So your boyfriend cheated on you, but you still love him, and you’re wondering if you can forgive him. But perhaps that’s the wrong question. Maybe what you should be asking is “Should you forgive him?”

That’s a very big question. If your boyfriend cheated on you, then perhaps you would be better off without him. You must think about it very carefully before you decide whether it’s right for you to try to get him back.

CAN you get him back when your boyfriend cheated on you?

Certainly – perhaps too easily at times. And this thought should make you cautious. Why did he cheat? And if your boyfriend cheated on you once, how likely is he to do it again?

Is there a chance for you?
Can you get your ex boyfriend back?

Why Do Men Cheat?

The most common reason men cheat is because the opportunity presented itself. Often it’s not much more complicated than that. This is not to excuse his behavior, but unfortunately some men are not inclined or strong enough to resist temptation.

In these cases, it’s your choice as to whether or not you feel you can forgive him. If your boyfriend cheated on you just because the opportunity was there then he is quite likely to do so again; but he probably doesn’t see it as having any bearing on his relationship.

your boyfriend cheated on you

This is the man who tells his woman “Honestly, it was nothing. It was just sex. It has nothing to do with our relationship, or how much I love you”.

And for him it’s probably true.

A woman has every right to demand fidelity in a committed relationship, and to expect to get it. But many men find it easy to split sex off from their emotions, and they use this dichotomy to justify their lapses. And to him, it may sound almost reasonable.

But really he just isn’t strong minded enough, or of sufficient character, or committed enough, to resist temptation.

But there are other, more dangerous reasons why men cheat.

Their Sex Life with Their Wife or Girlfriend is Boring and Unfulfilling – or Non-Existent

That women lose interest in sex at some point in a long relationship has become a cliché. If it happens, then whatever the reason for it, some men may see it as a justification to look for sex elsewhere.

He Can’t Resist the Challenge

Some men just feel empowered by ‘scoring’.

your boyfriend cheated on you

He Thinks He Can Get Away With It

Both men and women admit that they are more inclined to cheat if they believe they won’t be found out.

It Gives Him an Ego Boost

All men love to know that women desire them and want to sleep with them. And when they have spent time in a long-term relationship, they like to return to the field occasionally for confirmation that they still have what it takes.

The Opportunity Presented Itself

This was Michael Douglas’s excuse in Fatal Attraction, a choice he certainly came to regret. The brutal truth is that sexual opportunity presents itself to women far more often than it does to men, which is possibly why we find it easier to say no. Carpe diem, as they say in man-land.

The Sheen Has Long Since Left the Mirror (so to speak)

Cheating can be an escape from an unhappy or unsatisfactory relationship – for both sexes. A man can travel a surprisingly long way on the fact that being in a relationship means he is getting some reasonably regular sex. But eventually he will wake up to the fact that he is shacked up with a woman who bores or irritates him; or who he doesn’t really like that much. And at that point either the relationship will start to fall apart, or he will spend the rest of his life saying “Yes, dear”.

Women Let Them Get Away With It

Statistics show that women are far more likely than men to forgive an unfaithful partner and stay with him. He’s talked his way out of it before. So why resist?

your boyfriend cheated on you

You Don’t Turn Him On Any More

Some women stop trying when they think they’ve safely landed their man. But a man minds very much when a woman no longer makes an effort to look good for him. It makes him feel short-changed and unappreciated, and things go downhill from there.

He Just Doesn’t Care Any More

If he’s really fallen out of love with you, then there’s not much to prevent him from looking and straying elsewhere. But he might not want to go through the aggro of actually breaking up. So he embarks on an unofficial separation.

Unless it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, cheating is always a sign that something is wrong, either with your relationship or with your boyfriend. You need to know which, so that you can decide whether you should try to solve the problem.

Your Boyfriend Cheated On You – Is He Worth Getting Back?

Before you do anything about reviving your relationship, you need to be sure that it really is what you want. So you need to take some time alone so that you can think and heal – you’ve probably heard this called No Contact. To find out all about No Contact and the ways it can (and can’t) help you, visit this page).

It’s important to think about why he cheated; as this will be a good indicator of how likely he is to cheat again. Habitual cheaters usually have certain personality traits in common.


He’s much more in love with himself than he will ever be with anyone else.


He only thinks (and cares) about himself.

A Shameless Flirt

If he can never pass up a pretty woman without paying her marked attention even though he is with you, then this is a big red flag.

A Habitual Liar

You’ve already caught him out in so many lies that you can’t believe a word he says.

Suspicious and Distrustful

People often judge others by themselves. So as he knows that he can’t be trusted, he assumes you can’t either.

He Has Cheated Before

You can forgive a mistake, but not when it’s become a habit.

When you boyfriend cheated on you, he was in the wrong. Even he can’t escape that, so see how he reacts to the no contact period.

your boyfriend cheated on you

A man who made a mistake that he regrets and wants to put right will be contrite and eager to regain your trust. A man who doesn’t care may try to blame you for his lapse, and tell you to forget about it as it’s not important.

But What About YOU?

A horrible thing has happened to you and the shine has gone from your relationship. But the shine goes from most relationships sooner or later, and if your relationship is serious and committed and of some duration (i.e. at least a year), then you have created something that to you at least is worth preserving.

So what should you do?

If your boyfriend has made a stupid mistake for the first time, you can probably find it in your heart to forgive him. Your main fear is that by forgiving him once he might feel empowered to do something like this again. Suppose you forgive him now, and then find yourself in the same boat next week or next month or next year? Where do you then draw the line?

Only you can decide that, because in the end it must be your decision (go here for more about forgiving a cheater). You can forgive him now while making it clear that you won’t forgive him again, but will he believe you? And will you really not forgive him again? It might be easier for you to end it now rather than start a habit you might find it hard to break.

Your Boyfriend Cheated On You, So Use Jealousy to Your OWN Advantage

Deliberately making your boyfriend jealous is usually a bad idea. But after your boyfriend cheated on you, it can be a powerful tool for turning the tables on him.

However you need to be subtle.

Read the article on “Should You Date Others to Make Your Ex Jealous?” to find out more about some of the pitfalls involved. Nevertheless, after you boyfriend cheated on you it may be time to show him something about jealousy.

You don’t have to go out and actually start dating someone new. Rather you should let your boyfriend know that you have other options too. But you must not be too obvious about it, because you don’t want him to see it as an attempt to get back at him. This will only make you look desperate, when really you want to establish your social value in his eyes.

A woman is always more attractive to a man when he knows that other men want her too.

This is where you can make use of social media.

Use your Facebook profile to show your ex and the rest of the world what a great time you’re having. Every time you go out in a mixed group of people, take pictures that you can put up on your Facebook wall.

These pictures should be ‘innocent’ ones of you having fun with a crowd of guys.

You don’t want it to look as if you are actually dating one or more of them. You just want to put the idea in your boyfriend’s mind that you have that opportunity, and that you could be – soon, if not right now.

your boyfriend cheated on you

All you are trying to do is paint a picture that says “This is my life now, and it’s great!”

But don’t go too far…

It’s crucial not to go overboard and make it look as if you are deliberately trying to make him jealous. He just needs to see you having fun with other men. He will soon get the message.

Don’t underestimate how possessive men feel about their girlfriends. What was fine for him will be quite otherwise for you, and seeing you enjoying yourself with other men will really get under his skin.

It’s not unknown for men to go on checking out their ex girlfriends’ profiles for years after they broke up with them, so he will certainly be looking at yours. (For more about how to optimize your Facebook profile to get your boyfriend back, visit this page).

If you think that you CAN forgive him, and that getting him back is the right thing for you, then visit this page for all the details of how to do it.

But for the ultimate “get your ex boyfriend back” guide, your need The Ex Boyfriend Guide, which will tell everything you need to know about breakups and how to mend them. To find out more about it, click the link below.

This Post Has 125 Comments

  1. Angela gurung

    I love my bf so mch we have been dating for like 3 4 months. I love him he used to love me too but yesterday morning i found out he was cheatin on me so i went to confront him . I ask him who she is he told me that she was his girl so i asked me what am i then he told me i was also his too. I was crying because that broke my heart and he suddenly change into stranger like i dont even know him . He wasnt even guilty . After watching me cry he told me he wont do that so i went home. But after an hour or two i got a call from anoter girl that he choose her not me. And i ask him too he said yes. So i was completely broken and i tried to moveon and walk away but i coudlnt i feel that somehere its my fault too . And if i became attractive he will come back . I told him not to leave him but he wasnt caring at all . Eventhough he hurt me i still want him back so canu suggest me how can i get my bf back please.

    1. Sarah

      Stop thinking it’s your fault. It’s not. It’s his. He has behaved very badly towards you. Learn to value yourself more and him less.

  2. Zoë

    Hi Sarah,
    My ex cheated on me. We broke up. We got back together. Then he cheated again. And we broke up again. He’s been blocked for over a year but once in awhile tries to find a way back to me.

    I don’t necessarily want to get back together with him. But he doubts I ever loved him. Is it wrong that I want show him how much I did? He was my first love, and I’m leaving the country soon (probably forever). I thought of getting him a few goodbye gifts and reminding him how much he’s meant to me.

    But at the same time he’s an arse, and I know he doesn’t deserve it, but my heart really hurts when I think of how sad he might get when he doubts that I loved him, I want him to be sure that I did before I leave despite him being a crappy human.

    Do you think it’s a good idea? Or should I just leave the guy blocked forever

    1. Sarah

      How do you know he doubts that you ever loved him? Because he said so? And because his word is so trustworthy and reliable?

  3. Victoria

    My boy friend and I just started dating we just departed for just 3weeks and when we met found out he has been cheating on me with another girl and he claims he has ended things with her but they do talk and chats alot…please what can I do

    1. Sarah

      You can find someone you can trust.

  4. Mas

    Hi , I’ve been with my bf for 7 years, he is 48 and I’m 43. He keeps talking to a girl who I hated and when I asked him to stop he said it’s his privacy and I should respect it. I heard from friends that she told everyone that they talk few times a day. We had a argument again and again but he never respect me and still he talks to her . He is very secretive person and he never tell me what he is doing but I have to give him all details about my day. I broke up with him last week but I miss him a lot and don’t know what to do to get him back. At the same time I’m angry and broken and hurt. Will no contact work on him? Pls help me

    1. Sarah

      ‘He is very secretive person and he never tell me what he is doing but I have to give him all details about my day.’ That is perhaps the most important sentence in your comment, as it shows an imbalance in your relationship and a tendency on the part of your boyfriend to exert control. Use no contact for your own benefit and try to get a perspective on your relationship. Are you really happy with this man who doesn’t respect you?

  5. kristine

    My boyfriend told me that he cheated on me. He was honest to me about it which was surprising because I know people don’t really tell their love ones that they’re cheating. I still love him but the thing is that he wants to take some time to figure out his emotions. For me, I’m very confused on what to do, it gets me very anxious that he doesn’t want to talk about what happened right away. He said he still wants to be with me but also needs to take his time as what he did was not forgivable. He wants to talk to me in person when he arrives back home which is in a week. I just don’t think it’s fair that I have to wait when I have this buried on my shoulders not knowing what to feel. We’ve been together for 2 years, I love him. I’m just very confused on what to feel and what to do.

    1. Sarah

      You have a week to think about what you really want. This is an advantage, not a burden. Use it. Listen to him when he talks to you, and then take more time to think. Remember you have options, you don’t have to settle for this, but you may find him forgivable.

  6. Helga

    Hi Sarah I have been in relationship with my boyfriend for a year and two months now but I found he is cheating on with a number of girls and it hurts 😭 coz I love him so much I don’t wanna lose him …I confronted him then he try to refused and he said those girls are just friends and finally I give him the voice note that I have talked to one among those girls he use to cheated on then he accept and making an excuses 😡 he not caring about me but he did to those he used to cheat on and he still tell me that he love me so much….I’m confused and I don’t know what to do because I love him so much …I try to forgive him but it hurts…and I was always loyal to my boyfriend but I don’t y why he did this to me…please help

    1. Sarah

      A period of no contact might help you to come to terms with his behavior and to gain enough distance for you to be able to decide what you want to do.

  7. Michele

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half we’re the same age 48 I’ve only been in three other relationships and one was 25 years very abusive of the two just didn’t work out I love him with all my heart I would do anything for him but he won’t stop talking inappropriately with other women and I just recently found a picture of him and another girl they went to the casino together and he lied to me he lied to me about everything but I still at the end of the day I love him because he’s the only man that’s really giving me the love well I feel the love that I want I don’t know what to do

    1. Sarah

      Do you really feel you could be happy with a man you cannot trust?

  8. Christina

    What happens if your boyfriend tells you that y’all both are in committed relationship and promise not to cheat but, your boyfriend gets caught texting one of his ex gf and planning on having sex while you are at work and not home. What do I need to do?

  9. Nadie

    Hi, Sarah:

    I have a situation. My boyfriend and I broke up last year (we were together for 2 years) due to normal “falling out of love” reason and then 4 months after he came back and asked me to try again. However 2 months of trying (we’re not yet in a relationship) I found out that he slept with his ex-girlfriend (the girl messaged me) and found out also that he was trying to get back together with her during the first year of our relationship—but she declined cuz she was dating someone at the time. My boyfriend told me everything and gave me his social media passwords to read all the messages he had with other people. I was really hurt and mad but I know deep down I still have strong feelings for him. He told me that he will change for the better cuz he now knows how humiliating it is and doesn’t want to see me hurt anymore. He’s the one who initiated the “cool off period” for me to think about us, gave me space to heal and to detach. Told me our relationship will only work if I will trust him wholeheartedly again. During this period, he’s also healing and figuring out things to improve himself for the better.

    Some days, I feel like I can trust, love, and forgive him again but there are days also that I couldn’t forget what he did and I’ll be miserable and project it upon him.

    I don’t know what to do….

    1. Sarah

      Is he genuinely trying to make up for his mistakes? That is a sign that he is truly sorry and that he has good intentions. It’s natural that you cannot trust him 100% immediately. Give it time.

  10. Faith

    Hey Sarah
    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year plus now , but he’s always cheating and when I confront him about it he tells me that the girls are the ones wanting him and he already told them he has a girlfriend but they still want him so I shouldn’t be bothered about that.
    But I’ve noticed when he’s with a girl and I call him, it’s either he sound rude or he doesn’t take my calls I spoke to he’s mom and God mother about it they pleaded with me to bear that it’s not ordinarily that’s he’s even complaining about him self and how much he’s hurting me but it’s not his intention. Thou we break up and make but I really don’t know how to feel cus even when the girls are seeing us together, they still want him.

    1. Sarah

      If you let him get away with treating you like that then he’ll go on treating you like that. It’s up to you.

  11. Tiara

    Hi Sarah, my partner and I have been together for almost 3 years, we have a 1 year old and a baby on the way. When I was pregnant for my first I caught him texting another girl. I confronted him, and we both just brushed it off (as I’m not a arguing type of person). When our first born was around 14 months, we broke it off and I moved states away from him, then 6 months after that we got back together, fully knowing that both of us were seeing other people while broken up. The first month we got back together he moved states to live with us, but after 5 weeks after being back together, he then flew back for a funeral. After coming back he then flew back and forth 3 more times.

    Recently I used his phone while he was asleep, and fully knowing I shouldn’t have but also did, I went through his phone and saw messages from two girls. Who he asked to meet up with separately.

    When I confronted him, he laughed if off until he realised I was serious, he then told me that one of the girls was just his “friend” when it clearly wasn’t “friendly” messages. The other girl was apparently a girl he dated when we broke up, he said that he missed her and was confused about our situation….. but he still denied any physical contact. Which I don’t believe.

    Honestly don’t know how to feel about it all. I knew he lies a lot, I used to believe everything he’d say but since getting back together I’ve been more aware of his lies.
    I don’t want to break it off but a voice in the back of my head is telling me too leave his ass.
    I honestly purely need him around for support with both our kids. Deep down I KNOW he’s going to do it again.

    1. Sarah

      Listen to the voice in your head – you sound strong enough to look your situation straight in the face. How hard would it be to get him to continue to support the children if you split up?

      1. Rosie

        Hi Sarah i have been with my boyfriend for 11 years about to be 12 next month!, i have recently found out he cheated on me! I found a video of him banging the chick who is his “long time friend” from elementary, whom he knows i never liked her ever since i was introduced to her a couple of years ago for reasons!, we were having issues with our relationship back in march and we took a no contact break for a month… I didn’t want the break to be honest because i thought we could talk through our problems but i also know deep down we needed it so i respected that!, but little did i know he was sleeping with her around the time we took the no contact break! But b4 the break he assured me he still loves me and wants to be with me… I believed him! He told me it happened one time and it didn’t mean anything and that he was stupid drunk and emotional… About our fight which caused the break!, This happened in march! I just found out two days ago from what i saw on his phone… And i checked his phone while he was sleeping last week and i saw nothing but this weekend that just passed i had this retched gut feeling in my stomach that i have to look at his phone… And good thing i did because this is where we are now… It wasn’t there last week so that tells me she sent it to him recently! “The video” Im not speaking to him he’s messaging me, but i am ignoring… I feel absolutely sick to my stomach ive thrown up, my heart cant stop racing everytime i wake up remembering that this is REAL! Ive never been so betrayed and to think this was supposed to be my future husband and all the time and effort ive put into this relationship, is it stupid i still love him? And even if there was some kind of miracle i forgave am i stupid to do so? Because i know for a fact ill never trust him again! Even if by some chance that happens i kno ill have good days and bad days and it will be a rollercoaster effect for me days i cant contact him or wonder where he is who he’s with i know down the long run it will be problems for me! And for him! I have no idea what to do beside just take time for myself… I hate that i still care for him and love him but i know i deserve better!, and the fucked up thing about this whole entire thing…is he’s had examples of cheating, his mom was cheated on by his dad for many many years and his mom finally sepparated from him, point being he’s seen what pain and anguish his mom was going thru caused by his dad and he pulled that shit on me… What should i do? I am with family and friends trying to heal, i feel so lost.

        1. Sarah

          You should do no contact for several weeks to give yourself time to think and start to move on. That will make it much easier for you to make the right decisions about your future.

  12. Sophie

    Am always getting a romour that my bf is cheating on me am scared to confront… he’s not always caring like before!
    should i break up with him please am confuse?

    1. Sarah

      From where are you getting this rumor?

  13. Hanna

    My bf have sex with a gay. Does it mean he’s gay, too? Do you think sex plays a bigger part in a relationship? I love him so much. What should I do?

    1. Sarah

      Gay or bisexual and probably confused too. How old is he? If he is still very young he may still be trying to understand his sexual identity himself.

      1. Hanna

        He’s only 26. Every time I asked him “he’d say he’s straight”

        1. Sarah

          So what is he when he’s having sex with another man?

  14. gracey

    hey my boyfrien and i hv been togethr for 10 months and i have been hearing rumours of him being with this girl named jackie bt i asked him once n he told me she was his ex then i recently found out they have been having an affair and that all the rumours were true he finally said the truth that he did do it i asked him if they had sex and does he still love her and he said they did have sex but he doesnt love her he loves me and i still love him too bt i dunno what to do.

    1. Sarah

      Are you willing to share him? If not then you must walk away.

  15. Tina

    Hey Sarah
    My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we have always understood each other
    He lost his mum early this year and at the funeral his ex showed up and I felt he ignored me and gave all his attention to the ex. Due to that we had a heated argument and our relationship lost its spark
    We could barely connect or go back to how cozy we used to be. I texted him about how things were between us and how we cannot go on like this and that was when he told me that he has cheated on me and his guilt and conscience isn’t allowing things to work out between us
    I was taken aback, shocked and confused. I’m disappointed and very hurt cos I’ve done so much for him and made a lot of sacrifices which he knows of. He asked me how I felt after his confession and too be real my mind is blank, can’t think straight and that’s what I told him. He asked me if I need some time which I agreed to.
    I love him so much and I feel lost…what do I do

    1. Sarah

      Take some time. Take all the time you need. If he wants you back it’s time for him to make a few sacrifices.

  16. Favorite

    Good morning, Sarah
    I really love my boyfriend very much and we have being together for a year n four months… Recently he starts having long conversation with a particular lady every night n the text messages between them seems romantic, I confronted him n his excuse is that he is actually developing feelings for her but he really loves me so much and he is confused… Pls I don’t want to lose him… What should I do?

    1. Sarah

      He wouldn’t be ‘confused’ now if he hadn’t started talking to another woman in the first place, so why did he?

  17. Ali

    Hey Sarah, I was with my boyfriend for 6 months and one of my bets friends kissed him and they kissed for less than a minute before he backed away. They were both drunk and they both showed me how much a mistake it was but I’m not really sure what I should doin regard to forgiving him

    1. Sarah

      Why don’t you just forget about it?

  18. Sarah

    Hey Sarah,
    I really need your help.My boyfriend kind of cheated on me .I can forgive him but can’t forget.We were on a break because he was too paranoid and I wanted to distance myself from him for a bit.So I told one of my friends to pretend to be with me who he knows.We have been happy together for 8 months until his paranoidness came along so taking a break from it didn’t feel like a bad idea.But I loved him soooo much and still do.It all started when he started working at a fast food place.He wondered what I was doing all day when I always tried to talk to him but fell asleep when he was done with work.There was a new girl at work and he told me bout her.He trained her and she was being very friendly the first day.She was depressed so he wanted to take her out to a fair.I trusted him so much never thought he’d have anything going on with her.She become like his best friend.Fast forward to our break.I literally stopped the pretending because I loved him and didin’t wanna hurt him.We were in love still talking just not together.We watched movies and stuff .I was going to take him back but the same day my grandma got sick and went to ICU . In those 3-4 days he already had sex with his co-worker I always had a bad vibe about.He was stranded once and he called me at 2 am and he told that he had an affair . I totally broke down because I knew things have been happening for a long time which led to this.Before our break he treated me like a queen and literaly the best boyfriend ever.After that I was so hurt and we got back together . First he refused to not talk to her anymore or block her.I hate that cause he could not choose between us..SLOWLY HE SAID HE REGRETTED IT AND HE DID NOT LIKE IT .He loves me ik but idky what to do.We want kids in future but what if its a mistake.He is my everything.I’d do anything to forget.Everytime we have fun I think of it and get turend of it.Its a huge scar and don’t know how to get over it.He doesn’t treat me the best anymore but tries and gets mad or rude to me.What should I do?

    1. Sarah

      Talking about wanting kids in the future is putting the cart way in front of the horse. You had a relatively short and unstable relationship with a man who is now treating you very badly. You need to set yourself some standards and refuse to put up with rude and unpleasant behavior. Try doing no contact and using the time to find new interests and to think about whether he’s really the right man for you.

  19. Paige

    Hi Sarah,

    I really need your expertise and advice as this is the first time that I’ve ever been in this situation. My current boyfriend and I dated for 10 months, had an argument and I ended things. While broken up, he continued to randomly message me and would bring up “Remember when (insert a happy memory of us)” and “I’m really sorry. I miss you please can I see you again”. 3 months after the breakup, we’re back together. Then 3 months later I had a dream that he cheated. One of those dreams that feels so real it wakes you up. I then had the urge to check his phone while he was still sleeping. At first I found nothing, but then in his deleted/blocked messages folder I find conversations between him and multiple women that occurred before we had broken up and gotten back together. One of the women he drove over an hour to visit and got a hotel room for several days. I was so upset. In the morning, I asked him “Have you ever cheated on me?” and he very quickly said “No, never” I then confessed to looking in his phone and told him what I had found. Then being caught he said that he had, one time physically. That at one point he thought we were headed for a break up and he isn’t sure why he did it because he’s always loved me, but that maybe he was seeing if the grass was greener. Went this all went down (as far as I could tell from his phone) we were 7 months in and in love as far as I knew. He told me as soon as it happened it knew he had made a huge mistake and he didn’t want me to know about it because he didn’t want to lose me. That for him this happened so long ago and our relationship now is a totally different relationship…. fast forward to today (6 months in to our 2nd relationship) and things are off, I can feel it. His sex drive is now low when it never was before (he said it’s from going to the gym now), we used to talk about a future together all of the time but it feels like he is making choices for the future without me or talking to me about them, he feels distant, we talk everyday but it feels forced like it’s a scheduled event basically, I don’t feel or have the same physical and emotional connection…he keeps telling me that nothing is wrong… but I feel like there is something wrong. How do I approach this? What should I do? I’ve tried to be forgiving, but it’s now in the back of my head the way he was acting when the cheating went down is what is happening now. Is there a way to find out if he is cheating that you recommend?? Thank you for your help!

    1. Sarah

      You can forgive one mistake but not when it becomes a habit (there is an article here about whether you should forgive a cheater). You need to have an honest conversation with him but in order for it to be productive and avoid fights you both need to keep calm. But you also need to have standards, and so you must be prepared to hear things you don’t want to hear and to be committed to walking away if he can’t or won’t meet your standards. It will be hard, but not as hard as wasting years trying to make this into the relationship you want when that’s never going to happen.

  20. Elizabeth

    Hi Sara, my boyfriend cheated on me in October 2020 when I found out I asked him to stop communicating with the girl but he refused to do so. But he says he still wants to be with me at the same time he also asked for space. I don’t know what to do I’ve been with him for two years and I really love him.

    1. Sarah

      He does want to have his cake and eat it, doesn’t he?

      You can put up with it, or you can tell yourself no, I am worth better than this. And you are. You might still love him but it’s just as important to love yourself. You don’t have to give him an ultimatum (never a good idea), instead tell him what you are and are not prepared to put up with. If you’re not prepared to share him then tell him so, calmly rather than angrily. And stick to it. Follow the plan by working on becoming a better version of yourself.

      1. Karla

        Hello , I hate that I am even here but I am so lost … my fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and 2 days ago I discovered he cheated on me with his co-worker . We recently had been having some trouble in our relationship but nothing that was seriously wrong (just petty disagreements) well it began Dec 2020 till Feb 2021 . Along with the agreements, our sex life began to become complicated due to some disagreements we were having about our relationship. Anyways He met with the other person a couple of times and she only preformed oral sex but irregardless I am broken ! I hate that I am so in love with him and broken at the same time . I have no idea what to do – this was the first time this had ever happened and we have 3 kids together I really need some advice please !!

        1. Sarah

          What is your boyfriend’s attitude? Is he sorry? Has he given you any assurances it won’t happen again? As you have 3 children your situation is complicated and you have to think about them too, not just yourself. But if you are to stay together the primary effort needs to come from him. Go here to find out more about forgiving a cheater.

      2. alexandra

        Hi Sarah. Unfortunately I’m the mistress in the relationship. I just figured last January. We just recently dating This guy is my childhood crush. I’ve known him since I was 8, He’s 21 at that time. He got married in his twenties. Got 3 kids. and he got another woman in his life. 2 kids on that girl. When we start dating thats the only time I got to know him and about the 2nd woman in his like. We’re close friends since we are just neighbors, We have the same circle of friends. We celebrated christmas and new years mostly every year as childhood friends. We last year Nov. We started dating.. Out of the blue. I never showed my true feelings for him. Its just so happen we like each other. Im so into him since he’s my childhood crush. Last jan. this 2 woman message me that their relationship was not really done and for his wife, they’re just co parenting for their kids I guess. but they still have connections which its okay with me. but when the moment this 2nd woman told me that they’re just on the rocky situation It hurts a lot. We didnt talked but I still love him and after 2 or 3 weeks, we got back to each other cause I dont want to lose him. even I tho I knew they’re still together (2nd woman) for the past weeks we’re on the on and off situation. I realy want to end it but I still end up going back to him. I just dont know what to do. i dont know if I really love him or what 🙁 Or if he really love me as per him 🙁 Anyway, they’ve been 14 years. I just known him for more than that but im just a friend before. Im not the one who’s with him tru thick and thin situation… I know i should leave him.. Im always praying every night that all my feelings will jut go away 🙁 I just dont know what to do anymore 🙁

        1. Sarah

          Your feelings for him won’t go away until you take charge of your life and do something to make them go away. You know this is a toxic relationship and you are right to want to escape it. Would it be possible for you to move away? Putting distance between you is the first step to cutting him out of your life. If that’s not possible then you have to be very strong and keep him at arms length. It won’t be easy but think or yourself as someone who deserves love and you are going to love yourself by telling yourself you are not going to settle for this.

          1. alexandra

            Thank you. I will do my best starting today. Pray for me. Thank you so much for the advice.. 🙂 🙂

            1. Sarah

              Good luck!

  21. Susan

    Well I am not sure if I will get a reply here but I have a bf that I love more then anything. We were high school sweethearts when I was 15 and he had asked me to marry him and my mom and dad approved of it but in may 1988 just 2 weeks before my 16 bday my mom passed away. I had to move 2 states away and we lost touch. Then after 30 years we happen to run into each other at a local gas station and started back dating again. After almost 2 tears he asked me again to marry him and I said yes. We had plans to marry Feb 14 2021 but these past few months he started acting different and even had me take him to his old GF house because she had owed him money or at least that is what he said. Then in Aug a friend who was more of a friend to me then to him picked up his cell phone and dialed my cell and set the phone down and on a table so I could hear him talking about me and how he called me a piece of shit and that he had made me take him to peavine and how he started dating his old GF again and how this old GF started putting out for him. When I heard that it broke my heart so I took my phone and voicemail and played it for him and he dents it but it is him and he gets mad if I confront him about it and says it not him etc. I work with the police department and had a police friend do a recording of my bf and compared it to the voicemail I had received and it was him but my bf swears it not him and gets mad at me when I ask him. I love him so much and I don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice? Should I forget about the voicemail and delete it and just move on? Or should I break up with him and not see him ever again?

    1. Sarah

      It seems to hinge on the veracity of the friend who first made you aware of how your boyfriend really thought of you. Did/does this friend hope to win you for himself? Or win your boyfriend for herself? In other words, do they have an ulterior motive? You don’t make that clear.

      Yet there is your boyfriend’s recent behavior which you admit has been unpleasant: unloving and even suspicious. Would it be possible to get all three of you together in one room and then ask them to justify their own contrary stories? It’s probable that whoever is lying will be unable to keep up the subterfuge when forced to face the person who knows the truth.

  22. Judith

    My Boyfriend && I Had Been Dating For Over A Year.. He’s An Obsessed Boyfriend He Freaks Out When He Can’t Get Hold Of Me, He Calls Or Texts So Many Times Or Try To Show Up At My Place Unannounced Just To See If I’m Around, He Wants Me To Always Be With Him At His Place And Denies Me To Go Home To See My Family, If I Tell Him I’m Going To The Mall, Interview Or Clinic He Freaks Out And Calls Multiple Times.. Funny Part Is That I Have Never Cheated On Him!! It Was Just Too Much So I Decided To Break Up With Him.. During Our Break-up He Would Call And Beg For Us To Get Back Together!! I Then Found Out I’m Pregnant.. And Told Him That I’m Pregnant!! We Decided To Fix Things && He Promised To Change!! Since We Got Back Together I Found Out During Our Break Up He Was Inboxing Women On Facebook Requesting Their Numbers.. I Found Out He’s Been Flirting With The Girl Who Was Our Neighbor Where We Rented Previously.. The Girl Hated Me So Much, And It Hurts To Find Out That My Man Asked For Her Numbers On Facebook, He Called Her More Often And The Girl Even Sent Him Pictures.. He Denied Everything Saying Nothing Is Going On Between Them.. Another Girl Texted And Said She’s Hurt That My Man Doesn’t Talk To Him Anymore So I Instructed My Boyfriend To Call All These Females And Tell Them That He Wants Nothing To Do With Them.. Which He Did!! I’m Willing To Forgive Him But He’s Turned Into Something Else.. He’s Always Leaving Me At His Place To Go Drink With His Friends, He Doesn’t Sleep At Home Sometimes.. I Feel Like Things Were Okay Befor And Now That I’m Pregnant Things Have Changed!! As We Speak I Tore All His Clothes Using A Scissor.. He Has Nothing I Couldn’t Help It Cause I’m So Angry I’m Pregnant And Im Always Crying.. Always Stressed Out I Don’t Know What To Do.. Should I Leave Him For Good And Focus On My Schoolwork And Pregnancy Or Should I Stay In This Toxic Relationship

    1. Sarah

      This man sounds very controlling and controlling men are not at all nice to be around, so I would say the sooner you leave him the better. However you say you are pregnant and apparently still at school, which is a very unfortunate combination of circumstances. You couldn’t be a worse position to become a mother: you are still financially dependent and the baby’s father doesn’t sound like a man any mature woman with options would choose for that role. The obvious solution would be an abortion, but you may have moral objections to that which prevent it from being an option for you, or it may anyway not be possible in your country. If that is the case, you will have no other option than to become a single schoolgirl mother. However you won’t be the first, and so you will simply have to make the best of it. It will mean your having to grow up very quickly and inevitably it will limit your future options. But don’t stay in a toxic relationship which is making you miserable. That is one thing you can choose to do for your own sake and your baby’s.

  23. Trisha

    Me and my boyfriend had a relationship for more than a year. When we were together i sometimes had trust issues with him . I sometimes used to feel really jealous of his girl friends. After 10 months of dating i find out that he was flirting with one his girl friend and with flirting he often used to text her ‘i love you ‘ he also sometimes address her with pet names that he used to call me with. And when i get to know about it he said ‘ iam sorry i was wrong and it was i long time ago , at that time i was not so serious about our relationship but now i am and i promise it won’t happen again ‘ and he promised to block her and never get in talking terms with her again and i trusted him. After few months i stopped using social media because it was affecting my daily routine soo i deactivated my instagram account . One day i felt like opening my account and get socialised again and when reactivate my instgram and i find out that he is again been in touch with her and they are talking lately at that time we had been dating for 18 months. I asked him what is going on he said you’re misunderstanding the situation there’s nothing going on but i was soo mad at him that i said don’t talk to me ever and he was like ‘ okay goodbye ‘ and he never apologised and didn’t even try to make up for what he did. I feel heartbroken , he was my first love and it hurts alot. I don’t want to talk to him ever again but sometimes when i get flashbacks i can’t handle it , i cry alot . I want to move on but i can’t. Please tell me what should i do , i want to focus on my career ( i am 20 yr old) but because of this incident i am unable to focus on my studies .

    1. Sarah

      It sounds as if he is ready to move on and I think you realize that. Getting over a breakup is hard: try to discipline yourself not to think about him. This will be VERY hard at first: try making a list of happy things to think about whenever you catch yourself doing it. After a tough couple of weeks you may find that the thought of him is cropping up less, which will give you a justified sense of achievement. Try to avoid seeing him; if necessary reschedule your day so that you won’t run into him. And see your friends: not to talk about him but to have fun.

      1. Trisha

        Thankyou sarah !
        One more thing, should i talk to him and clear up things not to get back with him but to make him realise that what he did was wrong ?

        1. Sarah

          Personally I wouldn’t bother. Just walk away with your head held high.

          1. Trisha

            Thankyou soo much ! Means a lot sarah .

  24. Michelle

    My boyfriend of four years, used a separate snap chat to message girls. He talked to a girl for 6 months, before I found out. While they never physically met up this kind of sneaky betrayal caused me to break up with him. This is not the first time he has sent females too friendly snaps. I don’t know what to do. He had been very apologetic, taking full responsibility, and promising he would change. He has been in a very bad place, very depressed and blamed this as an ego booster because he wasn’t happy with himself. While what he did was terrible, a piece of me wants to take him back. I don’t know if I’m being stupid and he will just cheat again. I know he’s going to counseling and attempting to get his life together. But I am unsure if too much damage has already been done to our relationship, don’t know if we could ever go back to what once was. The saddest part is that I am still so filled with love, that the only emotion I’m capable of feeling is sadness and grief. I can’t even get angry at him because regardless of how bad what he did was. I still love him.

    1. Sarah

      How long has he been depressed? It seems that is the pressing problem here, and if he is getting treatment then he deserves credit for trying to get to grips with it. Depression is a serous illness and affects every aspect of a person’s life. Has he discussed this particular issue with his therapist? If not, then perhaps he should.

      1. Michelle

        He has been depressed for I’d say maybe 6years. He said it would come in waves. Leaves for a bit and then returns. This is the first time he has seeked help though. He has been in contact with me and seems very hopeful that it will work out for us In the end. But I am scared that he will cheat again. Should I take him back?

        1. Sarah

          I think you should be cautious about the future and prepare for the fact that it may not include him. Hopefully he will conquer his depression and find a brighter future, but it would probably be better if you leave him to do this by himself. If and when he recovers will be the time to think about the future of your relationship.

          It’s possible that his recovery will also heal your relationship, but it’s equally possible that once he recovers he will find that your relationship no longer fits with the ‘new’ him. For his own sake he needs to work on this and you should wish him well, and use the time to build a new life for yourself.

  25. Stevie

    My partner and I have been together for 7 years. I recently found out that he cheated on me with a friend one night after a party. They were both under the influence of alcohol, and both regret what happened. I found out 2 weeks after the fact but reading a text message (we are open to looking through each other’s phones). I’m madly in love with him and don’t know what I would do without him. He is very apologetic and has been crying all day with me. We have communicated about the situation and talked about our future. He even texted the girl in front of my face saying that they can’t be communicating anymore. We don’t want to break up because we are and have been attached by each others hips from the beginning. Oh, and should I mention we are engaged. He doesn’t understand why it happened and neither do I? He said he has held this grudge for the past 2 weeks wanting to tell me but couldn’t because he didn’t want to lose me. Has anyone else experienced this before? I’m heartbroken and don’t want to tell anyone just in case I am judged.

    1. Sarah

      This is a horrible thing to have happened to you and the shine has gone from your relationship. But the shine goes from most relationships sooner or later, and yours has now lasted 7 years. That’s a lot of history, and if this is the first real cloud on your horizon then you have much to be thankful for.

      If your boyfriend has made a stupid drunken mistake for the first time, I’m sure you could find it in your heart to forgive him. I suspect your main fear is that by forgiving him once he might feel empowered to do something like this again. Suppose you forgive him now, and then find yourself in the same boat next week or next month or next year? Where do you then draw the line?

      Only you can decide that, because in the end it must be your decision (go here for more about forgiving a cheater). You can forgive him now while making it clear that you won’t forgive him again, but will he believe you? And will you really not forgive him again? It might be easier for you to end it now rather than start a habit you might find it hard to break.

      Think about this carefully and, assuming he is genuinely sorry, talk to him about it. But in the end it’s your decision, not his.

      1. Stevie

        Thank you for your reply, Sarah. It has been a tough 2 days since finding out, but we have had lots of conversations within those 2 days about it and where we are going. Even though I am not fully recovered by it, we are willing to keep our relationship going. This has been his first mistake and has told me that it will be the last. We have had an amazing 7 years, and don’t see our future without each other. I certainly don’t have full trust in him as of yet, but we are willing to make this return. He has fully cut off the communication with this girl to make me feel better. I haven’t wanted to tell anyone about this because I don’t want to be judged, but I am going to tell my best friends tonight in hopes that they won’t look at me differently. Thanks again, Sarah.

        1. Sarah

          Thanks for your message and I’m glad it helped a little. And good luck for the future. And by the way, there’s no law that says you have to tell anyone about your problems. So if you’d rather keep them to yourself (at least for the time being), it’s your perfect right to do so.

  26. Crystal

    My boyfriend went through a tough time after his mum passed. I tried to be there for him. I think really did a good job being there for him during the time. Later I found out he cheated with an ex companion of his(companion because they’ve never actually dated.) and was also trying to reconnect with an old ex who’s no longer in the country. He blatantly denied ever cheating until I showed evidence of screenshots of his conversations with the two girls. I don’t trust him anymore, but I still love him. I forgave him but whenever I remember I really hurt a lot and I hate him and I don’t know what I’m still doing with him. Besides that, he’s actually really good to me. I don’t know what to do since I can never forget about him cheating in the first place.

    1. Sarah

      Perhaps an honest conversation is what you need. But your boyfriend needs to be willing to cooperate, so don’t try and force it. Try to explain your pain without blaming him; difficult, I know, when you feel he has betrayed you. But he won’t want to talk unless he feels he’ll get a genuine hearing.

    2. Prettymom

      My husband did that to me when we are dating. Becareful that is narcissism, I found out that my husband has NPD. He cheats when he is down, he cheats on his previous GFs, he reconnects when someone is available online its like a drug for him. More admiration from other girls makes him feel superior and valuable

      1. Sarah

        That sounds rather like projection. Your story won’t necessarily apply to others: although I agree narcissism is a very unpleasant trait it doesn’t automatically apply here.

  27. Jane Johnson

    My partner/father of my children were together 6 years he cheated on me 2 months before we were due to get married, he cheated with my friend of 20+years! He ended us- I didn’t see it coming, he left and a week later was in a relationship with her, engaged very quickly, wedding booked within 3months. A month after that so 4months into his relationship with her he’s cheated on her multiple times with me (if you count video sex as cheating). He confuses the hell out of me and until the children are older I’m tied to him. I can’t get him out my head or heart no matter what I try. I don’t know how to understand him or what to do 😢

    1. Sarah

      He has two women in his life but is committed to neither. You know that, she may not. However she was quite happy to take him away from you despite being your ‘friend’. Perhaps on her side the friendship wasn’t as sincere as it was on yours. Both these people have behaved shabbily towards you and so you should distance yourself from them.

      But you say you are having video sex with your ex. Why? Being a friend with benefits would be stupid, but he can’t even be bothered to be in the same room as you. So stop it: there is nothing in it for you. Apply yourself to getting him to provide responsibly for his children; they should be the priority for both of you. Insist he behaves decently in this one area of his life even if he is a complete douche in all the others.

  28. Cydney

    My boyfriend of 6 months cheated on me on New Years. We had been doing a long distance relationship for 2 months at that point. He got really drunk and went home with a girl. He claims he blacked out before it all happened and didn’t remember it, only to find out the next morning when the girl was in bed with him. I found out a month after it happened when I went through his phone. We broke up but we still love each other so much. He has apologized a multitude of times not only for the cheating but also for not telling me about it. He understands what he did was selfish. I really think he might be the one, but I’m wondering if I will be able to build the trust we had back up again.

    1. Sarah

      What you say makes no sense. You found out ‘a month after it happened when I went through his phone’. Why did you do this? Is spying on each other a feature of your relationship? But leaving that aside, why was there anything on his phone about it? Is this girl someone he already knew? Or did he gave his number to someone he picked up in a bar and spent the night with?

  29. Gloria

    I and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months now…I found out he cheated on me 3times with different women and says he just have them as flings and nothing more…he is a public relation officer at his work place but I can’t help it…what should I do now cus we are always having issues

    1. Sarah

      Either he doesn’t care enough about you to make the effort to be faithful, or he is just not the faithful type. One mistake can be forgiven, but after that you need to be clear-eyed about both him and your relationship.

  30. Stacey

    My boyfriend of 6 months went to a party and got really drunk. A few days later I get told he touched 2 girls’ waists and bum a few times. However he is telling me he didn’t. There’s a video of the girl telling someone he was being touchy with her. What do I do? I love him a lot but I’m hurting

    1. Sarah

      Presumably he doesn’t behave like that when he’s sober?

  31. Haley

    My boyfriend of 9 months was sexting another girl. It was going on for three weeks, by the way we are in a military relationship so we’ve had to do long distance. We had been distant in those weeks following up him coming home for two weeks but when we got here we had a huge talk and we were better than good. We were just like how we used to be, but I knew in my gut that he had done something and I went through his phone and saw videos of this girl on there. My first reaction was to break up with him and then we ended up talking for over 4 hours. I believe him when he says he will change but it just hurts so much and idk what to do. Today is Christmas and he’s supposed to come over but it’s hard to act like this thing didn’t happen.

    1. Sarah

      Perhaps it’s just a symptom of the world we inhabit, in which porn has gone not just online but interactive too.

      1. Rachel

        My bf of 9months cheated on me with a toxic friend. Me and him had gotten in an argument and he went to her for advice and she told him to leave me and got into his head. He then kissed her. He broke up with me. THEN we took a break Bc I felt we needed it to see how much we love each other and miss each other so I thought. He saw her again and fingered her, he got nothing in return. it was a break so I can’t get upset about it, BUT it happened and he just says she got into his head!! I hate her. We both have her blocked, but he’s not the same and I’m not either. I just don’t know if it’s worth it anymore? When I’m with him I feel something and I love him I really do. But idk If it’s Bc I’m scared of the outcome and that’s just my emotions controlling me. I’m so confused.

        1. Sarah

          Why did he go to a ‘toxic’ friend for advice? Ask yourself that. Ask HIM that.

  32. Haley

    My boyfriend of 9 months was sexting another girl. It was going on for three weeks, by the way we are in a military relationship so we’ve had to do long distance. We had been distant in those weeks following up him coming home for two weeks but when we got here we had a huge talk and we were better than good. We were just like how we used to be, but I knew in my gut that he had done something and I went through his phone and saw videos of this girl on there. My first reaction was to break up with him and then we ended up talking for over 4 hours. I believe him when he says he will change but it just hurts so much and idk what to do.

    1. Sarah

      Does he know this woman, other than via text?

  33. Queen

    We’ve been dating for 7months now. After the first two month, we had a little friction and we didn’t talk for a month. We’re back together now, but when I went to his place recently, I met a girl and when I asked him, he told me that he slept with her when we had friction. What do I do now, it’s hurting.?

    1. Sarah

      But what was she doing there now you are no longer having ‘friction’? Did he tell you that? If not, ask him.

  34. Brandie

    I found out in September 2019 that my boyfriend of 9 years cheated on me. He said that he wanted to make sure that I was the one and that he made a very bad mistake. As far as I know he has never cheated on me before and our relationship is really good. I am completely heartbroken and I feel like I did something wrong. We have been planning on getting married in the last year and our wedding day is in January 2019. He is doing everything right and not being a jerk or making me feel bad at all. He stated that he understand how bad he hurt me and he knows that it is going to take a while to get over. I just don’t understand what lead him to want to go look for someone else on Google Hangouts. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and have waiting so long to get married to this man. I have forgiven him but I feel broken and I am having a hard time trusting him now. What do I do?

    1. Sarah

      You don’t say how long ago this happened, but infer that it was recent. You are also well advanced in planning your wedding, which is in just 2 months’ time.

      It’s not at all unusual for people to have doubts before their wedding. Did your boyfriend have other girlfriends before you? If not it’s not surprising that he occasionally wonders if he might have missed or missed out on something. Even if he has had other girlfriends, it’s not uncommon for men to feel ambivalent about the prospect of lifelong monogamy. It’s not that he actively wants other women, but that it’s harder than many women realize to turn his back on the possibility.

      Even so, what he did is a serious breach of trust. You also don’t say how you found out. Did he tell you? If so, why, if the incident was ultimately trivial and merely served to confirm his devotion to you? Or did you find out by other means?

      You say he is now doing everything right. That suggests he is genuine about wanting to marry you; and you also make it clear that he is being patient and understanding. That suggests that he contrition is also genuine. But it would be a mistake to go ahead with the marriage if you cannot forgive him. In that case you would be likely to throw the past at him every time you had a problem, and that would poison your entire relationship.

  35. Zoom

    I had been in a relationship with my boyfriend at college for 9 months and I recently discovered that he had been dating another girl at college .as I asked him , he refused that they are dating .but I still love him I don’t know what go do

    1. Sarah

      Maybe they are friends. Had you considered that?

  36. Ashley

    I just found out my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me a year ago with an old coworker. He said it was on a weeknight and they went out to a bar for some drinks after work. Ended up getting tipsy and she told him a very seductive story in his car and they ended up having sex in his back seat. I am utterly heat broken just hearing about this now a year later. He keeps saying how sorry he is and swears on everything it will never happen again and how he regrets that night. I just can’t get over the fact that he probably never would have even told me if I never got it out of him. I’ve always said cheating is the one thing that will break my heart. He said he will do anything to show me how much he loves me. I’m so confused and hurt right now I don’t know what to do.

    1. Sarah

      “I just can’t get over the fact that he probably never would have even told me if I never got it out of him”. Do you interrogate him regularly then? How? Why? If you can’t or don’t trust him, why are you still with him?

      “I’ve always said cheating is the one thing that will break my heart.” Why have you said that? Always? Do you say it regularly then? Why?

      It sounds as if you have issues of your own. Because if you didn’t, and if this was the right relationship, you wouldn’t need to keep talking about cheating. The thought just wouldn’t be in your mind.

  37. Alyssa

    My boyfriend cheated on me in the past and after a while I was able to move on and our relationship seemed to be stronger than ever. We have been dating for a year now and I love him with all my heart but now I found out that he cheated again (jus two months after the first instance). He says he’ll never do it again but how can I trust him ever again? I don’t want to lose him though because I love him so much. He’s begging me to forgive him and says he will do anything. He also deleted social media so he can’t contact anyone since the cheating always occurs online (snapchat). Should I believe that he truly loves me and won’t do it again or is that just me being stupid and in love?

    1. Sarah

      You say ‘the cheating occurs online’: is this some form of cybercheating? Or was he simply looking at porn? Presumably he wasn’t exchanging love notes with his cybertarts? There was no question of emotional involvement? Still, he does sound a bit of a plonker. And getting found out – twice – too.

  38. Hannaah

    I hv 2kids with my husband.we went for holidays at his place the only thing I found I used condoms in his room ,he is cheating on me what should I do

    1. Sarah

      Your husband has his own place where you go with your children for holidays? Does this mean you are separated, in which case he may think he is free to have a sex life with other women? Otherwise why are you not living together? I’m afraid your message doesn’t really make very much very clear.

  39. Holly

    My bf has so many girlfriends in the name of fans.recently i had a surgery.i found out he is pleading anothr gal for a rship.complaining of her cheating.

    1. Sarah

      Get another boyfriend.

  40. Amanda

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years. He went to a work conference and after a cocktail party he blacked out and woke up in someone else’s bed – they had sex. He told me 2 days later and is begging to have me back but this is the one thing i always told him and everyone else was the ultimate deal breaker for me. Now we’re here and I don’t have a clue what to do. I’ve never seen him this devastated before and he is begging me to forgive him and give him a second chance. I don’t know what to do.

    1. Sarah

      Issuing ultimatums is only very rarely a good idea, especially in relationships; something with which you are now having to come to terms. Either you stand by your threat, or you weasel you way out of it. Neither is what you really want, and neither bodes well either for this or for any future relationship.

      You need to think about WHY you issued the ultimatum in the first place. Why is this ‘the ultimate deal breaker for you’? Don’t you see any difference between the man who deceives his wife for years with another woman, perhaps even commits bigamy, and a man who does something really stupid once when under the influence of alcohol, and now bitterly regrets it?

      People who issue ultimatums are often secretly frightened and usually insecure. They hope (maybe even believe) that an ultimatum will protect then from the situation they most dread. Well, as you have now discovered, it doesn’t.

      People do wrong things all the time, and if they did not do so with bad intent, and are genuinely contrite, they are – or should be – forgivable. However, forgiveness is a grace that should not be abused. A person can forgive an unfaithful partner once, only to find themselves facing the same situation in the future: and having been forgiven once, the faithless partner is just a bit more confident that they will be forgiven again, and again, and again…

      You can do two things here. First, decide whether or not you can forgive this man, and continue your relationship without bitterness and constantly dragging up the past. Some quiet time apart might help you to get the situation in proportion and understand your heart.

      Second, try to approach relationships in general with a more nuanced view, instead of seeing things in black and white. Most people are flawed, but if they are kind, honourable people with good intentions then they are also worth forgiving. If you look forward to marriage or a long, stable relationship, you – and he – will have to learn to forgive each other.

  41. Hollie

    My boyfriend of two years is really attentive, loving, and has invested a lot into our relationship. A year ago, I found out from a friend that he’d sent a nude to this random guy he’d met on kik. I confronted him, and he quit his job so he could stay home and try to fix things with me. It felt like a positive thing, to clear the air and come clean about what he’d done. I gave him the opportunity to tell me if he’d ever done anything else, and said that if he didn’t tell me now and I found out myself, we’d break up He promised he hadn’t done anything else, and we moved past it.

    Now I just found out that before this, he’d spent a month hooking up with his ex. I found this out myself, and when I tried to confront him, I gave him several chances to confess it himself, but it wasn’t until I pried the truth from him that he admitted it. I’m devastated. He’s adamant that he’s changed, he’s not the same man he was a year ago, and that I’ve made him a better person. He said he was going to tell me eventually, but didn’t want to hurt me and make me sad.

    I’m really conflicted about the whole situation, because I see someone who’s undeniably put so much into our relationship, that supports me emotionally, and we get along really well. It hurts that he didn’t trust me with the truth the first time I caught him being disloyal, and that he hid it from me when I gave him an honest chance to confess it himself.

    I still love him, but I don’t trust him, I don’t know what to do.

    1. Sarah

      You can’t have a successful relationship without trust. Is he making any genuine attempt to regain your trust? Or is he just making excuses?

  42. Victoria

    Am pregnant n my boyfriend is cheating like never before ,I caught him n keeps apologising n I have sleepless night.I hurt him I want to leave now but its hard

    1. Sarah

      Why did you become pregnant in such a dysfunctional relationship? For the sake of the child, you need to get a grip on your priorities.

  43. Nicole

    I just found out my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me a year ago with my daughter’s best friend. He said it only occurred when we were on break for 2 weeks but the girl claims they hooked up the first night I introduced them and it went on for months. He ultimately ended it but she would still contact him here or there. I’m not sure what to do. This happened a year ago and we’ve been through alot this past year. He swears he loves me and she was a mistake. He said he let his ego get the best of him because she was young and interested. I’m totally humiliated and hurt. Not sure if I should stay or go.

    1. Sarah

      What your ex says about his relationship with the younger woman may well be the truth. It IS very seductive to a middle-aged man to be pursued by a young and attractive woman (bear in mind that men’s standards of what is an attractive woman tend to be much lower than women’s). But you need to be sure that you have the full facts before you can decide whether to forgive him.

      Did it really go on for only 2 weeks? Or was it much longer?

      Against that you must balance what you have been through this past year. Has it made your relationship stronger? Take enough time to be sure that you make the right decision.

  44. Charlie

    I just found out my boyfriend if 6 years and father of 2 children was cheating on me with a girl he met on tinder while I was on vacation with the kids for 2 weeks. He had her at our home screwing her in our bed and telling her he loved her. We built a life together and it’s torture to let go. What do I do?

    1. Sarah

      Why didn’t he come with you on the holiday? Do you already have problems in your relationship? Your brief description of your situation makes this seem likely.

      To bring another woman not just into your home,but into the bed you share together, is an act of the grossest disrespect and deception. It is also, I’m sorry to say, not the kind a thing a man generally does the first time he cheats on his partner. It’s the kind of thing a man does when he’s cheated so often he no longer feels particularly guilty about it. It’s also the kind of thing a man does when he no longer cares much about being found out: maybe even wants to be found out.

      Of course this is horribly painful for you, and the pain will have been compounded by the shock. But your relationship is now in ruins, and you should probably find a good lawyer. You say your ex met this woman on tinder while you were away. Do you believe him? Have you considered the possibly that he has known her longer than that, perhaps a lot longer? Have you considered that perhaps she wasn’t the first woman he has cheated with while you have been together?

      Get some advice on your situation and your legal rights. You have your children to think about, and you need to be strong for them.

  45. Zee Hans

    Been together with my boyfriend for 6 months found out he’s been having relations with another woman our entire relationship but he swears he never had sex with her which I find it hard to believe. He apologized numerous of times said it’s his fault and he knows he messed up. I feel like he’s only sorry he got caught and I threatened him that I’m moving out of state to be with my mom. He said he would like to work it out and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I’m really stuck here and don’t know if I should give him one last shot or leave like I intend on doing

    1. Sarah

      Has he been listening to Bill “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” Clinton?

      If he really has been deceiving you throughout your entire relationship, then how does he expect you to trust him now? What exactly was the nature of his ‘relations’ with this woman? Did you know of her existence but believe she was just a friend, or did he keep completely schtum about her?

      Finally you say you don’t really believe he is sorry, just sorry he got caught. Listen to what your instinct is telling you here, and don’t give him another chance against your better judgement. What does he want from you, and this other woman, and your relationship? What is he prepared to do to make up for letting you down so badly? What is he going to contribute in the future to make your relationship a success?

      You need convincing answers to these questions. Has he got them?

  46. selvee

    Already 5 years and he cheat b4 …now again he cheat and the most hurtful is that he brought that woman in his room and stay for 3 days together lying to me that he is tired and sleep after work …

    1. Sarah

      When a man cheats more than once, either you accept that he will never be faithful, or you leave. The choice is yours; and it’s VERY important that you understand that.

      You are not powerless here. You can leave.

  47. aiyanna gentry

    my boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year now…..found out yesterday he was cheating on me….im just so ******* messed up right now

    1. Sarah

      Of course you are.

      Does your boyfriend want to leave you for this woman? Or does he want to stay and work things out? If he’s already gone, then try to teach yourself to accept you are better off without him. If he wants to stay, then you both have some serious talking to do. Take your time, and don’t make hasty decisions. You’ve had a big shock, and it will take time to recover enough to decide the best way to go from here.

  48. Favour

    My boyfriend and I ave been together for 3 mths he claims he luv me nd I luv him too.i traveled last week nd he texted me dat there is sth we need to talk about I came back nd he said he cheated with his best friend/ex he apologized nd I don’t know wat to do

    1. Sarah

      Was he drunk? Horny? Does he still love her? Does she want him back?

      The fact that he told you himself shows that he didn’t want you to find out any other way, which at least is to his credit. Maybe he wants to be honest with you about his real motives, but he’s afraid of your reaction. Try and listen to him without going off the deep end. Then you can decide whether to forgive him this time – and this time only.

  49. Mae

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 4 years. I just recently found messages between him and an ex-coworker sexting. He swears it was only two times of sexting and that he never touched her in person, he swears he wouldn’t have either way but idk. I don’t want to loose him I’ve always loved him, and he says he loves me too. we were going through a patch where neither of us wanted contact. I thought it was because my birth control and I had a consecutive period for over 3 months and felt disgusting and told him, but when I finally got over it, I wanted him and he was going through a patch then of not feeling attractive. I was always there for him and he was able to jack off to this other girl, when I was physically there for him but I wasn’t enough. Idk what to do, and I feel because of her he no longer will want me, and because of her the thought of anything sexual with him disgusts me. I love him and loved our relationship, but idk if ill ever be able to get over this.

    1. Sarah

      It sounds as if your health issues are at the root of the problem, but you say they have now been solved.

      It also sounds as if neither of you were able to talk to each other about how they affected your relationship. Try and do so now, calmly and without blame. That will be very hard, and will take maturity and compassion; but if you can get past this rift then your relationship can become better and stronger. It’s your first real test; so try to turn it into something positive for your future.

  50. Hannah

    My boyfriend and I were together for 8 months. We were really happy – at least, I thought so – but then I discovered he had been cheating on me with my best friend for more than 3 months. Now he says it didn’t mean anything – she threw herself at him and he was afraid to say no in case she told me he had come on to her – but I can’t bear thinking of them together. He wants me to forgive him and try again, but I can’t control my thoughts, they’re driving me mad. Should I forgive him? Is it the right thing? I can’t seem to think straight anymore.

    1. Sarah

      Do you believe his excuse? And if you do, is it acceptable to you? Can you trust a man who is unfaithful to you with your best friend for such a reason? If you can be brave enough to ask yourself these difficult questions, and answer them honestly; I think you will see that these are two people you don’t need in your life.

      1. Malaika

        Hi Sarah,
        I love my boyfriend more than anyone else in this world i have always been loyal to him and I have a very passionate love towards him and he already knows that. We have been together for 2½ years. But he cheated on me. What I did was I gave him request as a girl in snapchat and started talking to him he became so friendly and planned a date with this acc and on the day he was gonna meet her in the Cafe, I was there sitting as her and he came up. Now that moment was a horrible and worst for me nd then he just saw me and said ah its u and he left from there and so did I. He chatted before twice also with girls and planned date (girls as in me by making an acc and requesting) but never made it this far, but I forgave him before cuz I loved him so much and now also I love him but never trust. Now he lied that I knew it was u and stuff but I don’t believe him so I’m just on a break not talking to him. Should I forgive him(but will not forget of what happened so easily) or just keep my self respect and walk away? I am so confused and stuck with all this..

        1. Sarah

          Why did you feel you had to play this trick on him? There doesn’t seem to have been any trust between you which is not a recipe for a happy relationship.

          1. Omowumi

            Hi sarah
            Good morning
            I and my boyfriend has been in a relationship for 2years and still counting, by this year January, i went to his house and found a girl there, he lied that the girl is nobody to him. As times goes on i read chats on his phone and noticed he has been dating the girl, I confronted him and he told me he doesn’t really love the girl that he loves me. Later when I checked his phone again i noticed the chemistry between them was even more than mine, i confronted him again and he told me he started liking the girl because i don’t really behave like a girlfriend to him anymore, and I promised him to change. Still he didn’t break up with the girl, he claimed the girl has done so much for him, the girl also know he’s dating me. Now our relationship is not like before again, he doesn’t give me the vibe of a boyfriend any longer and i still really love him.Sometimes i will feel like ending things with him, but i know i will break down if i do so
            What can i do

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