You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – How Can You Get Him Back?

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – How Can You Get Him Back?

You cheated on your boyfriend but now you want him back.

But why?

Have you realized that you’ve made a terrible mistake, for which you’re now genuinely sorry? Or are you just panicking about the thought of facing life without your reliable old standby of a boyfriend?

You cheated on your boyfriend – that means you’ve made a serious mistake, and you should know right away that there’s no easy way to put it right. Men are not very forgiving when it comes to cheating, and that includes the reliable old standby. You have to understand why you did it, and why you now regret it and want him back. Unless you have some really good answers to these questions, you won’t have any secure foundation on which to rebuild your relationship.

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – Why?

Men and women usually have very different reasons for cheating, and these reasons are crucial to whether or not you can be forgiven. So what are they?

Why men cheat

Men tend to cheat because they like sex and when the opportunity comes up they find it hard to say no; and because they think they can get away with it. In many cases they still love their wives or girlfriends, and don’t see it as being a big deal. Of course there’s a lot of moral chicanery going on here, but some men are just weak or ambivalent, or have double standards, and the result is that they cheat.

i cheated on my boyfriend

A man is more prone to cheating if his relationship is unhappy or unsatisfying, and the other woman offers him whatever he is not getting from his girlfriend; whether it is sex, fun, appreciation, respect or some other quality that makes him feel good about himself. If it’s not just about sex, then he is probably looking for admiration and appreciation.

Either he wants to be superman, or superstud.

Why women cheat

Women tend to cheat because their emotional needs aren’t being met. Some women do cheat for sex, but more often it’s because the other man pays her the attention her boyfriend or husband no longer bothers to give her.

Some men relax a bit too much once they feel that they have “won” their wives or girlfriends. This results in a woman who feels increasingly taken for granted. A woman who cheats will often say she felt unappreciated or ignored or lonely, and that her boyfriend didn’t listen to her any more.

This means that women are more likely to have an affair with someone who is part of their social group – a friend, a co-worker, or someone from their wider social circle. They are likely to see the man as someone who is more attentive, appreciative and understanding – or at least appears to be.

I cheated on my boyfriend
At first it was just work…and then we started talking…

The crux of this is that men tend to have less emotional investment in their reasons for cheating. This colors their perception of how they should respond when you cheat.

Do a Bit of Soul Searching

So you need to think hard about why you cheated on your boyfriend , because when you fully understand your reasons you will also know whether your relationship is worth saving. Cheating can be a sign that something is seriously lacking between you and your boyfriend, something important enough to prevent you ever being truly happy together.

It’s useful to make a list of all the good and the bad aspects of your relationship. Put them side by side in columns, and see how they look together in the cold light of day. Are they about the same length, or is one significantly longer than the other? When you see the positive and the negative set out so starkly, it should be much easier to see just how good your relationship really was.

I cheated on my boyfriend

You need a healthy weight of positives to save this relationship. You need to have sufficient motivation yourself, and the prize needs to be worth winning for your boyfriend to be willing to forgive you.

Be realistic. Would you be better off trying to move on?

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – Time to Face Reality

Cheating is not easy to overlook. It’s not like a row that will cool down and give you the chance to sort things out later. It is a betrayal, a serious breach of faith. You are going to have to regain your boyfriend’s trust.

You must show HIM that you are taking this seriously.

Tell him you are sorry that you hurt him; and that you want to give him some time to get over it. You should ask him whether, for now, he wants to stay in touch with you. If he doesn’t, you will have to respect this and give him some time alone.

You will want to try to patch things up as soon as possible, because you want the pain you caused him and the pain you are now feeling to go away. That’s natural. But you have to make allowances for his feelings, and right now the emotions between you will be running high.

  • You need to give your ex some time to heal.
  • You need to be clear in your own mind about why you cheated, and whether your relationship can be saved.
  • You need to give your ex a chance to come to terms with your betrayal. This is the only way he can know if he is willing to try again.

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – What Should You Say To Him Now?

When the time comes to reach out to your boyfriend, a text message or an email can be more effective than a call, because it is less threatening. You need to communicate with him, but first you must earn the right to call him.

With a text or email, you can control the temperature of the conversation. Start with casual messages that are designed to catch up and keep in touch. Don’t suggest meeting up, or talk about your relationship. And don’t bombard him with messages. Send one, and then wait for him to answer. If he doesn’t reply, leave it for another week or two. Then try another message that is completely unrelated to the last one. You need to make him feel comfortable enough to want to talk to you.

For a complete low-down on how to use text messages to get your ex boyfriend back, visit this page.

If he’s blocked you from texting and email, you may have to try sending him a letter.

But you’ll have to face the possibility that he won’t be able to forgive you, even if a part of him would like to. Women find the emotional connection hardest to forgive. But for men, the sexual element is just as hard to get past – maybe even harder. A lot will depend on how long and how strong your relationship was, and how powerful his motivation is to salvage it.

Sometimes the effort just won’t seem worth it. Obviously a married man with children has far more to lose, and therefore is more likely at least to try to patch things up, than a man with a girlfriend of a few weeks or months.

Why Men Can’t Forgive Women Who Cheat

What is it about sexual infidelity that makes it so hard for a man to forgive a woman who cheats?

The double standard between men and women means that women are far more likely to stay with a cheating partner – and believe him when he promises not to do it again. The degree of emotional involvement is a big factor for women, but the ultimate deal breaker is when a man fathers another woman’s child. This is very hard for a woman to forgive.

For men though, the sexual infidelity alone is enough.

It isn’t that men don’t care about the emotional infidelity: they do. It’s just that they take it for granted; that it’s part and parcel of the whole thing. After all, you wouldn’t have had sex with him if you didn’t have feelings for him, would you?

Why sexual infidelity is so devastating to men

Men are visual people and think about sex a lot.

So if a man’s wife or girlfriend cheats, he can’t stop thinking about it and imagining his woman “in the act” with another man. He can often become obsessed with it: how much she enjoyed it, what she did for the lover that she never did for him, what she got from the lover that he didn’t give her, and so on and so on.

Above all is the thought that she couldn’t really have cared about him, or been happy with him, or she wouldn’t have done it.

As he sees it, men have sex easily, but women need to be wooed and won. Therefore, if a woman cheats, it must be important to her.

Another man has taken what he believed was his.

Many men believe women can’t have sex without emotions – and to an extent, they are right. Women do find it harder than men to be sexually intimate while remaining emotionally uninvolved, at least over the long term.

So it becomes a black and white issue to him. Either she loves the other man, or she is worthless, because she will have meaningless sex.

And a woman who has meaningless sex can’t be trusted.

This is where the double standard between men and women remains very much alive. It may be wrong or unfair, but it’s a deeply emotional thing, and emotions are not subject to reason or the rules of equality.

So you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

How a woman becomes the victim of the double standard

Either you had feelings for this other man, and therefore the betrayal is absolute; or you didn’t and so you could never be trusted again; because you could have sex with any man who shows an interest in you.

“Men can forgive themselves for their indiscretions, but find it much harder to forgive their partners for the same,” says therapist Phillip Hodson, Fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. “For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offence against her dignity. For a betrayed man, it’s an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity.”

Men see themselves as providers and protectors. In fact they often feel that their efforts as providers go unappreciated by women. And by taking a lover, his woman is telling him – and the world – that he wasn’t enough for her in this crucial way.

The feelings of humiliation and failure can be devastating.

Some Difficult Aspects to Face About a Woman Cheating

It remains true that women are far more likely to forgive and remain with a cheater than men. At the heart of this dichotomy lie two truths that don’t sit easily with modern concepts regarding male and female roles, with feminism, or with the politically correct view of women’s role in relationships.

Women are seen – and often actively raised – as nurturers, to show empathy and compassion for others; men on the other hand will protect and defend while showing little inclination for forgiveness. This quality places a woman at the center of the household, so that her betrayal creates a fracture in the essential structure that wounds – fatally – the whole relationship.

It is impossible to put it back together in a way that repairs it to a point where it becomes viable again.

There’s also the purely biological aspect of the sexual act, which makes women the receivers of the male organ and seed. Knowing that another man has “invaded” their woman may be an aspect of the betrayal that is tormenting to a man, although in this PC world many would have difficulty admitting to it, and I can already hear the howls of outrage from the feminists.

But I strongly suspect that it is significant and even goes right to the heart of the matter; and since it’s to do with how a man feels, saying you disapprove of it is rather pointless. But then anybody who lives by dogma will always have trouble facing reality.

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – How Do You Earn Back His Trust?

This is where actions speak much louder than words.

  • Drop all connection with the other man. If it means changing your job, your gym or your hobbies, then do it. He must know that you are serious about never seeing the other man again. There are bound to be a lot of problems regarding trust, and you may have to be tolerant of his suspicions for a long time to come. This is why you should be very sure that your relationship is worth it.
  • Make him feel important, and be prepared to put yourself second for a while. You have indulged yourself by having this liaison. Now it’s his turn to be indulged.
  • Keep looking great. You should never let your feelings of guilt and regret take control of your life. It might seem superficial, but letting yourself go physically at this time would be a big mistake. Whatever else they are, men are visual creatures and they will always find it harder to turn their backs on a gorgeous and sexy woman. Do your best to look amazing. It’s seems shallow, but men really do notice and care about this.
  • Give it time. Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild, and there’s no timetable for it. You must face the possibility that he may never completely trust you again. You need to be sure that you can live with that dichotomy.

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – What Next?

Take things slowly. The more you try to hurry, the more likely you are to make a mistake. Accept that you have a mountain to climb, and that you need to plan each step carefully. So don’t press him into making promises or commitments before he’s ready for it.

Remember that men handle breakups very differently from women, so don’t always expect to understand his motives or behavior. (To find out more about how men handle breakups, visit this page).

You can find out more about how to get your ex boyfriend back by visiting this page, where you’ll find a multi-layer, detailed plan set out for you, ready to follow.

For the ultimate “get your ex boyfriend back” guide, you need The Ex Boyfriend Guide which tells you everything you need to know about men, breakups and how to mend relationships. Find out more by clicking the link below.

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10 Responses to You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – How Can You Get Him Back?

  1. I cheated on my bf he found out within a week he wanted us to try and save the relationship but after few days he decided we should move in on he has been going back and forth and I’m really confused as to what he wants what do I do

    • What have YOU done to try to save the relationship?

      You are the one at fault. Perhaps your boyfriend was expecting you to make some effort to convince him that there was some point in trying again.

  2. Ok. I’m going to be honest. And slut shamed most likely. But here it goes. Let it be a lesson, and I will try to keep you updated on my situation.

    I cheated on the man I have loved since I seen him. We are a may December relationship. From the outset, you can imagine the criticism that I faced from those around him. We met by accident. He was my brothers attorney. My mom seen it. When we finally met, it was incourt. I felt sweaty and faint. Listen, when you experience love at first sight, that is it. It is a strong hold. It still holds me. The judge seen it. Everyone noticed the sparks.

    His friends, I always faced criticism from. It affected me negatively. I would question HIM why they thought this way about me. We fought, alot. He divorced his wife after he started dating someone new, who endup leaving him. I met him 2 weeks after his 2year divorce was finalized. It was pure and organic. A year later he dumped me. The narcissism is real in attorneys. He is a “nice guy”(meaning, to everyone else he is unfailingly kind. But you get the vitriol). Nonetheless, I love him.

    We split up a year later. Like I said. It was tragic. He got with a woman he worked with and I moved on months later and got married. Had my daughter. Her father is an immigrant. I am still legally married. Why? I cannot put a good father in an unstable situation. John and I started talking again, he had long split with the girl (who I swear looked like me). We waited a year before moving in together with the agreement as soon as my exhusband gets his green card we will get married. Period.
    My being legally married played on me. My ex husband and he are remarkably friendly. To this day. A year later, My mother moved in (bad idea. Ladies. Do not let another woman come in your house and try to dominate it) and it was ok for while…
    My job is an emotional one. I lost my favorite client ever. A week before hand our fighting got so bad, my SO spit on me and wished death on my client. Said client died a week later to the day.

    I spiraled silently for months, even consuming narcotic drugs. Something I’d never imagine doing. Believe me, I’m clean and done, after my arrest in july. A OWI, get this, for suspicion of being under the influence of my prescription (which, I didn’t take and don’t even care to do). The day I injured myself is the day I cheated, in the home, he found the evidence EVERYWHERE. I had taking pills, and by golly, I don’t even remember anything else. It is so humiliating and disgusting. I’m disgusted with myself.

    Now, I gave him months of space. My stuff is still at his home though he has given me back some things. My mother, yes, is still in his home. Of course, naturally, tearing me down(I’m telling you my issues with my mother, the death of my client and the our relationship issues, coupled with all the stress of my marriage). He still sees my daughter.
    I’ve been fine for months. I’ve given him his space. I’m staying with a friend, and have really gotten myself back together (I wasn’t that bad. I was never strung out or using regulary, it’s the fact I used them) I’m going to start counseling and I am so humbled in life. I really am. I text him yesterday, as we have exchanged text, that I wanted a second chance. I know exactly the cause of my frustration, and he gave me no support at all. He provide a roof over my head.
    His relationship with my daughter is special. More than anything I have disrupted her life. She will never have a connection with another man. One of the reasons I want to get back together. I am willing to do what I must to please him…I asked for forgiveness and asked to have another chance. I let him know he can set the stipulations. One things for certain, he has not yet asked me why. I am trying to take accountability for my actions. Honestly. I do not want to shift blame. However, this has to be discussed. When I informed him that I wanted another chance, I told him I don’t want to do it again, and deal with the same routine. I can put up with alot, but I can’t put up with not being loved.

    I planted the seed. How should I proceed?

    • You seem to have a lot of issues to deal with, of which your relationships with men are probably not, at this time, the most important. Your biggest priority is to create a good life for yourself and your daughter. This means a stable home and, for your daughter, a mother who is calm and settled; someone om whom she feels she can depend. You must realize that YOU are the most critical person in her life, and after that, her father. Get the counselling you mentioned, and try to rebuild your life, and with it, your self-esteem. If you can learn to respect yourself, you will find that respect from others will follow. You will also surprise yourself when you discover just how much you are really capable of. Don’t look to a man, any man, to provide the solutions for you. Be strong. Be brave. Be yourself.

      • I had two boyfriends. I fell in love with the second one and he founf out about the first. I kept lying that I’d break up with the first and I never did till he got tired of the lies. Thing is I didn’t wanna hurt the first one because of how he loved me. Now iv lost the man I truly love. I feel so horrible. I miss him so badly

        • You have treated 2 men poorly and now you are paying the price.

          If you are in love with another man, you are not doing your boyfriend any favours by staying with him. And if he is using his ‘love’ to guilt you into staying (it’s most unlikely that he doesn’t know you don’t really love him, whether or not he is admitting it to himself); then he has no right to do so. Have an honest conversation with him about all this because your relationship is going nowhere.

          Maybe the man you say you love will forgive you; maybe he won’t. But don’t expect it as a right when you have ended your relationship. Learn from this and don’t repeat your mistakes.

  3. I cheated on my boyfriend of 14 months with a coworker. I regret it deeply and i wish i hadn’t done it. The last week and the time of the two time cheating, i asked my boyfriend for some space and told him that i was unhappy. Because that’s simply what it was. I was unhappy because he wasn’t giving me the attention i wanted and the other guy was. I feel so stupid though because it could’ve been an easy fix but i can’t take it back now. it’s confusing because my ex is still continuing to talk to me here and there and he knows i want him back but continues to say he’s moving on and he can’t go back based on what happened but he’s never once said he’s done or that he’s done with me. I don’t know what to do besides give him time. I love him more than anything and I regret what happened so much. I’ve asked him if i could do anything to get him back and he said there’s nothing i can do. i can’t help but hold onto hope that maybe there’s another chance. Any advice?

  4. I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend, and now I just wish, wish, WISH I hadn’t. I just wanted him to realize that I wasn’t with him because I didn’t have any other options. I wanted him to SHOW me he loved me as much as I loved him. Now I’m afraid I’ve ruined everything. I tried everything to get him to show he cared. But the more I tried, the more he backed away. I just don’t understand WHY he couldn’t show me he loved me. It just doesn’t make sense. In fact, the only way it DOES make sense is if he didn’t love me after all. In fact, I don’t know why I’m even writing this. The answer’s so obvious. But I want him back. Is there ANYTHING I can do to make it happen?

    • Hi Alexandra,

      The more you advanced towards him, the more be backed away – this is SUCH a common mistake for women to make. The best way to get a man to show he loves you is not to keep demanding and/or giving in order to get a response. It’s better to hold back a little, and give him the space to advance towards you. But now you have the added complication of your cheating, and with his friend. This gives him the perfect excuse to walk away, if that’s what he wants. You will have to give him time to decide, and while he does you need to give him space as well, and stop trying to force things to be as you want. Showing him you understand your mistakes without demanding anything from him is the first step to regaining his respect. I’m afraid it will take time, so don’t put your life on hold waiting for him to come back.

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