and then cancel at the last minute. Treat him as casually as he is treating you, and see how he reacts. He might just shrug his shoulders and accept it (because it doesn’t matter that much to him), or he might buck up and start treating you with more respect. But don’t let things drift on in the same way. Take control of your life.

      1. CJ

        Thank you so much for your kind, and knowledgeable reply. Yes, you are very correct. In my mind I do know what needs to be done, and actually knew what I should have done very early on as it was like a nightmare emotional roller coaster ride. I certainly made the mistake of caring for, and latching on to someone who wasn’t available to be what I was searching for, and I too claim my share of the blame in this mess, as well, because I’m sure my early emotional attachment forced him to move even further away from me as well. I can honestly say that the entire time I felt like a stand by for him that he’d call or invite out when no one else was available, and if something he thought was a better offer would come up he’d just cancel with no regards to how it made me feel because I allowed it.

        I agree that I became too emotionally involved waaaayyyy too soon. I knew all along that he was Not Mr. Right, and that he wasn’t treating me right. All my family and friends seen that he was playing me very early on, and said to break things off with him, yet I continued to see him. I, for some reason, felt it was better to have Mr. Wrong in my life than no one at all, so I continued to put up with his behavior. I was trying to move forward with some feeling of stability, while trying to make some sense out of my life again after losing my husband, and even within the 1st couple of dates the signs and red flags were there that this wasn’t going to be possible with this particular guy. Instead of moving on then like I should have, still I attempted to envision, and try to make him, in my own mind, what/who I needed/wanted him to be. I was hoping that this man could, in time, be able to eventually step in where my husband had stepped out, even though my gut and just about every one of his actions were telling me differently, All the signs were pointing elsewhere, and although I saw them just like everyone else did, I chose to ignore them.

        I will certainly take your advice, and not allow an emotional attachment to form until a man has shown me that he is worthy of that attachment, and willing to commit, as to not go through this again. This will allow my mind to see things clearly, and as they truly are, so I’ll be able to make the right choices earlier on, and this will prevent my heart/emotional attachment from misleading me along the way.

        Today was day 7, and he still has not called, and I’m now not sure if he will or not. Personally, I think it would be better for all involved if he doesn’t. If he does call though, I will either tell him it’s too little, too late, or do exactly what you said to do because dealing with that kind of crap isn’t healthy for anybody.

        Thank you again for your reply it was so very helpful. If nothing else, I can at least chalk this 1st dating experience up to a good learning experience of what not to do in the future, but I can also say as I move on that it is His loss.

        1. Sarah

          I think that is a very positive outlook for the future, and I wish you well in finding a man who truly deserves you. Good Luck!

  12. Alexa

    I broke up with my boyfriend and wish I hadn’t. I want to get back together, or at least date eachother again. But he seems emotionally and mentally distant, like he’s keeping me at a distance. I told him after we spent the night together after a few weeks of being broken up, that I wanted to with him. But he said he’s not ready for that, I hurt him, that I was unhappy because of some things that are important to me not being important to him and that he was afraid for a month before I broke up with him- that I’d break up with him over some disagreement or him saying the wrong thing or at the wrong time. We live on the same street and I was happy being with him. He made me want to laugh more and take life less seriously, which is something that I really liked and that’s good for me. The only problem we had was that I was passive aggressive with the way I felt about our opposing views of something that’s very important to me. Everything else was great, I grew to really care for him when I didn’t expect to in the first place. Now I regret breaking up with him and I wish I could just get him to forgive me, feel amazing when I’m around and in his life, and to be get back together again or date again. What do I do? How do I get him back? We still have opposing views on something important to me, but For months I was working on being more patient with people who have opposing views to something so important to me, and for the past few weeks of us being broken up I’ve worked on not brining political or environmental political issues up with friends and family, or anyone I care strongly about in general. I acted brashly when I broke up with him, I didn’t even talk to him first and express to him how dissatisfied I was that he said he would do something and then never did it… if he had done what he said he would for what was important to me, then it would have shown me he does really care about me and truly respects what I care about. I made an effort to take part in something he really likes and I thought because he said he would all on his own, I thought he would do the same thing that I did for his interests, for mine. He’s 22

    1. Alexa

      I forgot to add to my original first comment above, along with us living on the same street we have been texting eachother. Most of the contact has been initiated by me, but today it was initiated by him. Should I follow the no contact rule now, even with us being in contact? Wouldn’t that be weird to do or maybe send a signal of disinterest? Before he would initiate most of our contact, he would talk to me throughout everyday and talk to me more enthusiastically too. He also said if I tell him I love him(which I did) that he will just process it as like a friend telling him they love him as like a friend. I feel like he lost all trust in me, like he doesn’t see a relationship with me as something that can make him happy and feel like he wants and should have in his life anymore…the way he used to.. he’s replaced thought of me/spending time with me, with playing computer games with friends online and began smoking again too, because it makes him feel happier and more at ease. I also began smoking again for the same reason, also to use it as moments of socializing with him.

      1. Sarah

        “…it makes him feel happier and more at ease.” But being with you is having the opposite effect, isn’t it?

    2. Sarah

      If you can’t tolerate people having opinions that differ from yours then you’ll just have to try and find someone who agrees with you about everything.

      No-one wants to be with someone who doesn’t let them be themselves, and love them for being that person. Have a look at this article for some more insight on that.

  13. Ellen

    I broke up with my boyfriend of one year following a bereavement. I have recently lost my brother, and at the time my boyfriend he had shown me amazing support, he’d always been very supportive and caring despite my insecurities. however there were underlying issues in the background that I’m thinking contributed to my breaking up with him despite the rash/impulsive moment where I decided the end things, As I mentioned, I was not a confident person ( this has since changed ) I had little self esteem and always worried that he would one day leave me, as he was a lovely, charming guy who was incredibly endearing despite his flaws. He is young, and behaves as such, I do not expect anything less of him. I expect him to act his age and go out with friends and have fun like most 20 year olds. I come from a large family and had to grow up quicker than my peers due to ongoing family problems and the tragic loss of my father in my early teens. so I am known for my maturity and seemingly older outlook despite my age. At the time of the breakup I was still on the pill, it wasn’t until I came off of it and had feedback from friends and family that I realised that being on it for 5+ months had resulted in me experiencing some adverse side affects that altered my mood and temperament ( I became more prone to lashing out, I was fragile emotionally and often found myself weeping at the smallest thing, I was depressed. ) the death of my brother tripled these negative feelings . Admittedly I was very co-dependant in our relationship, I spent almost all of my time with him and his family, this could be a contributing factor on why things have ended so badly between us? We had an argument a few weeks after my brothers funeral regarding a comment a friend of his made to me about a childhood friend of mine, it was racial and it angered me deeply. it was vile and unfunny and I told him as such. My boyfriend at the time found the joke to be quite funny, and expected me to have the same reaction? at the time the comment was made, he was out with friends, and was without a doubt drinking. however he did not say anything to reprimand his friend, and didn’t think it was his responsibility to step in and maybe say ” hey, there is no need for that ” or to even apologise? I thought this was immature and found myself lashing out. A lot of the things were said, and as such I put a lot of things into perspective, he didn’t take well to what I said as he may feel that I have humiliated or tried to belittle him, that wasn’t at all what I was doing, I did apologise for the things I said and stick behind the things that I meant, I tried to explain my reasoning behind the breakup, but to be honest, I think I was just trying to appease him and soften the blow. initially things were somewhat civil, I had confided that while things hadn’t gone great, and I understood that things were still rather raw for him, that I hoped we could make an effort to be friends, as that was what I needed and wanted while I tried to find a life outside of him, we had been close friends before our relationship. I suppose I expected too much and now see that I was naive to think that that was possible, it is hard to become friends with someone whom you’ve been intimate with and shared a part of your life with. But at the time he reassured me that he would still remain in my life, and that I could go to him about my concerns and problems. I believed him. All and any conversations/contact we had was initiated by me ( I made the effort not to message/ harass him constantly as I did not want to crowed him ) I was lucky to get a response back. he again reassured me that we were going to be friends and that he would make an effort to speak to me. After some time passed ( more like a few weeks ) I was filled with so much anger at his apparent lack of empathy and interest. I suppose I had no right to be angry as he didn’t owe me anything, but a part of me wanted to see that he cared and could show some understanding that I was going through a difficult time. I did want you are told NOT to do and sent him large paragraphs explaining why I was hurt ( I was hurt for a number of reasons, he didn’t follow through or even make an attempt to follow through on his attempt to a least try and start a new, amicable relationship, I was angered that he led me on during the few occasions that we saw each other post break-up, he was intimate and told me he still possessed feelings for me and could see us trying again later down the line) and I was hurt that he seemingly didn’t care despite his words and I feel that I was an inconvenience for wanting to talk to him. he later told me that speaking to me was unpleasant and that he no longer wanted to talk to me, that we had no chance of having a relationship in future, I cannot disagree with him, I cannot change his mind. however I do feel that my feelings were valid. if I were a stronger person, I would have let him go then and moved on, but I wanted to hold onto something. at present we do not talk, my perspective has changed and so have my feelings, I am no longer angry at myself and no longer angry at him, I do hope we can reconcile, I just don’t know how to at this point as I feel I’ve pushed him too far. I can live my life without him in it, it would just be nice to have him in it as he was my best friend before he became my partner.

    1. Sarah

      I think the last sentence of your comment is telling: “he was my best friend before he became my partner”.

      Unfortunately when friends become lovers it changes all the dynamics of their relationship in what is usually a one-way street. Once you’ve stirred up the emotional melting pot like that, it takes time for it to cool down again. Sometimes it never cools sufficiently for the old friendship to re-emerge; maybe there is too much hurt and bitterness, or maybe one of the partners always secretly hoped for more, and so the friendship was never based on equality and truth.

      In this case you say your boyfriend was only 20; it’s a fact of life that most young men of 20 are too immature to deal easily or well with emotional entanglements.

      What you need to do is understand what you really want from him. Why did you become boyfriend and girlfriend? Was that what you really wanted all the time, rather than friendship? If so, then you need to put some distance between you. You can’t have a successful friendship with someone you still want as a boyfriend. You also need to give HIM some space, as you seem to have been expecting something from him that he is unable to give.

      It’s ALWAYS a bad idea to write long letters to someone with whom you have broken up explaining your feelings. Explain them to a friend, and leave him in ignorance. If there’s something he absolutely has to know, he can always ask.

  14. Stella

    I recently broke up with my fiancée of five years. He was emotionally detached and emotionally unavailable for the majority of it, and when I was at the end of my rope, he wouldn’t help me…
    he told me when I went to get the rest of my stuff that he was going to counseling but didn’t think we should ever try again. And I just… I thought it was unfair as for, four years I fought for his attention, affection and to be listened to… and now that he is going to try and work on that for himself and others… I can’t be there for it.

    I want him back. Because everything else was great. Just… he wasn’t on earth when I was…

    1. Sarah

      You say that your boyfriend was emotionally unavailable for most of your relationship, but then you say ‘everything else was just great’. What was this ‘else’ that was so great? The idea that a man can be emotionally unavailable and yet still be a contributing partner in a great relationships seems fundamentally incompatible.

      It sounds as if you were doing all the work; and that now you’ve left he is unwillingly prepared to put in the minimum of effort necessary to prevent you leaving. At the same time he thinks it’s all a waste of time anyway.

      It’s a mistake to put more into a relationship than a man does. If he’s not trying hard enough, a woman’s response in too often to try harder to make him try harder; which is always futile. In future, don’t give significantly more than you are getting. If a man isn’t making much effort, then don’t try to make up for his omission. Pull back, and wait until he notices and starts trying again.

  15. Stella Gilbert

    I broke up with my fiancée of five years about two weeks ago. We had to see each other the other day so I could get off his phone plan. He told me he doesn’t think we can get back together..
    he was emotionally distant and detached for the majority of the relationship. We went to therapy, I did research and I tried as hard as I could to get him to work on his issues. It was only when I decided to leave, he decided to make an effort.
    Can I get him back? My mother tells me that I’ve betrayed his trust and I’ve hurt him and I need to let him go… but I’d do anything to change it.

    1. Sarah

      I’m not sure your mother is in a position to hand down judgement here. Doe she know that your boyfriend spent his time being distant and detached?

  16. Rhonnie


    My ex and I recently ended things a few days ago. I was the one who dumped him. The reason why I dumped him is because when we have arguments or when there is any sort of conflict, it seems as though he avoids its. Some things never get fully resolved. We had plans for me to move in together in a couple of weeks, but I got cold feet; mainly because I wanted for us to work on things before moving in so we don’t have the same arguments down the line when we are cohabitating. There are some issues that have been hurtful to me, such as him not fully being there for me when I needed him. We met yesterday to and had a civilized conversation about what went on and whether to continue being together (and to discuss that I’m expecting). He says he needed a few days to think about where we stand. I mentioned to him that if he no longer wanted to continue the relationship, to let me know so we both can go ahead and move forward. He insisted that he needs a few days to think. I’ve owned up to my part in reacting rashly (I’ve now done this 2 times), but I’m unsure if he understands that he had a part in it, too. I mentioned that I’m willing to work through my own issues and would like for the both of us to truly work on resolving the issues we’ve been having.

    What are the odds that we will continue with the relationship? I’m unsure if him taking time to think is favorable for wanting to get back together. I have not contacted him since him asking for time/space to think.

    1. Rhonnie

      I also was meaning to mention that he gave me an incurable STI, which could potentially cause reproductive problems for me down the line. I have been struggling with dealing with the diagnosis (because who wants something that’s incurable), and it seems like no big deal to him! That has been frustrating me, too.

      1. Sarah

        This is a very big deal. Did your boyfriend take the necessary precautions to at least minimize your chances of being infected? Did he even warn you of his condition, and the implications for you, before you had sex with him?

        If the answer is no, then you already have a very negative insight into his character. And now you say he doesn’t think it’s a big deal! Well, it is. And you should be considering your future with him very carefully.

        1. Rhonnie

          When I presented the news to him, he said he didn’t know he had it.
          Thank you for your reply!

          I’m quite sure he gave it to me because I have been doing women’s wellness exams every year for the last 4 years and my tests always came back negative. I also had not slept or had any kind of sexual intercourse for 2-3 years prior to meeting him.

          We did use condoms, however, one broke. I’m assuming that is when I contracted it. I also suspected that he may have been sleeping with his ex while we were seeing each other, but not “officially together.”

    2. Sarah

      Whatever I might have made of the situation from this comment is changed by your subsequent comment.

  17. Anne

    I thought I’d give you an update, it’s always nice to know what happens after you give advice to someone.
    Based on your advice, I reviewed our relationship and realised that in our time together, he didn’t once give me a reason not to trust him. So I sent a brief and heartfelt message, apologising for giving in to fear, telling him I missed him and wishing him a good time on his holiday. He replied immediately, saying he was happy that I’d reconsidered my decision and sending kisses and hugs.
    Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it gave me the push I needed to reach out to him.

    1. Sarah

      Thanks for your reply. I’m glad things are looking better for you, and that I was able to help. Things are sometimes a bit clearer to someone who is not emotionally involved.

  18. Anne

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months. We had a great relationship, great chemistry. I was badly hurt 2 years ago and when I realised that I was falling hard for this man, however considerate and loving he is, I panicked. At the end of a nearly perfect day, I explained to him that I was terrified, that every time I saw him made me want to spend more time with him. That I didn’t want to split up but felt that I had to run away to protect myself because I felt so vulnerable. He said he didn’t want us to break up either, that he would like to ask me to give him more time to reassure me but felt it would be unfair on me. Throughout we were kissing and hugging hard. Just before leaving, I said that I couldn’t believe it was the last time we were seeing each other. He said Maybe not. And now, I feel stupid. I let fear run my life and ruin a very good thing. I want to go back to him but don’t know how to approach it. Can you help me please?

    1. Sarah

      No-one wants to find themselves having to carry the can for someone else’s sins.

      You have known this man for 5 months. In that time, you must have gained some sense of whether or not you can trust him. Let that be your guide.

  19. Rosanne

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because he said he cannot promise a future with me. We broke up once before because of the same reason, but he was the one to break up with me then. I originally didn’t want to break up, but the fact that he said he didn’t promise a future with me scared me, so I ended it through text. I KNOW it was a terrible way of ending things off and both of us were blindsided by this. I regret doing this so much because we’re both in our early 20’s and still in college. Obviously’ he can’t promise such a thing because he hasn’t got his future under control yet. I called him the other day asking to meet up with him in a few weeks so I can talk things out. I also apologized for the way I broke up and told him it was not my intention to hurt you, let alone break up with you. So, I asked him to meet up, and after a while, he sighed and said okay. I haven’t texted him yet because we both have our final exams to get through. Should I wait until the final exams are over and give him a text regarding what day we should meet up? Or should I just wait for him to contact me first regarding the day we need to meet up?
    I realized I may have made a mistake and I miss him a lot. I also know I need to give him his space. Will he return back to me? And is there anything you suggest I do?

    1. Sarah

      You say you are in your early twenties, yet you have been together for 5 years. That suggests that neither of you have much, if any, romantic experience outside this relationship.

      Some people do meet the love of their life in their teens, and stay happily together forever. It happens – but rarely. And from what you write, it sounds as if it’s unlikely to happen for you.

      You have already broken up once because your ex doesn’t want to tie his future to yours. At your age this is perfectly natural. Most probably he wants to enlarge his experience of the world, meet more people, and discover the things he really wants from life. Were he to commit to you now, feeling like that, he would be forever looking at the world outside and wondering what he had missed. That is not a recipe for a happy, fulfilling relationship.

      By all means see him again, but accept that your relationship is over, for the time being at least. And be careful about being ‘friends’. Right now, friendship isn’t what you want from him, so it will only cause you more pain and frustration. Stay casually in touch, if you wish, but don’t expect or hope for anything more.

      He wants to see more of the world, and it’s time you did the same. Being in college, you couldn’t possibly be better placed to meet new people. Use those opportunities and build a new life for yourself. Who knows, in time your ex may want to come back. But right now, you need to set him – and yourself – free.

  20. Miss smith

    Hi there,
    So me and my ex broke up at Christmas, it was heading that way for a while but we were drowned in probalems and issues that neither one of us had the energy to fix. We were together 7 years and have a son together, I moved out as I needed to clear my thoughts head and issues. Upon reflection and a lot of soul searching on one hand I feel I’ve lost a good man underneath all his ignorance and cold heart. I still love him, he says he loves me too but I don’t no if I believe him, he’s told me he’s “kind of” speaking to someone else although nothing serious ( he says) again I don’t no if I believe him, he’s in limbo and said maybe we both need space. Wrong or right I decided to right him a letter. I focused on the positives and what we had together, revealed me part and my accountability towards the break down of the relationship and told him all the great qualities I saw in him. I sent it yesterday so what do I do now? I want him to come back to me, although I hope he can see his part to the breakdown aswell? I can’t tell him that, that needs to come from him. I don’t no if he will ever see it who knows? I just don’t no what steps I need to take now

    1. Sarah

      I’m not sure writing that kind of letter to a man you describe as ignorant and cold-hearted was a good idea, but it’s done now. You have pointed out what he is losing, and you can only leave him to reflect on it. Meanwhile the best thing you can do now is work on rebuilding your life. Your ex is much more likely to want to come back if you seem to be doing fine without him, such is the perversity of human nature. Also it sounds as if you were in a pretty deep rut together, which is why neither of you could summon up the will to solve your problems.

      So get moving on making your life a bit more interesting and exciting. Not only will this make you more attractive to your ex, it will be good for your son, who seems to have got a bit lost in all of this. Remember, his welfare should be paramount with BOTH his parents.

  21. Kathe Sandler


    This is a great post. May I trouble you for some advice? I’ve been in a serious relationship for two and half years out of which the last 6 months and the next year and a half will be long distance (I’m talking 5 continents between us). We were a mostly happy couple but had a recurring problem: I have a tendency to bottle things up and get mood swings, something that he put up with patiently for about 2 years, but six months ago (about the time I moved away) he started to get less and less patient. He was devastated when I left, since we had planned on getting married, and leaving meant that we had to postpone our plans for a couple of years. Initially we did everything to make the distance not seem like an obstacle, including talking to each other non stop, video chatting, phone sex, the works. But moving away was hard for me and I got super depressed, and looked to him for emotional support, which I now felt he wasn’t giving me. He liked spending time with friends, but he’d always make time to talk to me. As my mood swings got worse and increased in frequency, he started talking to me lesser and lesser, up to the point that we spent a whole month not talking to each other because I was mad at him neglecting me and he was fed up of putting up with my bad mood. A week ago, we had a full blown fight, after which I told him calmly that we couldn’t be happy together and should end things. He agreed. We mutually broke up for about ten minutes after which I called him and apologized and told him I wanted to give the relationship another try and he agreed immediately. I’ve been working on getting better and to deal with my depression, but what bothers me is his stance of spending an inordinate amount of time with his friends (some of whom I really dislike because they’re genuinely a bad influence on him). The extent is that he’ll go on without speaking to me for an entire day and spend that time partying with his friends, and the expectation is that I won’t complain about it. What do I do? I’m trying my best to keep myself involved and socialize etc but a part of me knows that I’m only pretending to be okay with the situation and in reality I’m really upset with him. Is breaking up again inevitable? How do I behave in such a situation? Thanks for your time and consideration!

    1. Sarah

      Being in a LDR is never easy, but you had 2 years before that in which to build a solid relationship, so you should have been able to manage it. However, moving away seems to have undermined your confidence in its stability and durability, so you need to understand why. Do you have self-esteem issues which make it hard for you to believe things will turn out well for you, or do you have genuine reasons for feeling insecure? It sounds more like the latter.

      You talk of mood swings and bottling things up, which has gradually become harder for your ex to cope with. Were these to do with your faith in him, and in your relationship? When men are constantly asked for reassurance of their devotion, in drains them and eventually makes them question the value of a relationship. You also say you have been suffering from depression. Have you made any effort to get help for this (I don’t mean expecting your boyfriend to sort it out for you)?

      His friends are a side issue. As he must see it, there is no reason why he shouldn’t spend time with them as he cannot spend it with you. You evidently dislike them; I’m afraid that is a common complaint in relationships. But now you seem to fear their influence on him; why? Can you not trust him to remain committed to you? Have you previously alienated them, so that you fear they will use this chance to persuade him to give you up?

      You cannot dictate to a man about his friends. Either you must put up with them with as good a grace as you can muster, or if you cannot accept their place in his life, you must end your relationship. But if you are contemplating giving him a ultimatum (“it’s them or me”), don’t. Whatever the result, it will be bad for any future you may have together. You need to get a grip on your own issues if you want to get through this very difficult time with your relationship intact.

  22. Vicky


    We were together for 8 years since first year in college. The relationship were almost always happy for both of us. Last year, we went on a trip with him and his parents and things didn’t go so well. His mom and I didn’t get along well and things led to a fight. He promised to be on my side and deal with his parents. I feel insecure and talked about it often with him. Also, for my career, I have to relocate for the next three years and he cannot follow me. We again discussed and got stressed out, mostly on my part. I thought there was no future for us and decided to break up with him. We still lived together for the next 3 months but in different rooms.
    At first, he was calm and didn’t want to consider me as his ex yet. He still treated me as if I was his girlfriend for a month after that then he became angry at me for the next month. I started hanging out with friends and talking to an old male friend. This new guy is in home country and we mostly texted or voice called. My ex boyfriend saw it and got very upset but just gave me a harsh look. More than 2 months after breaking up with my ex, I flew back to my home country to see my parents as usual. The night before I left, my ex said sorry to me and said he shouldn’t get mad at me no matter what and he still loved me. He just went back to his room after that and I left for the airport. During the trip the new guy met me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed and soon my ex bf knew. He was really upset since he still sent me text messages until that point even though I didn’t response.
    After two weeks, I came back and refused to discuss any detail regarding my new relationship. My ex was calm and agreed to it. I found a new place and move out after two weeks. The night before I left, he asked me to give him a hug and asked if I still love him. I cried and didn’t answer. I think at that point, I knew I still loved him. After I moved out one week or so, he texted to wish me happy new year and tell me random things. He came to see me a few times to give me my stuff. He still texts and sends me pictures and videos of our pets, movies, about 5-6 messages per day.But last week, when we ate dinner together, he told me he has a new girlfriend now and said something about her who is very different from me in general. I didn’t want to engage in the topic so just nodded and switched to other topics. He kept coming back to the topic but not forced. So I figured he got a new gf after one month I moved out but they texted before I moved out, maybe after he figured out I have a new bf.
    Now I realize that my new relationship was just a rebound and wondering if I decide to get back with my ex, will it be possible? He sent me another video of our pet a few days ago but I didn’t reply, I didn’t contact him since the dinner.

    1. Sarah

      I don’t know. And what’s more important, I don’t think YOU know, either. If you’re sure the rebound relationship isn’t going to work, then end it. And then take the time you need to understand what you really want.

      Bear in mind, though, that you have both moved on. Maybe this was just a form of gesture politics between you; maybe it’s a sign that you are wrong for each other. You need to sort out which. But bearing in mind that you are about to spend 3 years apart, things were probably going to end anyway.

  23. Joanne


    A week and a half ago I broke up with a man I had been seeing for a few months. We met on a dating site.
    We are an older mature couple. Things were great from the moment we met but there were a few times my insecurities got the best of me. We broke up because I noticed he was on the dating app still. When I questioned him about being exclusive he freaked out insisting that he had not spoken or sated anyone since meeting me. I overreacted too quickly and didn’t think things through before respectfully ended it because I felt hurt and not good enough because I thought he was still searching. I believe the fact that he was not active on the site.
    I’ve made a costly mistake. He is honestly the man I have waited for my entire life. I felt as though our relationship was on the right path but my stupid insecurity may have ruined everything.
    We haven’t spoken in a week and a half but his last few messages while we were communicating he said multiple times we would talk soon but we haven’t.
    Please help.

    1. Sarah

      Maybe he just forgot to delete his profile. Maybe didn’t think it mattered. Maybe be likes surfing the website,, even though he’s with you. Or maybe he thinks he can do better, and so he is still looking.

      The thing is that you should have kept calm and reasonable, and either asked him why he hadn’t taken it down, or asked him if he would do so. You can’t control other people, and depending on his response, you would have learned something informative about how he really feels.

      1. Joanne

        Thank you for your advice. I wish I would have taken a few moments to think through my thoughts and question the validity of my feelings. Reading your site has been very informative and has helped me a lot already. I’m hoping that time is what he needs and time is what I will give him.

  24. Thesinglestruggle

    Hi I would like your input on this.
    I was talking to his guy from a dating app. We talked for about a month on the app before I gave him my number finally. Then he had to got out of the country for some family issues but he still txted me from there. When he got back we met the day after for the first time but we had multiple FaceTime sessions and he would call me all the time. After we met we would still txt and he would call and FaceTime everyday. Slowly the good morning txts stopped. Twice hesaid he would call but didn’t which is not a big deal.
    But this one time he said he would drop something small that he got for me when he was out of the country and a packet of chips he got from Work that I really like. I waited the whole day and then at night around 8 he txted saying he can’t make it today and that he was busy with friends. I let go cuz we were just talking.
    This one time when we were FaceTiming I introduced him to my cousin cuz I was with her and the other time he introduced me to his friend. It was going smooth .
    Then one day when we were tlaking he asked me what he had to do to be my bf and that he really really liked me and that it must mean a lot to him to say that to me since it be hard for him to express his feelings. And I told him I like him too but thought we were only in the talking stage. Then he asked me what I wanted out of this and I said I’m going with the flow and if it works out then it does. I think he came out of no where with that and that I was scared a little.
    On New Year’s Day we were supposed to meet but we didn’t because he was hungover and sleeping the entire day. He didn’t txt me and when I txted him he siad he’ll call me later but didn’t an dthen txted apologizing about it and wanting to reschedule. I was really pissed at it so I ended things saying that I Don’t think it’s gonna work out and that we should stop instead of wasting time. He responded by syaing that my decision was abrupt but he respects it. I didn’t respond to it because he didn’t even try to work things out.
    I thought about it and It’s been a month and a half since we were tlaking and we only met twice . I don’t understand how he can say that he really likes me. Also he doesn’t try to meet me in person. I understand it’s the holiday season but still.
    Now it’s been about two weeks and I really miss him. Idk what to do

    1. Sarah

      You made an online friend and met him twice. What there was between you existed mostly in your (and his) imagination. Relationships exist between real people who spend time with each other. The internet is not a substitute for real life. It can be a useful tool for meeting men, but you should aim to meet them in person within a couple of weeks, and to do so in a spirit of curiosity rather than expectation. Make sure you meet them in a public place, and during the daytime. If things go well on that first meeting, then take your time getting to know him. He is not Prince Charming, but he may (or may not) be a good man. And please don’t deceive yourself again into believing that you have a meaningful relationship with someone you barely know, and who is not making much effort to get to know you better.

  25. Betty

    Hey I just ended things with my guy over the fact that some girl that I do not know told my close friend that she was talking to my guy after meeting him at a Halloween Party last month. She said he was telling her he missed her and he wanted to see her. I lost my shit I returned his stuff got my stuff and cried and told him why he would do this to me of all people. He was saying he did not know what I was talking about. Did not text me or even attempt to check up on me and I was done. My friend texted him asking him if he knew the girl which he said no and he said he wasnt getting back with me because that is too much drama. My friend said it was not my fault but he still said nope and that he did not love me. We asked the girl for screenshots and she still has not sent them. His friend was just as confused as me to the way he was acting and said he spoke highly of me to him. I want to work on things even tho I ended things but he seems to not care.I dont even know how to make him want me back.

    1. Sarah

      You seem to have overacted to a degree which your boyfriend presumably saw as “too much drama”. Is he not allowed to talk to any members of the opposite sex at all? That will make life rather difficult for him. Do you know who this other woman is? Or what her connection with your boyfriend might be? It could be completely innocent.

      It sounds as if you threw a tantrum with the intention of getting your boyfriend to grovel in apology. Understandably he refused. I imagine you are very young, and therefore you should regard this as a learning experience. In future, don’t accuse people without good grounds for believing they have transgressed; and be prepared to listen reasonably to what they have to say in mitigation. They may deserve your condemnation. They may not. But you cannot know until you have at least tried established the facts. If the facts are being deliberately obscured, you are entitled to ask why. But try to withhold judgement until you done you best find out the truth.

      1. Betty

        thank you. yeah I have had issues in the past where I have trusted people and they seem to throw it in my face after waiting for evidence. Do you think there is any point in trying to reconcile or even trying to get him back?

  26. Laropmet

    I was dating my boyfriend for 3 months but he seemed to be more interested in his ex than me. He claims they were just friends and there was nothing between them. In a moment of insecurity i decided I couldn’t deal with the situation anymore. I ended things with him and now really regret being so impulsive. I want him back but don’t know how to go about it. He answers my texts but I know he must have trust issues with me now. How can i fix things and get him back?

    1. Sarah

      Ask him to be honest about what – and who – he really wants. That’s the best way to find out whether your relationship really has a chance. But you need to be strong enough to take the answer, as it might not be what you want to hear.

      1. Laropmet

        thank you.

  27. sarah

    hi, i was in a relationship of one year with my ex, we were talking about getting married and two months ago, i got cold feet. we live at opposite ends of the world and kept a long distance relationship, regularly visiting each other for longer periods of time, but he wanted to come move in with me and live with me long term. i got scared of moving in together and broke up with him in september. he was devastated and kept trying to change my mind for a month, telling me he loves and has never been in love like this before. i told him a loved him too and that i wanted to make this work, but we were not officially “back on”. then, three weeks ago, his communication with me changed drastically. i found out he met someone new and have been living with her right away. they are currently travelling together. i wonder if i lost him for good. he keeps texting me saying he is confused because he still loves me and also keeps saying he is thinking of me often. i wonder if this is just a rebound. i told him i want him back but he keeps saying he is confused. i fear that the more time passes, the lesser the chances of getting him back. what do you think?

    1. Sarah

      Long distance relationships are always difficult. To make them work, you really need to have a plan to be together properly at some point. Did you?

      And it’s not realistic to talk of marriage until you have spent some together in a normal, close relationship. You need to find out how compatible you really are before you think about marriage. If you want to save this relationship, and your boyfriend also wants to try to save it, you need to come up with a viable plan for being together.

      However, you say the thought of moving in with him scared you. That might be because he isn’t really the right man for you, or it might be because you are not the kind of person who can go straight from living in different countries to living in the same house without anything in between. This is quite understandable, and many people would feel the same. It would probably be better if you spent a few months living in the same town, but not together. It would be a more natural progression for your relationship, and much less stressful for you. Would this be possible?

      One word of warning: when a man pushes hard to move a relationship forward more quickly than you are comfortable with, and refuses to listen to your concerns that things are going too fast; it is a red flag. Just something to bear in mind.

  28. peyton

    I broke up with my bf of 3 years a month ago because I had some insecurity issues and I thought it would help me to be alone. One week after the break up I had thought some things through and I thought we could work it out so I texted him that I have regrets for what I said and If he was willing to talk about us. He replied he doesnt want to make this converstation , at least not right away, because he’s hurt and he’s having a really hard time. I asked If he thinks we could be together again and he said he thinks we could be but not right away, he needs time to think and that he loves me and wants me but I had a bad toll on his pshycology and things weren’t good among us lately (I now realise I blamed him for most of my problems and insecurities) and that we have been separate for only a little time and he doesn’t risk getting back together with me and going through the same stuff again as he thinks I haven’t quite thought about it either. He said he wants to keep contact. After this converstation, I have texted him a couple of times just to see how he is, and one time he has texted me to say hi and tell me he watches some series we used to watch together but he hasnt texted me for a week now and I have decided to do no contact because every time we talk its harder for me. When he sees me at college he only says hi and he seems quite awkward. I dont know what to do and how much time to leave him without trying to have a converstation about us. I think that maybe he wants to move on as time passes and he gets used without me. What do you think?

    1. Sarah

      He’s said he’s having a hard time, and that he’s not ready to talk about things yet, let alone get back together. If he’s awkward when you meet, it might be because he wants to move on, but it’s more likely to be because he’s afraid you’ll want to talk about the past, and your relationship.

      Try to give him the space he clearly wants. You talk about doing no contact, but I’m not sure you really understand that it should be a positive experience rather than a test of endurance. Have you read this article yet? It will help you see the real point of no contact, and how you can use the time to get ahead and make positive changes.

  29. DD

    I broke up with my guy of 8months because he became my whole world and i need time to fix myself. Im getting better now and i believe i can do better this time…but.. i cut off all of our communication and told him to leave me alone. how do i get him back?

    1. Sarah

      Texting is a good way of getting back in touch with an ex. Have a look at this article to find out a bit more about it.

  30. Janice shire

    I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago because things just weren’t going well anymore. We have been with other people since. We have class at the local college and rarely talk. He says he wants nothing to do with me but I feel like deep down he still cares. I’m dying to get him back. I’m missing our adventures and times we shared and the happiness that I feel we threw away over something so stupid. Help me get him back

    1. Sarah

      It is possible he still cares, and that he’s bitter about the breakup. It’s also possible that what he says is what he means. Only time will tell. Don’t put pressure on him, but try to keep the lines of communication open. As the one who was rejected, he has to decide to forgive you for it before there’s any chance of a reconciliation. You can’t force it, and you must accept that it may never happen.

      So smile and say hello, but don’t try to force a conversation. Seeing you regularly may eventually lead to a thaw in his feelings.

  31. Sara

    I broke up with my boyfriend three days ago. For the past month we’ve been arguing a lot and it’s because of criticism. We both do it, but honestly he does it more to be for the fact it’s everything I do, small things. Things have had a lot of tension. Then we decided to go on a break. I told him we can’t see or talk to each other. Then the next day he contacts me to see what I’m thinking. Eventually he tells me that he loves everything about me, but my flaw (being socially awkward) is so hard for him to deal with. And he told me he can’t accept it. He didn’t want to break up but he didn’t know. I was so upset and angry. I decided to break up with him. I went to his house and threw all the stuff I gave him and was a crying mess. He just watched and stared and was tearing up. I thought he would have tried to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I’m always the one to do that. This happened Sunday night. 20 min later after everything I told him I was sorry and I’m always here for him. He messages me 30 min later accusing me of punching his car (which I did not) I feel this is the biggest regret of my life. There has been times that he’s broken up with me and I was always by him. the next morning I wanted to see him to tell him I want this relationship. His brother stopped me and told me he wasn’t home. So I wrote a note to him telling him and reassuring that I loved him. His brother gave it to him and he gave me no response. I saw on his Instagram that he changed his profile picture, and started following other girls. I just feel he’s so hurt by me and alone. I don’t know what to do. I feel if I don’t contact him I’ll lose him forever because it shows I do not care.

    1. Sarah

      It sounds as if the last thing he’s likely to think is that you don’t care. You make it clear that you’ve always been the one to reach out after a fight; well, I’m afraid that it’s time for you to stop.

      The fact that he finds what you describe as your “social awkwardness” hard to deal with suggests that his commitment to you was never wholehearted. That will be hard for you to hear, but the best thing you can do now is to pull back and stop chasing him. Practice a bit of no contact, and spend some time cherishing yourself. I promise you that you are worth it, and that it will be time well spent. Try to socialize more with your friends, and become more relaxed in company. This is the best way to improve your social confidence, the lack of which is causing these problems in your relationships.

  32. Barb

    I broke up with my bf a month ago, we were in a long distance relationship for 9 months, he is 4 years older than me and we had a great relationship, we met each others families and took a lot of trips together but the last couple of months i was starting fights because i wanted reassurance of his love and actually liked when he begged, I had a bad communication problem and he always tried to fix the problems. We were fine but then all of a sudden i would explote and fight him over a sillly thing just because.i broke up in a fight and the next day we talked and he said he was confused and didnt wanted to be in a relationship like that so maybe its not the moment for now. But i love him and miss him and i regret what i did. Foe the next couple weeks i tried talking to him and i think i worsten things because right now i think he is really mad and doesnt want to talk to me. I havent spoken to him in a week and i dont knoe what to do, im afraid ill never talk to him or he will forget me. I want to get back because i know the problem and i can fix it and we had a great connection .

    1. Sarah

      It’s time for No Contact to give you both a breathing space. Use it to reassure yourself that you CAN live without him. This will help you not to be so needy when you try to get him back; which seems to be the root problem for your fights. If you’re tempted to contact him too early, try reading this article.

  33. Milena

    Broke with my fiance. We were 2 and a half years together in a long distance relationship. This year in February I moved to his country, devastated for not going to see so much from my family and friends. We love each other so much. We bought together everything for the new place. Met his family who came to visit (from the other continent). I was always a bit jealous and possesive but now it was just too much. I would bother him with everything, I was a real pain in the a**. And he broke up 2 months later, I came back home. One month later he asked me to come back and try again. I did and we broke up again. I was negative, I don’t like myself, he was working, I was at home cause I didn’t have the permission to work until we’re married and we already set the date in the city hall. So I came back home we agaaain were back together but now he was too depresive cause he doesn’t like his work, works all the time. I too do work and study here back home. So I broke up cause we didn’t communicate enough and he just got so angry cause I did it over the phone ( I really dont have money for the plane ticket) and immediately I asked him to talk but he refuses to talk to me. Dont even enters my texts. He just wrote about a huge problem he had and a jealousy text in 3 am (cause he thinks I broke up cause I’m home alone for 10 days and my parents are on vacation). He loves me so much and I love him to. 2 times I came back after break up, I broke up once and now he refuses to talk. Even though, when he dumped me, he always said we shouls stay in contact cause I’m part of his life. How can I get back with him?

    1. Sarah

      It sounds as if you both have trouble communicating with each other. I suspect you are still quite young, and communication is a skill that should improve with time. But if you want your relationship to survive, then you need to work on it now. The most important things are to keep calm, and to listen. Even if you don’t like what you’re hearing, you must listen carefully (without interrupting) and THINK about what is being said. Your responses will then be considered rather than angry. This is a hard thing to do when emotions are running high, but it’s a vital skill if your relationships are ever to be anything more than a series of misunderstandings and fights.

  34. Elle

    Help please. Broke up with my BF of a year. Well, went to collect all my stuff but didn’t actually said it was over. Texted him later on to tell him anything I’d left can be thrown away. I’ve never been in love before till I met him. He replies saying he loves me to, always have and always will which I shor back and asked him to prove it. He accept d the challenge but never heard from him for upto a month now. Should I contact him? Wi broke up with him because I was becoming a very jealous gf and he didn’t help the situation as well by talking & flirting to other women as well so I had to step away before I could do more damage to myself and emotions.

    1. Sarah

      Was he really flirting with these other women? And in a way that suggested he wasn’t committed to YOUR relationship? Or was he just indulging in an essentially innocent but playful man-woman social interaction? When you’ve come up with the truthful answer to this question, you’ll know whether you should contact him again; and what to say if you do.

  35. lulu

    please help me .. i’m sad and hurt …
    just listen to my story and give me an opinion …
    i’m from different culture but i live in US..
    i knew him for 6 month, then we decided to get engaged … we are living in two different states.. he was coming to visit me every two weeks … so we set our engagement day to be on 16th April 2017.. since we live in two different stated and his family in another third state.. the plan was to host the party at their state.. during all that time..we were fine, loved and happy, but we had some small problems especially when the time of our engagement was close.. two weeks before our engagement we had a fight , then he asked for two days to decide what we went, then he called and said that’s it lets stop this , next day we back together and he make it up.
    i flew to his family and we were preparing for the party.
    our plan was he will arrive two days before the party so we can go to the city hall to finish the marriage procedure and after that we gona held the party when our religious priest will come to give his blessings (this still engagement in our culture, then we have to do the wedding later.. still we can do only engagement with rings without city hall or priest and postponed these thing till wedding but many families prefer to do that in the engagement)..

    what happened is this.. we went to city hall, we took the papers, we went to see some wedding venue while we still in the city ( we had plans ) , next day.. i felt just like he was making an excuse to not finish the marriage at the city hall… he wasn’t clear with me .. so we just like skip this for another time … next day we started the party .. then there was delay with the presence of the priest then his family said the priest will not come because some of his family has passed away!.. he talked with me and tried to calm me down .. so we continue the party as just a normal engagement so we just put the rings.. i spent the next day with his family .. but nobody mentioned another plans for the priest or anything.. i spoke with him and told him that i feel uncomfortable and i feel like you not gonna hold to me … he was listening just listening … next day he dropped me to airport and he drove back to his state .. we i get to my home.. i called the priest .. he said that he didn’t come because we are the one who calls him and asked him not to come… i called my fiance and told him this … he was shocked .. he said since when i know! and how i get the phone of the priest ? he said that i don’t trust him? and he didn’t call him and how me and him reached to his point !! this was all what he said .. i was crying crying.. i told him how he could look at my eyes and lie.. i told him that we are done and will send the rings to you by post and i close the phone… next day he texted saying don’t send the rings by mail, he will send someone to take it from me.. i didn’t reply .. five days another text about the rings and the gift .. i didn’t reply too … i met his friend by chance and i told him what happened .. his friend spoke with him .. he told his friend that he don’t want anybody to interfere and this is between me and him… i texted him three days later and i told him to come and take the rings himself , he replayed that i can give the rings to his friend and he cant nor want to come. 4 days later he texted again about the rings and the gifts .. i shipped the gifts to his house and my mother called him to see what really happened .. he told her nothing just he wants the rings and the gifts and how i was unthankful to his family and i was acting the party that day and that i was breaking up already.. my mother mentioned the priest thing, he insist he didn’t call him, she told him i sent him the gifts.. then he texted me asking about the trucking number .. i give him the trucking number and few lines of pain… he didn’t reply.. next day i shipped the rings and sent him the trucking number and lots of words ..asking what rely happened and why he did that and lots lots.. no reply .. two days he sent me back my gifts that give him during our relationship .. i called him twice next day he didn’t reply .. then i called his brother.. his brother didn’t want to interfere and he said he don’t really know what happened and his brother is sad and suffering too and he wasn’t talking with anyone and told that he told them things didn’t work between us and he told that he knew that i broke up with his brother ..

    i stopped everything now . but i still love him… when i told him I’m done , wasn’t .. i just was sad and hurt and want him to prove his love and honesty with me …
    what to o now? i still want him back and love him

    1. Sarah

      I think you both need to learn how to communicate better, and to show some give and take. And your relatives are right, it’s not for them to sort things out for you. The only way you can resolve this is by talking calmly together, without getting angry or rushing to judgement. If you really are considering marriage, the least you can do is try to behave like adults.

  36. Lulu

    I need a help here, i really sad…
    please just i want you to understand the situation..
    i’m from different culutre but we do live in US
    I knew him for six month and we decide to get engaged. We were preparying for our engagment party last month but we live in two diffrents states , he was visiting me every two weeks. So the engagement party supposed to be in another third state where his parents live. So i planned to hit their state 10 days before our party, two days before the day i suppose to fly .. we had a fight about the arrangement and he broke up with me, the day after i texted him and he replied and he make it up and apologized to me and i flew to them.. he came a week later ( the plan was we have to go to the city hall to make our marriage official, and then there is the engagement party when our religious priest will come to give his blessings – this still an engagement – after this we gonna back to our states and arrange for the wedding party/ this is our culture tradition , still its acceptable to start a party with the rings only ) .
    What happened after that, is we went to the city hall , we took the papers and next day he made some excuses and we didnt went back to the city hall.. i was realy disappointed but we continued .. we started the party and then his father said that the priest wont come cause one of his relative had passed away….. he talked with me and calm me.. we continued the party and wore the rings… we spent the next day with his family and the day after he droped me to the airport and he continue his way driving to his state.. i returned my home… and i called the priest , he said that we are the one who called to cancel the ceremony ..i was shocked … i called him and ended everything …. next day he text me asking to send him the gifts and the rings….

    What has realy happened !!! I dont know ??? Who broke up with whom .? I dont know !!!!!!

    1. Sarah

      Please see my reply to your later message.

  37. Sydney

    A few months ago me and my bf of 11 months broke up because he kept calling me names and I just couldn’t stand it any more and I dumped him. Since then their was a school dance that he asked on of my friends to and now i think their really close and I’ve been wanting him back since we broke up.

    1. Sarah

      You were right to break up when he was behaving so disrespectfully towards you. Forget him, avoid him as far as possible, accept that you will feel regret for a time and rebuild your life. And never allow a man to treat you so disrespectfully again.

  38. desiree

    Hello and thanks for the previous comments. My heart goes out to you all.
    I broke up with my bf of 5 years. I, myself had trust issues and he triggered them from time to time. I told him how uncomfortable certain things were for me but that I wanted to heal from the inside out and that I am not blaming him for wrong behavior.I wanted to be less sensitive because the other aspects of our relationship were magic. I believed we were a perfect fit but found that I had a truly difficult time letting these “misdemeanors” go; I sometimes have a strong attraction to pain and memory. I would spuratically check his texts and fb messanger to see his conversations since he had some women friends from work and childhood. I was looking for things because I didn’t want to be deceived, though all the while deceiving myself as to how unhealthy and destructive my actions and thoughts were. He saw my struggle with my ego, the fight it put up, and said he would do whatever he could to not let it come between us. Whenever I spoke to him about the insecurities he listened carefully and would want me to talk till I didnt want to anymore. Because I felt he was the love of my life, a connection on so many levels, I was happily going to give it my all, so I thought.
    Cut to a week before I broke it off, he just came back from a road trip with his sister, who despised me for reasons which do not matter and should not have mattered all along had I been able to let it roll off my back (oh, competition, you sly devil). We had an amazing week when he got back and enjoyed the end of his vacation in glory. Then I saw these long messages between him and a work friend who left the job. They were so friendly and she gave him a flower offering emoji, ugh. How could I stand by when it seemed I was sharing my bf’s affection. Not only that but I knew for certain he wanted kids and I was not very sure of it. I also had a problem with how territorial his sister was about her younger brother of 2 years, and had some weird shows of physical affection a few times in the past.
    So after the week, I noticed that there was an eerie distance between us though we felt so close. It was hard to accept an ambiguous feeling, and I shudder at vulnerability at times. I was mindscrewing myself and believed he truly didnt love me or want to be with me fully. I had my doubts early on, which I would chalk up to be a call for self-love that I needed to relish in. Anyways, I broke one day. And to make matters worst I texted him this while he was at work-that I couldn’t take it anymore. Silly me. I try to hold back tears as I write this. I just feel that I cheapened our love by all the doubts and the way I went about that conversation. He tried to talk and make up when he gothome but I said no, I feel much better like this. The pressure was released and I didnt feel the pain. A quick fix. Then days later it hit me and I asked if we could reconcile and do counseling. He straight up said no. I was like mm ok. I think tried 3 or 4 more times, assuming I was lukewarm in my apology and attempts. It was futile. He said if it was a few days before when I first tried to ammend, then it would have been different. I guessed when the door closes to his heart, its closed, so I said ok I believe you now on my last attempt. I said I wouldn’t delude myself anymore. We still went out to eat, hiked, and had sex a few times in the couple months we lived together post breakup. So the last week or two before I left he went on a zen silent retreat, where they reflect about there relationships and what they’ve given and taken and taking an honest look at things. Before sharing with me some of the things he wrote down about the section they contemplated a difficult situation in their life presently, he said our “possible breakup”. Being the emotional avoidant I can sometimes be, and on top of the confusing mixed signal which he elluded no further to, I did not comment but listened to him share. Then we talked a little but I did not bring that up again, as to let him explain. He didnt. So the night before I left, I asked him about it in bed, which we still shared. He said he was scared of rejection and that was why he didnt say more. I didnt quite believe it and he quickly said no, that is a lie. I quickly interjected it’s just a game. I guess we sometimes do that with the ones we love. I feel words get in the way and there were just so many times I opened my mouth and feel I degraded myself and our love. Not that we ever yelled at each other, but you also don’t have to share everything that goes on in the mind. Or does is matter when it’s love?
    So cut to now and he visited our hometown, where I moved back to 2 months after our breakup. We’ve kept some communication over the 9 months. We spent the day together and it was beautiful and bittersweet and a lot of fun. We had a long walk and sat out and had a drink. The sun was shining bright and we were by the water enjoying a delicious conversation. I was vibing. We went and played a couple games of pool and i felt frisky after the 2nd glass of wine, though I made no moves outside of playful flirtation, which is very subtle for me. He asked if I was ready to go and I said ok. I didn’t know what was next but I wanted there to be a next. When I got out of the restroom I heard him talking to someone that he was meeting up with some friends. Air left the sails. When we got outside he asked if I wanted to go somewhere to get something to eat or if I was ready to go back and I said we can go back. I wasn’t hungry that moment but wished I had chosen different. Not like it was him asking me back but I haven’t seen him for so long and I missed him and just hated that I had to let him go, quietly. We will meet again tomorrow because I left something in his car, but on the ride home he asked if I wanted to meet up again before he leaves and obviously I said yes.
    I just would like to know what how I should deal with this situation or if anyone has experience or feedback with this kind of thing. Let it escalate organically if it will, I suppose is my go-to approach. But something is saying inside me that im icing over and to be more emotionally available.

    1. Sarah

      Why did your boyfriend visit your hometown? Just to see you? Or for some other reason?

      That he is still seeing you nearly a year after your breakup can be for several reasons. He might still have hopes of making your relationship work. Or he might just want to satisfy his ego that YOU still want him back. Or he might have tried the single life, found it disappointing and a bit lonely, and decided that being with you was better than nothing. Or he might have had an empty weekend with nothing else to do.

      Are you SURE of what YOU really want?

      Either you can continue to let things rides, and live with the uncertainty; or you can talk to him. But you have to be brave enough to tell him how you really feel, once you’ve worked that out. And what you hear back might not be what you want.

      The best thing you can do is find other things with which to fill you life; and you should have started doing this months ago. Both of you have tried with this relationship, and in your hearts both of you know that it’s not going anywhere any more. Talk to him, and prepare to move on.

  39. Help

    I broke up with him because I felt I wasn’t enough to keep him happy anymore.. we’ve been fighting a lot and the fights are bad. But when we’re not fighting, everything is perfect.. we’ve been together ten months today (I broke up with him today).. I feel it is a mistake but I’m afraid of rejection…

    1. Sarah

      You haven’t said what you were fighting over. Are there some real issues between you, or were you just starting fights because you wanted reassurance that he really loved and wanted you?

  40. Popainetofu

    Hey, I had a long term relationship for almost 3 years with a wonderful guy who happens to be 6 years older than me. I got really insecure when it came to being serious and talking about moving in and stuff I felt like I can’t give him what he needs in that moment so I broke up with him. I just didn’t feel like I was enough but turns out those were just my insecurities, he didn’t feel that way at all. I can’t stop regreting it. We broke up a month ago and said we would meet for a coffee. We did, last week and it was soo amazing. It was as if nothing’s changed. We flirted a but, he said he was excited to see me and we even hugged and had a very brief kiss goodbye. But he did say he doesn’t just wanna go back(I don’t either) but he also said he wants to see me again. I would love to see him more often and maybe see if we would like to build our relationship on more stable situation(I’m getting my life back on track). I am terrified of rejection. Do you have any adivce, should I wait another month for a coffee or should I call him like next week? Do you have any advice on what to do next? Sorry for the long post
    And thank you for your answers

    1. Sarah

      In this situation you can certainly call him, but before you do you need to think carefully about what you want to say. You don’t say how old you are, but I would guess that you are still young and perhaps you don’t really feel ready to move in with someone yet. You need to be able to explain to him what kind of relationship you DO see yourself having with him, so that he can decide whether that’s OK for him too. Or if your doubts WERE just you panicking for a moment because things were getting serious, then you need to understand whether your doubts were about yourself, as you seem to think, or whether they came because this isn’t the right relationship for you. Taking the pressure off each other for a while will help both of you see more clearly what the right future is.

  41. Nina

    I dated him for a month, perfect relationship, apart from intimacy… I couldn’t get myself to fully commit to the relationship…i broke up with him. But i want him back

    1. Sarah

      Why couldn’t you fully commit to the relationship? And why, in that case, do you now want him back?

  42. Brooke

    I told my boyfriend that I would maybe be moving and then he went to his best friend and told him that if I move he was going to break.up with me then his best friend told me and I went up to him the next day and ask him about it and he acted like he didn’t care and I blamed him and I broke up with him but I want him back now plz help

    1. Sarah

      Well, are you moving? And if so, is it for a good reason? And did you explain the reason to your boyfriend? And did you try to talk in a mature and sensible way about how this might affect your relationship?

  43. simran vaidya

    I had a lovely boyfriend but I broke up because I assumed he is not in love with me as he did not contact me during our vacation. I did it in anger and later I realised that he did contact me but I did not get the message. I apologized for my mistake but he said he doesn’t want to have the relationship.He seems hurt and never misbehaved with me post break-up, he just avoids me. How do I get him back, I too don’t act desperate just be cordial if I”Have” to talk.please help

    1. Sarah

      Please learn from this experience not to get angry before you are sure you know the facts. You admit your boyfriend did nothing wrong, but you made an assumption and acted on it – unwisely. Your boyfriend may forgive you in time, but I’m afraid there’s a good chance he won’t because your behavior may have shown him aspects of your character that he didn’t like. Being so ready to believe the worst about him is a big no-no to most men.

  44. Baibz

    He has moved on with a fwend of mine wat du I du n I dumped him

    1. Sarah

      If you dumped him then this could be a rebound relationship. The best thing is not to panic – most rebound relationships don’t last. But if you only want him back because he’s now with your friend, well, that’s not a good enough reason, I’m afraid.

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