You cheated on your boyfriend but now you want him back.
Have you realized that you’ve made a terrible mistake, for which you’re now genuinely sorry? Or are you just panicking about the thought of facing life without your reliable old standby of a boyfriend?
You cheated on your boyfriend – that means you’ve made a serious mistake, and you should know right away that there’s no easy way to put it right. Men are not very forgiving when it comes to cheating, and that includes the reliable old standby. You have to understand why you did it, and why you now regret it and want him back. Unless you have some really good answers to these questions, you won’t have any secure foundation on which to rebuild your relationship.
You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – Why?
Men and women usually have very different reasons for cheating, and these reasons are crucial to whether or not you can be forgiven. So what are they?
Why men cheat
Men tend to cheat because they like sex and when the opportunity comes up they find it hard to say no; and because they think they can get away with it. In many cases they still love their wives or girlfriends, and don’t see it as being a big deal. Of course there’s a lot of moral chicanery going on here, but some men are just weak or ambivalent, or have double standards, and the result is that they cheat.
A man is more prone to cheating if his relationship is unhappy or unsatisfying, and the other woman offers him whatever he is not getting from his girlfriend; whether it is sex, fun, appreciation, respect or some other quality that makes him feel good about himself. If it’s not just about sex, then he is probably looking for admiration and appreciation.
Either he wants to be superman, or superstud.
Why women cheat
Women tend to cheat because their emotional needs aren’t being met. Some women do cheat for sex, but more often it’s because the other man pays her the attention her boyfriend or husband no longer bothers to give her.
Some men relax a bit too much once they feel that they have “won” their wives or girlfriends. This results in a woman who feels increasingly taken for granted. A woman who cheats will often say she felt unappreciated or ignored or lonely, and that her boyfriend didn’t listen to her any more.
This means that women are more likely to have an affair with someone who is part of their social group – a friend, a co-worker, or someone from their wider social circle. They are likely to see the man as someone who is more attentive, appreciative and understanding – or at least appears to be.
The crux of this is that men tend to have less emotional investment in their reasons for cheating. This colors their perception of how they should respond when you cheat.
Do a Bit of Soul Searching
So you need to think hard about why you cheated on your boyfriend , because when you fully understand your reasons you will also know whether your relationship is worth saving. Cheating can be a sign that something is seriously lacking between you and your boyfriend, something important enough to prevent you ever being truly happy together.
It’s useful to make a list of all the good and the bad aspects of your relationship. Put them side by side in columns, and see how they look together in the cold light of day. Are they about the same length, or is one significantly longer than the other? When you see the positive and the negative set out so starkly, it should be much easier to see just how good your relationship really was.
You need a healthy weight of positives to save this relationship. You need to have sufficient motivation yourself, and the prize needs to be worth winning for your boyfriend to be willing to forgive you.
Be realistic. Would you be better off trying to move on?
You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – Time to Face Reality
Cheating is not easy to overlook. It’s not like a row that will cool down and give you the chance to sort things out later. It is a betrayal, a serious breach of faith. You are going to have to regain your boyfriend’s trust.
You must show HIM that you are taking this seriously.
Tell him you are sorry that you hurt him; and that you want to give him some time to get over it. You should ask him whether, for now, he wants to stay in touch with you. If he doesn’t, you will have to respect this and give him some time alone.
You will want to try to patch things up as soon as possible, because you want the pain you caused him and the pain you are now feeling to go away. That’s natural. But you have to make allowances for his feelings, and right now the emotions between you will be running high.
- You need to give your ex some time to heal.
- You need to be clear in your own mind about why you cheated, and whether your relationship can be saved.
- You need to give your ex a chance to come to terms with your betrayal. This is the only way he can know if he is willing to try again.
You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – What Should You Say To Him Now?
When the time comes to reach out to your boyfriend, a text message or an email can be more effective than a call, because it is less threatening. You need to communicate with him, but first you must earn the right to call him.
With a text or email, you can control the temperature of the conversation. Start with casual messages that are designed to catch up and keep in touch. Don’t suggest meeting up, or talk about your relationship. And don’t bombard him with messages. Send one, and then wait for him to answer. If he doesn’t reply, leave it for another week or two. Then try another message that is completely unrelated to the last one. You need to make him feel comfortable enough to want to talk to you.
For a complete low-down on how to use text messages to get your ex boyfriend back, visit this page.
If he’s blocked you from texting and email, you may have to try sending him a letter.
But you’ll have to face the possibility that he won’t be able to forgive you, even if a part of him would like to. Women find the emotional connection hardest to forgive. But for men, the sexual element is just as hard to get past – maybe even harder. A lot will depend on how long and how strong your relationship was, and how powerful his motivation is to salvage it.
Sometimes the effort just won’t seem worth it. Obviously a married man with children has far more to lose, and therefore is more likely at least to try to patch things up, than a man with a girlfriend of a few weeks or months.
Why Men Can’t Forgive Women Who Cheat
What is it about sexual infidelity that makes it so hard for a man to forgive a woman who cheats?
The double standard between men and women means that women are far more likely to stay with a cheating partner – and believe him when he promises not to do it again. The degree of emotional involvement is a big factor for women, but the ultimate deal breaker is when a man fathers another woman’s child. This is very hard for a woman to forgive.
For men though, the sexual infidelity alone is enough.
It isn’t that men don’t care about the emotional infidelity: they do. It’s just that they take it for granted; that it’s part and parcel of the whole thing. After all, you wouldn’t have had sex with him if you didn’t have feelings for him, would you?
Why sexual infidelity is so devastating to men
Men are visual people and think about sex a lot.
So if a man’s wife or girlfriend cheats, he can’t stop thinking about it and imagining his woman “in the act” with another man. He can often become obsessed with it: how much she enjoyed it, what she did for the lover that she never did for him, what she got from the lover that he didn’t give her, and so on and so on.
Above all is the thought that she couldn’t really have cared about him, or been happy with him, or she wouldn’t have done it.
As he sees it, men have sex easily, but women need to be wooed and won. Therefore, if a woman cheats, it must be important to her.
Another man has taken what he believed was his.
Many men believe women can’t have sex without emotions – and to an extent, they are right. Women do find it harder than men to be sexually intimate while remaining emotionally uninvolved, at least over the long term.
So it becomes a black and white issue to him. Either she loves the other man, or she is worthless, because she will have meaningless sex.
And a woman who has meaningless sex can’t be trusted.
This is where the double standard between men and women remains very much alive. It may be wrong or unfair, but it’s a deeply emotional thing, and emotions are not subject to reason or the rules of equality.
So you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.
How a woman becomes the victim of the double standard
Either you had feelings for this other man, and therefore the betrayal is absolute; or you didn’t and so you could never be trusted again; because you could have sex with any man who shows an interest in you.
“Men can forgive themselves for their indiscretions, but find it much harder to forgive their partners for the same,” says therapist Phillip Hodson, Fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. “For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offence against her dignity. For a betrayed man, it’s an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity.”
Men see themselves as providers and protectors. In fact they often feel that their efforts as providers go unappreciated by women. And by taking a lover, his woman is telling him – and the world – that he wasn’t enough for her in this crucial way.
The feelings of humiliation and failure can be devastating.
Some Difficult Aspects to Face About a Woman Cheating
It remains true that women are far more likely to forgive and remain with a cheater than men. At the heart of this dichotomy lie two truths that don’t sit easily with modern concepts regarding male and female roles, with feminism, or with the politically correct view of women’s role in relationships.
Women are seen – and often actively raised – as nurturers, to show empathy and compassion for others; men on the other hand will protect and defend while showing little inclination for forgiveness. This quality places a woman at the center of the household, so that her betrayal creates a fracture in the essential structure that wounds – fatally – the whole relationship.
It is impossible to put it back together in a way that repairs it to a point where it becomes viable again.
There’s also the purely biological aspect of the sexual act, which makes women the receivers of the male organ and seed. Knowing that another man has “invaded” their woman may be an aspect of the betrayal that is tormenting to a man, although in this PC world many would have difficulty admitting to it, and I can already hear the howls of outrage from the feminists.
But I strongly suspect that it is significant and even goes right to the heart of the matter; and since it’s to do with how a man feels, saying you disapprove of it is rather pointless. But then anybody who lives by dogma will always have trouble facing reality.
You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – How Do You Earn Back His Trust?
This is where actions speak much louder than words.
- Drop all connection with the other man. If it means changing your job, your gym or your hobbies, then do it. He must know that you are serious about never seeing the other man again. There are bound to be a lot of problems regarding trust, and you may have to be tolerant of his suspicions for a long time to come. This is why you should be very sure that your relationship is worth it.
- Make him feel important, and be prepared to put yourself second for a while. You have indulged yourself by having this liaison. Now it’s his turn to be indulged.
- Keep looking great. You should never let your feelings of guilt and regret take control of your life. It might seem superficial, but letting yourself go physically at this time would be a big mistake. Whatever else they are, men are visual creatures and they will always find it harder to turn their backs on a gorgeous and sexy woman. Do your best to look amazing. It’s seems shallow, but men really do notice and care about this.
- Give it time. Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild, and there’s no timetable for it. You must face the possibility that he may never completely trust you again. You need to be sure that you can live with that dichotomy.
You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – What Next?
Take things slowly. The more you try to hurry, the more likely you are to make a mistake. Accept that you have a mountain to climb, and that you need to plan each step carefully. So don’t press him into making promises or commitments before he’s ready for it.
Remember that men handle breakups very differently from women, so don’t always expect to understand his motives or behavior. (To find out more about how men handle breakups, visit this page).
For the ultimate “get your ex boyfriend back” guide, you need The Ex Boyfriend Guide which tells you everything you need to know about men, breakups and how to mend relationships. Find out more by clicking the link below.