You cheated on your boyfriend but now you want him back.

But why?

Have you realized that you’ve made a terrible mistake, for which you’re now genuinely sorry? Or are you just panicking about the thought of facing life without your reliable old standby of a boyfriend?

You cheated on your boyfriend – that means you’ve made a serious mistake, and you should know right away that there’s no easy way to put it right. Men are not very forgiving when it comes to cheating, and that includes the reliable old standby. You have to understand why you did it, and why you now regret it and want him back. Unless you have some really good answers to these questions, you won’t have any secure foundation on which to rebuild your relationship.

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – Why?

Men and women usually have very different reasons for cheating, and these reasons are crucial to whether or not you can be forgiven. So what are they?

Why men cheat

Men tend to cheat because they like sex and when the opportunity comes up they find it hard to say no; and because they think they can get away with it. In many cases they still love their wives or girlfriends, and don’t see it as being a big deal. Of course there’s a lot of moral chicanery going on here, but some men are just weak or ambivalent, or have double standards, and the result is that they cheat.

i cheated on my boyfriend

A man is more prone to cheating if his relationship is unhappy or unsatisfying, and the other woman offers him whatever he is not getting from his girlfriend; whether it is sex, fun, appreciation, respect or some other quality that makes him feel good about himself. If it’s not just about sex, then he is probably looking for admiration and appreciation.

Either he wants to be superman, or superstud.

Why women cheat

Women tend to cheat because their emotional needs aren’t being met. Some women do cheat for sex, but more often it’s because the other man pays her the attention her boyfriend or husband no longer bothers to give her.

Some men relax a bit too much once they feel that they have “won” their wives or girlfriends. This results in a woman who feels increasingly taken for granted. A woman who cheats will often say she felt unappreciated or ignored or lonely, and that her boyfriend didn’t listen to her any more.

This means that women are more likely to have an affair with someone who is part of their social group – a friend, a co-worker, or someone from their wider social circle. They are likely to see the man as someone who is more attentive, appreciative and understanding – or at least appears to be.

I cheated on my boyfriend

At first it was just work…and then we started talking…

The crux of this is that men tend to have less emotional investment in their reasons for cheating. This colors their perception of how they should respond when you cheat.

Do a Bit of Soul Searching

So you need to think hard about why you cheated on your boyfriend , because when you fully understand your reasons you will also know whether your relationship is worth saving. Cheating can be a sign that something is seriously lacking between you and your boyfriend, something important enough to prevent you ever being truly happy together.

It’s useful to make a list of all the good and the bad aspects of your relationship. Put them side by side in columns, and see how they look together in the cold light of day. Are they about the same length, or is one significantly longer than the other? When you see the positive and the negative set out so starkly, it should be much easier to see just how good your relationship really was.

I cheated on my boyfriend

You need a healthy weight of positives to save this relationship. You need to have sufficient motivation yourself, and the prize needs to be worth winning for your boyfriend to be willing to forgive you.

Be realistic. Would you be better off trying to move on?

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – Time to Face Reality

Cheating is not easy to overlook. It’s not like a row that will cool down and give you the chance to sort things out later. It is a betrayal, a serious breach of faith. You are going to have to regain your boyfriend’s trust.

You must show HIM that you are taking this seriously.

Tell him you are sorry that you hurt him; and that you want to give him some time to get over it. You should ask him whether, for now, he wants to stay in touch with you. If he doesn’t, you will have to respect this and give him some time alone.

You will want to try to patch things up as soon as possible, because you want the pain you caused him and the pain you are now feeling to go away. That’s natural. But you have to make allowances for his feelings, and right now the emotions between you will be running high.

You need to give your ex some time to heal.

You need to be clear in your own mind about why you cheated, and whether your relationship can be saved.

You need to give your ex a chance to come to terms with your betrayal. This is the only way he can know if he is willing to try again.

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – What Should You Say To Him Now?

When the time comes to reach out to your boyfriend, a text message or an email can be more effective than a call, because it is less threatening. You need to communicate with him, but first you must earn the right to call him.

With a text or email, you can control the temperature of the conversation. Start with casual messages that are designed to catch up and keep in touch. Don’t suggest meeting up, or talk about your relationship. And don’t bombard him with messages. Send one, and then wait for him to answer. If he doesn’t reply, leave it for another week or two. Then try another message that is completely unrelated to the last one. You need to make him feel comfortable enough to want to talk to you.

For a complete low-down on how to use text messages to get your ex boyfriend back, visit this page.

If he’s blocked you from texting and email, you may have to try sending him a letter.

But you’ll have to face the possibility that he won’t be able to forgive you, even if a part of him would like to. Women find the emotional connection hardest to forgive. But for men, the sexual element is just as hard to get past – maybe even harder. A lot will depend on how long and how strong your relationship was, and how powerful his motivation is to salvage it.

Sometimes the effort just won’t seem worth it. Obviously a married man with children has far more to lose, and therefore is more likely at least to try to patch things up, than a man with a girlfriend of a few weeks or months.

Why Men Can’t Forgive Women Who Cheat

What is it about sexual infidelity that makes it so hard for a man to forgive a woman who cheats?

The double standard between men and women means that women are far more likely to stay with a cheating partner – and believe him when he promises not to do it again. The degree of emotional involvement is a big factor for women, but the ultimate deal breaker is when a man fathers another woman’s child. This is very hard for a woman to forgive.

For men though, the sexual infidelity alone is enough.

It isn’t that men don’t care about the emotional infidelity: they do. It’s just that they take it for granted; that it’s part and parcel of the whole thing. After all, you wouldn’t have had sex with him if you didn’t have feelings for him, would you?

Why sexual infidelity is so devastating to men

Men are visual people and think about sex a lot.

So if a man’s wife or girlfriend cheats, he can’t stop thinking about it and imagining his woman “in the act” with another man. He can often become obsessed with it: how much she enjoyed it, what she did for the lover that she never did for him, what she got from the lover that he didn’t give her, and so on and so on.

Above all is the thought that she couldn’t really have cared about him, or been happy with him, or she wouldn’t have done it.

As he sees it, men have sex easily, but women need to be wooed and won. Therefore, if a woman cheats, it must be important to her.

Another man has taken what he believed was his.

Many men believe women can’t have sex without emotions – and to an extent, they are right. Women do find it harder than men to be sexually intimate while remaining emotionally uninvolved, at least over the long term.

So it becomes a black and white issue to him. Either she loves the other man, or she is worthless, because she will have meaningless sex.

And a woman who has meaningless sex can’t be trusted.

This is where the double standard between men and women remains very much alive. It may be wrong or unfair, but it’s a deeply emotional thing, and emotions are not subject to reason or the rules of equality.

So you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

How a woman becomes the victim of the double standard

Either you had feelings for this other man, and therefore the betrayal is absolute; or you didn’t and so you could never be trusted again; because you could have sex with any man who shows an interest in you.

“Men can forgive themselves for their indiscretions, but find it much harder to forgive their partners for the same,” says therapist Phillip Hodson, Fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. “For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offence against her dignity. For a betrayed man, it’s an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity.”

Men see themselves as providers and protectors. In fact they often feel that their efforts as providers go unappreciated by women. And by taking a lover, his woman is telling him – and the world – that he wasn’t enough for her in this crucial way.

The feelings of humiliation and failure can be devastating.

Some Difficult Aspects to Face About a Woman Cheating

It remains true that women are far more likely to forgive and remain with a cheater than men. At the heart of this dichotomy lie two truths that don’t sit easily with modern concepts regarding male and female roles, with feminism, or with the politically correct view of women’s role in relationships.

Women are seen – and often actively raised – as nurturers, to show empathy and compassion for others; men on the other hand will protect and defend while showing little inclination for forgiveness. This quality places a woman at the center of the household, so that her betrayal creates a fracture in the essential structure that wounds – fatally – the whole relationship.

It is impossible to put it back together in a way that repairs it to a point where it becomes viable again.

There’s also the purely biological aspect of the sexual act, which makes women the receivers of the male organ and seed. Knowing that another man has “invaded” their woman may be an aspect of the betrayal that is tormenting to a man, although in this PC world many would have difficulty admitting to it, and I can already hear the howls of outrage from the feminists.

But I strongly suspect that it is significant and even goes right to the heart of the matter; and since it’s to do with how a man feels, saying you disapprove of it is rather pointless. But then anybody who lives by dogma will always have trouble facing reality.

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – How Do You Earn Back His Trust?

This is where actions speak much louder than words.

Drop all connection with the other man

If it means changing your job, your gym or your hobbies, then do it. He must know that you are serious about never seeing the other man again. There are bound to be a lot of problems regarding trust, and you may have to be tolerant of his suspicions for a long time to come. This is why you should be very sure that your relationship is worth it.

Make him feel important

Be prepared to put yourself second for a while. You have indulged yourself by having this liaison. Now it’s his turn to be indulged.

Keep looking great

You should never let your feelings of guilt and regret take control of your life. It might seem superficial, but letting yourself go physically at this time would be a big mistake. Whatever else they are, men are visual creatures and they will always find it harder to turn their backs on a gorgeous and sexy woman. Do your best to look amazing. It’s seems shallow, but men really do notice and care about this.

Give it time

Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild, and there’s no timetable for it. You must face the possibility that he may never completely trust you again. You need to be sure that you can live with that dichotomy.

You Cheated On Your Boyfriend – What Next?

Take things slowly. The more you try to hurry, the more likely you are to make a mistake. Accept that you have a mountain to climb, and that you need to plan each step carefully. So don’t press him into making promises or commitments before he’s ready for it.

Remember that men handle breakups very differently from women, so don’t always expect to understand his motives or behavior. (To find out more about how men handle breakups, visit this page).

You can find out more about how to get your ex boyfriend back by visiting this page, where you’ll find a multi-layer, detailed plan set out for you, ready to follow.

For the ultimate “get your ex boyfriend back” guide, you need The Ex Boyfriend Guide which tells you everything you need to know about men, breakups and how to mend relationships. Find out more by clicking the link below.

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This Post Has 114 Comments

  1. Kay

    I was with my ex for 2 years and a bit, we had gotten together during 2021 lockdown, our relationship happened so quickly (I was introduced to him by a friend, we started texting and talking on the phone, met up and went on a date later that day, the following day we had sex, after that we were ganging out almost every day and the following week I had moved into his house and then a week after that I had met his mother). Me and him got on very well, until one day he in the first year he had gotten drunk and ended up attacking me, it hurt me but I forgave him as I knew he was was dealing with the passing of his sister and I chose to stick beside him and support him through it. His mother had spoken to him regarding the incident and he was very apologetic. We continued our relationship we were happy and in love and then it happened again, he had gotten drunk on Xmas and attacked me, I left the house that night and went to stay at his mothers. Once again I was hurt. The following day he had messaged me telling me to come home and I had refused and told him that I’m breaking up with him as I didn’t want to be in a violent relationship. He begged and pleaded and told me that he loves me and he couldn’t live without me and that he would stop drinking as it’s affecting our relationship and he doesn’t want to lose me. I forgave him again. We continued with our relationship, however I started to feeling anxious and our relationship didn’t feel strong as it did before. I told him that we should go on a break and he refused to go on a break and stated that if we going on a break we will never get back together, I loved him so much and I didn’t want for our relationship to end, however, I did want it to strengthen. We didn’t end up going on a break, I chose to stick it out. April 2022, I had gotten pregnant and then ended up having a miscarriage the following day, I was upset about the loss of the baby but told him and myself that it all happened for a reason as we are not in a stable place. I had been having baby fever and wanted to start a family. As the months went on me and him would argue here and there (we got on most of the time) sometimes our arguments were very bad, where his mum would “advise” for us to break up. That use to make me upset as I we really loved each other. 2023, I found out my best friend was having a baby and as much as I was happy for her, I envied her as I had a miscarriage. I expressed to my bf how I felt and I had been having anxiety, he hugged me and reassured me that everything was ok and one day we will have our own little bundle. I appreciated his reassurance however I still felt sad deep down and couldn’t shake off the feeling, I started spending more time in the bedroom, whilst he would be in the living room as I didn’t want to be a Debbie downer around him. A few weeks later, I was informed by my manager that I may be at risk of redundancy due to a restructure at work, that had made me panic as myself and my partner go 50/50 on the bills and I was afraid that if I had lost my job there would be a lot of stress on him. I was stressed I was feeling overwhelmed, I had suggest to my partner again that we should go on a break, I reassured him that I loved him, however I’ve been feeling overwhelmed as of late and I’ve been feeling like I need space to get my head in order. Once again he declined and said he doesn’t do breaks. I felt stuck, I felt stifled.

    I had started talking to an (male) old friend and had started sharing what I had been going through. At first I thought it was innocent as we weren’t flirting, I was talking to him like a male friend and seeking advice. After a while we had started to communicate a lot behind my partners back, I should’ve known that it was wrong especially if I were communicating secretly behind my bfs back. Myself and the old friend had met up for drinks after work and it was innocent (even though I was paranoid and I felt like I was doing something wrong), we spoke we laughed and I had went home. My bf didn’t question my where about a as he trusted me 100%. The following week I had met up with the old friend again, he had invited me to an event, we drank, danced we turned up. As the night came to an end, we went sat in his car and was chilling and talking and then that’s when and where it happened. We ended up having sex. I immediately felt guilty and ashamed. I had sullied my relationship. I went back home, I had gotten in at 7 or 8am, I slid into the bed. I could feel that my bf was awake and I could that his energy wasn’t right like he knew I had done something wrong. (Bare in mind, many times before I had come home at 6am or 7am from partying and he knew and believed I was at a party) I couldn’t sleep, I blocked and deleted “old friends” from every social platform, I wanted nothing to do with him. Later on that day, myself and my partner had a few errands to run and events to attend. Whilst we were out, I had told him I need to run into boots to grab some feminine products, whilst he sat into the car, I grabbed the feminine products and also went to grab the Morning after pill (eve though I used protection,) I was paranoid that maybe the condom broke. I had taken the pill and had put the packet in my pocket and was planning to discard it on the way out because I was rushing back to my partners car it had slipped my mind. For the rest of the day, I had been quiet and ridden with guilt and wasn’t able to enjoy our time out together. The following day, my bf had beeen cleaning up and was folding my jeans and the morning after pill packet had fallen out of my pocket. He researched what “Ella One” was and saw it was an emergency contraceptive to prevent pregnancy. He had placed the packet next to me on the bed whilst I was sleeping, I had woken up to the packet and was totally confused. I went into the living room to gauge his emotion. He was quite nonchalant, he asked me about the morning after pill, I panicked and I tried to lie and tell him that it was an old packet, he didn’t believe me and told me that he believes I had purchased the packet yesterday when I went to go and buy my feminine products, I had denied it. He requested to see my bank transaction and I couldn’t lie any more. I admitted it. I admitted that I had cheated on him. He calmly told me that it was over and I needed pack up my things and leave. I cried and I apologised, I was upset because I knew I hurt him. I knew I betrayed him. He helped me pack up all my items into the car and he told me to come and get the rest later. I sat in my car and cried so hard. As I never meant to hurt him and it was all a mistake. I tried to call him to apologise, he said he’s not angry, but he warned me from the beginning that cheating is a deal breaker for him and there will never be a chance in HELL that he would take me back. He hung up and blocked me on all social platforms. I spoke to my sister and told her what happened, she said that she has a place for me to stay as one of her tenants has moved out of the property. The apartment felt empty and I had felt lonely. I missed him. The following day, I went to collect the last bit of my items from his house, as I was driving home he had called me crying asking how could I destroy our relationship. I cried and apologised over and over begging for his forgiveness. That first week of work was very tough for me as I was use to texting him throughout the day, talking at lunch and coming back from work to surprise him with treats, or snacks and cooking for him after work. I enjoyed catering to him and being his gf. The next week, I had called him and expressed that I miss him and I missed doing all the little things for him. We decided to meet up and go out to eat and talk. He told me that we weren’t going to get back together as I knew this was a dealbreaker for him as his ex had also cheated on him. I was disappointed but still chose to try and make it work. The next 2 months in the summer, we hung out, there were times when I stayed at him house, occasionally we had sex, and then one day he told me we can’t hang out no more and he wants to move on. He blocked me. I was devastated. I was hoping that I could regain his trust again. I love him so much and I would love to work on trying to get him back. Please advise on the course of action I would need to take

    1. Sarah

      I sense a certain lack of self-respect here as you seem to take what men offer you instead of setting your own standards and sticking to them. You forgave your boyfriend’s appalling behaviour (beating you up) which should have been a massive reg flag. You were swayed by an old friend into having sex with him. But what do YOU want? Don’t allow your life to be defined by the men in it.

  2. Kerry

    I had been talking to an ex of mine because he was helping me pay some of my school fees but we weren’t dating and my boyfriend found out, said I cheated on him and left me. There were instances where I said that I love my ex and asked him for emotional support…not sure why I did that but I genuinely have no feelings for him romantically. I just figured I’d be nice to him since he was helping me
    It’s been a few days now and I’m sincerely sorry about it
    I would really like a second chance with him. Please advise on how to go about getting my boyfriend back?

    1. Sarah

      Try explaining to your boyfriend why your ex boyfriend is paying your school fees.

  3. Zen

    My (ex) boyfriend and I were 14 months in our relationship — I cheated on him a month before our anniversary and he just found out about it last June. He broke up with me and contacted our counselor who told me that he’s still looking forward a group counseling with me and to find a ‘kiddle ground’ in our situation. It’s been 2 weeks since we broke up, although I’m not blocked on all social media, he sometimes messages me for favors like deleting things or photos. I want him back because I really love him and I’ve already cut off my contact with the other party. Recently, I’ve been feeling anxious because of the time and space we’re having right now. What should I do and do you think there’s still a chance for us to be back together? (We are our first boyfriends btw)

    1. Sarah

      If you are already seeing a counselor then presumably you already have problems in your relationship. If you have a child together then you must try to find some sort of modus vivendi and presumably the counselor wants to help with that.

  4. Marissa Amélie

    I cheated on my boyfriend by flirting to other men and he’s given me so many chances to stop and I didn’t. Well, I’d stop for a while, but he would mention it so much that I’d say F it and I’d cheat again. It’s been going on for months now and he got sick of it and left me. I am really devastated I just wanted more love from him and less of him complaining to me… Idk if this will work. All I know is I feel completely awful because he really was a good guy, and so loyal. And I lost him.

    1. Sarah

      Maybe it made him feel disrespected. But flirting is not cheating.

    2. Jewelle

      I’m going through the same issue. I don’t want more love from him though I just want another shot. Hopefully you’ll be back with him!

  5. Nineveh

    My bf (of 8.5yrs.) and I went LDR since last year Dec (2020) due to his work assignment, out of country for 1yr only. After 2months, we were quite rocky due to lack of communication. He’s kind of an introvert, so he says that there was nothing much to talk about and that he’s in the middle of nowhere so his everyday life is mundane. Then I got accustomed to us not communicating regularly, just every now and then checking up on him or whenever he felt like it. This led to some arguments along the way since I didn’t like how it was going between us. Last May (2021) I met with my lesbian friend, in short I got drunk and sex happened (tho i tried to resist but eventually gave in). I decided to be honest with my bf hoping he could understand. However, he decided to break up with me since (accdg. to him) I crossed the line: me being unfaithful and doing it with a lesbian. Now he doesn’t trust and has lost respect in me. How do I make him come back & accept me again? Is there still a chance?

    1. Sarah

      Use the no contact period to decide what you really want and for your ex to think about what he wants.

  6. Danny D.

    it is absolute BS that men cheat on women because of sex. It can be for EMOTIONAL reasons. I am so sick & tired of this stereotype. For one, to say that girls cheat for emotional reasons makes them less guilty when they are just as guilty.

    1. Sarah

      There are always exceptions to generalities.

  7. Angy

    Hi, my now ex boyfriend and I dated for a year plus, when I cheated on him I didn’t tell him. I told him half of the story a while later but found out the rest later. He forgave me and we were good for a long time then all of a sudden the thought of me cheating kept running in his head and his brother also told him I was likely to do it again. I was never going to cheat on him again cause I realised the consequences.
    My boyfriend broke up with me last week but we tried staying friends, we talk kinda and we are also trying to have some intimacy even though we aren’t in a relationship.
    I really do still want to be able to call him mine again because I love him so much and our relationship was magical
    Please advice me on how to get him back

    1. Sarah

      If you’re no longer in a relationship then why are you still ‘trying to have some intimacy’ with him? Do you want to be friends with benefits instead?

  8. Carmen

    My boyfriend broke up with me days ago because I cheated I really love him and it hurted me so much I never wanted to cheat on him and it just happened I want him back so badly not because I’m lonely because I do have deep feelings and love him like no other, this was my first ever that I cheated I told him what happened and no sex was involved and since the cheating I never did anything again ever

    1. Sarah

      So in what way did you cheat?

  9. Jesse

    What if your ex boyfriend caught you having flirtatious messages with the same guy twice ….not necessarily that you had sex but you were just talking to another guy. Now he calls you a cheat and ended things with you. What do I do to get him back in this situation?

    1. Sarah

      Follow the plan by doing no contact. And be ready to explain why you were flirting with another guy when you were supposed to be with him.

  10. Justin

    My boyfriend and I were together for a year. We went on a break because he had a lot going on in his life and had a recent passing in his family. He said we could try again after while. Weeks passed and i was convinced he cheated or moved on so i ended up talking to one of my exes and had a fling over the phone, not in an emotional way, mostly just sexual. I didn’t like him but i thought my most recent boyfriend cheated and I had to move on. He eventually found out about it and when i reached out to him he was cold and angry towards me saying he knew. Cheating is something he hates and is a huge no for him, but i thought he did it to me and mentioned we were broken up. He won’t talk to me now and is angry. Is there a chance I can show him he can trust me and that we can make it work in the future? Do you think he’ll forgive me and come back?

    1. Sarah

      Don’t let him get away with blaming you, as you say you had already broken up – at his wish, so he doesn’t have any right to be angry. But perhaps he’s using it as an excuse not to come back or to make a decision either way.

      1. Talia

        In April my ex told me we were talking but not in a relationship and he told me talking and being in a relationship means the same thing and I didn’t know that and he wasn’t giving me much attention and I felt lonely and he would go 2 or 3 days without talking to me so I talked to my ex behind his back a second time and sent him nudes a month ago and my ex went through my phone and saw and he told me we’re done. I was so upset and I cried and kept begging for another chance. He said he gave me plenty of chances and that I lose his trust. I made a mistake and really love him with all of my heart and he’s my first love and I want him back. He’s still mad at me. I don’t know what to do if I should just give him time and not talk to him for a while but I’m afraid if I do that he will move on and find another girls.

        1. Talia

          we were dating for almost a year and he took my virginity and he’s my first for a lot of things and we’ve gotten into plenty of arguments and had our ups and downs and now he’s mad and not even talking to me and I want him back I made a mistake

          1. Sarah

            So did he when he started playing games with you.

        2. Sarah

          He was the one playing games, splitting hairs about ‘talking’ and ‘being in a relationship’. If you were no longer ‘in a relationship’, which was the situation according to him, then you were free to do whatever you liked.

  11. Tara

    I broke up with my ex because I Cheated on him with another guy for financial reasons.. My ex found out and broke up with me.. At first he said I has nothing to do with me. He was angry and bitter on me but later on changed his mind and said we can be friends .. We remained friends for about 3 weeks i stopped begging him to take me back.. One occasion I went to his home town and he offered I could sleep over.. He was all nice and we ended up having sex. We still remained in touch but just as friends no emotions attached.he was being nice though and could initiate conversations if I ddnt. . I then decided to call the friendship off because I fell I was emotionally unstable I was not comfortable with the friendship Al I wanted was for him to become my boyfriend.. I told him we can’t be friends anymore. He ddnt even bother asking why.. He just agreed and told me to do whatever I want.. Do I still stand a chance to have him back after some time.. Did I do the right thing by cutting off the friendship or I should have remained friends with him and see where things could go

    1. Sarah

      Yes, it would probably be better not to try to be friends in the circumstances. Give your ex some time alone and maybe he will miss you.

      1. Cherry

        My boyfriend broke up with me after finding out I unintentionally had sex with another guy…
        He says he still loves me a lot but can’t trust ma again. He says we can never be as happy as we were before even if we got back together…
        I really love him and I need him back… How can I convince him that if give it a try our relationship can work again?? The problem is that he has given up and doesn’t even want to try mending things

        1. Sarah

          How do you ‘unintentionally’ have sex with someone?

          If a man tries to pressure you into having sex with him, say no. It’s your choice, not his. And any man who would do that is not worth any woman’s time.

          1. Cherry

            He locked up the door when I went by his place…..
            I need my boyfriend back what advice would you give me?

            1. Sarah

              Don’t go by his place. And don’t have sex ‘unintentionally’ in future.

        2. Leyaaa

          Hello.. same thing happened to me too.. I want to know how you fixed this ? Did you move on?
          I cheated on my boyfriend and I really do love him and I want him back.. I know he loves me too but he said he hates me now and he called me with bad words he even hit me but I was there begging him to forgive me.

          1. Sarah

            If a man ever hits you, walk away. Permanently.

  12. Shanaz shahilan

    Hi, me and my boyfriend were having a long distance relashionship about 1 year and 3 month. Its a kind of a proposal but we have not meet each others yet. We were planing to get married i submited all my documents to thé embassy now it under prograsse. I love him the most and he loved me a lot. But i cheated on him. That i was drunk i have slept with a guy but that i coudnt remember next day the guy said that he had sex with me. He was my cousins friend. After 4 mothns again we met he said he love me he Really cared for me.i fall in love with him but still i love my guy the most. He was my whole future. Other guy knew i have a guy to get married. He acted me he is a good person but he was not. Inside my heart suffering because i cheated on my boyfriend. After i told him the trueth but he blocked me the other guy is revenge from me now he is sending are old pictures to my boyfriend everyday. But i know still my boyfriend loves me. But he doestn want me back. I want him i love him a lot i will waiting for him whole my life. What can i do for get him back. He is my angel. Now its almost 20 days we were not talking. Please help me.

    1. Sarah

      Why would you be talking about marriage with someone you haven’t even met? The fact that you eventually preferred a real person, no matter how disappointing, shows how unsatisfactory such a one dimensional relationship is.

  13. Nataly

    Hello, my ex-boyfriend and I were in an LDR and due to the pandemic, we couldn’t meet all the year. I went on one week holiday, I missed the contact, I was super drunk and I cheated on him with a man, for me it was just sex, I do not really like the other man. It was a one-night stand. I cut the contact with him. I told my boyfriend three days after, he told me if I promise not to do it again we would forgive me. One month after I asked him if we were serious about our relationship and he said he wanted to figure out with the time. I got crazy and I was mad. Then, I realized it was not proper to do after what I did. He told me he was very hurt still and he didn’t want to continue in our relationship. he broke up with me. I tried to talk and fix things for one day, he was sure about his no. So I decided to let him alone to heal and maybe miss me. It’s hard, but I hope it works. I wish to know what can I do to get him back after 30 days of not contacting him.

    1. Sarah

      Sometimes honesty might not be the best policy. Getting drunk is dangerous as it makes people do all sorts of things they would never do sober, and about which they feel mortified when they sober up. Some will say that deeds done in drink ought not to held against you, and there is certainly something to be said for that in this kind of situation. But if you are a naturally decent and honest person you will not find deceit easy to live with either.

      To find out more about getting your ex back go here for some ideas to help you.

      1. Shan

        Hi. My child’s father and i have been together for 4years… we dont live together i just visit because of the pandemic i dont bring our child on d road if hes unable to come for us. The 6.12.2020 we decided to visit my dad we then left and went to his house while i was asleep he went through my phone i was having meaningful sexually conversations with men he read everything. We had sex before i left now hes ignoring me dont answer my calls or message 😭. I dont what to do

        1. Sarah

          Why were you having these conversations? Was it because you genuinely enjoy them, or because you are unhappy with your relationship? If you want a plan for getting him back, go here.

  14. Leila

    Hi so me and my boyfriend were in a long distance relationship for about 6 months because of this whole pandemic we have not been able to meet up thinking about what I did now I was very stupid so around august I met someone that I thought I really liked and we went out together one time after that time we went out I thought I really liked him and I wanted to be with him so I broke up with my boyfriend and went for the other guy turns out the other guy didnt want anything to do with me after a few more weeks up chatting and im completely devastated because I realize now what I did was so stupid I really ms my ex boyfriend and I have tried to contact him but he just keeps telling me that its meaningliss to talk to me now after what I did to him please help how can I get him back

    1. Sarah

      Give him some space. To him it must look as if you only want him back because you’re no longer with the other guy. Use the time to decide whether he really is the one for you and if he is then the Ex Boyfriend Guide will help you to get him back.

  15. Sarah Joe

    My now ex & myself have been in a relationship for 2 years but friends for 10 years now, we have been through a lot of ups & downs and I am the only person he has ever opened up to a 100%, he knows me a 100% as well and we always supported each other in everything. Emotionally I am in a very low place because we had to abort our child because we were not ready to have a baby financially as he was still doing his degree and mine was a contract job, we did not have a house yet as well.

    Then one day he just came and lost feelings for me, I cried and begged him and told him I can’t be with anyone else except him that I will always love him only. He said he is emotionally numb as he has too many things on his plate and the “fire” has died down. He was unsure if he could love me again or if he would find someone else. I was very broke for a month but we remained in touch as friends. I was hurt & angry, was not thinking so when a guy friend of mine was flirting with me over text I reciprocate but I had no intentions to take it further or even meet in person, I just like that attention for those 3 days then I stopped texting.

    My ex boyfriend saw the texts and became very upset & angry that I did this to him. He wanted to do some soul searching, complete his degree and find a job so that we can be happy, saying he knew he could never find anyone who loved him as much as I did and kept me very high up on a pedestal saying I would never ever hurt him like the others. His previous ex girlfriend cheated on him so this flirting via text by me broke his trust & he views it as betrayal, that I cheated his feelings or the image he had of me.

    Now he feels that the 2 years he spent with me is all a waste, doesn’t think he can ever trust me again & feels that it is a gamble for him if he wants to let me in and be his girlfriend because how sure can he be that I would not do this. But during our relationship we never had such issues, always trusted each other 100% but because our breakup did not have solid reason except for him losing feelings, he felt that what I did is still betrayal.

    Now I don’t know what to do, I love him & only him and I feel very dumb for throwing away my chances with him like this for some cheap attention. Will I be able to gain back his trust & make him love me again? Do we have any chances of getting back together?

    1. Sarah

      How about your trust? He tells you he doesn’t love you anymore and talks about finding someone else. You exchange a few texts and he has a meltdown. It sounds like a case of I’ll do as I like but you’ll do as I want.

  16. Erica

    I have cheated with my bf (now my ex ) 2 years ago. That guy and i now were 1nhalf year in a relationship but it seems that now i realized that I really love my ex. I regret what ive done to him. May be youre goin to ask why my relationship with that guy took so long. I just need to do that to prove my ex that i can stand with my decision. But now i broke up with that guy. I found out that my ex is already had a gf. And now here, im planning to have a good future for my ex to come back. I really want him back. What to do?

    1. Sarah

      Sounds as if you might be suffering from the grass is greener syndrome. Have a look at this article to help you review your decision to break up and this article to see if getting you ex back really is the right thing for you.

  17. May

    My ex-boyfriend and I were kinda new. We were about almost a month in but he basically lived with me. He slept over a lot. We showered, woke up together, ate out, ate at my brothers for dinner. During his one week break from school, he stayed at my place the whole week. Until the last day. The night before we broke up, I had gone to my friends ( a girl) place to drink with her. My ex had thought he had school the next day (meaning he has to get up at 5:30 and leave by 6 in the morning) and so I thought I could just sleep there and so I did. When I had woken up I saw he had texted me twice to say he didn’t actually have school and that he’s gonna go home for the day. Of course the clingy girlfriend I am asked him to come back and he did. I went in the bathroom and saw the hickey that my friend had given me. (I am bi but only sexually and when I’m drunk. Ive never done anything with my friend other than kissing for like 5 seconds. Ive never done anything with another girl other than kissing. and I’ve only kissed two girls.) And when my ex and I went to Goodwill with my brothers he saw the barely noticeable hickey that I had discovered hours ago and had completely forgotten about and that’s when everything went downhill. Ive never cheated in my whole life. I honestly think it’s disgusting and I know how it feels to be cheated on. My ex took me right out of my hoe-stage. He was the one good guy that I was willing to drop every guy that I was talking to and he was the one that finally got me in a relationship after my first love failed one over a year ago. I know it was my fault for even letting it happen. I realize my mistake. I know what I did wrong. He said it was cheating. Of course, I genuinely thought it wasn’t and that was why I had even let it happen in the first place.But is it cheating? Other people say it’s not and others say it is. I practically begged him to not go but he said he didn’t want to stay and that it’d be toxic if he’s always doubting me and questioning. What do I do? We haven’t spoken in 4 days. I want him back. I really do. Also him and I think differently about some things but I’ve never said anything whenever he says something I disagree with; mostly its got to do with politics, religion, etc. And he is a little on the sensitive side. which for me isn’t a bad thing but my brothers think he’s a little immature.

    1. May

      Part 2:
      I had also told him the truth when he asked where I got it from. And also I had shown him one of the text messages from one of my old hookups when he asked me to “chill” I turned him down because I was in a relationship, and he got cocky and said “and?” and I told him that I was loyal. Then the night I went out with my friend he had texted me again and I had to remind him that I wasn’t cheater. and he never replied back. I had sent this screenshot to my boyfriend when we were arguing hoping that it’ll prove that I’m not a cheater. But I think it made it worse because then he got mad about the other guys (my FRIENDS) and saying they only want p**** from me and said “why are you even entertaining them when they ask you to hookup and I just basically said “I can’t tell them that I’m in a relationship?”. Do you think I shouldn’t have sent him that screenshot?

      1. Sarah

        Know yourself, have your own standards and stick to them. Some boys (not all) will try some pretty unpleasant tricks just to get sex.

    2. Sarah

      Your brother thinks he is immature; but since you are apparently still at school that is a given. You are learning about relationships, this is one more step on your journey.

  18. Dfemme

    We’re both drunk and I was rushed into the hospital because my friend accidentally pushed me into the glass. While we were in the ER, Doctor was stitching my arm, he opened my messenger and caught me and my friend’s convo that I was getting paid for sex for self-support. But that was before us, because we are living together. My friend keeps on chatting me things to go the customer, I’ll reply yes but I don’t mean what I reply because I am with him, but he doesn’t accept any of my explanations then I stopped. He left our apartment and told my parents about it. I also left the apartment to show him that I really changed. I cut off my friend who keeps on selling me, blocked her. I changed my ways and took seriously my small business. Once he said that I should go over, I did, first I explained and he was hesitant to listen, but when I stopped and turned around he hugged me and then I started crying and talking and he just listened. After that, he keeps on asking for his things, I brought it all to their house and stayed 2 nights. I did all my best to show him that I’ve changed, his responses are minimal but we haven’t talked about the issue, we hug, we do sex, but still we don’t conversate well. Until I left at their house, I didn’t chat or text him anymore, I think my effort is enough. He didn’t reached out too after that.

    1. Sarah

      Go on concentrating on your business – that’s good and positive and will be the bedrock on which you can build new life. The ‘friend’ who keeps selling you is not a friend, so do everything you can to cut her out of your life completely. The best way to show anyone that you have changed is to live that change.

  19. Tori

    Myself and my man have known each other for years but he was in a relationship when I knew him. He expressed interest in me while he was in a relationship but never acted on anything until he broke up with his ex, And I broke up with mine and we started dating. I was in long distance with my ex and I cheated once but I always knew I wanted to break up with him but had to wait until I flew home to do it and my man knows all my past I was very truthful about it. My current man had to move to New York for a job and we have been doing long distance and I wanted to make us work so much I was going moving over to him.I love him very much! I got wasted one night and I slept with his friend (who I used to get with) I regretted it so much in the morning I can’t even remember most of it I just remember a flash back of it. I told my man straight away and flew over to him on the next flight. He was so mad and the relationship is over , I honestly thought he was the one he made me realize that I never loved anyone else we were literally perfect and i have no idea how I could do that. I don’t like his friend he is such a dick and I even told him not to go near me again and I won’t go near him and we won’t ever talk. I hurt my man so much I know that, I apologize so many times I just want him back! He is off now on dates and seeing girls and it kills me! He still wants to stay in contact now and again because we tried the no contact but that didn’t last 2 hours! I don’t know what to do I’m not dating anyone and I have no interest to do so but I know he is actively dating. He said that if he can trust me again that maybe we can get back but he can’t see that happening anytime soon. If I completely cut him off will he miss me enough to come back or just forget about me and he is living a good life and will move on fast or if I stay in contact like before will the memory of me cheating slowly fade away?

    1. Sarah

      He might come back. he might not. But endlessly apologizing and begging for another chance won’t help you (have a look at this article to learn more). You would do better to practice no contact for a while to give things time to cool down. You have admitted your mistake (and not waited for him to find out through other means) which is all you can do for now. The fact that he is dating other women doesn’t mean that he is happy; and as he wants to stay in contact he can’t have decided yet that there is no chance of a reconciliation. Give him some space to think things over.

  20. Kareena Gurung

    I cheated on my boyfriend and I told him the truth instead of hiding it. I was double dating as I had come under the influence of a girl who used to play with boys. I was not that serious with my boyfriend at the starting of the relationship bcoz I had learned that he was a drug addict. I was really hurt and shocked and at the same time I met this girl . She used to be my close frnd. She told me to try double dating and I did bcoz I had mixed up feelings. So one boy who I was frnds with proposed me and I accepted his proposal. We just kissed once and I then thought that wat I’m doing is a terrible mistake … then I broke up with him and starting loving my man. I had fallen in love with him. I had never met a man like him in my life and now I have told him that I was double dating.
    He said that he wants to break up and never talk to me … but if I need his help in the future, he will always be one call away.
    I don’t want to leave him. I have fallen in love with him. I’m not able to handle myself. I have had already a breakup and was not able to control myself. I even tried to suicide bcoz of the unending pain inside me. Plz help me. I just can’t lose my man. I love him the most. I need him. I just can’t live without him at himself. I have never pictured myself without him. Its going to be 2 years of our relationship. And I have deeply fallen in love with him. How can I gain his trust. He is not ready to trust me and accept me.

    1. Sarah

      If you have attempted suicide you should seek professional help; and if your boyfriend is still using drugs, so should he.

  21. Dominika

    I cheated on my boyfriend a week ago. I was on a house party that was far away from my boyfriend. He knew I am going there and he told me he trusts me that nothing will happen. I wasnt even planning anything to hurt him. I was there with my friends and we drank alcohol. I knew I didnt want to get drunk a lot so I tried to not drink as much as my friends did. I went to catch some fresh air when I felt that Im getting drunk. But when I went back from outside someone gave me a lot of vodka and a little bit of juice and wanted to get me drunk. And I really get into the spot when I cant remember anything after that. I realized myself in the morning in the bathroom that was locked and I was there naked with my guy friend. Since that moment I started to cry because I realized what happened. I dont remember anything and I feel so bad for that. That guy ran away. He knew that I am in the nice relationship for 4,5 years. He also lied to me and after that I realized he is dating a girl for 9 months. But that was not that important for me. I went back home as soon as possible to tell my boyfriend what happend, because I didnt want to lie to him or anything like that. I had name day that day so he was waiting for me with a rose. When I told him, it broke his heart. Since then he is not talking to me. First I spammed him with messages and tried to call him several times. Now I know he needs to take some time to heal. I really care about him and I truly love him. We built a really nice relationship and we were so proud of it. I would love to prove him that he can trust me again and I would love to get him back. I feel really bad for that. I never wanted to be a cheater…

    1. Sarah

      Having sex with someone to which you did not consent because you were too drunk to do so is not cheating, it’s rape.

      Do you know who set out to get you drunk? Was the man with whom you had sex? Unfortunately situations like this are far from uncommon, and because neither intent or consent are easy to prove they rarely end up in court. But why isn’t your boyfriend angrier with whoever make you drunk than he is with you? You are the one who has been violated, not him. I think you should stop blaming yourself so much and start being angrier with the men around you, who don’t seem to regard women with much respect. Your boyfriend should be your champion, not your judge. Try telling him so.

  22. Brittany

    So I guess I cheated on my boyfriend actually I think is considered cheating. I was flirting with a guy on the internet who was suppose to work on my house; to be honest I feel like this guy forced himself on me by writin questions and saying “why are you ignoring me”. I had boyfriend, and I should of blocked the other guy but I didn’t. I had no feelings for this stranger but he kept asking me out; “I said I bet you want us to pull down our pants and have sex by your lake house”. And he said “ok never mind this going no where” … so then later on I started complaining about my boyfriend and how he is so cheap and has lots of money and is a mamas boy but I also said that I really love him though. Then the other guy send my ex-boyfriend screenshots and that’s when he knocked on my door and cried and said “we are done why would you do this to me, you’ve completely lost my trust. And I really do care for my ex and I really want him back but he said no there’s no trust anymore. And I apologized to him and wrote him a huge love apology letter. He did like it but only wants to be friends. I’m depressed and I cried for 3 days in my bed. How do I get him back?? Please please help!!!!!

    1. Sarah

      If you ‘really loved’ your boyfriend, why were you thinking about some man on the internet you haven’t even met?

      Your problem seems to be one self-esteem more than anything else: you value yourself only as much as men do. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t put up with what you admit is an unsatisfactory relationship, and suggest pulling your pants down to a man you don’t know. Try to ween yourself off depending on men for making you feel good, and learn how to respect yourself. And please stop thinking that it’s all about sex. Using sex to attract men is the easiest thing in the world, and the worst possible thing for your own confidence and happiness. Have your own identity. Have standards. And keep the sex talk for when you’re in a relationship.

  23. Emilía reynisdottir

    I cheat on my boyfriend with 2 guys and we where outside and we where very drunk and we sit down on the grass and we where just looking at the sun and then they kissed me just like mommy kiss and I didn’t tell my boyfriend but I did tell my best friend and then after like one week me and my boyfriend where in a argument and I called my ex and I told him that a miss him not like that I did just miss him on a friendly way and after that did my best friend told her other friend who is not my friend anymore because she is dramatic bitch and she have always be jealous at me and she told my boyfriend and He got very very angry that I get I get it and now is he bailing on me but we met and we talked earlier and he cried and i cried to and he was hugging me and then we got into his home and I hope we are just really good friend like just best friend but I don’t want do be just friend and he knows it but he says I want to be with you but I can’t trust you anymore and we are going to work it out I hope so we are just going to talk about it tomorrow and I really hope that we can be together again:/

    1. Sarah

      You sound like a child. Probably a dozen more chapters have been added to this saga by now.

  24. unnati

    i cheated in him bcoz he was always angry on me he loved me very much but never showed me i was in a sex conversation with one of my very good frnd and my bf read it on my insta after 3 days he toold me now i dont know what to do i am afraid of lossing him he has always helped me i just wish everthing gets okh

    1. Sarah

      Why was he always angry? There’s little happiness to be found with such a person as you have clearly discovered. You say he has ‘always helped you’: well, perhaps it’s time to find help elsewhere. Perhaps it’s time to help yourself.

      1. unnati

        i dont know what to do just want him back cant live without him i luv him very much and so him he is sort of that nature only that is loose temper easily pls i beg u to help mee i want him back i cant live without him

        1. unnati

          if i am texteing him he is seeing and just leaving i kno it was my mistake and i wont do it again he is giving my replies by posting stories on instsa

          1. unnati

            i mean i ll not repeate pls help i beg of u

            1. Sarah

              I’m afraid no-one can make your ex a better person. But time and reflection can bring you to see it.

          2. Sarah

            That is not a nice thing to do. Don’t be so ready to take the blame for everything.

        2. Sarah

          Then he needs to learn some self-control for the sake of the people he lives with.

          1. unnati

            i got my boy back today thank god he has forgiven mee i am happy for us

            1. Sarah

              I am happy for you. Good luck!

              1. unnati

                thank uh

  25. Menuka ghimire

    I cheated on my boyfriend because one night I went for clubbing and I didn’t told him that time I got too much drunk and one my friends brother who worked as a bartender at that bar came to drop me at my home I was so drunk that I dont remember anything tomorrow morning I came to know that I had sex with him and saw him next to me..I didn’t told my boyfriend that time but after 4 days he came to know by one of his friend and that time I confess him and he did broke up with me…I love him so much I want him back I really regret about that incident please help me with this?

    1. Sarah

      Learn a lesson from this and never get so drunk again: it never ends well. However the price most people pay is cringing embarrassment at the memory; unfortunately you are paying a higher price. Take responsibility for your actions by telling your ex you are truly sorry for all the hurt caused but that you accept it is over between you. You can’t force someone to forgive you, but at least you can regain a little self-respect and perhaps get him to see in a better light too.

      Try reading this article for some insights into forgiving a cheater.

  26. Uneza Maqbool

    I cheated on my boyfriend. 1.5 years back, we were two different people, I was immature and too extrovert, He is a introvert man with strong values and belief, emotional connection was missing in our relationship as he was so busy with work, even he tried his best to give me as much time he could. I messed up big time, I met a guy he used to hear me out, understand things but that was just one part of the expectation that I was getting from him, slowly slowly this guy start manipulating me and finally I cheated on my bf, my bf used to tell me he is very manipulative don’t talk to him, I never listen to him, one fine day my bf got the entire 2 years of chat on his whats app through one girl and he got devastated, I saw him crying like anything, He never slept with me, we were saving for marriage and I messed up big time, even though there are problem in our relationship but I realised after 1.5 year that all relationship are not perfect and it takes time to build it and. I was happy with him, even he started understanding me emotionally and then this chat destroyed everything, he blocked me from everywhere and he don’t want to see my face. I love him so much, we both invested 3 years in this relationship and he forget all the time we invest in each other
    Note- he is very religious and having sex with someone is zina

    1. Sarah

      “…emotional connection was missing in our relationship…”

      At the beginning of any relationship based on love, emotional connection should be the last thing that is missing. Which leads me to ask, what was the motivation for you to be together?

      Emotional connection can certainly take a battering over time, but evidently for you it was never there. And everything you say suggests that you let this man set all the rules for your relationship. That is not a situation that is likely to lead to either happiness or fulfilment for you. What about your opinions, your views, your needs? You also say that there were problems in the relationship. All in all, it’s very hard to see why you should want to hold on to it when it has brought you so little. And should you try to rebuild it, what would the future really be like? You say this man is very religious and that “having sex with someone is zina”: do you really think he will ever forgive you? Don’t you think it’s possible that every time you do something even slightly wrong, this will be dragged back up and thrown in your face again?

      A good relationship should bring joy. Stop seeing yourself through this man’s eyes and start using your own. You are not a bad person, and you have the right to look for happiness. Think very carefully about whether you could ever find it with him.

      1. Uneza maqbool

        You are right, we both are different personality but love for each other is equal, I know the circumstances of living with orthodox family because I am also from one of them, I feel bad that I made him suffer like anything, I love him a lot and even if I get getting him back in my life , I have no idea things was going to be same or different. My mind is not working

        1. Sarah

          Was he making you happy, even before this happened? It didn’t sound like it. If your relationship didn’t begin with happiness, it’s most unlikely to come later.

  27. Christina

    I cheated on my boyfriend last summer. We were together for almost 2 years which most of it was long distance. I called him and told him that I cheated on him and we broke up. Then I went into a relationship with the other guy, but he was very manipulative and we broke up about six months later. Another month passed and I texted my ex that I want to talk to him over the phone and told him how sorry I was for cheating. I also asked him if we wants to go out sometime, but he told me he can’t put himself through that and that he only wants to have sex with me because some emotions don’t go away. At first I said no, but then I agreed because I really wanted to see him. Since then I go to his place whenever I can and have sex with him. In person he is really sweet and caring, but through texts he’s hot and cold. I want him back but I don’t know what to do. If you could help me I would be really greatfull

    1. Christina

      He also told me at the beginning he can never forgive me for that.

      1. Sarah

        Yes, men usually say that. And they frequently mean it too. This article might help you with some ideas.

    2. Sarah

      If you want him back, don’t sleep with him. Only have sex when he is willing to commit to you again, otherwise you have simply become a friend with benefits. And once you have become a man’s FWB, the chances of you ever becoming his girlfriend are virtually zero. Try looking here for how to be friends without benefits.

  28. Juan Rodriguez

    I HATE the excuse that women are given that they cheat for EMOTIONAL reasons. For two reasons: 1) It inherently places the blame for the affair on the man. That if he didn’t hide his feelings, that if he only listened to her more often, etc., she wouldn’t have cheated. Whereas the reasons why men cheat are ALWAYS depicted as being more superficial 2) It ignores the truthful fact that cheating ALWAYS happens due to a moral or ethical flaw, and yes, this even includes a partner getting drunk and putting themselves in a position where they can be taken advantage of. You just do not cheat, EVER. Period. It is a CHOICE. Break up the relationship if you must. Also, good luck getting your boyfriend to forgive your cheating. I’ve had two women do it on me, and I told them when we committed that if they ever did it, I would never speak to them ever again. I walked right out in both cases. Never answered an email, text, flowers, nothing. Out of here. Zero second chances. Women, due to their evolutionally biological makeup as mothers, have a better capacity for forgiving. It is a necessity for being a good mom. Men hold grudges again people who have wronged them. Men already have raging testosterone in their system, and then they live in an American society that teaches them from their teenage years that he who has the most sex with the most girls wins. It takes a great deal of maturity for a male to commit to woman, so for a woman to cheat on him, it’s unforgivable. I also think this article doesn’t understand that as women enter the workforce more, they have greater access to men. Taller, stronger, more attractive men that their boyfriends who might be short and balding. They have unprecedented access to attractive men for affairs.

    1. Sarah

      You may dislike it, but that doesn’t make it untrue. And if you read the article properly you will see that I do make it quite clear that the chances of the woman being forgiven is low, which you obviously haven’t considered is an inequality between the sexes that acts against women, not men.

      It is certainly true that infidelity is a choice, but anyone as rigidly unforgiving as you sound on this issue might be equally harsh on other transgressions; which would not make for a happy or harmonious relationship of equals.

      1. William

        Men cheat for more than physical reasons, alot more than you know. I personally cheated on my partner when my grandmother died because the other woman actually listened to me. That woman created a safe space for me to express my feelings without that man up BS. I have known quite a few male friends, all cheated due to emotional reasons. Us men may “say” it was due to physical or drunk or whatever, typically its emotionally driven as well. Either way men will continue to fool their women into believing otherwise because when they try to open up and be emotional they get shut down. I have been in relationships where i treated the woman like an equal, it wasn’t as successful as the relationship where I just be the man and lead the relationship. Women don’t want men for emotion, they want them for support/resources. When we truly reach a point of equality women will look back and laugh at how silly they are to believe me are so emotionless, not driven by emotion at all. We are all emotionally driven creatures, its crazy to think otherwise. The things we tell ourselves to delude us from reality.

        1. Sarah

          Thank you for such an honest and intelligent post.

          It’s true that many women do look to men for leadership so I’m not surprised that you say those were your most successful relationships. But clearly they didn’t make YOU happy, so from your point of view they weren’t really successful at all, were they? The funny thing is that the way men try to sell relationship products to women is by telling them that this is how you can make a man ‘open up’! Clearly there’s a dichotomy here where neither men nor women are meeting the people who would make them happy. Why is this?

          I’m afraid I can’t give you a straight answer to that: probably no-one could. While the idea of The One is thankfully a myth, it’s founded on the truth that it’s not easy to meet someone you can truly click with, mentally, emotionally and sexually. That’s just a fact of life and we all have to live with it.

          As for the woman with whom you cheated on your girlfriend, did that lead to a real relationship with her, or not? And if not, why not? Where did that possibly for a relationship of equals fall down? Please try not to get into a place where you are laying all the blame on the women when a relationship fails, as that will never lead to happiness.

          1. Gift

            Guys I really need help I cuddled and kissed with my boyfriend s close friend at a party(my boyfriend wasn’t there) and the day after that i became honest with my boyfriend and he broke up with me I really love my boyfriend and regret what I did…now I really want to get back with him what can I do

            1. Sarah

              Avoid smooching other men, especially when it’s for no obvious reason.

  29. Iris

    I was in a long distance relationship with a married guy and it was so difficult because I felt like (or I was) just a side chick, knowing that he still has a wife who posted stuff about their “married life” on her social media, and he always went back to the apartment he shared with his wife. Although he repeatedly told me he hasn’t touched his wife for a while and that he was working on amicably going their separate ways, things didn’t seem to progress and I told him we were done. We didn’t talk for over a month, and I met someone else to get over him. Of course, this is never the way to get over someone because I was never over the married guy. He and I reconnected and started spending some time again (by then, my relationship with the rebound guy had ended), but one day he asked me if I had slept with anyone else before we reconnected. I told him the truth, and he got mad and left me. He finally explained to me over a text that he loved me, that his wife moved out that weekend, that they broke the news to her family, and that he found a job where he and I could finally be together, but he feels like an idiot for doing all this because of what I did. I told him why I did what I did and asked him for a second chance. He then told me if I want to show him that he ever mattered anything to me, to never contact him again. I haven’t contacted him since because I want to show him that I truly care about him, but I’m scared to ever contact him now. Should I still contact him after the “no contact” period even though he told me not to, or should I work on getting over him?

    Thank you for reading this long story.

    1. Sarah

      “…he repeatedly told me he hasn’t touched his wife for a while…” – this is standard issue for men having affairs, and should always be treated with extreme skepticism.

      “…he was working on amicably going their separate ways, [but] things didn’t seem to progress…” – also standard issue, etc.

      “…but one day he asked me if I had slept with anyone else before we reconnected. I told him the truth, and he got mad and left me”. This is frankly outrageous. A man who is not offering exclusivity has ABSOLUTELY NO right to ask, let alone expect it.

      I would also be skeptical of his claim to have ended his marriage that very weekend (what a coincidence) together with his request never to contact him again. The two hardly go happily together: however it’s a very good suggestion.

      The brutal truth is that men who have affairs don’t often leave their wives unless the wife herself boots them out. They much prefer having their cake and eating it. And even when given the boot, they often don’t end up with the mistress, but with someone else altogether. Take this man at face value and don’t contact him again. Make him prove he’s sincere by forcing to come after you, but don’t expect him to, because he probably won’t. And never get involved again with a man who isn’t free, because you will lose every time.

  30. Anj

    I cheated on my boyfriend of a year and half relationship with a guy I met at work. In the span of our relationship, we’ve only spent time for a month in total. We are in a long distance relationship. He’s in the forces. And so physical touch was lacking very often. A guy at work seemed to like me and things went deeply as I expected. I was craving for that physical connection not necessarily in bed but the “I’m here for you” hugs. We have a very big time difference between us and now I just don’t know how to fix this. Currently, we’re still communicating but the sweetness and romance is gone and its like I’m talking to a complete stranger. But I refuse to give up on him. We’re both in a depressed state. What do you think I should do?

    1. Sarah

      Did you and you ex have any firm plans for the future, or were you just drifting from meeting to meeting?

      If you have spent no more than a month together, then you are still little more than acquaintances. Think about this, and about why you have settled for such an unsatisfactory relationship. Do you prefer distance for some reason? If not you would be unwise let an unsatisfactory long-distance relationship drift on indefinitely.

    2. Will

      Just let him go, you cheated and his is a stranger to you now, Move on. As a veteran myself I wouldn’t forgive you. If you had been an adult and told your man you were lacking physically and modified the agreement of your relationship, you wouldn’t be in this situation. Next time if you are in a relationship that will have a period of long distance, open your relationship. Clearly you need physical touch, someone there to comfort you and you aren’t capable of surpressing that desire. Don’t deny yourself, accept reality. Most men if you show them how important they are and how much they matter to you, can accept a things such as you being sexual with another man. When a woman gets a man to be exclusive and then cheats, pretty much no coming back. Most women are the ones who end up getting men to settle down anyway. When men cheat it’s supposedly physical, just their desires and lust consuming them, not true, its also due to lacking something emotionally. Cheating hurts for both people, men are simply less willing to forgive. When men put in most of the work to get a relationship off the ground, they give up other female options for exclusivity with you and you cheat its a massive blow. Through female privilege women have many more options of mates. When a man sacrifices his other options for you and you cheat its over. So to finish, if you end up with another man in the service communicate these details before you get serious. Tell him you can’t go long periods without male physical support and you don’t want to cheat yet you have needs. Speak up, take some ownership if you as a woman want to get this world any bit closer to being equal between sexes. Women have to be real and take ownership.

      1. Sarah

        It’s good to have the male view on this issue; especially one with useful advice and insight. However I would take issue with “Through female privilege women have many more options of mates.” While this can be true when women are young and the men of a similar age are still callow and immature, I don’t think you appreciate the advantage men have over the longer term. With time men’s options often increase while women’s decrease, so try not to begrudge women their time in the sun.

  31. Aaliyah

    I cheated on my boyfriend of a year and a half relationship. At the time of the incident we lived together, even have a pet cat. I had just turned 21 and started going to the bars without him due to him being only 20. After it happen things got really crazy he got super depressed and obsessive(wanting to know every detail)then going crazy in our apartment and ruining all my things and hacking my social media to post bad things on my feed, while I became scared and distant during it all . At first I told him let create some distance making him move out and making us stay friends. When he was gone I continued to go to the bars to socialize not too hook up and realized how much I hated him not being in my life and how I miss my best friend the one person who seen the good the bad and still loved me. Since the move out he told me multiple times he wanted to try things again and that he loved me but I was scared because of all the damage that had happened before and seeing him become crazy. About 2 or so weeks ago he started talking to another girl I’m ashamed to say this but I got extremely jealous 😔even though I have no right too be he deserves to be happy and ever since then I have been trying to get him back .. All communication with the other guy is off and even gave all my passcodes on my phone to my ex have been shattering him with gift and when he lets me come over to hang I do nothing but clean and cook and treat him like a king (btw he treated me like a queen and did all this for me before I broke his heart too) we also have been very sexually intimate with each other he even hung out with me on NY instead of going out or being with the other girl even when she was calling him at midnight. I don’t think they talk much but her action have me second guessing their relationship because she is still very much into him. He has told her that he is still talking to me the only problem is she’s doesn’t care and still wants him even going as so far as showing up at his house randomly when I was there.. didn’t go down too well ( she left but I was upset and he was confused he said about it all even as to why she came) this also putting confusion on him more because he has a girl rn who has done nothing wrong to him and is extremely into him while there me who he cares about but I broke his heart. But after all the situation that day he still decided to hang with me and tell me he love me instead of going to her house to explain this. he’s just scared I’m going to break his heart and that he only see it as fair if he’s allowed to talk to other girls at this time toosince I spent about 2 month at the bars going out and ended up cheating with 1 guy even though I ended things and they only lasted for a week or so. Ig I like the attention because things with my ex and I had gotten so comfortable we stayed home most the time and didn’t go out much.I just don’t know if should stick around and deal with it and hope we can move past it .. or if he’s only talking to me to mess with my heart then here in a month or two when I’m hooked he’s gunna leave me broken like I left him broken .. I love him very much I was just confused and scared because we’re young and things were moving quickly and I had that 21 single life in my mindset and I realized now that is all so stereotypical and you can find someone you truly care about at a young age .. I also have difficult time talking to him about the cheating he asks really deep question about what I exactly did with the other guy how he was in bed and then when I try to explain my self he says no I don’t wanna know and changes the subjects.. some advice is much needed he has also told me there is a 98% chance we will get back together he just need time to be free like I was he hasn’t cheated yet but has had MANY opportunity too lots of lady’s ask him to hang and he has told me multiple stores of girls trying to hook up but that he can’t get turned on by them and I’m the only one and he thinks it’s weird.. I know I deserve to get my heart broken I’m the end but I really don’t wanna be completely shattered by all this and I feel like the longer the drama goes the harder it’s gunna be and thing may end so badly we don’t end up being friend which I would really hate !!!

    1. Sarah

      You are both very young and therefore not yet very skilled in dealing with relationships. As a result you tend to hit out at each other and then pursue each other; very typical behavior for young people under emotional stress, but unfortunately neither is going to get you anywhere. Conflict resolution takes calmness and clarity, and neither can be achieved unless you take some time to think about your situation, and truly understand it.

      Remember, you are still learning about men and relationships. And your experiences now, good and bad, may help you one day to build a successful relationship that will last.

    2. Lizze

      I cheated on my boyfriend, with a girl. I don’t know what to do. I do love him so much. I guess what triggered this was because he was talking to other girls and always giving me bad words. Eventhough he did this I would still forgive him. I told him I cheated, he was calm at first but then said we should break up and that he never wants to see or hear from me again. Please help me get him back. I love and care for him so much

      1. Sarah

        “I guess what triggered this was because he was talking to other girls and always giving me bad words…but then said we should break up and that he never wants to see or hear from me again.”

        This is a man who appears to have given you little affection and no respect. You should try to set higher standards for the way you allow people to treat you, especially men. You could try a period of no contact and show him you can do fine without him.

  32. Sarah

    I cheat on my boyfriend after dating for three months and I regret more than anything but I know I’m wrong

    I didn’t tell him and just broke up with him because I don’t deserve him and I wanna tell him so bad because I know he needs the truth

    Right now we’re friends after breaking up two weeks later I think he still has feelings for me but I know they’ll go away when he finds out

    1. Sarah

      Well, what reason did you give him then?

      1. Sarah

        I didn’t really he just said ok and left

        1. Sarah

          You both sound as if you have a great deal of growing up to do. What made you cheat on him? Insecurity? Lust? Sheer stupidity? Try and understand why you do the things you do, and use the insight to help you become a little more mature and confident.

  33. feve

    My ex and I were having problems before i cheated on him with an ex-FWB. I regret it so much and haven’t made much of an effort to fix it and we split up 3 weeks ago. I was under so much pressure because my GPA was dropping in school and i didn’t have the heart to tell him that so that he wouldn’t get disappointed in me. he unfollowed me on all social media and refuses to talk to me. I’m scared that his whole family is influencing him to stay away from me and that he has no space to think for himself. he returned literally everything from his house back to my parents house and its been so hard. I don’t know what to do..

    1. Sarah

      You say you are in school. Therefore it’s reasonable to assume that this boy was never going to be your life partner; however you have lost him in a very unpleasant way. You need to ask yourself some questions. And the first is: why did you have a FWB? Was it what you really wanted, or did you hope it would turn into a real relationship?

      And why did you return to the FWB when you actually had a boyfriend? Were you still hoping the FWB would become your boyfriend? Presumably your boyfriend knew about the FWB, since you are both at school. How do you think it looked to him when you returned to the FWB?

      You also say you are having problems in school. That is a problem you can do something about, by asking for help. Do so with delay; your education is important and getting a grip on one of your problems will do wonders for your self-esteem.

  34. SAN

    I cheated on my bf he found out within a week he wanted us to try and save the relationship but after few days he decided we should move in on he has been going back and forth and I’m really confused as to what he wants what do I do

    1. Sarah

      What have YOU done to try to save the relationship?

      You are the one at fault. Perhaps your boyfriend was expecting you to make some effort to convince him that there was some point in trying again.

  35. Kelly

    Ok. I’m going to be honest. And slut shamed most likely. But here it goes. Let it be a lesson, and I will try to keep you updated on my situation.

    I cheated on the man I have loved since I seen him. We are a may December relationship. From the outset, you can imagine the criticism that I faced from those around him. We met by accident. He was my brothers attorney. My mom seen it. When we finally met, it was incourt. I felt sweaty and faint. Listen, when you experience love at first sight, that is it. It is a strong hold. It still holds me. The judge seen it. Everyone noticed the sparks.

    His friends, I always faced criticism from. It affected me negatively. I would question HIM why they thought this way about me. We fought, alot. He divorced his wife after he started dating someone new, who endup leaving him. I met him 2 weeks after his 2year divorce was finalized. It was pure and organic. A year later he dumped me. The narcissism is real in attorneys. He is a “nice guy”(meaning, to everyone else he is unfailingly kind. But you get the vitriol). Nonetheless, I love him.

    We split up a year later. Like I said. It was tragic. He got with a woman he worked with and I moved on months later and got married. Had my daughter. Her father is an immigrant. I am still legally married. Why? I cannot put a good father in an unstable situation. John and I started talking again, he had long split with the girl (who I swear looked like me). We waited a year before moving in together with the agreement as soon as my exhusband gets his green card we will get married. Period.
    My being legally married played on me. My ex husband and he are remarkably friendly. To this day. A year later, My mother moved in (bad idea. Ladies. Do not let another woman come in your house and try to dominate it) and it was ok for while…
    My job is an emotional one. I lost my favorite client ever. A week before hand our fighting got so bad, my SO spit on me and wished death on my client. Said client died a week later to the day.

    I spiraled silently for months, even consuming narcotic drugs. Something I’d never imagine doing. Believe me, I’m clean and done, after my arrest in july. A OWI, get this, for suspicion of being under the influence of my prescription (which, I didn’t take and don’t even care to do). The day I injured myself is the day I cheated, in the home, he found the evidence EVERYWHERE. I had taking pills, and by golly, I don’t even remember anything else. It is so humiliating and disgusting. I’m disgusted with myself.

    Now, I gave him months of space. My stuff is still at his home though he has given me back some things. My mother, yes, is still in his home. Of course, naturally, tearing me down(I’m telling you my issues with my mother, the death of my client and the our relationship issues, coupled with all the stress of my marriage). He still sees my daughter.
    I’ve been fine for months. I’ve given him his space. I’m staying with a friend, and have really gotten myself back together (I wasn’t that bad. I was never strung out or using regulary, it’s the fact I used them) I’m going to start counseling and I am so humbled in life. I really am. I text him yesterday, as we have exchanged text, that I wanted a second chance. I know exactly the cause of my frustration, and he gave me no support at all. He provide a roof over my head.
    His relationship with my daughter is special. More than anything I have disrupted her life. She will never have a connection with another man. One of the reasons I want to get back together. I am willing to do what I must to please him…I asked for forgiveness and asked to have another chance. I let him know he can set the stipulations. One things for certain, he has not yet asked me why. I am trying to take accountability for my actions. Honestly. I do not want to shift blame. However, this has to be discussed. When I informed him that I wanted another chance, I told him I don’t want to do it again, and deal with the same routine. I can put up with alot, but I can’t put up with not being loved.

    I planted the seed. How should I proceed?

    1. Sarah

      You seem to have a lot of issues to deal with, of which your relationships with men are probably not, at this time, the most important. Your biggest priority is to create a good life for yourself and your daughter. This means a stable home and, for your daughter, a mother who is calm and settled; someone om whom she feels she can depend. You must realize that YOU are the most critical person in her life, and after that, her father. Get the counselling you mentioned, and try to rebuild your life, and with it, your self-esteem. If you can learn to respect yourself, you will find that respect from others will follow. You will also surprise yourself when you discover just how much you are really capable of. Don’t look to a man, any man, to provide the solutions for you. Be strong. Be brave. Be yourself.

      1. Calista

        I had two boyfriends. I fell in love with the second one and he founf out about the first. I kept lying that I’d break up with the first and I never did till he got tired of the lies. Thing is I didn’t wanna hurt the first one because of how he loved me. Now iv lost the man I truly love. I feel so horrible. I miss him so badly

        1. Sarah

          You have treated 2 men poorly and now you are paying the price.

          If you are in love with another man, you are not doing your boyfriend any favours by staying with him. And if he is using his ‘love’ to guilt you into staying (it’s most unlikely that he doesn’t know you don’t really love him, whether or not he is admitting it to himself); then he has no right to do so. Have an honest conversation with him about all this because your relationship is going nowhere.

          Maybe the man you say you love will forgive you; maybe he won’t. But don’t expect it as a right when you have ended your relationship. Learn from this and don’t repeat your mistakes.

  36. Taylor

    I cheated on my boyfriend of 14 months with a coworker. I regret it deeply and i wish i hadn’t done it. The last week and the time of the two time cheating, i asked my boyfriend for some space and told him that i was unhappy. Because that’s simply what it was. I was unhappy because he wasn’t giving me the attention i wanted and the other guy was. I feel so stupid though because it could’ve been an easy fix but i can’t take it back now. it’s confusing because my ex is still continuing to talk to me here and there and he knows i want him back but continues to say he’s moving on and he can’t go back based on what happened but he’s never once said he’s done or that he’s done with me. I don’t know what to do besides give him time. I love him more than anything and I regret what happened so much. I’ve asked him if i could do anything to get him back and he said there’s nothing i can do. i can’t help but hold onto hope that maybe there’s another chance. Any advice?

    1. Sarah

      Did you tell your boyfriend why you were unhappy when you asked him to give you some space?

  37. Alexandra Lewis

    I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend, and now I just wish, wish, WISH I hadn’t. I just wanted him to realize that I wasn’t with him because I didn’t have any other options. I wanted him to SHOW me he loved me as much as I loved him. Now I’m afraid I’ve ruined everything. I tried everything to get him to show he cared. But the more I tried, the more he backed away. I just don’t understand WHY he couldn’t show me he loved me. It just doesn’t make sense. In fact, the only way it DOES make sense is if he didn’t love me after all. In fact, I don’t know why I’m even writing this. The answer’s so obvious. But I want him back. Is there ANYTHING I can do to make it happen?

    1. Sarah

      Hi Alexandra,

      The more you advanced towards him, the more be backed away – this is SUCH a common mistake for women to make. The best way to get a man to show he loves you is not to keep demanding and/or giving in order to get a response. It’s better to hold back a little, and give him the space to advance towards you. But now you have the added complication of your cheating, and with his friend. This gives him the perfect excuse to walk away, if that’s what he wants. You will have to give him time to decide, and while he does you need to give him space as well, and stop trying to force things to be as you want. Showing him you understand your mistakes without demanding anything from him is the first step to regaining his respect. I’m afraid it will take time, so don’t put your life on hold waiting for him to come back.

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